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Need Suggestions. Is This Married Life Normal ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by speedvinzz, Nov 23, 2016.

  1. speedvinzz

    speedvinzz New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    I'am a regular follower of this forum and looking for your suggestions on my married life. Kindly bear with me as this could be a long post.

    I have been married for 5 years(ARRANGED Marriage) and currently living outside of India. Before I tell my story, I would like to give a brief descripion of my husband's upbringing/past so that it would give you an insight on the reason and help me take a due course in my life.

    My husband was brought up in a strict and orthodox family. My inlaws are decent people from middle class background who worked and sacrified a lot for their children. My husband right from childhood was a hardworking student and he is one of those kids who every parent dreams off and one who checks off on all the standards that indian parents look for. Ideal student, no bad friends/ no bad habits, no girl friends, always a topper, top university etc etc. He later moved overseas and started making good money. He too sacrificed a lot & built a big home for his parents & provided all luxuries like car etc for his parents. He lived for many years in US without Car, not spending on travelling, no expensive clothes, no personal comforts as he wanted to give his parents & family what he dreamed of. This I can tell based on what I heard from his relatives & my own interaction with him. He was kind of what his relatives wanted their kids to be like. We both are from same town and everyone said I was lucky to get him.

    Coming to our marriage life, it was a very happy life for me right from engagemnet to marriage and first couple of months into marriage. He was a caring, loving & responsible husband. Everthing was just perfect. In short it was like living in a dream. Then everything came tumbling down and all because of my 'past'.

    I was in a relationship with a guy from my college and it continued for a long time right until the point my marriage was fixed. We tried our best to get married but could not proceed due to parents opposition due to caste differeneces etc. My husband came to know about it and was upset. He questioned me & I accepted. During that conversation, I told him it's past and said that I was virgin and that I never did anything other than holding hands with my ex. But the truth was we did have physical relationship and I was still in touch with my ex(Just emails. No calls or chats. My ex was very depressed and I was just giving a shoulder to him to cry and giving him emotional support) But couple of weeks later, my husband foudn out the truth that we had physical relationship and was still in contact with him over emails. I used to maintain a separate email account to communicate with my ex. My husband was able to find out about it and had proof of everything like our physical relationship etc from that account. He was very depressed. He cried a lot but did not shout or hit me. He also found that I had one more BF in my school days. Eventually he got out of it or that's what I thought but that was not the case. He read all our emails after marriage, intimate chats before marriage, our intimate pics etc and was not able to forget them. He kept to himself. Later I found that he confided this whole thing to his trusted close person(not his parents) but that person just like everyone told him to keep this to himslef, that its's normal now-a-days and how past does not matter & only thing that matters is how I'm behaving with him now. I think this diturbed him more saying that even his side people are taking my side and not sympathetic towards him. We have been leading a normal life where we have happy days and not so happy days. Whenever something triggers him, he turns into this nasty person who talks sarcastically about my past and keeps bringing my past in a indirect way. But below behaviour is what is bothering me:

    1. He has taken to smoking/drinking a lot. When I begged him to stop, he says "Now-a-days, this is normal etc etc"
    2. Goes to late night parties with is guy frends on a regular basis. He replaced his Regular car with a very expensive Car. Spends too much on expensive clothes, $5000 watch, expensive vacations etc. In short he turned from a pauper guy who used to spend more on families comforts/luxuries to a a person who self indulges. Before all this happened, he had $100K in savings and was thinking of buying a house but he now, he has nothing as he spent everything on these unnecessary things. He had a plan for everything but now he does not think about future at all like house, kids etc.
    3. He changed his tone on kids too. Initially we agreed on 2 kids. But now, he says 1 kid but that he has been delaying. We have been married for 5 years. I'm nearing my 30's but he says he is still not ready and wants 3-4 years. If I argue, he says "Now-a-days, this is normal to have 1 kid, have kids late or no kids at all". He sometimes says he does not want kids.
    4. Though I'm a house wife, he used to help me with chores like cooking, cleaning dishes, vacumming, laundary etc. But now, he does not even put his coffee cup in sink. Though I can manage but I'm worried about his behaviour and wonder he will ever forget my past and come out of his bad feelings.

    I even lost my parents trust & their support. I once bursted out to my parents after a fight I had with my husband and told them he came to know about my past and his change in his behaviour. I should not have done that. My father and my close uncle called and apologized to him and tried to reason with him and during their converstaion they sais something like 'This is common now-a-days but I know my daughter. She will never cross limits etc'. My husband then bursted out about my physical relationship and told them about my mis-adventures and how I was in contact even after marriage. My parents were shocked and now blame me for everything and say that they are ashamed of me. They simply say "You have brought upon your own problems. You deal with it".

    Now, with no moral & emotional support, I dnot know what I have to do. Is there any chance of normal life with my husband. I still feel that depe inside of him, there is still that kind person and I just have to wait for him to get out of his depression. I suggested counselling/therapy but he says nothing is wrong with him and does not want to go. It has been more than 4 years that he came to know about my past and he still is stuck in that. May be my intimate pics, chats with my ex has dealt a blow to him. What should I do ?
     
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  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is abusive behavior and is wrong on so many levels. I dont see why a woman must apologise for a life she had before she even met her husband. In the Indian context this kind of expectation is considered acceptable because of how "chastity" is highly valued etc.

    Your husband being upset may be justified if he had made his expectations clearly known before marriage, and if you had chose to lie despite being asked. But if a man does not bother to ask & assumes his expectations are implied - it is utterly unfair to "punish" his wife for her so called "misadventures" prior to their introduction to each other.

    So in short - your husband is being immature in dealing with your past. Agreed that you may have concealed facts when asked to reduce the blow to him. About your secret communication with ex after marriage - It is none of my business to ask you why and if there were any intimate details msgs even after marriage. But let me just say this - you should ask yourself what prompted the contact, the secrecy. If it was lingering feelings for your ex, it is possible your husband is acting out because he feels cheated. Somethings need not be explicitly said but can be easily deduced. So the secrecy, continued communication, the concealing of facts after being asked & possibly the nature of your messages has maybe led your husband to believe that he was cheated on emotionally after marriage.

    If his only problem is your sexual past & both of you are in agreement that there was no emotional cheating going on by you after marriage, then your husband needs to find a way to deal with it.

    I see a lot of Indian women who tend to justify such immature reactions by adult Indian men. Even saying it is the wife's job to fix the marriage & somehow make the husband feel better.

    I dont happen to be one of them because I operate on the fact that every man and woman is responsible for themselves.

    You could have a frank conversation with him expressing how unhappy you are with his passive aggressive attitude to you and your life together. You basically would want to know if he plans to work with you to resolve this or if he intends to stay on this path. If he continues this childish, crappy behavior, an educated adult woman is justified in walking away before any further damage is done to her own psyche & his. Yes you had sex with a man before you met your husband. And you dont owe any pre-marital voluntary disclosures unless you have STD. But you do owe honest answers if asked before marriage. After marriage women are better off using their discetion abt past events as total honesty can kill the marriage.

    I might have advised counselling or family intervention but you tried both - he declined the former & the latter has not helped. Hence my suggestion is you need to decide
    1. what YOU want to do with this marriage.
    2. If you are willing to continue this marriage if he continues like this
    3. What are your bottomlines ? i.e what is the most you are willing to put up with after which you will have lost your interest in this marriage.

    Decide accordingly.
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2016
    guesshoo and blackbeauty84 like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband was a good orthodox man all his life only to be cheated(yes...staying in contact secretly and communicating counts as cheating )by his wife.
    He is probably feeling cheated by life ....not just you.

    I won't judge him.This is not about man or woman,it is about loss of trust .
    As for the question asked....Is this married life normal .
    No, it is not.
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    agree with this...
     
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  5. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @yellowmango do you recall a man posting on IL with a similar issue ? he additionally also complained abt his wife not having a job etc. Wonder if it is the same couple.
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    My first thought too.
    I think in that he mentioned he got the dirt from the ex after he investigated...
     
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  7. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    @madras2018 @yellowmango

    Seriously my thoughts too! The problem looks very similar to what the guy posted! Was checking to post the link but then changed my mind!
     
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  8. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Feeling Depressed With My Life. Need Suggestions Part 1


    I feel this is the same couple....

    I dont know i should ve posted that post link here but my genuine reason is if it is the same couple, i wish op read his post and understand his frustration that he conveyed along with what he hopes from his wife and work upon it.
    Even if that poster is not op's husband, i still request op to read that post to gain an insight of how a man feels from his perspective and try to findout how to manage your husband n save your marriage.
     
  9. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,

    I may sound rude, but it is really not nice of you to keep in touch with your ex bf even after marriage even if you were just lending him a shoulder to cry or whatever.
    If you want to help your husband come out of depression, you need to work hard to rebuild the lost trust.
    Once trust is broken, it is very hard to rebuild it.
    You need to have patience.
    Try to find a job and groom yourself. There is no harm in getting ready for your husband. try to cook his fave dishes or watch his fave movie together.
    Show in actions how much you love him and will never get in touch or think of ur ex.

    Smoking and alcohol habits will not stop overnight. slowly make him reduce no. of cigaretted he smoke and lessen the amount he drinks.

    It may take long tym.... but u need patience. if he doesnt reciprocate ur love, still love him.... show him u care fr him and therr is no other man in ur life than ur husband.

    Good luck.
     
  10. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    1. You should not have stayed in touch with your ex after marriage. Even if you had, you should have atleast let your husband know of your previous relationship and that you still continue to stay in touch with your ex.
    2. Your husband needed a reason to justify his new found bad habits. Do not blame yourself for his wrongdoings. He is being abusive to you.
    3. Your parents, who once , pushed you into this marriage should have been on your side come what may. They should own their mistakes and you as well. They knew everything to begin with (probably not every detail of it) and they seem to be letting you down for the second time (first is pushing you into arranged marriage even after knowing that you like someone else just because he is from a different caste) by not supporting you now.

    It would be better if all of you bury your past behind you and start afresh. Especially, I suggest you to take control of your life. Do not wait for anyone's nod or approval as long as you know you are not doing anything wrong.
     
    Laxmikrsnan and madras2018 like this.

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