Need Help With Sister's Marriage

beautifullife30 · May 21, 2018

hi all,

my sister got married 3 years ago. the guy she is married to ..ie my BIL is a childish immature person (based on what she tells us) and keeps fighting for silly things and gets angry easily.

The guy doesn't contribute a single penny for the household expense. Literally. He has a coaching center of his own where he teaches mathematics to engineering students. What he earns, he keeps. Till date nobody knows how much he earns. His father (i.e. FIL) along with my sister took a home loan so they could buy a house. My sister works in a school and what she earns, she spends for monthly groceries, loan EMI and takes care of the baby's need. She has a 1.5 year old son.

The problem is the guy fights with his parents and my sister if
a) he doesn't like what they are doing
b) feels threatened and gets the inferiority complex
c) if my sister or his parents don't listen to what he is saying
d) if his earning isn't good (though he doesn't divulge the money details, he tells he is in financial stress)

Right from the beginning me/ my husband have been telling her to forgo this alliance (before marriage) or to leave that guy and come (after marriage) whenever she calls us to tell us about a fight. she lives in a different state by the way. All my uncles and aunts live in that state while my family and my mom live together in a different one.

Two months ago, he slapped her and my sister got angry and cried over phone to mom and said she didn't want to live anymore. My mom immediately rushed to that state and along with my uncles and aunts went to her house to bring her back but my sister finally after much drama and huge fight in her house there, refused to come.

One month ago, when that guy twisted her arm, my sister went to my uncle's house saying that she would go back to him on the condition that he take counseling for his anger issues. He went to my uncle's house that same night to get my sister back to his house and pushed my uncle when my uncle questioned him and finally my uncle's neighbor who is a police had to talk to him till 2.00 AM. He finally calmed down and agreed to go for a counseling session.

Both my sister and her husband went for the session and the counselor gave the guy few tablets to get his BP down. Post that session, he neither took the tablets nor is he willing to attend any more sessions.

My sister came to visit us (my mother stays with me) for one week and went back to his house. yesterday again there was a fight between them and she is as usual calling and telling that she is stressed doesn't want to live there until he changes.

Since the last fight, he stopped abusing her physically. He in-turn is abusing himself like beating his own head or something out of her frustration.

Invariably, post every outburst of his, he apologizes to my sister and takes her to movies or park or gifts her something. But it is a short lived phase. The minute his anger riles up, he becomes a verbally abusive person.

The point is the guy isn't willing to change. He doesn't want to take responsibility. My sister calls us after every fight and tells us the story but is not willing to come off from the guy. Every time she calls us she tells that she wants to give him ONE LAST CHANCE. Till now she gave him like 10 chances saying it is one last chance.

I am forced to get involved in all this and I am emotionally getting drained. She is neither willing to come off nor happy there. What does she expect us to do? Every time she calls, my mom stops being normal. My mom keeps crying for my sister and thinking about her so much that she refuses food and is growing weak.

I am just simply frustrated with all this drama. My aunts and uncles who performed her marriage are actually now fully ready to accept her decision of divorce incase she wants one. But my sis is acting crazy like this.

What do I do? My husband gets angry when she does things like this. She isn't making her mind up! I am going crazy with all the fight.

SGBV · May 21, 2018

Stop being crazy or frustrated when someone in the family is in an abusive marriage. Instead, this is the time for you to be bold, strong and receptive enough to listen to what your sister wants.
She might not be in the right frame of mood to tell you what she wants. She is obviously confused.
Like any woman in an abusive marriage for a prolonged time, your sister is also made to accept this fate or believe that this is normal.
This is the cycle of abuse.
She needs help to understand what is normal and what is not. She needs help to realize that there is a beautiful life awaiting for her should she decides to move out.
Also, she needs to be reminded of the fact that she is wasting not only her peaceful life, but also her kids future in that abusive environment.
Such supportive counselling could be given to your sister by yourself, by your mom or any relative at all times. Regardless of her mood, regardless of her problems.

Your BIL has problems. He may not be a bad guy, but he acts really bad due to whatever the reason. Only a therapist can diagnose his problems.
Probably he hasn't been raised well by his parents with good values, probably his genes play much more on this anger issues, probably he is affected deeply, or some physical/psycho social problem. who knows.
But his acts are abnormal. He needs to change.

Basically if he is battling a psychological problem, he will not seek medical help on his own.
Someone needs to help. That too tactfully.
If your sister doesn't have the energy to tactfully and consistently help this guy for the therapy then someone else from his family needs to take an upper hand here.
You may discuss with his parents or siblings on this.
At least for some initial periods, some external force is unavoidable to make the patient seek health assistance properly.
Later on they will understand the need, and take medical services on their own.
Your sister should decide whether she is ready to live with this condition for life.

Understandably your mom is old, and it is hard for a mother to witness all such troubles in her DD's life. So obviously she is broken.
Kindly understand her and be with her.
But don't let your sister know that your mom is broken, and you are going crazy with her problems. This can force her to hide everything from others. That can affect her seriously

For now, her only relief is sharing her troubles with you guys. Don't stress her too much.

For now, give your sister an ear to listen to all her sob stories. Don't judge her, don't sympathize with her. But just try to empathize and advice as to what she should do immediately and in the long run.
If needed, talk to her PILs and family about this problem.
Let her know clearly that you and your family is there to support her.

If she is financially independent, then help her to secure her money for her future
Plan something like a transfer etc, so that she can temporarily stay away from her spouse
Discuss all these options with your sister, and see what suits her.

ashneys · May 21, 2018

Can imagine the emotional stress this causes. N the fact that your sister chooses to give a million chances might just make this whole thing even more stressful. She might have strong feelings for him despite all this. Or still hope he might change. N the truth is, you can't do anything about it.

What can you do ?
Lend a ear to listen n to let her vent.
Make her believe that you are there for her no matter what.
Help her to secure the finances / property.
About mom, Tell your sis to speak to you directly first rather than your mom first, (hope she's really close to you), it might help tone down the effect when she speaks to your mom.

Regarding the husband, ask her to apply for an extended leave n move in with you guys n not return till he completes a course of treatment, like a month or 3 months atleast n a track of him following the medication properly. No giving in n going in between.

Or a condition of him signing a mutual divorce agreement paper, not your sis signing, only him. This is to show him that your sis will surely leave if he starts his episodes again.

Sometimes a strong hand or a black mail can be the only thing that can work with people who has disorders like this.

Looks like he does not like her to be away, so that might be the only thing she can use to her advantage.

Raffaello · May 21, 2018

Find out who his friends or near ones are, within the family or close circle, try talking to the person a d find out what his issues really are..
As said by other friends here, mental issues or psychological problems might be a reason or an abusive childhood would also ...
Don't get perturbed seeing her despair, just help her out.. She really wanna make it work, so try to find the cause instead of blaming the solutions... He needs to change, just go out for some vacation and speak to him in a positive way and make him understand .. If he doesn't want to change tell him he's gonna lose his wife and son . He got to be aloof for the rest of his life ... Blackmailing works if its for a good cause ..

If you can influence her then ask her to go for a dinner or an outing and ask him to open up... Last chance is not so mean, she is in pain so she still wanna heal it, work it out... Let her counsel him, make him talk...

If he is all sane human, he will change or talk about something that's pissing him off.. Not being on his side or supporting him, give a man all chances to get it right, if its not working or worth it get divorce...

You stay positive and supportive, it's just your words and kind word of wisdom advice it would help her deal with the situation .. Just stay with her...

Deborah · May 22, 2018

By now , you must have worked out a pattern in your sister's behavior ( although I don't really blame her ). If your own life is getting affected a lot by this on going drama , you can do 2 things - first , what the ladies above have suggested , lending a patient ear . Second option- tell her with emphasis that there is no need to create a hue and cry every time they have a spat , because in the end , no big actions will be taken by her. Tell her that since they always seem to reconcile after unnecessarily involving the rest of you, it's better for her to sort out the matter on her own. However, let her know that you will be there for her in case she makes up her mind for a solid action. Your BIL won't change but your sister won't leave him either.I am not asking you to distance yourself but to tell her the bitter truth.

UmmWhatNow · May 25, 2018

Look up cycle of abuse. Your sister is stuck in this cycle. She has been beaten down (figuratively) over the years. As frustrating as it is she is a victim. It takes a lot for a victim to fight back and break this cycle. Because he always reels her back in with promise of better tomorrow. Please help her see her situation and understand what is happening to her is common in all abusive relationships. It is such a volatile environment for not only her but her baby too.

You and your family will have to handle this matter practically. But thank you for being there for your sister. A lot of women are forced to stay in abusive marriages due to lack of support. At least she knows there is a safety net to catch her if/when she takes the pluge.