Need some perspective. after 5 years of marriage..

Well, my take on marriage is different. in my opinion marriage is an institution and a social/societal necessity. It has 2 CEO's - a husband and a wife. The decision to start this institution is never wrong or right. Whether it is successful one or not is decided only if one lives through it for a lifetime nearing death. On the deathbed, if one dies with a smiling satisfaction or grumbles, it doesnot matter. The most important thing is in the journey, one keeps learning new things every day.

Marriage is a learning experience and not an experiment like an institution. One keeps learning the art of communication( with each other and with children, relatives, inlaws, friends and society members), relationship( with all involved parties), establishment(home), HR - employees( cook, housemaid, childminder, nannies, driver etc ), financial management( house, bills, income, expenditure, pension, retirement, future projects etc), Individual and shared responsibilities, and bonding with each other(partnership) and other parties involved and above all medical and health issues. There is bound to be ups and downs in any one of the areas at some point of time or the other. There or no systems or standards. Times change, societal norms change, perspectives change. It is a dynamic process. One can learn the qualities of leadership, adjustment, compromise, love, management through the lifetime.

It is neither easy to quit this institution nor easy to form a new institution based on only one or two departments - like love, same caste, same office collleague, friends, or being rich.
Yes like any institution, even if it is infosys, microsoft or google, this marriage institution also has attrition. people leave due to differences and expectations etc involving one of its departments like, finances, PR, HR, Relationships, burden of responsibilities, emotions, health - infertility, cancer etc. And most of these people( as according to Attrition analysis of big companies) have some psychological problems like depression or personality problem and noone can do anything about them except if they seek psychiatrist or therapist or marital counsellor.

Gradually with time as in western countries, each department of marriage institution will get outsourced and the need for marriage will become less, and then people will go for cohabitation, lesbianism, gayism( depending on their preferences), single parenting, IVF, surrogate parenting, kick children out after age 18, retirement homes, home nursing and health care, care taker facilities, outsource cooking( takeaways, self cooking, eating out, or home deliveries), cleaning services once or twice a week, laundry, taxi service instead of drivers or self driving.

 

I may sound too objective about marriage. I presume there is always a difference between standing on the bank and watching people swim in a fast flowing river and swimming in that same river like everyone else.

 

You should accept your DH for what he is...and not think you can change his personality...u two have totally differrent personalities...

He is already trying his best and you should give in to him....he is an introvert and you are an extrovert...why force him to change...

 

I too am sailing on the same boat as the OP and Gauri's reply has given a lot of perspective.

As far as the In laws are concerned, mine too are control freak. They give a lot of advise about financials but dont involve directly like investing on our behalf and things like that.

Still I feel the lag many a times. just to give an example, I wanted to invest in real estate and that is supposed to be a major investment to be completed by a woman all by herself. things like visiting the site, meeting the agents, concluding the deal and the financials. I really need my man to be a front runner and "Get things moving and done" which does not happen.

Natually my In laws will get involved and they will have their own choices and preferences like the location , the builder which I may not be able to afford. I find it very difficult sort out things internally and externally and get things moving. As a result I have backed off a bit on this ground.

My siblings are really supportive and can do a lot of things for me. But if I involve them, my in laws and husband will take offense which is understandable to me.

But the end result is I neither get their positive help nor can I get help from someone who really means to do good to me.

Its like a catch 22 for me..

In such instances I really feel I should have been born a man and my hubby a woman. I really feel if the genders were reversed we would have had a wonderful marriage :bonk

 

I'm not sure that I have much new to add to the discussion, but my story could be an exact duplicate of yours! Except 16 years down the road, we have both moved toward the others position to an extent. He is much more communicative and I am much more accepting and forgiving of his needs.
I am still the more lively and outgoing of the two.
He is still the homebody.
He has become very competent in his work, which has given him much more ambition.
I've had to learn that I can't get everything my own way. >:{

Thats what a marrage is.
Good luck!
Ami