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Need serious advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by PetiteFashionB, May 11, 2010.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I looked at some of your other threads, and it seems you've been having full tension on this problem for a while now with no end in sight. I think if it's going to go on like this where your life is miserable, you need to get out of the marriage. If he WANTED to fix this problem and WANTED to save the relationship, then you could try too and maybe things would get better. But looks like he is not going to try to make anything better. And one person can't save a relationship. It takes one person to ruin a relationship, but both to save it.

    If I were you I would opt for divorce. If he loved you, he would have consulted a doctor. If he loved you, he would have had an open talk with you about then when/where/how of having children. Instead, he does everything he can to tick you off. Seems like he is treating this marriage as a game, and in the meanwhile, you are wasting your life. I think you should come to a decision very soon.... either learn to cope in a sexless, kidless, loveless marriage, or move on.
     
  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Five years is a long time to tolerate this type of behaviour. A person can emphathise if a problem is revealed but Pf B has tolerated enough.
    What can his parents do any way, how will it change the situation ? Even they knew about the problem and hid it still does not solve it.
    Leave the toxic situation ,let him handle his parents.
     
  3. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    Calm down first. It is not a quick fix and you cannot fix it in one day. Lets get things straight.
    • He was fine intially and now he is impotent for the last 1 1/2 yrs.
    • You want a baby.. he does not ( I agree with ASG that he would go to a doc if he wanted).
    • There is physical abuse.. who is doing it, you or him?
    • There is drinking problem.. who is doing it?
    • You are frustrated with your career.
    • You are angry at relatives advice.
    What do you want? Can you live with an impotent husband even if you had a baby? First figure that out and then decide.

    No need of telling parents now. Keep everyone out of picture for now.

    Don't just book tickets and go. That will not solve anything.First figure out your issues.

    Take Care.
    FL
     
  4. raha256

    raha256 Bronze IL'ite

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    Take a break and go to your parents place for a month. Lets see whether he is taking a step towards you. If he wants you in his life sure, he SHOULD go to a doctor or incase if he is not having sex with you just because of stress, he will start.

    Before u go to your parents place tell him that if someone questions about the baby, you will show fingers on him. it is not necessary that you should tell this to parents or relatives. it is jus to inform him that you will take the blame anymore.
     
  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Booking tickets does not mean getting divorced ! It merely means taking a holiday away from the same issues day in and day out.
    It also means giving space to the relationship which is giving so much pain to the poster and maybe her DH too.
    A change of environment will do good to PF B who is undergoing so much anguish and give a fresh perspective to the problem.
    Maybe DH will agree to see a doctor.
    Or PF B look for another job and get a hold on your life.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2010
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Well said and As always, clear cut post, FL.

    FL, I was thinking becoming a father is not possible with impotency.. :hide: Sorry if this is such a naive question..
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is my thought too!! isnt it?? Will OP be able to have a baby with him? If not is that what is bugging OP and her husband?? is that what is creating the rifts and problems as OPs husband doesnt want to declare it to the family / doctors about the medical issue (however it does sound like a bad decision of OPs husband about not going to a doc, because may be the doctors can help him if he gets to talk to them about the problem)
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2010
  8. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Per FL, she was thinking in terms of IVF it seems. (Sometimes I forget to think 'Out of the box').
     
  9. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    These things completely stump me.

    To me some situations are above the line and some situations are below the line. The situations above the line are salvageable and worth the effort. Some are below the line and it's better to cut the losses!

    This one ....:bonk
     
  10. PetiteFashionB

    PetiteFashionB Senior IL'ite

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    It is me who is suffering from all sides here.I get to hear all type of Qns, from everyone-my family,relatives, his family....-Any good news,no ,why not ,why my career not working....why why why?

    I am under so much stress that i cant think about my career or anything.

    ~It is me who is into so much of drinking.
    ~me who is mostly hitting him and myself.
    ~me taking pills or something all the time.

    ~He loves me he tells me in fights but he wont go to a doctor for this love.I tell him if u love me you should be going to a doc...No.

    ~He knows i am ready to go back ,he doesnt care.He knows he would chase me back here if i dont come bk and try to settle in india.He thinks with family ,freinds around , i wont bother him on this.

    ~one thing, Ok,he wasnt having sex bcos of stress,pressure ,will it stay for 1 1/2 yrs and still going on..moreover, i forced him into some over-the-counter pills (3-4 months ) and nothing worked.Doesnt that mean there is something serious?when he is suffering from High BP.

    ~about 8-9months back,i pressurized on doc-visit and he made excuses that he has already seen a doc and would tell me results in 1-2 days.
    So 1-2 days passed calmly, after 1-2 days he told me reports have come ,he is all fine ,this is gud news so be happy.
    again 1 day passed and later on he told me ,he is all fine ,he intentionally didnt do anything because he had assumed celibacy for sometime for sm religious reason.

    Ok,one thing,what kind of man on earth would stop in between ,unless he is nt aroused.
    Secndly,if he had some religious absitence ,he is supposed to tell me and will it continue for yrs.

    Am i a fool or what?Sex is not everything.I stayed here after my ruined career bcos i loved him.Now only this thing bothers me that he cant see a doc for me..when i ruined myself for this man and hear blames too.
     

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