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Need suggestions for dealing the situation in PIL's house.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Vanilasky, Feb 14, 2015.

  1. Vanilasky

    Vanilasky Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    i am living in Middle East for the past 6 years. Back in my PIL's house there is my MIL & FIL aged 62 & 65 years . Both of them are diabetic and FIL is having other minor health issues also. My only BIL is living with his wife and kid in tamilnadu for the past 3 years. Now the problem is my MIL being a highly diabetic patient gets admitted in hospital atleast once in a year. My FIL who manages his small newspaper agency very well is not at all interested in taking care of MIL. MIL also never wants him to take her to doc or stand with her in the hospital atleast in day time. She doesn't want FIL schedule ( timely sleep, food, watching serials etc) to get disturbed.

    Whenever she needs medical help she will call BIL who is in chennai rather than informing FIL. Now she needs hernia operation and she is asking me to come and attend her in hospital. She needs my co sis to take care of FIL and home and myself to take care of her in the hospital. She had asked my husband to send me alone back to home to take care of her. She knews that our child is having annual exams in the next month. She asked DH to attend the child alone or hire a maid to take care of him and child. DH told her that he can't send me now.

    In the past when she was admitted in the hospital BIL had hired a good maid to take care of her and home but due to her nature the maid left the job within few months. She won't adjust with any of the maids . She needs her 2 DIL's to do her seva all the time. She doesn't have any problem if we leave our DH alone and come and leave with her 365 days. According to her theory only sons and their wives has the responsibility to take care of her not her husband (FIL). FIL also has the same theory.

    My co sister is a very good person but the in laws doesn't give any respect to their DIL's which we are supposed to get. They want to treat us as their doormats which we are not ready. My BIL is a little cunning person in some aspects but in this matter I want to help him and co sister but don't know how. Please help me with some suggestions coz I have to face this problem atleast 1-2 times times in a year.

    remya
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Looks like your inlaws dont care about anyone other than themselves.Dils are on call and they just have to order them to drop everything and come running at their beck and call. Every one has to change for them but they won't make any changes in their lives. Won't help the wife.Wife won't get along with maid. But the world has to change for them.



    Tell her just like she wants her husband to be looked after....you too want the same for your husband.
    If she wants to be taken care of...she better suck up and learn to get along with the maid or get that man she married to help out.
    Is there any nursing home you could contact who will take care of the hospitalization needs when required.Also a maid service who can send maids once she done with the last one.
    She spoilt her husband ...let her deal with it.
     
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  3. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    This is the solution for your problem. Stick on to this decision and never ever feel guilty of not going to take care of her. Your In laws are down right selfish and doesn't even care for their Son or grand children, they think it is the duty of the DIL to take care of them at any cost. Probably she is thinking spending on maids is waste while she can get the same service freely from her DIL's.

    Tell her politely yet sternly that you are much needed in your home now for your hubby and daughter, let your BIL hire a maid for which you can equally contribute, and let your FIL learn to take care of his wife at least when she is sick.
    If these peoples mentality won;'t change then we cannot help it but to change ourselves.
     
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  4. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    Entitled people can not appreciate any one's needs, except their own. Let them be. Refuse to go, without offering any reasons or rationalizations. It will only cause arguments.

    Instead, tell her what DH and you can do from afar - like medical bills payments, if they need help. Get your DH's support on not going to attend her unreasonable demands. Tell DH you want to be with him and your child too. It is only fair.

    Repeat all this every time she asks you to go alone.
     
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  5. Vanilasky

    Vanilasky Silver IL'ite

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    Thku yellow mango, blessed & nb25 for ur valuable suggestions. We all knew they are selfish people. MIL cares only for FIL. At any cost she won't allow anyone to disturb his schedule. Koi bhi baad me jaaye she doesn't care at all. The situation has gone out of control from the hands of BIL. FIL is not ready to help in hospital matters. A maid has been hired and she will come from tomorrow but still a person has to be there with the maid. As MIL is a very well built lady no one can handle her body weight alone. FIL not even washes his own plate and spits in the plate itself after eating and makes others to wash it.

    MIL had clearly told that she loves her husband only and no one else. She won't allow his routine to get disturbed. My DH is going for 3-4 days as nothing is happening by talks. BIL needs some help to deal with father. If FIL had agreed to stay in hospital means there had been no problem at all. In the past BIL had hired many maids to stay with them but by making them do 2-3 persons duty like a slave no maid has survived more than a month. Once again when she is admitted in the hospital the Damascus sword will be on our heads again. DH being the elder son MIL & FIL used to hear his words once in a while. Let's see what happens when DH go and visits them.
     
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Even if your mil is an unreasonable person, this is the time she needs your support. She is having a major surgery.
    If it were me, I would see if the surgery can be postponed until after exam. If not, either you or your husband needs to visit them and be there for her. Argument that bcos fil won't care we also don't is not good when it comes to this case.

    Be present during surgery. Arrange 2 care takers, one to care for her exclusively, if you can't be present during her recovery time.

    I am not suggesting that you be her doormat and do seva. Just do what needs to be done with no expectation of thanks whatsoever. Whatever that helps you sleep at night.....
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    It is sick to see the lack of care and concern by the fil for the woman who has been a dutiful wife for probably close to 4 decades. Even more sickening is the lack of expectations of this wife from her husband ...though she seems pretty aware of expectations and responsibility of sons and dils.
     
  8. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Dh going is better than you going there, OP. Let him take care of things.
     
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