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Need Suggestions For My Daughter's Peculiar Problem

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by anees, Mar 9, 2022.

  1. anees

    anees Silver IL'ite

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    Hello all,
    this post is about my daughter. She is 17 and generally a good kid. Very kind and thoughtful ,get a good grades, very goal oriented and self motivated and generally very responsible.
    However she has a problem with taking care of her stuff. So we got her a brand new Iphone 3 years back and within a few months we noticed the screen was broken. She said it fell was while she was jogging, then we replaced the screen and again the screen was broken. After few months phone completely stopped working. Then last year we gave her an old Iphone and within few months it's screen also broke. Also she lost/damaged 3 smart watches. One was very expensive one and she forgot to take it off while swimming and later she thought it's water proofs so will be safe. But when she came she charged it immediately and it completely stopped working. Also she has a problem with eyeglasses. She is careless and they are either broke and another time it fell from her jacket pocket and a car ran over it. Our insurance covers frame every other year only and we have to pay for the glasses from out of pocket. She is always apologetic about these incidents never asks us for a new phone or watches. But she does not how to improve on being careful. She gets absentminded and forget to take care of her stuff. She has some money saved in her account and I said next time you lose something I am going to charge you from your account. She is fine with it.
    Also she recently got her driving license and I am afraid to let her drive alone. What is she become distracted and cause accident. Also I am worried when she goes to college next year how she is going to take care of her belongings.

    Can you give some suggestions how she can become more responsible.

    Thanks in advance
    -Anees
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @anees I think you need to stop buying if she doesn't ask for things
    3 smart watches is too much . I was absent minded kid and still I'm. I make sure I have a routine and keep things in same place every day. I don't wear smart watch or anything expensive since I know I will lose it. I lost 2 air pods in last year and hence now decided to go back to wired headset. Only way for people like me or her to survive is to have bare minimum things and have a routine. One time I even lost a ear ring which was passed down from ancestors . I have lost many jewelry . I don't handle anything expensive. Being mindful of what I own helps me but still I do end up with complete memory loss on where I keep certain things. I always tell my husband or kids where I keep locker key/card/documents. I also have document where I keep recording information so I can go back and check. I stay focused while driving and both my kids know that I don' like talking/arguments in car. I make sure I have zero distraction while driving. I can write a book on things I have lost in my life. For my phone, I have screen protector and hard case cover. I have dropped it and till now my phone has survived. I'm born with it and just learned to live with it. I do know the value of things I own but unfortunately that has nothing to do with my absent mindedness. Teach her skills and buy minimum things.
     
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  3. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    we can become Teen Vent out friends :) . Relax .

    Same thing happening here. My kid is 15 in 10th . After she broke the ipad . DH told no costly gadgets. She got a MOTO phone around $200 something. Actually it is very good phone i am impressed , as the phone and voice quality is nice. photo not good though.

    it will take time. she will learn from her mistakes. One as other IL said, limit her backup . like you providing branded stuff once a product is broken.

    driving is again experience. i fear that too. but that is one grey area where more practise only can hlep.
     
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

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    Hi @anees
    I feel you have incorrectly made this an issue about money. The issue is about her carelessness and need to take care of her things, not how much money is there to replace the broken item. So you may have inadvertently sent her the wrong message. Obviously you have enough money, or will make sure you will have enough, to replace the items! Most parents these days do. You should not have brought up her account and paying from it either. Because now she thinks it's an issue of 'how to pay for it'. She may even insist that you use her account money next time then what will you do?
    One option is create a kind of 'scarcity' mentality without bringing money into it. Say that all electronics will be bought only at school year beginning. If you break midway, you have to somehow make do. Make this a general family rule for all the kids.
    More importantly talk to her and figure out what's going on with her. What's going on in her mind? Your list of breakages is pretty impressive. A person would have to be quite overwhelmed or pretty absorbed in something not to notice what's going around them to this extent. What was she thinking about at that moment? What was she feeling? What was her mindset? After every incident, go over what else happened that day, who said what, what was her mindset. And slowly you will see there's a pattern. I'm not saying something bad was happening. Maybe she's very creative and mentally composing poems or songs? Or tense and freaking out mentally about some assignment? Teenagers mostly don't know how to manage their emotions, or their time and what to do when. They are very impulsive and she herself may not have realized this is what's happening. A frank discussion will be good for both of you. As her mom, you suggest ways for her to do things differently and control her emotions so she's mentally present and not lost in her own world all the time. It will be a process.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2022
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is really valuable information @mangaii . In the heat of the moment, I’ve also tried to reach her the value of the things she has. It’s only later I figured out that her absent mindedness doesn’t mean she doesn’t value the things.

    Most kids at your DD’s age are juggling multiple stressors. Being self motivated, staying on top of grades, being empathetic, etc takes a lot. I feel like children these days don’t have the time to be 17 and enjoy. There is ACT, grades, college apps, stress about getting into the program, stress about maintaining the grades etc.

    Mine was also very absent minded and I’ve also not replaced things and ranted about the lost valuables. It’s when I took a step back and started giving her strategies to help not lose her things that it helped her.
    Have designated places in the backpack for each of the things.
    Have a pouch or box in her backpack to put her watch, keys, id, jewelry etc in it while changing for swimming. Have a spot in the backpack for the pouch.
    Try to write down and to organize her day. Google calendar helps. The more organized she is, the less absent minded.

    Will she wear those chains around her neck? There are some that DD wore with her id/keys etc to keep from losing them at school.

    I think this is sort of a natural consequence. Either don’t have the thing or replace it yourself. It’s a good way to get her to pay some attention to her things.
    The first six months, I didn’t breathe from the time she went out until the time she got home. First of all, teen drivers aren’t allowed to use their phones in the car even for music. I made mine put her’s in the trunk, inside her backpack. I would also have her avoid turning on the radio. Let her know that it’s not ok to give rides to anyone. It’s a liability to have another person in the car and she doesn’t want that.

    Regarding college, in the next year, she will grow and mature. She’s responsible and self motivated. If you give her a budget, get her own credit card, make her responsible for paying it, don’t give her any other funds other than her allowance - do the basics so to speak, she will figure it out. Don’t worry too much about it.
     
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  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    @Laks09 madam, you are right. My daughter in 10. She has course in AP biology and Pyschology. those are like 1year bsc college. my dh and i are normally strict in academics but this time we took step back. first time we are not pushing her for any college . just a decent score is good.

    even we both are casually mentioning to her, that we used to look forward to watch the ramayana serial at night 9 pm with parents at night. and school was not so hard.
     
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