Need Honest Opinions

Valli1964 · Apr 24, 2017

Pardon me for the lengthy post.

I am a 52 year old retired English Teacher. I was married at a young age of 18 to my husband, a distant second cousin of mine. Our marriage has always been ideally happy, my in laws good and noble people. We have only one son, now 32. He married a girl of his choice 3 years ago. Me and my husband gave our approval to the match, and insisted that the new couple live separately immediately after marriage. I am not really keen on living in a joint family, and felt young people should always be given the chance to live on their own. We helped them with a hefty deposit for their new flat. They live about half an hour away from us.

I took an early retirement after my son's marriage. The reason was that me and my husband wanted to travel and visit places we have always dreamed of, now that our responsibilities are over. We have a good retirement fund set aside, our own house and good health. This decision though, has led to some peculiar problems.

A few months after my son's wedding, me and my husband went to Shimla for a few days. We really enjoyed the trip, and when we came back, my son and his wife came over for a visit. When my husband was showing my son the trip pictures, my DIL came upto me in the kitchen (I was making some snacks for them) and made a few comments about how surprised she was that we went to Shimla and not some religious place. I was a little surprised at her (what I thought was highly rude and interfering) comments. I shut her down by letting her know that though religious, we are not too interested in making pilgrimages.

The comments continued - every time we went somewhere, she'd make them (out of earshot of my son and husband) She seems to imply it is inappropriate for a couple our age to go to 'romantic' destinations. I do not understand what this girl's problem is. I am not asking her for money. I do not interfere in her life or give her any advice. Why does it matter to her where I go with my husband? I did not mention these incidents to anyone, but I admit I did not like her very much after them.

That anyway, is the least of my concerns now.

My DIL gave birth to our first granddaughter a year ago. We did a grand Shreemantham for her, and gave her and the newborn many presents after the birth. She went back to work after the baby turned five months old, and my son requested that we look after the baby. We agreed, and every day one of them would drop the infant in the morning, and my DIL would collect her in the evening after work.

I love my grandchild and adored having her in the house, but problems started immediately. My DIL was extremely controlling as to the child's schedule, and demanded she be fed and played with and made to sleep exactly as she wished. I understand new mothers have fears, but no child is a machine - sometimes they eat more, sometimes less. Sometimes they may not nap. That's how children are. My DIL seemed incapable of understanding this.

Things exploded yesterday evening when the child was nearly one. My DIL had sent some cut up strawberries and demanded the child have them at 3 PM for her afternoon snack. My grandchild wanted a banana instead, and refused the strawberries. I did not force her, and gave her the banana instead. My DIL started ranting and screaming loudly, hurling abuse at us. Her daughter started crying uncontrollably as we tried to calm her down. She left in a huff.

Yesterday night, after a long chat, my husband called up my son and DIL and told them we are no longer going to look after the child. If my DIL is so particular about how things ought to be done, she can hire a good nanny. My son was rather useless, I am afraid. He seems too gutless to stand up for anything, not his wife, not for us. I am surprised and shocked at what a useless and spineless child I have raised.

They made another scene, calling us selfish and terrible parents etc. My husband put down the phone.

I miss my granddaughter badly, but I'm also tired of this endless nagging from my DIL - when did she sleep, when did she poo, what did she eat, what did she drink, did you sterilize her spoon, her bowl etc etc etc.

Am I wrong?

aswathyk · Apr 24, 2017

I think your DIL have an ego problem. Because You both doing what they can't.

I am facing the same issue from my MIL.this is the first time I heard about DIL.

You both go and visit granddaughter and spend some time with her. If there is any talk, just say we are ready to take care of her. But we can't force her to sleep or eat etc. Because she is just 1yr. If you are not interested then hire a nanny. We also come and care her if needed.Give all your love and care to granddaughter .

Just ignore other talks from them. And enjoy your days.

ashneys · Apr 24, 2017

Hi, First of all, i would like to say i am very impressed and happy to see how u have planned your life. Settle the kid, take time for yourself n ur hubby and going on holidays. Plz dont let anyone stop u from doing wat u want to do.

I maybe close to your DIL's age. N I don't think you are wrong. I am obsessed n over protective of our kid but even i understand that the kids cant be controlled like a machine. N If we are leaving our child for a few hours at my parents or in laws house, they work it out themselves n it comes to us only if they need us to intervene. Grand parents house, i feel, should be to pamper the grandchild n jus have fun not like following a military schedule.

I think you n ur husband have handled everything very well. You are right to take your stand. Just because u r grandparents, it doesnt mean u have no right to live n u r at their disposal. We do not expect our parents to care for our child. Even though our parents r orthodox / traditional, all of us know they rnt ready to take care of a child full time. Many wants to live their life in peace, doing wat they want, without having to worry about cooking, cleaning, raising kids.. they have done enuf sacrifices for us now its their time. I am not talking abt all, Some wants to do it, some doesnt. But it has to be their choice. U as parents raise us, n once we become parents, v expect u to raise our kids too...?? really? that doesn't seem right. Why have a kid, if u dono how to raise it? Many working moms have raised their kids successfully on their own for decades, its time for ur dil to learn.

Your DIL seem to be having some issues in accepting that you live in this era. Or maybe shes jus jealous. And immatured. Shes human too after all. Dil torturing the mil is equally wrong. She has no rite in sayin where u have to go n how u shud live ur life. Would she be ok, if u do the same to her? you are elder to her and her mother in law, she is not rite in raising her voice at u, esp wen u have been nice and been there for them. U as parents has done enuf n more, u dont need to keep doing more. If they have such control issues, let them hire a good nanny. You have all the rites to romance n live. I have seen my grandparents romancing, its one of the sweetest memory of my childhood. People have been doing it forever, its nothing new. Just bcoz u r senior in age, ur life doesnt stop n u exist to do seva for others. So pls dont let anyone make u feel wrong or guilty for living ur life.

GoogleGlass · Apr 24, 2017

Congrats on planning your retirement and living a life that normally each one of us has to plan & enjoy and not wait for the retirement to happen and ponder what to do the rest of the life or be at the mercy of DIL/Son/Daughter...

Stick to your decision and let them go hunting for a nanny of their choice and pay a price and realize your importance. If a deed is not valued then there is no question whether to provide it or not.

nolife · Apr 24, 2017

Hi,
I am happy to see someone like you in todays world .. Looks like your DIL is not happy with what ever the pleasures she got and want more..I would say better to control her behavior than encourage more crap.. Stop giving them gifts and let them realize that she needs to treat you well..what your husband did is absolutely correct. Your son should never call you useless or spineless.. This reminds me of my grandmother now at her old age elder son is not looking after her due to bitchy DIL...Next time do not tell your travel plans to your son and daughter in law... She should ideally be feeling happy to get a MIL like you who allowed to give them freedom..
It natural to miss a grand child that too when you have taken care of him for 1 year..It takes time to move on.. Let them hire a nanny or let ur DIL quit job to understand how raising a child is all about..Be thick skinned and things will fall in place.

Shanvy · Apr 24, 2017

@Valli1964 welcome to il and i am so happy to see someone who has planned their retirement life. You have given a lot of your life for the family from the age of 18. It is your life and you can enjoy it the way you want. You do not need the approval stamp of your dil to go on these trips. Some kids do not realise the parents have put aside a lot to accomodate others and the bucket list keeps filling and never reducing. And do tell her if the new 40 is 30's well then the new 50's is the 40's and you are doing it on your own and not being dependent.

We are not going to discuss the screaming or controlling behaviour of your dil or about her views. Stick to this issue alone.

Well be firm and tell your son and dil that you love your grandchild, you have raised your son and guided a few as a teacher. It is kind of hard to follow a strict regime when your heart and common sense says not to with regards to feeding/sleeping/disciplining kids.

Let them get a nanny. Let them understand that it is not your responsiblity to take care of grand kids. Yes, you will step in and help when needed, but not be available 24x7.

I do not have married kids but we had this discussion among my friend's group and i find a new group of people who feel stifled by being used as nanny.

The daugter or son are going to have a baby, the parents are supposed to put thier own personal plans on hold and be at the beck and call. Not trying to hurt any body here. Recently, heard a neighbour say, s , i am so tired of going to the us of a, whenever they call.

Just my pov. Those who don't agree, let us agree to disagree.

joylokhi · Apr 24, 2017

Dear Valli1964,
Each one of the above have given their opinion and there is no doubt that your DIL has not realised how lucky she is to not only be able to have an independent life of her own with your son , as well as her child being cared for by you both. It may hurt you to have your grandchild being cared for by an outsider, when you are available, but your husband is right - when it is not appreciated, it is better they manage on their own. Do not get into arguments with them - but let them know that if their child is to be looked after, you will do it your way or they are free to find ways to be cared for. It is better to be firm in this. Best wishes.

Valli1964 · Apr 24, 2017

Thank you my dear girls I am so happy to see what good advice you've given me. Unfortunately today my son and DIL came home with the baby and said some very bad things and I think we have a permanent breach now. I cannot stop crying. I will let you all know what happened when I can see a little better.

guesshoo · Apr 24, 2017

If is so refreshing to hear on this forum about how well you e planned your retired life and how progressive you have been as far as your son#s life is concerned.

I would suggest you openly but fondly laugh at narrow minded comments about your trips and dismiss them right in front of your DIL. " ha ha! You sound too old fashioned for such a seemingly modern girl. Anyway, let's drink tea." Or, give a mysterious look and say, "how much you have to learn about life, my dear! Anyway, come let's drink tea." Hum and tune and walk away or attend to your business.

About strawberry-gate, your DIL's rant was indeed disproportionate and unreasonable. Quite disappointing that your son didn't diffuse the situation either. What you did was completely within your rights.

However in the interest of your grandchild and also to assuage any guilt that may crop up in you or your husband, here is a suggestion. Give your son and dil a month of grace period to make alternate arrangements for childcare - finding a reliable good nanny or nursery will take at least that long, I think. I'm certain you don't want the child to be thrust into the hands of the first nanny who applies for the job... and in that month, for any nagging, refuse to engage and say, "bear with us just for 2 more weeks and your nanny will do it your way." Don't provide an audience for your DIL's or son's bad behaviour or justify yourself - there's not reason to. Take the high road. Perhaps they will realise how good they've had it all this while.