Ok, today was not a good day. I asked Dad about this health in certain areas. Then Dad mentioned that he is worred about one particular health aspect. He is scared to use restroom. When he cleans himself he is practically shaking in fear because area is paining, itching and he cannot tolerate (and my Dad has high pain threshold). He said his hands are shaking every Then I felt very guilty, and I said, I already cut my exercise in half, and decreased my food intake, let me know what I should cut out. Dad said that he feels very guilty that he is burdening me. Already I faced many problems in childhood (learning disabilities, emotional issues, delayed speech), then this nightmare marriage, and Dad feels guilty that is asking me to lift more weight than I can carry. But I feel if I can put more time into helping with medical issues, he won't be in pain. I'm sure it is a simple issue that can be managed, and somehow we are not able to connect the dots. Certainly he won't shake in fear everytime he has to use restroom. We visited colon-rectal surgeon in mid-Oct, she prescribed compound medicine to reduce ulcers in anal opening. For a week it worked, then it started creating terrible itching. As it is, my Dad started suffering from itching in other parts of body earlier in 2017. The extreme fear of using the bathroom happened AFTER Dr prescribed compound medicine to reduce the ulcers Then I said to Dad that during recreation I paint and then he got upset and said I did enough damange for the night. I kept asking what I said wrong, and he got upset and made me leave. He said he cannot take all of this and doesn't want to live anymore. He says lot of time he has this feeling. Five minutes later he came to room to give me hug and told me not to continue conversation. Only to remind me tomorrow is bitter cold, and to remember to use antibiotic on my wrist (I have a rash) I wanted to ask my Dad the following but 1. He is too upset 2. If I wait later, it will upset him again Here is what to ask. What did I say wrong when I said for recreation I paint? Honestly, I got into painting after my marriage (it was never a marriage, the person what a fraud) was shattered. Painting was a way for me to cope. And I painted places that I dreamed of going, dreamed that my Husband would take me. These places I am not sure if I would ever go. Painting was a way to revive the once great Punjabi culture, It is now dead and half the youth are addicted to drugs, the music industry is more vulgar and graphic than anything you can imaging. And where women were once value and considered equal to men, they are now degraded. If they aren't aborted because of their gender, they are tortured for whole life.This is what my ex is a product of, yet he presented himself as being cultured, from good family, from golden times. In other words, painting bought my dead dreams back to life. And it helped me be social with one or two right people. Maybe God doesn't want me to paint right now. I had in mind to study pre-med and MCAT after my government job gets secured, because that is also a source of stress right now. In middle of year I become permanent employee, or get terminated. But I am thinking maybe God wants me to stop painting, God wants me to stop writing technical book (I'm 80% done with 1st draft), and focus on medicine. Why should any person be in debilitating, torturing pain when they are going to restroom? And there is only so much a Doctor (with good education, good heart) can do. They see lot of patients, have limited time, have to deal with insurance, have to deal with their own life stresses. I still cannot understand how I upset Dad. I was never good at understanding human emotions. When my ex would get upset at me I would cry and think what I did wrong . Now I realize my ex was cruel, manipulative and wanted me to give him divorce so he can leave, still get Citizenship, and then marry someone 20 years younger than him from India. But my Dad is truly upset at what I said, and I really cannot understand why. Just please someone, preferrably a parent, preferably an older parent with grown children, please explain where I went wrong. Because I am not going to ask my Dad and upset him further. My mother is actually taunting by saying this is your Happy New Year. Why didn't God make her barren? I would have same Dad, plus a sensible mom who would help and support.