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Need Some Clarity From Sane Women

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by happygolucky22, May 3, 2022.

  1. happygolucky22

    happygolucky22 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I was a SAHM for 4.5 years and my husband behavior turned abusive in this period. I made a plan to leave him and resumed work, sorted my personal issues of loosing my parent from COVID. Now 10 months into the job I am confident strong and ready for separation, but my husband has made a U turn and wants to please and love me, agrees on all my conditions I put forth to check his seriousness. Also returned ~37% of my salary from The past jobs. He had 100% of my salary for Years of past work just an example of financial abuse.

    from last 3 days I’ve been love bombed and cared for , my mental state is going down cause deep within I feel this guy will not change and make me a weak crying girl like in the past. What should I do? I have two little kids 7 & 4. My family suggests living independently under the same roof and work on my carrier n health and enjoy the life but they’re fine in separation because they want me to to be happy.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Not so sure of my sanity any more.. really ... this WFH of 2 years and that it might continue for ever has altered my idea and definition of sanity.

    For clarity, you can to look deeper into many things that you have summarized quite briefly in the first paragraph. Here's a suggested list of questions to ask yourself:
    - The SAHM decision was joint, mostly yours, only yours...?
    - Before the birth of the second kid and the SAHM phase, all was hunky-dory?
    - Husband turned abusive during SAHM period. Define abusive and recall specific instances and examine those a bit detachedly.
    - "He had 100% of my salary for years of past work"
    Elaborate on this to yourself. Did he willfully deny you access to your salary? You were unable to spend on things for yourself or to send money to your family if you wanted? Was it more a case of he handled the finances and you were in the dark about them?
    - "Also returned ~37% of my salary from The past jobs."
    The money was just lying around uninvested and he returned it to you? And what are you doing with it? Do you believe that he should take care of the family expenses and your salary is yours? (Nothing wrong with such belief.)

    Similarly break down your second paragraph into questions to ask yourself.

    It is fine to rely on family for support in really bad times. But right now they are dealing with the loss of your parent and the whole pandemic thing. They have your best interests at heart but only your version of things to rely on. Consider talking to a neutral professional to sort out your thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears and angst.

    To get back to work during the pandemic after a 4+ year gap and with two young kids and not an exactly supportive husband is a major accomplishment. Build on this new stronger version of you. Talk to a professional or look at tele-therapist who specialize in marriage and family. Give it time. See whether his behavior changes as more time lapses since you laid down conditions for him.

    I may be wrong but it looks to me like if you guys can sort out the "his money/ her money/ our money" and come to some clearer ways of managing money, other things will fall into place or become more bearable.
     
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  3. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Only you know the extent of 'abuse' and his behaviour in the past. Yet, i admit I belong to the old school of thought and would still recommend you adopt the following:
    From the positive angle, he may have actually realised you have a job and hence could easily go your way, and he will be the loser in the long run, and changed his behaviour. Like it is always said, with 2 little kids who deserve both parents together , you can continue like this after making it very clear to your hubby that you will not hesitate to move out if you feel you or your kids are not getting due respect and care in the household! Hope this works for the better for you.
     
  4. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    Would suggest living separately for a few months to avoid conflict. You can assess if things have really changed
     
  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    what do you mean by abusive. what changed from start of covid. minor irritations did increase in my house since people always next to each other all the time is also not healthy.

    just the word abusive can be interpreted anyway.
     
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  6. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Bronze IL'ite

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    Take time to go though reconciliation process for u to decide … go through marital counselling while living separate … look up Google on issues to be discussed by couples before getting
    Married - and talk about all of those that u need to… also talk about past, what made the ex to behave a certain way .. what’s the guarantee it won’t happen again ..

    Incase IF at all u decide to get back, keep finances separate. Always!! Just to be on the safer side.
     
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @happygolucky22,

    Are you sure you will be happy only if you separate from him? Did your husband handle all finances with your consent earlier or he gave no choices but to give all of your earnings to him as a principle? Did your husband turn abusive only after you became SAHM or even before that? What happened to your finances in the last 10 months you started earning again? Did you ask him what did he do with the balance of 63% of your earnings in your earlier period? Did he use it for your family or for some other purpose?

    Frankly, whether to trust him or not should be your decision and not even your family's decision. How is he with the children and how much the children are bonded with him? If it is strong, if he regrets his abuses, and if he is genuinely seeking a fresh start to your relationship, you can give him another chance. However, you should have the following arrangements:

    1) If there is any further abuse, you should tell him that you won't give another chance.
    2) Your earnings will remain independent in your name until you gain confidence in his new awakening mainly because the abuse started after you became SAHM.
    3) Tell him that he should provide for the family expenses for yourself and the children until such time you are confident of his change.
    4) He should agree to go for marriage counseling and frankly you should also seek counseling as his behavior is going to have profound impact in your mind in futurre.

    Good luck.
     
  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

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    What were the conditions? Think through and make them specific, actionable items where he has to actually do some work to prove he's serious instead of just empty words and vague promises. For example - you didn't detail what kind of abuse but suppose he was getting angry at the drop of a hat. Insist he join an anger management class and show he has attended all the classes and done work versus just an empty promise -I won't get angry anymore. and in the interim period, while he's doing the class or fulfilling the conditions, you live separately and maintain no contact so both of you get a chance to experience what life on your own will be like.
     

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