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Need some support from you wonderful ladies :-)

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by harinisripada, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Harini,

    Hats off to you dear.. you have handled everything so well till now. I would have blown my fuse probably at the 2nd or 3rd such incidents :bonk

    You have done a good job till now. So dont lose all the effort by shouting back at her. If possible, walk out of the room and let her rant to her heart's content.

    Go for the festival and if she is talking any nonsense, keep your cool in front of her. Come to IL and vent it out. We will bash her up for you, virtually of course :wink:
     
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  2. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Thanx Vishwa for your kind words...

    Yes, BIL handles her "problem" in his own way, thats why I ignore what he says in front of her, because, he'll later make up for it with good words/icecream/outings for me!!

    Orion80, from the way my heart leapt happily at the thought of you all ILites bashing her up virtually, I realised that I am not such a good person, but I'll definitely come back to IL and tell all the stories and please please bash her up virtually properly...:rant Whenever she makes comments I'll think about what to write on IL and keep my cool there
    :hide:


    Harini
     
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  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Also keep ur earphones and Ipod handy. Plug them in whenever she is around you and tap ur feet and hum to the song..thats sure to keep you cheerful AND annoy her :)
     
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  4. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Life would be monochromatic if you were just good. Anger (red), jealousy (green) are part of the spectrum of life too. So dont worry about other colors in your life. As long as one shade doesnt dominate your life, experience all the colors :)

    I would like to repeat again how commendable your patience is, to keep it going like this till now. Your folks would be real proud of you. Keep it up.
     
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  5. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    It is so obvious that your SIL is so unhappy with her life and is constantly comparing your life with hers. This is the best recipe for unhappiness. The next time she says something like that ask her why she thinks so? If she compares your husband with BIL then tell her that "I dont know about your husband but I am happy that my husband does all this". There is no harm in saying that if you feel there is truth in it. My co-sis always keeps complaining about my BIL but I know she is not lying. So I just listen whereas my husband is more involved and hands-on. But things like black magic and all is sick and just understand its coming out of her frustration. She may not even like the gifts you bring because she feels she is not so well-off.
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Harini,

    After reading your subsequent posts and additional information, here is what I feel.
    Now don't get offended or angry, pls read what I have to say and reflect on it before reacting.
    After reading carefully I feel your fil and bil words and behaviour are the root cause of your troubles, not as you think your co-sis. Those 2 are aiding and enabling her behaviour instead of telling her what is what. They are placing all the burden on you making you the scapegoat. Your bil completely takes you for granted. Very bad. You shd correct his behaviour.
    When the ICU incident occurred why your fil only said those words to you? He could have called both his sons and said same thing right? But he knew your nature and after giving full emotional drama he said this to you. And I think you got caught up in the 'saviour mode' and nodded your head meekly and got sold on this idea. Your fil is a v. smart man. he may be old and sick but he knows what he is doing. Why he is not talking to her? Why he is not telling his son to keep his wife under control? Why it is your problem? Becos son has given up. The co-sis is not reformable. So this fil has found you to work on. You may not agree with me that I am saying all this about your beloved fil but pls, bear with me and read on.

    Anyway, that time your fil brought you under his control and made sure family situation is saved. The others I think don't know about this incident between you and fil. For all these years, you have used a mountain of patience, stepped on your desires and done all this heavy lifting because you are under the spell of this 'so-called' promise. it seems like this situation stabilised after that and has been like that for some time. But see his smartness. He is still keeping you under control by praising 'both' dils whenever he gets a chance and making sure you dont get any grandiose visions about yourself in the meantime either. I bet if you confront him he will pretend he knows nothing about any promise, and again sweet-talk and co-opt you into more heavy lifting. Now I strongly feel everyone else (except maybe your hubby becos you are keeping him informed) is under impression you are doing whatever you are doing because you want to, not because you feel you have to and feel almost like your being forced into this. No one knows or consciously appreciates your contribution. Co-sis actively hates it. Because this state of affairs has persisted for so long, this state of affairs has become 'the new normal'. The co-sis has been true to her nature all along, you have to grant her that. The co-sis, the bil, and the fil have all got used to the present state of affairs. Nobody is aware of all the tremendous sacrifices, patience and endurance with which you are putting into this situation. They feel all is normal.

    Now what has changed? The co-sis struck at your marriage. So now suddenly she has crossed a line for you and you reacted. You have had enough. Your inexhaustible store of patience is empty. Now I think your real dilemma is you dont want this state of affairs to continue. You never expected that co-sis will create these issues, you never credited her with that much evilness and now you just dont want to deal with her crap like you have been doing all along. but you feel you have to -- becos of that promise.
    Let me ask you one thing -- after all that you have done if co-sis changes her ways you think anyone will remember you or give you credit for that? No. I guarantee you even if you announce that this family is together because of me, my work, my sacrifices, fil and bil will not agree. They will look like you have grown 2 horns. Pls try to understand what I am saying. (Dont get distracted and shoot a reply saying I never did it for any such recognition etc. I know you didnt. But my point is they dont recognize or appreciate your work. ok?) You are pouring all your energies into a futile, energy-sucking situation. Better you save that energy for other more productive purposes.

    I strongly suggest you start drawing boundaries and setting limits to what you will and will not accept from your fil and bil anymore. If fil gives senti dialogue about dils etc. again remind him calmly that he has 2 dils, you are only one of them, that you can vouch for yourself and your hubby max, rest he has to talk to other persons in the family. Refuse to take this kind of insane responsibility. When your bil takes you for outing/icecreams etc., tell him nicely that you love the outings but request him politely that you are also human being with feelings and request him not to put you down before his wife. Request him to find other ways to pump up and praise his wife that does not involve a reference to you or to putting you down. Look him in the eye and make sure he understands that you are serious. You have created a link in your mind that he puts down you first and takes you for icecream later to make up for it but I bet you if you come outright and ask why he took you out he will give some other reason, if you confront that this is why he will totally deny it. All this unspoken, understood things are creating a big problem in your life harini. Everytime you are thinking 'aiyo paapam' and getting trapped further. most of all the fil and bil have taken their biggest problem the co-sis and made it your headache. you have to slowly return the headache to the rightful owner and make them take responsibility for it. Be v. clear next time about what and who you are taking responsibility for. Dont get into some 'I will swoop in and save everyone like a superwoman' fantasy, or saviour mode. Be clear that you too are human, you too are fallible that they shd not expect more from you than what they expect from her. My advice is to not wait till some big tipping point to inform them about this when it will become a big issue but as the situations arise, lightly casually mention to each person the new criteria. Tell them you have been thinking about it and this is what you feel now. Set your limits clearly and dont change them around. Slowly get them used to what they can and cannot expect from the new you.

    Good Luck!
     
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  7. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sandhya I wish i could write a longer reply but am at airport boarding the flight. You are right about bil and fil. I know i wont get any recognition and don't know how to suddenly set boundaries. Let me see what happens there this time :)
     
  8. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Well... I'm back from my little vacation hale and hearty and in one piece!!! The most incredible thing happened!!! After all the worrying I did, it turned out that BIL had some conference and was out on all days and nights and would only step in for 5-10 mins everyday to check whats happening (not even time to remove his shoes !!!)

    Therefore, no comparisons, no sarcasms, she was in her negative comments mode - http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/73592-nice-co-sis-but-negative.html - but there were no hateful statements, only thoughtless ones :-(

    Of course I followed all the advices, ensured that I never directly ask any questions/make any statements!!!
    I mostly entertained the kids, took them out at any and every opportunity (3 kids and I spent hours browsing book store, games at mall, shopping for clothes, museum, quiz games, card games :)), I sang loudly whenever I got trapped in the same room as hers, laughed and commented at all silly jokes on the TV so that there was no time for conversation and generally had a whale of a time !!!

    In fact, Sandhya, I wanted to mention this incident to you, my FIL took me out shopping and bought me some baubles and said lets buy for co-sis also, then he selected some nice stuff and then he said - "lets put it back, she's sometimes too rude when I buy gifts for her" - I was quite surprised at his admitting to it!!! And thought, great, I'm not the only one who buys gifts and gets rudeness from her :)

    Thanx everyone :)

    Harini
     
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  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    now that's the spirit harini.

    you get trapped only if you allow the other..it is all in your hands to move away with a smile and sliminess from tricky situation unless it is addressed to you specifically and you need to answer that..give yourself a few more such visits, and you will start wondering,why did i think so much or worry so much and have laugh reading those last few threads..

    it is not just that we accept those situations, but we also grow up. the more our exposure, the more we learn to ignore the not so necessary things.

    infact these last 5+ years in IL has taught me that there are more pressing problems out there..and making a mole or a mountain reflects directly on my emotional peace as a person and family..
     
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  10. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Thanx Shanvy,

    My DH admitted to me that co-sis was probably not hurtful this time because BIL was not there, so no frustrations for her !!!

    Anyway, hopefully I'll continue to keep my peace in the family :)

    Harini
     

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