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Need serious advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by PetiteFashionB, May 11, 2010.

  1. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    So just a question, you doing all the above, is it helping you to resolve the situation in anyways??? I dont think it would!! rather you are spoiling your health and chances of bearing a child down the line (drinking and taking pills is a big no no!!!). Yes problems would be there and sometimes they do look like mountains with no sight of releif or resolution, but why spoil health over such problems? You are supposed to be stronger and work on making a way through it.

    How about asking your husband whom can he talk to if not the doctors? he has to atleast talk to some therapist or a counsellor so that you both can let out your feelings and resolve it.

    What is your husbands take on having kids? does he want kids? (Sorry I didnt read your past threads)
     
  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I thought so too that you were the one drinking,abusing because you are stressed out.
    There could be few logical reasons, now I may be wrong.(sorry if I am hurting you)
    • He does not want to have kids.
    • He has an affair and waiting for you to quit.
    • He is gay.
    Are there any other issues ? Seems like you might want to really think about this before you decide to have a baby.

    Take care of yourself first. Stop the drinking,hitting. Its not your fault if anyone asks just change the topic or say "not yet".

    Physical abuse is wrong whether done by man or woman. So stop it. Get yourself into counselling and clean up your act. Career will not go anywhere. You can always find a job.

    To Sri,
    He was not always impotent so maybe she can have a baby through IVF or Doctor's help. If she does so ..will that solve everything. Does she still want to be with him.Thats what I wanted to know.
     
  3. PetiteFashionB

    PetiteFashionB Senior IL'ite

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    I would rather prefer affair ,atleast that would prove he is capable.

    He is nt gay or extra-marital...if have asked him 10000000 times.

    He says how can he get excited if i am in bad mood always.I am not always in bad mood,when i am happy he never tries anything.When i ask form P -movies or smthing ,he never agrees.

    All i am demanding is truth...not sex.Even i am so dead now, i dont know i wd like to be intimate with him or not.
    If there is some disease or some orientation, i have right to know.

    All he demands is time.I have given him so much time and i have ruined myself in all that time and never told anyone...in the family.

    I write everything on IL so openly.

    you can judge my condition and now situation is this-i have started saying things in front of friends ...in taunting way( in drunken state)
    and i know days are not far ,when i would start using direct words in front of all.
    (I do say all these words alone in anger,what do i do.- he can do everything,atleast i can speak)


    I know if i was in his place, he would have immediately taken me to doctor.

    I think i would tell my parents first that i would like to come back.Looking at him or thinking of him day and night...drains me of my blood.
     
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Petite,
    You are going in self destructive mode. Please get some help. Maybe go to India to your parents place and sort this out.

    Drinking,taunting,hitting --- not good signs. Take care of yourself before you take any other step.

    You cannot ask him questions if your behaviour is questionable. Take your time ,heal yourself and then stand up for yourself.

    Good Luck
    FL.
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Your situation sounds familiar to me.. you are very frustrated with him, you are drinking, taking pills to sleep. you are desperate for intimacy but you are never getting. I see his stubborn attitude is adding fuel to the fire in you too. It will take a miracle to change things from here on. It is not easy for you to think of living with such person who is so damn stubborn that who is wanting to live in marriage with you, not provide intimacy, not go to doctor, not talk about that . Unfortunately most of the people who suffer are the ones who want something to happen or change but they dont see that change ever coming...talking to his parents will only give you peace that you have put the blame of child bearing on him. But it wont change anything. it is better you seperate temproray and plan what to do? physical abuse all other issues are not right.

     
  6. reshmirn

    reshmirn Bronze IL'ite

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    Just 2 cents from my part..(though mostly a silent reader, I was deeply moved by your situation)
    I don’t think there is any point in forcing your hus’ to consult a doc. Instead why don’t you go to a counsellor where you can open up and seek guidance.
    Having a baby doesn’t sound to be a wise decision as per the present situation. Try solving issues between you two first; if not possible please move on and don’t ruin your youth and health for someone who least deserves it.

    yeah thats like a good girl..now comeon..you have all your dear ILs supporting and praying for you. Have a Break..go home..pour out all your sorrows..You'll get to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Try meditation/yoga and improve your inner strength. You are now full of frustration and please don't ever wait thinking that some miracle will happen.. Take action..and please don't delay.
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    PF,

    Why do you think your husband is not aware of his position.I feel may be he knows what he is incapable of and that's the reason he has no interest to go DR.May be he feels,you get hurt if he disclose the thing.
    Why do you the person is taking so much pain from you and still keeping quite without going to DR.I need to go and read your other threads to understand the problem more.
    But I strongly feel your husband might already know what he is upto.It's upto you to decide to stay with him or leave him.
    Don't you think it's pain for a husband to see a drinking wife at home?If were thinking by doing all these you are making him to go DR.
    I beleive for any person or any adult,do they need so much push to go DR.Did you ever thought he might already know what he had?May be he might discovered after the marraige and don't want to spill just because he might not wanted to hurt you.
    Even to stay in marraige or leave the marriage,first you need to work on yourself.The current position of yours is no better than your husband.
    If you think of other people your position is far better than of lot.So pleasse start work on yourself first and slowly think what is the best for you.Don't hurt that man any more.If you don't want that life then simply leave but don't put that man in the public.I strongly beleive he knows what he had.You can very well discuss with your parents and in-laws.But don't put before the friends.
     
  8. PetiteFashionB

    PetiteFashionB Senior IL'ite

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    He sees me crying all the time,shouting ,hurting myself.
    I wonder it doesny hurt him .shouldnt he stop me from taking pills all the time or drinking that much... and seeing if i am hurting myself.
    He comes to pacify me when i cry alone somtime but does he come to any solution.

    Dont i have any right for an explanation atleast.All i hear is silence from him and he sleeps after sometime.Hardly he responses,sometimes he fights back but never talks seriously.

    what does that mean?
    On emails ,we talk and i get to hear wait ,he is fine ,he ll never see a doctor.

    This has been going for more than a year.
    Every sunday we fight and dont talk and it goes till friday bcos some friend of his comes in to stay for 2 days and we dont fight then and sunday again we are alone and i start thinking on this.

    I thought he is nt like other men but he is one of those bastards ,who never understand wifes value.
     
  9. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    PFB,

    I understand it must be very hard for you to balance this without "outing" your husband to your family, friends and still keeping a bold face.

    But please don't spoil your health over this. Drink and pills are just temporary solution which will risk your health as age goes by. Think. What if there comes a day and doctor said, "If only your eggs were good for reproduction" or something like that. You do know that if you keep drinking, it will affect your fertility, yeah? So please don't give up your chance of having an healthy baby.

    Also, let's say tomorrow he takes this legally before you do, he might very well twist that you were such a drunkard and pill-abuser and what not. Do you want to give him that chance after all you went through for him? Please think.

    If he is not listening to anything. I might suggest this. Forget him. Start going to a counsellor on your own. (S)he might help you see your problems with more clarity. I know its easy to say, but don't fight with him. I think he is used to handling your fight. Go out for a nice dinner and

    (1) Ask him what is future plans are?
    (2) How is you going to support his wife who is being bombarded with questions from everywhere. Tell him, this is a marriage and it takes 2 to be responsible. Ask him if you can do anything to solve this issue.
    (3) Tell him it hurts to be a scapegoat for this society(family, friends) anymore. Ask him what should we do about it. Discreetly tell him that you are not going to be scapegoat for long as well as your patience is running low.

    Give him sometime and tell him to come back with answers/solutions.

    I think he is just embarrassed and scared to go and check himself out. With support he might be ready? Only you can tell. Give him options that there are ways to overcome this issue and lead a peaceful life.

    Good luck !!
     
  10. grihasta

    grihasta New IL'ite

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    In your 5 years of married life, for the first 3.5 years, did you have regular sex? What caused him to stop suddenly? Did it stop suddenly or sort of tapered off? If you do turn on some **** on the TV, does he watch it? Do you see any reaction from him at that time? What about erotic literature?

    The worst you can do is getting drunk and engaging in physical abuse. Please remember that in the unlikely event of you two getting intimate together, your alcohol abuse will also affect your chances of getting pregnant or the fetus. And the more physical abuse you do, the farther the two of you will go.

    Trying being off alcohol for couple of weeks and not engaging in fights. He may be getting his friends to drop in, and going to gyms to avoid getting into fights with you. Try being normal for a month or so. Don't raise the intimacy topic at all. Go on a vacation somewhere, just the both of you for a week or so to a nice location. See if the old spark comes back, of if he is more open with you on his problems. There may be a chance that some other big issue at work or with his parents might be causing him too much stress and pressure, leading to impotency. Also, if he keeps thinking that he is impotent, he can't get an erection succesfully too. When you go on a vacation, and have no fights but just enjoy quality time together, maybe, just maybe he might get a spark!

    Also, concentrate on your career, find a job. Being away from home for sometime will definitely take your mind off these problems. Remember, An idle mind is a devil's workshop!

    Did you tell him that you will inform his parents? What was his reaction to that?

    The last option you have is divorce. Impotency is a valid ground for divorce in India, and withholding sex for a long time without medical reason also amounts to cruelty according to Supreme court ruling. Tell him that clearly too!

    BTW, I can see your anger and rage in your posts. Please calm down and try to take control of your life. Alcohol and physical abuse won't get you anywhere, it just makes you feel even worse later on! Both of them give you a very bad hangover!! You are hoping that seeing you in such a state at least will make him tell the truth or go to a doctor. Clearly, that has failed. Now, don't pursue that path anymore as you will spoil your health too, and might affect your chances of conceiving too.

    Take a break! After you come back from your vacation, if things still haven't got better, go to a doctor for a full physical check up. Keep the records, and then tell him calmly that the next time someone asks her why she isn't pregnant yet from his parents or friends, you will tell them the truth that he is impotent. Your records will prove that you don't have anything to hide in case he tries to blame it on you
     
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