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Need some help...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by starfeign, Apr 14, 2010.

  1. starfeign

    starfeign New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    I have been a regular reader on IL for a while now, but today I saw a thread on whether it is necessary for the wife to discuss details of previous relationships to husband. That prompted me to write my first post here.

    I have been married for 2.5 years. Ours was a love marriage. DH had 3 previous girlriends before we met. Now he and I have always been honest with each other about our previous relationships. But my problem is that I feel that DH is being a bit TOO honest. He has told me all the details about each of his previous girlfriends, including how they met, what was good, what was bad, what went wrong, etc. Including the physical aspects of their relationships.

    Initially, I thought that it is very good that he feels comfortable sharing these things with me. However, in recent times, I am starting to get bothered by some things. His first girlfriend died due to some medical problem when they were both 18. Their's was a "bachpan ka pyar" type, they grew up together. And when she died, he broke off contact with their common friends because according to him, they reminded him of her. Now in the last few months, he has re-established contact with those common friends. Which is completely fine. Except, for some reason, he doesnt want me to know he has been talking to those friends. I cant understand why he would do that.

    The other day, he had left his email account logged on on the home computer. When I went to use it, I saw there was a conversation between him and one of those friends. Curiosity got the better of me and I read the damn thing. Oh how I wish I hadnt! It seems his friends know more about what he thinks and how he thinks than I do. And these are friends he hasnt seen in 10 years! His friend even knew my work roster off the top of his head!

    I guess there are lots of things bothering me. For all these years, DH and I used to be each other's confidantes, and now all of a sudden, there is this other person. Maybe he feels like he cannot confide in me anymore like he used to. Plus we have been having a few minor issues in our marriage recently, and I just feel very insecure all of a sudden. My mind is too confused at the moment, and I cannot think straight. I need you guys to help me out. Am I over-reacting here, or do you guys think my concern is justified?
     
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  2. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi there,

    If you have an issue with him randomly confiding in his childhood buddies, can you confront him in a civil manner and hash it out? Would be better if calm down before having the conversation.

    -BA
     
  3. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    I think, you are over reacting....calm down...if he confides in his old friend that doesnt mean he feels that he can not confide in you...Please do not make assumptions in what he feels, guess work may complicate the matter...If in doubt, you may ask him straight...however, in that case, be ready to justify that you got into his private e-mail messages :)

    anyways, I would suggest, take it lightly...we all have some special friends (apart from spouse) in our lives and we occassionally share some things with them than with our spouse...My spouse is my best friend and still sometimes I prefer discussing some matter with my other friends than with him...not because I want to hide it from him or think that I can not confide in him, but just becasue I feel that those matter may be irrelevant to him or dont want to bother him with those matters....your DH may also have similar explaination...so, just chill...:)
     
  4. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Generally , during the initial days of marriage we tend to get emotional and tell about our past and blabber about our relatives mistake etc..etc..Our hubby's will also take it with a smile(not everybody) during initial stages of married life and he might also admit his past affairs.But this might turn out to be his weapon when he has lost all that moham(interest).

    This is definitely a warning signal but it is not alarming.I would say bring back your "friendship" between you and your hubby.Work on your relationship instead of thinking about "this" friend.

    Like someone said in another thread , face him with a smile even if he humiliates.Be patient and make him realise how lucky he is.


    Confronting him will only aggravate the situation.Work on your relation.Do not get disheartened by these small things.All the best!
     

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