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Need serious advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by PetiteFashionB, May 11, 2010.

  1. PetiteFashionB

    PetiteFashionB Senior IL'ite

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    This is the second time i am on IL with the same topic.I am in lot of trouble here.

    Please suggest me what would be the rightest step.

    My husband is being impotent.He cant do anything and we are like that for more than a year.I brought him some pills which he doesnt take seriously and nothing helped.
    He doest go to a doctor.I have tried every way to persuade him.I know even if i kill myself or go back to india ,he wont see a doc as it would hurt his ego.
    I am totally fed up.I ask him to watch P-movies or something like that ,(to test him..i know he irritates) he doesnt.
    He starts making excuses.He used to force me into that earlier and we used to fight over that.

    Now everyone is asking us for kids and people think that i am the reason(usually woman has problems and i was on hormones in my teens so my side totally think i have problems) .and since i am not working now(i quit long back bcos of him) ,it is obvious that there is 'medical reason' for us not-having-kids.
    And everytime i get to hear from relatives- i should go to doc .I tell them i am fine they dont agree thinking i feel ashamed and again keep on stressing ,' we know,we understand ,dont go for bigger medication ,atleast take some consultation. or come to india ,we wd take u to doc ,we have great docs here....'
    Even far-flung relatives have started saying now.

    Out of this frustation ,i am crying & drinking all the time and our fights have gone physical.I dont tell my parents my hell-life.He doesnt like to talk on his impotency, his medication ,anything,He is all shut...when i speak no reply.

    I have totally ruined my career ,i wanted to start a family so bad and was working away from home earlier so quit everything and joined husband to get this.
    Waited ,waited.....he wouldnt respond to my initiation...would laugh out and go away....
    ...started real discussions after 3-4 months...and now we dont speak ,we fight.

    One day ,suddenly out of anger,i told my parents about his impotency.I dint disclose about us not being intimate and they are worried and pressurizing me again to take him to doc.
    Now i think i should tell his parents.?Any suggestions?He i know wont listen to anyone.

    I tried so much to study,gre o concentrate but he is so much over me.We almost fight everyday.Weekends we need to bring over some guest-friend all day at home .Sundays we are alone ,we fight ,whole weeks passes like this me being sad and not talking.

    What should i do.I dont have anybody here in US, to get away from him.
    I dont want to tense everybody,as he wd get defamed in my family so i am all filled up.
    Relatives might make fun of him or us as it was love marriage,parents wd be tensed.

    I have ruined my career and everything for him and he cant even go to a doc for me.He knows i am weak and wont leave him.
    In anger i hurt myself so much.Sometimes , i hit myself to wall ,i daily eat sleeping pills .He knows,feels bad but wot see a doc.

    He has high blood pressure and i researched ,this might be a reason.Shouldnt he be going to a doc for his own health?
    What should i do to persuade him to a doc?Should i book my tickets?
    I try everytime and now he makes fun of me ,i know u keep looking on websites but never dare to go.If you wanted to go,,you would have left by now.You would have never told me ,i am going..
    Smtimes i feel he is daring me.

    We never spend time alone.We know we wll fight.He works late and spends rest hours in gym.Wkends before i wake up ,his friend showup or he is in gym.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2010
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    It takes two to make a baby. So no matter what YOU do, it won't make any difference if he is not willing to try.

    Fertility issues aside, you should ask him if he even WANTS a baby. Because my opinion is, if a man really wants a child, he will suck up his ego and go for a checkup with the doc.

    If he says no to wanting a baby, you should ask him how long until he is ready. If he thinks about it and says he never wants, then you need to think whether you can live life without a child or not. If you want a child, and he doesn't, those are two fundamentally different opinions on a topic which shouldn't be forced. In that case, it may be better for you to find a life partner who wants the same things as you do.

    However if he is wanting a baby, you need to explain to him that you can't wait forever and that he needs to go to the doctor. If he refuses, then ask him if he would prefer adoption.

    I don't think you should involve parents, because why would you want a baby by force? If he doesn't want a baby, he doesn't want baby! And I think it's better to know that, than force a man who may not want a child, to procreate! So either he should come to the decision to procreate willfully, or not at all. But to be guilted or forced by parents is just a recipe for disaster. And really not at all fair to the kid.

    And might I add... have you considered that maybe now is not the best time for a kid in your relationship? Physical fights, anger, resentment, no communication... all those problems should be settled before bringing another life into this world. Maybe take this infertility problem as a blessing in disguise to get your relationship issues worked out first. I know it's a tough situation to be in, but you've got to stay calm and tackle this cooly and rationally.

    Good luck.
     
  3. PetiteFashionB

    PetiteFashionB Senior IL'ite

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    Thnks a lot for giving a thought over my situation and dropping a suggestion.

    My problem is : all this fights ,phyical abuse, ..evrything has started now over the last 1 yr when i came to know all this.

    Its not that he doesnt want a child( married for 5 yrs), he is impotent plus he cant have sex.He doesnt feel anything.

    And i tell him we cant go forever like this , atleast having a baby would take my mind away from you -not having intimate with me and not having a job .

    I have proposed adoption or artificial-baby so many times, but he knows doing this ,would make it public that he is incapable.

    He says ,dont worry ,we would hve babies..wait.
    How many months should i wait. i waited for 15 f-------- months.
    In the begining he dint even tell me anything.I would try to take the initiative and he would start laughing and retreat.What does that mean?Am i a slut trying to find a customer?Then i stayed calm for many months.

    I know ,today even he gets fine ,he wont stay good longer.
    He has lot of other diseases.


    Finally i got to know.
    God knows ,if he never gets fixed and i will be all old and ruined after him.
    I am really bottled up now and want to take a step .Be it divorce or killing him.
     
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Your relationship with him is not a healthy one. It's clear you have so much hostility towards each other.

    And my dear, a baby is not a subsitute for sex. Even with a baby, there will always be a void in your married life due to lack of intimacy. A baby should be the product of love between two people.... not a time pass to keep the mother's mind off her crappy marriage!

    This relationship is sucking the life out of you. And if he doesn't want to get help to give you your basic spousal right of intimacy... then I really don't think this marriage is right for you.

    Killing him won't bring you any peace, please don't even think of that as a possibility. I think the only thing that will bring you peace is a marriage with intimacy and the chance at starting a family. So, you either need to make that happen with him once and for all, or MOVE ON to somebody who can give you all that.

    And remember, our partner's are supposed to bring out the best in us... not the worst. This side of you that is drinking and fighting and miserable... says a lot about your marriage. This isn't how it should be. I really think you need to evaluate what you want in life.
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    p.s. Just wanted to add, if you do split up from him, when his parents inquire why, that's when I would let them know that their son has been the reason for no grandkids and that he has sexual problems. At least then maybe they would think twice to get such a guy married to another girl.

    Having sexual dysfunction or not wanting kids is one thing. Lots of men have sexual dysfunction, but most deal with it, get treated, and move on! Refusing treatment and starving your spouse of sex is completely wrong. I would have been out of the marriage long ago. So you have never in the history of your marriage consumated the relationship??? That is crazy!! I feel for you!
     
  6. rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    I think enough is enough, give his an ultimatum that you come to the doc now along with you or you are calling they parents. Its high time you spill the beans to his family , maybe he would change.

    But even if so he still behaves the same sorry you have to let go this relationship. I guess he made up his mind not be bothered, I mean who does that........ ??? its crazy, that you are behind him to get help for yrs now.... and he just smiles and goes away, thats psychotic laughing at other pain :rant
     
  7. PetiteFashionB

    PetiteFashionB Senior IL'ite

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    No,he was ok but became useless 1 1/2 yr back.He doesnt care i tell anybody.He is stubborn like his other family.
    I really i think i should get away from him now and tell his parents first.
    He is expecting me to live with him like this forever ...even he is doest get better.
     
  8. PetiteFashionB

    PetiteFashionB Senior IL'ite

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    OMG..He is so stubborn ...Why the hell did i marry him.
    I had this biggest fight today and i gave him ultimatum.
    that i would leave him and tell his family.
    He has to make the decision now and talk to me only about it
    ...omg.i havent seen such a guy in my life.
    He was disturbed for sometime ,tried to talk to me (not on this topic,just normal since i am angry) and now he ate and slept .
    Nothing...no response,and now i wont sleep whole night in tension.
    Wht should i do with this guy...
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Calm down, easier said than done though.
    Get a ticket and head home , stay away from each other for some time . Then you can think rationally and feel good having done something concrete.
    Either there is a serious medical problem or something else , the beans will be spilt anyhow when you move away. Whether you take any legal action or not just get out of the environment. Dont bother about what people will say .
    This is a practical solution when the DH stonewalls you and makes you feel insane and helpless and tries to lead a normal life.
    No point in staying together and going crazy with frustration. There has to be a showdown leading to a lot of decisions .
    But please do not continue in this situation as its making you sick,as it is you are on sleeping pills .
    Even adopting a baby or going for IVF secretly cannot solve the problem. Its good that you told your parents about DH , they will help you get out of the situation.
    Take care !
     
  10. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    PF B,
    What is stopping you from telling his parents ???
    Its already late and 5 years of married life. He would have told you about this in courtship period. Tell his parents and let them know that if he can't cooperate, then you can take your own decision of leaving him. Are you sure that he is impotent???I mean any evidence?
    Sometimes, due to some tensions and issues at personal front, men may take sometime to go for baby. Just check with his parents if they know. I think they already knew about his problem, just hide it and got you married to him.
     

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