Need some perspective. after 5 years of marriage..

Yes you are right! At the first go even if we have clarity we need adequate family support to implement them.

 

Unfortunately, spouses are not custom-made.. The person comes as a package.. So one does not get to add or subtract their qualities..

Exactly!

 

MadeInIndia,
You have got some very good insights into your issue.I'd like to add mine here. My case is similar to you too. MY DH is laid back and not social and does not even go ahead if people offer friendships.I used to be so hurt earlier when this used to happen. Now, I am used to it. It is just a personality difference,isn't it? We need to accept different personalities.

In my opinion, you are just stressed out with 'responsibilities'. This is because it is always in your hands to plan outings,do the necessary home chores,arrange home etc. But, I would say see the positive in this!!! Your DH trusts you so much that he allows you to take up all the resposnsibilities. Some men do not allow their wives to even decide a simple thing like the next vacation trip. If you are feeling that you have too much in your hands and no time then delegate tasks to your DH. Gauri has given some excellent tips on how to get your DH to help you in everything.

You mention that you are more intelligent/educated/smart than him.May be your Dh has realized this and that's why he is so laid back. I know its a funny reason but it does happen. Happened with me too. In our life,I am even doing job hunting for my DH,Can you believe it:crazy ? He is so much laid back. Does that mean he cannot do it on his own? NO. He is just happy and content to have me make his decisions for him. He trusts me too. I take care of everything in our lives. I do feel worked up at times and those days, I tell DH to handle if there is anything to be done.

Your issue(is it even one???) is actually a positive in your marriage. It shows that DH has confided in you a lot. Just relax and enjoy the journey. Nothing to worry about.

Do come back and let us know how you are feeling

All The best

 

Your problem is the ILs - deal with that directly if needed. If your SIL and DH stopped the IL problem, you need to be thankful to them. So thats what you need to be feeling and not trying to change him now.

 

Let me start by saying that I am sailing in the same boat as u in terms of DH being laid back. But for me its a good thing, since I make all the plans and drive him. He just follows suit, I would not like the other way round.

Coming to making your DH bold and confident, I dont think thats easy. If you had said, " I am going to stand up to my FIL" thats doable but your DH has been submissive for 30 + years and suddenly opposing his dad is not every easy. You be the king player and talk to your FIL and put a stop to his overbearing ways and as usual your DH will follow suit.

goodluck.

 

I would HATE that and will run away, LOL!

Gosh, did you get used to it? or do you actually wanted it that way? Lucky it worked out for both of you. Thats great, thats why there are different personalities, if it matches and works out, thats fantastic.

 

OP,

Though you may not realize it, IMO, you have a 'driver' personality. I'd suspect that you'd be miserable with a 'wife driver' hubby though you feel you will learn to respect such a hubby (only if the alpha male tendencies are in moderate state).

Because of your 'in control' attitude you seem to think that a more aggressive hubby could be managed/moulded in a way you will be comfortable but that's not always possible. Once the genie (an alpha male personality) is out of the bag, (not that it's possible in the same person, say you replaced one hypothetically), it's possible that you will be suffocated not knowing why it's not in a tolerable range for you.

So be glad that you are dealt the hand that you are dealt. I think God has been extremely kind to you. If you are thankful you will make the best of it. But if you always fancy what's on the other side of the fence, you will always look over the fence and miss your own beautiful garden.

 

I waiting and waiting for DH to plan and take initiative on all things but nothing happened and our life was stagnating, then I took the reins and he just followed. First was grumbling and later just left things to me.

Now I actually enjoy it and wouldnt want him to buck up and take charge... LOL

 

Interesting - I recollect earlier you used to post your DH was very controlling and trying to dominate in finances etc. He hardly sounded 'laid back' like you now mentioned he is.