Need solution or suggestions

geethavinod · Jun 18, 2010

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 626pt; BORDER-COLLAPSE: collapse" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=835 border=0><COLGROUP><COL style="WIDTH: 626pt; mso-width-source: userset; mso-width-alt: 30537" width=835><TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; WIDTH: 626pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" width=835 height=20>Hi Ilites,<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20><TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>This is my friend's problem, need solution or suggestions.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20><TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>My friend is married and having 2 kids, day before y'day night, for some silly reason,<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>they had some arguments and the husband said her to get out of the house and pushed her outside, <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>luckily she is staying next to her mothers house itself, husband only called her mother, brother and <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>said that he doesn't want her and he's not making her to enter the house. My friend doesn't have father, her mother <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>advised her husband that u should not tell like that, she's ur wife, and u've two kids, think about the kids.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>But, he was not at all ready to listen to anybody . So, my friend came to her mothers house and stayed there that night and <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>in the morning also she didn't go to her house.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20><TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>Y'day, the husband called her and asked where ar u? she said wherever I am, you don't bother as you have thrown me out of the house . Again the husband asked are u not coming home? As her husband's relatives are in the native, <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20> <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>she said she'll come after discussing with his relatives.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>b'cos often they quarrel bet'n each other and after a day they become friendly, but they love each other a lot, even their kids.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>Always while quarelling he'll say that he'll leave her and go.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>so she wanted to stop that type of quarrel. When she said she'll come after discussing with his relatives, it must have hurt him, so he came drunken to his home y;day.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20><TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20><TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>Now my friend is worried about her husband whether he may spoil his health and also worried about the future of the kids, <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>So I request all the Ilites to suggest or give a solution to <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>her as what step she has to take further.

Geetha

Visu2k · Jun 18, 2010

Looks like they are running a drama company and not a house. I don't understand fickle minded and hot tempered people like the husband here. In the end, they get back to their knees and show what sort of losers they are. Although I don't endorse relatives or in-laws getting involved in domestic issues, but looks like the guy here only listens to them (or at least pretends to do so every time)

What is with this empathizing, oh they love each other a lot but they can't keep fighting each other and can't keep that between themselves and can't but make it a tamasha before everyone.

As for the step that she needs to take forward - she should stay at her mothers house unless the husband assures her that this will not take place , even if it is several days, weeks or months. Since they are married for long time and having kids too, I am sure he will be back on his knees (which he already did). She should not involve any relatives in this matter, as they may complicate matter. May be she can involve one level headed person who can warn the husband well, but she should not involve multiple people into this already messed up issue. I know this from personal experience, that is how you let him know that when next time even if he dreams of doing such a thing, he should be remembering the long separation that last time that such an action from him entailed.

geethavinod · Jun 18, 2010

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 429pt; BORDER-COLLAPSE: collapse" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=572 border=0><COLGROUP><COL style="WIDTH: 429pt; mso-width-source: userset; mso-width-alt: 20918" width=572><TR style="HEIGHT: 30pt" height=40><TD class=xl65 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; WIDTH: 429pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 30pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" width=572 height=40>Thanks Visu2k for ur reply, my friend is a working lady and she does not want to trouble <TR style="HEIGHT: 30pt" height=40><TD class=xl65 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 30pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=40>her mother also, she's telling that for few days she'll stay at mothers place, even then <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD class=xl65 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>if the husband is not calling her, she'll go for any hostel.

Visu2k · Jun 18, 2010

Where are the kids? Who is taking care of them?

One thing is for sure, this thing can't go on forever. He can't have it both ways, discard her and take her in whenever he wants.

Ok this is how she should deal with him (which is what my wife used to do after I throw a temper tantrum, so I know it works) - whenever he approaches her and tells her to forget and forgive, she should always remind that she is just following his order to be out of house. Tell him she is only doing what he wished and don't want to be a burden on him. She will be doing this not out of anger or frustration but just because he wished so and because she exhausted all other options and not sure how he would behave. She should clearly tell him that she can't believe his words and she is hurt deeply. Let her be away from him for some length (don't know their situation, so can't suggest how long, she should decide what would be best), make him feel the pain for a while.

geethavinod · Jun 18, 2010

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 429pt; BORDER-COLLAPSE: collapse" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=572 border=0><COLGROUP><COL style="WIDTH: 429pt; mso-width-source: userset; mso-width-alt: 20918" width=572><TR style="HEIGHT: 30pt" height=40><TD class=xl65 id=td_post_1271118 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; WIDTH: 429pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 30pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" width=572 height=40>Now she and the kids are in her mother's house, if at all she's going to hostel, she has to leave the children with her mother and visit them once in a week.

sarajara · Jun 18, 2010

Geetha,

I felt like reading my own story!

We used to have fights on and off for good for nothing reasons.Once my DH did the same thing - called up my parents asking me to come and take away me.

I go with Visu,s suggestion. It really worked for me. I had left the home but to have a break only for 2 days. I assured my DH that i woud be back (we had patched up before i left only! But those 2 days were like on fire for both of us and it was a good time to learn our mistakes.

Problems like this arise because most of the times there is no understanding or feelings not expressed properly fromboth the sides that portray a wrong picture ( DH would have got affected for certainn thgins but would not have told me intending not to create issues that would have left me unaware of those that he was not comfortable with).

Let your friend stay away from her DH but then, not take any drastic decisions of walking out of the marriage.Of course the kids are one reason but rather than suffering alone one can understand the partner and act accordingly and that would make things straight over a period of time.

Let the couple be away for a few days and let them do a self study and get back to discuss stuff. Since this issue has gone to a very important person outside the family ( any one other than the couple are outside family only be how ever good they are) and hence both of them would not want to see the situation repeated again. This would surely find a good solution or be a good turing point in their lives( it was for me and DH).

ASk your friend no to pull other relatives in to this and make this issue bigger. What theyneed is not other people getting involved. Only both of themneeed to find out their issues, talk over it and get it resolved.Others getting invokved would only add fuel to the fire and the main key point ( addressing each others issues) would be forgotten.Hence let them have a break for a few days, analyse, discuss and decide.

I bet it wouldbe a happy ending!:thumbsup

My wishes to your friend!:thumbsup

geethavinod · Jun 18, 2010

Thanks , SaviethaRajaram

It was a soothing reply.

Priya16 · Jun 18, 2010

if the husband is short temperd then wife should learn how to deal with him.When he is in extremly angry,wife should stay calm for time being and disucss the things when things get cooled off.Ask your friend to learn more mature ways to deal with her husband.

geethavinod · Jun 19, 2010

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 497pt; BORDER-COLLAPSE: collapse" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=663 border=0><COLGROUP><COL style="WIDTH: 497pt; mso-width-source: userset; mso-width-alt: 24246" width=663><TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; WIDTH: 497pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" width=663 height=20>Today morning her husband called her and said it seems to come home, and he is sorry for what happened <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>and he assured that it will not happen again and he said he'll come to pick her from office when the office <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>leaves and go to her mother's house and tell them that he's taking her back home.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20><TR style="HEIGHT: 30pt" height=40><TD class=xl63 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 30pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=40>should she go with him to her mother's place or should she go alone to her mothers place, until he comes to take her home?<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>she's asking for suggestion.<TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20><TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>Thank u Priya16 for ur advise, but she was keeping mum for quiet some time, even then he was not <TR style="HEIGHT: 15pt" height=20><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; HEIGHT: 15pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" height=20>stopping he was telling all unwanted things and was pulling her leg , so she lost her patience.

Visu2k · Jun 21, 2010

She should give it more time. He should realize that this time it is not a routine leaving and coming back thing. Since they are already married for long and have kids, so there is no fear that he would take any hasty decision. Both of them should have enough time to reflect on what happened and how to avoid it in future. Especially he should realize the consequences of what could happen if he were to behave the same way again.

If he calls her and tries to patch up with her, she should let him know the hurt she felt and that she cannot believe him and put her self-respect and life in danger. And unless she could bring herself to believe him she couldn't take the step. If he reverts back to his former self and resorts to emotional blackmail or threats she should cut the call then and there.