need help on convincing parents for intercaste marriage - urgent

The first line of your post is the only 1 in your entire post that I agree with. The rest I vehemently disagree. It seems you think a child should live the rest of his/her life as a slave to the parent, never to make his/her own adult decisions. The parents are clearly in the wrong here. If they want to threaten suicide, that is their own manipulative behavior. I doubt they are sincere enough to kill themselves over their daughter's adult decision to marry the man that she loves. If they actually do such a thing (highly unlikely), she should not be blamed for it. It's her life to control and follow her heart as she sees fit. This stupid Indian system of inappropriately controlling adult children with manipulation and threats has gone on too long. It sickens me.

The only thing I do agree with is that the OP's misery is her own doing. She can easily choose the courageous path and marry the person she loves. Instead she will choose the cowardly path of not standing up for her rights as a grown woman... hurting herself and her lover in the process. (There is no hurting of the parents and brother, as that is their own ridiculous attitude if they choose to be hurt for no reason. They have no right to control their adult daughter in the first place, as it is her wish whom she chooses to marry. A parents can only lovingly guide his/her child, but ultimately the grown-up son or daughter must make his/her own decisions about how to conduct life. This is the way a parent should be. The parents' threats of suicide are nothing more than the worst kind of manipulation and disrespect to their own daughter. Obviously they have little regards for her if they cannot accept her decision of who she will marry.)

Anyway, it seems the OP has already made a decision, so I don't see much point in wasting too many more words here.

 

Proceed with the marriage only if you can convince your parents. The convincing part is in your hands only and you have to stand up for yourself. Is caste the only thing they object or are they also worried about status an other things also?? talk with them regarding this and if caste is the only thing, then tell your parents that If you are going to have problems in your married life, then its not the relatives or village people going to bear it. Its you and your parents who has to handle. People talk about anything and everything and they just do that.

They can only talk about other people but it is you who has to face the consequences. Suppose if your parents accept but do your marriage half heartedly thinking what will the relatives say, then its like asking the people to judge you. If your parents say that, Its my daughters wish and we are happy that she will be happy in life, then no one will speak another word. Only if your parents lament about your behaviour, then it will be oil to the fire already burning.

Mine is an intercaste love marriage and once I said about my hubby, everyone in family and relatives pounced on me saying what will be your dad's reputation, will the villagers not respect your dad etc.. But one my dad came to know that I'm very clear in my decision, he told everyone that "Its her life and she has the right to choose her life. I stand by her decision and happily marry her to the person she loves." After this no one lamented about this and everyone did their part for the marriage. It was a happy occasion.

But all this depends on how well they accept your choice. Only then they can confidently talk to others regarding your marriage. All the best and dont decide anything in a hurry..

 

Hi rkk1,
I agree with the fact that her parents are definitely in the wrong. However, it will be difficult, if not impossible to change their line of thinking and mindset. Given the fact that they are stepped up in traditional beliefs, etc, and are of the opinion that they know best. They may not be the best parents, or rather not the type of parents most of us prefer to have! They may have their own ego issues, but remember that they love their daughter and vice versa. Ultimately, it will be the OP, not you or me who is going to be affected. The guilt of not being on talking terms with her parents will haunt her life long. I just wanted to point out the consequences to OP, based on what she has told about her parents. And I will be really very happy if they do not come true

 

Ok, I see. I'm glad that they aren't outright saying that they will commit suicide, as you had mentioned in your original post about that. However, what you have written above (which I bolded) is still indirectly manipulative. They are acting sad and saying that they cannot live like this, but telling you to live your life happily. This is being said to make you feel guilty, as they know you love them and care for their feelings, and it will prevent you from going forwards. The problem is that by worrying about what society thinks, they end up spoiling YOUR life in the process. That really isn't fair.

I don't really understand why marrying someone from a different caste will affect their respect. Is it some kind of shame to marry someone from a different caste, if you love that person sincerely? What crime have you done to feel shame for? Rather than having less respect for someone, I only have more respect that for people who were willing to put aside social concerns and follow their hearts. Doing the right thing takes courage. If anyone asks your parents why you would marry someone from a different caste, I wish that your parents would not feel disrespected. Instead they might think "Well, our daughter felt strongly that this was the right partner for her. As long as he treats her with kindness and decency, then we will respect her choice of husband."

Obviously the guy has to be worth fighting for, otherwise if you only know him on a superficial level, it is not worth creating issues with family over. You will ultimately have to bear the consequences of whatever partner you have in your life, as his nature will dictate a large part of your life... whether he is a loving guy or a chauvinistic uncaring type after marriage. But only you can know what kind of guy he really is or not.

 

rkk1, I have a question...have you ever been to a village like the one OP describes?

 

You are 25, think you are still not matured and easily float with correct/infactuation verbs. imagine your like after 10 to 15 yeas. think your villagers and relatives. If you are from city, i would advise you for inster-cast. My own uncle deserted his son because he maried to same caste girl (against his wishes).

Did you ever talk to different guy and compare between them ( just try at once). this is life, you cant take chances. you are married, you are set for life.
good luck on your decision.

 

Do you know about society, relatives, friends and villages. if you ever know about village where you know each and every street, sheep, person and living things.
marriage is not just about boy and girl and do you know why we invite lots of people?

 

Did you talk to your parents that even if you ready to marry the person of there choice,you would like to disclose your love and you don't want to lead double life by not disclosing it.you need to tell them about that.

I think even these days all the people are aware of love marraiges.I know it's hard for your parents to udnerstand.Weather it's city or village people are read to ill talk about others.That's depends on your parents boldness.

If you are 100% sure you are going to have good life with your BF(you never know) and also with his parents probably you can wait couple years to negotiate with your parents.
Tell them that you won't marry any person at the same time you don't marry your BF without there permission.
Typically parenst will presurise to there maximum extend.At the same time you will also get to know different dimentsions of life.Don't run somewhere and marry.And see how far your guy will stand up with you on this jouuney.

 

Say, if you breakup with this person, what are your prospects? Will you get a better husband in your community? Better educated, better earning, broad minded?

I've seen a huge tragedy with one of my very good friend. She was with me in engineering college, she had a boyfriend who loved her and wanted to marry her. Same story, parents refused, said not outside our cast. She dumped him and married a guy of her parents choice, who was B.Com. pass. That was the highest educated person they could find for her. And it was not even about the education. He turned out to be a fiend. Abused her, beat her, returned her tattered to her parents. She divorced him later and is married again now, with a man from different caste and is happy now.

In short, parents are NOT always right. Be very very selfish and practical when it comes to your life, particularly marriage. Your parents must have started hunting a groom for you. How are your options? Think think and think. Then only decide. And please don't get emotionally blackmailed by anyone.