Need suggestions to help my DH.

thegirlygirl · Feb 2, 2014

Dear Samal,

My family is actually in the same situation as yours, the only difference is that my brother and I are grown up kids now while your DS is still a child and your DH still a young man.

My family( parents, my brother and I) have settled overseas since the last 20 years, while the rest of the family is in India.

Most people on my fathers side are dead, or too old, but mom has her mother and 2 sisters.

It is us who have to call them everytime, this has been happening from many years, but last year was the limit, I and my mom stayed in India last year for 1 whole year, and sadly we realised, us being there made no difference to anyone. People hardly visited us, some even forgot to invite us for family gatherings.

In 1 year my grandma hardly got time to visit us, she was so busy with my younger cousin who is in school, always cooking for him, teaching him or doing something or the other. He has his own mother to look after him but grandma would still not let go of him.

My mother had to undergo a surgery, just for the sake my grandma came to the hospital, and then left. I took my mom home alone , and took care of the post operative part on my own, nobody came to help.

My mom was very hurt after that, imagine how it feels when your own mother doesn't care for you. Since we have returned, I have not talked to my grandma, I just don't feel like talking to her. On my mom's birthday last month, till evening nobody wished her, she was so sad the whole day. I told her not to care about people who don't care for her, and spoil her day. My dad and I took her to a nice hotel for dinner, and then she was fine.

So you see Samal, physical difference brings distance between people, and they tend to grow apart. 'Out of sight, out of mind.'

My mother is a woman, and that too an old woman, if she was hurt, it is completely acceptable how bad your hubby is feeling, men are more vulnerable, and emotional about such things especially regarding their parents, that too a young man like your husband.

This is where you have to come into the picture, and take charge of the situation. I completely agree with what Guesshoo has said. You need to take care of your hubby like your child right now. Even if he screams at you for nothing, don't say anything just give him a hug, make him feel you are there for him. You be his mom right now.Give him more love and affection, even the part on his parents side, so that it fills the void in his life, and he forgets abou being neglected.

I don't agree witht the fact that he cannot talk to you about his parents, and hence should go to a third person. Your bond should be such that he should be able to talk to you about just anything, and vice versa. That will bring you closer.

I feel a husband and wife's relationship is the most precious in this world, and if the two have a strong bond and are together with each other, then you don't need anyone in this world, not even your parenst or your children.

And now coming to your question, will you still keep relations with them. YES......My mom insists, that however they maybe, they are the only immediate family we have, and no one can take their place. One day they too will realise this.

So, my cousins who are formal with us, and only talk to us when we meet them at social gatherings, we still try our best to maintain some relations through facebook etc.

In your case I suggest you do the same, continue chatting on skype and everything, just make sure now that you don't show your desperation to them, if they don't care, show them too that you all are doing just fine without them.
Your hubby and son seem to be emotional, let them to show your vulnerability to you and not in any care to your BIL or IL over skype.

simpleMom · Feb 4, 2014

Your situation is very understandable. It hurts real bad. It is very hard on your husband.

But during the times of emergency, it is your BIL who might drop everything and attend their needs. It is practical for your in-laws to be "loyal" to the nearest child.

In fact, if they are pampering your DS over BIL's child, it is a matter of serious concern. The other DIL might revolt and tell you guys to "take in-laws to the doctor for the next appointment. Just because we are near does not mean that they are 100% our responsibility. It does not matter where you live. We took them to hospital this week. You guys take them next week. Just like you guys, we also have our lives"

Are you guys financially sound to make weekly visits to India? Most of us are not. So this is a common problem for all those that live abroad. There is a monetary help that we all do but still may not be able to reciprocate same love and affection.

Laks09 · Feb 4, 2014

It is very common for GPs to bond with the child around them. They probably see him go through all his milestones and are reminded of their own kids at that age. That does not mean they can ignore other grand kids. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about their behavior. Brining it up will only give them more power because they now know that you noticed. Just don't bother about their behavior. Let your DH do whatever he does to support them but do t expect them to change by doing so.
If your DH is so troubled by their behavior, as Guesshoo suggested, you need to be his distractions. If he does not want to talk about it, don't force him. There are a lot of other things you can talk about. You have fun together as a family. Go out on dates with DH, take your son to the park together, enjoy a nice candle lit dinner together at home, rent a movie and watch it together, cook his fav meals etc etc. Over time and with your understanding, he will overcome this. If he is in a dark mood, don't even notice his mood. You brighten him with your plans. Since this is all new to him, he is probably really upset. Once the dust settles, this will get you closer to each other. Hopefully, in time, your pils will change but even if they don't, don't let their behavior dictate how happy you are in life. You be happy that you are with each other. You seem to be a loving couple, just focus on your family, help your PILs when needed, visit them when possible and move on with your life.

samal · Feb 4, 2014

Thanks to all ILs for ur replies.
I didn’t know whether this is happening in other families, so I created this thread.
Soon we are returning to India, as our deputation period is going to end. They are also aware of this one. We can foresee ourselves in the situation what thegirlygirl posted. I am trying to convince him saying, how couples raise children when they settle outside India / whose parents are not alive. I said to dh “for our Son, we both are important and should take care of ourselves. If they attend function in our home, viceversa, is more than enough to expect from them. Just Hi – Hi relationship is fine”. He had no choice other than to agree on this one.
Now, I have also clearly told him, he can continue providing living allowance for them and he cannot expect me to cooperate in future for his parents, if anything needed. His parents avoid his son and he don’t react to it / hesitate to ask them. I will react and let him feel for it. When they are selfish, Why should I support them? Anyway, I am not stopping my DH in his efforts. When they are too old to handle, that time they will realize this son’s love and come back. Let my dh alone serve them……