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Need Help To Talk To A Friend Who Underwent Srs

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Anusha2917, Mar 6, 2021.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    "X" has been trying to reach me for quite sometime over messages n calls from December 2020. I have been genuinely busy with my mommy duties. Haven't been able to get back to X other than few messages "hey wassup, been busy, will return your call" etc.
    X has been a part of "college best friends gang " . We are from same group who have had the best college memories.
    X moved to US many many years back and happily settled there (still studying in fact).
    In the usual Whatsapp group X had initiated a video call and l I couldn't be a part of that call. I didn't bother to check with Y and Z (other friends from same gang) about the video call. Thought it must be the usual chit chat call. .
    Y and Z had asked me a couple of times in personal messaging If at all I spoke to X anytime . My vague replies were "no been busy, will get back to X " kind of messages.

    Y gave hint "talk to X, X has been trying to talk to you ". I thought maybe X is finally engaged or settled and hence this "talk to X" is coming up.

    Anyway Y n Z (me Y Z are much closer n have another sub group where X is not a part of) messaged and said looks like you I can never make time at all for X and shared that X underwent a SRS (sex reassignment surgery) .
    In the video call they had X had been particular that until he/she shares it with me, Y and Z are not supposed to tell me. The rest of the chat with Y n Z went like "what, how, why " . But Y n Z finally said that they felt I have been too busy to talk to X and hence they informed me.

    So now I have finally messaged X and apologized for not making time and confirmed I'm doing a video call this weekend n X agreed and was Happy saying "someone is finally making time for Her/him" with a laughing Emoji.

    My questions :
    1) Should I ask X myself about it or wait until X says??
    2) How to make X feel comfortable about it? Want to assure that I'm genuinely happy for the decision. Don't want to make X feel uncomfortable in anyway.
    3) what kind of conversation I can have with X? I don't want to be asking wrong questions about the decision .

    I'm asking this in this forum because when Y n Z told me about it it was vv hard for me to accept it as these things are new to me. One of the close friends changing gender has not been the easiet to accept. I don't wanna end up with wrong conversation asking anything offensive ,rather give an assurance I'm happy.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Do they want to talk specifically about their surgery or is this more of a catch-up call? I guess you cannot ignore the elephant in the room. I would follow your friend’s lead with what they want to reveal. You can ask them what pronouns they would now prefer to be called by, unless your other friends have already told you that.
    Otherwise think that you’re just chatting to your friend and make it clear that they can count on you for support and no judgement. Once you break the ice in the initial conversation you can talk in more depth later.
    When one of my best friends came out as gay a few years after we graduated college his main concern was that we would disapprove and people would stop talking to him. Your friend might also have similar thoughts.
     
    Anusha2917 likes this.
  3. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    This weekend call is going to be me n that friend. I'm not sure if other two friends are joining.
    Plus this friend isn't aware that other friends have shared it with Me .
    Even though it's going to be a normal catch up, I'm sure the friend is going to reveal and hence tried to contact me many times earlier.

    You are right. All the friend needs is acceptance and the other two friends also said the same. The friend is coming out and revealing it those who the friend feels would accept the new her/him.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2021
    MalStrom likes this.
  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    If there is any occasion where "be yourself" is a good and valid advice, this is it.
    If a good friend volunteers a major change in life, the very notion of being, one should/would show curiosity, want to know it all, and ask questions. That is what is expected, and that is what one should offer.
    Pussy-footing around the issue would be so demoralizing for the friend who wants to open up and tell.
    May I? BE YOURSELF.
     
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  5. Flyhigher

    Flyhigher Silver IL'ite

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    I suggest to wait till your friend break the news with you. Start the conversation normally.

    If your friend breaks the news tell your friend congrats on finding part of his/her identity, or thank your friend for trusting and sharing with you. Call your friend what he/she wants to be called and treat like how he/she wants to be treated, and the awkwardness will go away after a while. It will be difficult for you at first, but not nearly as difficult as it is for your friend.

    Since this person is your long time friend, you can be completely open. Accept that there will be a period of adjustment. During the transition process they will go through the counselling on assistance with how to speak with others regarding this so it’s ok to ask the questions but don’t entirely depend on your friend to educate you and don't be rude when you ask. Get educated prior a little, it will bring you and your friend closer.

    Treat your friend the same as before like nothing has changed really between you two. Let your friend know that you are always there to talk. That’s a huge part of helping someone. Each of us are different, but overall we just want someone to be on our side.

    Best of luck.
     
    blindpup10 and Anusha2917 like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Lots of good suggestions have poured in.

    I feel the trickier thing is going to be that you have to feign surprise.

    A subset of a larger group being closer to each other is quite common. Happens in my whatsapp groups. I know some of them are closer to each other than to me. I also know that the "life's vicissitudes" stuff I tell in a 1-1 chat to Person1 can get conveyed to Person2 and Person3 in 1-1 chats. : ) I am fine with that. It is actually good that Person2 and Person3 realize my life is not as charmed as it can seem. : )

    But in case of big news like X's news, and when explicit instructions were issued to not share, lots of care should be taken so X does not end up feeling bad.
     
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  7. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for the reply Fly higher and Hopi.

    The conversation happened in the most normal way and I am happy it happened..
    .
    Since I knew it I could polish my reaction. The friend was very happy to share and was extremely happy with my reaction .
    It was as normal as it could get. Though I wasn't prepared what to talk I thought will just go with the flow.
     
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  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    I am actually interested in the $$ cost of it all. America is not a cheap place to have any major surgery. Even to save a life, let alone transform one.
    I hope the OP finds out about it and posts the details of how it was done, and at what cost.
     
  9. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes if was tricky but I balanced being "not too surprised or like I was aware of everything " there was no show of any other extreme reaction .
     
  10. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    I'm curious too.. But then it's too personal to ask or discuss now.

    When the time is right sure the friend will share the details..
     

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