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Need Perspective From Older Parents

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ChennaiExpress, Jan 2, 2018.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok, today was not a good day.

    I asked Dad about this health in certain areas.

    Then Dad mentioned that he is worred about one particular health aspect. He is scared to use restroom. When he cleans himself he is practically shaking in fear because area is paining, itching and he cannot tolerate (and my Dad has high pain threshold).

    He said his hands are shaking every

    Then I felt very guilty, and I said, I already cut my exercise in half, and decreased my food intake, let me know what I should cut out.

    Dad said that he feels very guilty that he is burdening me. Already I faced many problems in childhood (learning disabilities, emotional issues, delayed speech), then this nightmare marriage, and Dad feels guilty that is asking me to lift more weight than I can carry.

    But I feel if I can put more time into helping with medical issues, he won't be in pain. I'm sure it is a simple issue that can be managed, and somehow we are not able to connect the dots.

    Certainly he won't shake in fear everytime he has to use restroom.

    We visited colon-rectal surgeon in mid-Oct, she prescribed compound medicine to reduce ulcers in anal opening. For a week it worked, then it started creating terrible itching. As it is, my Dad started suffering from itching in other parts of body earlier in 2017. The extreme fear of using the bathroom happened AFTER Dr prescribed compound medicine to reduce the ulcers

    Then I said to Dad that during recreation I paint and then he got upset and said I did enough damange for the night. I kept asking what I said wrong, and he got upset and made me leave. He said he cannot take all of this and doesn't want to live anymore. He says lot of time he has this feeling.

    Five minutes later he came to room to give me hug and told me not to continue conversation. Only to remind me tomorrow is bitter cold, and to remember to use antibiotic on my wrist (I have a rash)

    I wanted to ask my Dad the following but
    1. He is too upset
    2. If I wait later, it will upset him again

    Here is what to ask. What did I say wrong when I said for recreation I paint?

    Honestly, I got into painting after my marriage (it was never a marriage, the person what a fraud) was shattered. Painting was a way for me to cope.

    And I painted places that I dreamed of going, dreamed that my Husband would take me. These places I am not sure if I would ever go.

    Painting was a way to revive the once great Punjabi culture, It is now dead and half the youth are addicted to drugs, the music industry is more vulgar and graphic than anything you can imaging. And where women were once value and considered equal to men, they are now degraded. If they aren't aborted because of their gender, they are tortured for whole life.This is what my ex is a product of, yet he presented himself as being cultured, from good family, from golden times.

    In other words, painting bought my dead dreams back to life. And it helped me be social with one or two right people.

    Maybe God doesn't want me to paint right now.

    I had in mind to study pre-med and MCAT after my government job gets secured, because that is also a source of stress right now. In middle of year I become permanent employee, or get terminated.

    But I am thinking maybe God wants me to stop painting, God wants me to stop writing technical book (I'm 80% done with 1st draft), and focus on medicine.

    Why should any person be in debilitating, torturing pain when they are going to restroom? And there is only so much a Doctor (with good education, good heart) can do. They see lot of patients, have limited time, have to deal with insurance, have to deal with their own life stresses.


    I still cannot understand how I upset Dad. I was never good at understanding human emotions. When my ex would get upset at me I would cry and think what I did wrong . Now I realize my ex was cruel, manipulative and wanted me to give him divorce so he can leave, still get Citizenship, and then marry someone 20 years younger than him from India.

    But my Dad is truly upset at what I said, and I really cannot understand why.

    Just please someone, preferrably a parent, preferably an older parent with grown children, please explain where I went wrong. Because I am not going to ask my Dad and upset him further.

    My mother is actually taunting by saying this is your Happy New Year. Why didn't God make her barren?

    I would have same Dad, plus a sensible mom who would help and support.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2018
    MonikaSG likes this.
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  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Chennai express I really like you and pray for your better life. You are so innocent yet so strong one of your own kind and hard to find anywhere in this world.
    What I feel after reading this is your dad too loves you a lot as you do to him. He want you to live a more better life with an understanding young dynamic husband rather than with an old ill man. He feels himself very lucky to have you with him at this stage when no one in the world is there to look after him and he too cannot serve to anyone in this condition. He want to die so that you can live your life instead of always worrying about him. I really feel he should get a good health and should be able to arrange your marriage whenever it will be. May you get everything that comes to your thoughts. Love you dear. Be as you are.
     
  3. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for these reassuring words.

    I guess it is easy to forget how much someone is suffering when they don't show it.

    Now I am trying to tune myself to medicine, to study medicine (even paint human anatomy) so there is a chance I can help My Dad.

    As the ladies on the boards said, once you start studying medicine there is no turning back.

    I still cannot understand why my Dad got very angry and upset when I said for recreation I paint.

    I am too scared to paint anything now other than human anatomy, so that I may learn.

    Its as if my Dad is stuck in a ditch and I am too relaxed to help him.
     
  4. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    It may had happened he didn't noticed what you said and was saying about his feelings?
     
  5. Tamrakshar

    Tamrakshar Gold IL'ite

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    I think he is suffering a lot! The pain must be excruciating! You didn't say anything offensive from your perspective. But a person in agony can sometimes misinterpret even good gestures.
     
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    From reading your post, Once you said about "recreation" "painting", I am assuming the reason he got upset about this is because it may have made him realize about the quality of your life. "My daughter should have been living a life with husband n kids instead she's stuck taking care of an old man n painting."
    It would have upset him that you are trying to live your life through paintings instead of in real. His worries about your future, his sickness, regrets of the past, etc.

    It's all out of love n care n about what will come next.

    Nothing can be done about the past except maybe take all the valuable lessons from it. But you can show him that you are living your life with confidence, happiness and value the time together and talk about a positive future. It would help him n you.
     
  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    CE, lot of hugs for you ! It’s not easy being a caregiver specially to an elderly parent. Chronic pains are a very common feature of aging and it’s not easy living like that. So I would not feel bad or wonder why your dad wanted you to not paint.
    Being a caregiver and with other stressful situations in your life it is important that you have an outlet like painting . So please pursue it when you have some down time. Or else you might have a burn out and maynot be able to help your dad either
    My good wishes to both of you. Please take care !
     
  8. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Well as soon as I said it he got up and said I have done enough damage for today.

    It was in response to what I said.
     
  9. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    I guess I didn't realize he would misinterpret.
     
  10. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    He thinks that problems will start with marriage because person is stuck.

    He was looking for person who would love me more than I love him and would bend over backwards for me.

    Unfortunately we got a criminal-minded fraud.

    I wish my Dad and I can enjoy whatever time we have with each other.

    Isn't that the purpose of family?

    Sometimes I do feel I am living life through painting instead of real.
     
    GeetaKashyap and MonikaSG like this.

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