1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

need help on convincing parents for intercaste marriage - urgent

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by reader123, Sep 23, 2012.

  1. reader123

    reader123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear all,

    Myself and a guy working with me are in love with each other for 2 years. We are well educated and got a decent job. I'm from a village in tamilnadu, whereas he is from a moderate town. Though we both are hindus, we are of different caste. My parents have a good status in my village n caste, so they are afraid of villagers and relatives speech and wants me to forget him n marry a guy of their choice or to marry my love and leave them forever. I'm not able to chose either of these since I love both my parents and the guy so much.

    Being lived in the village till my school days, I know how hard it would be for my parents to face my villagers and caste ppl if they get to know about my love matter :(. But I sincerely love this guy, I cant imagine or keep anyone else in his place. It will be hell for me to do so. But leaving my parents is impossible bcoz they showered so much of love on me and did lot of sacrifices for my good status now. As a helpless 25 yr old girl, I'm praying lord siva to do some miracle in my life to make my villagers n parents understand me (though it may sound silly for somebody, it is the only way I can see now). Please advise/pray for me.

    Sorry for the long post !!!

    Thanks.
     
    Loading...

  2. RoseLady

    RoseLady Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    A close friend of mine, had same issues like you. But the couple could not separate and finally had their marriage. Now they are really happy and their parents took two years to talk to them.Its really good to marriage the person whom you love, and your parents would finally calm dowm atleast after sometime. Its common for the relatives to oppose, but now a days many people are doing love marriages.
    You can give some examples whom to know that they had love marriages and lead good life.Its your marriage and your life take right decision and don't think about your relatives.
     
  3. rkk1

    rkk1 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    276
    Likes Received:
    478
    Trophy Points:
    125
    Gender:
    Female
    You can't create the life you want for yourself if you continue to think of yourself as 'helpless'. You are not helpless. You have all the power in your hands to make a decision. Marriage should not be something for kids to get into. If you are mature enough to get married, then you should also be mature enough to make decisions on how to conduct your life. I know you care for your parents' feelings, but decisions of whom to marry are YOURS, not your parents. If you feel certain that this guy is best for you, then do the right thing and marry him. Should you break his heart just because you care about your parents' status? Does his feelings not matter?

    You seem to be still mentally a child. Being an adult means to be able to take responsibility for your own actions in life. Your parents can only guide you based on their experiences, but ultimately the responsibility for the happiness or misery in your life rests on your shoulders. They might be unhappy for some time worrying about caste status etc, but in the long run they may come to accept of your relationship, especially if your partner shows himself to be a loving, trustworthy guy who genuinely cares for you and your family. If he is the same controlling type who wants to put you into a submissive role as many women here, I wouldn't waste my energies on a man like that. So you have to decide whether he is really someone worth fighting for or not, based on whether he has the good qualities to be a loving husband to you.

    My husband previously had a girlfriend (about 5 years before meeting me) who he was serious for, and she was serious about him too. Her parents didn't want her to marry him simply due to caste issues (though his parents' didn't care about caste and were accepting of marriage). She used to pray to God to get married to him, but wasn't willing to stand up to her parents. So they parted ways, with big heartbreak on both sides. I know my husband loved her most sincerely and would have been a wonderful husband to her. But she was too immature to stand up, so she sacrificed her own happiness for her parents' sake. Her loss. Another woman's gain.
     
    15 people like this.
  4. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    593
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Rrk1, so proud of you to be honest and talk about your husband's past. Have a wonderful life.
     
    2 people like this.
  5. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,421
    Likes Received:
    3,179
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    it will take a few yrs for them to reconcile. just follow ur mind it will be good.
     
  6. AariShrinivas

    AariShrinivas New IL'ite

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi rkk1

    But she was too immature to stand up, so she sacrificed her own happiness for her parents' sake.

    Really proud of your honest reply :)


    I really liked your last words - "Her loss. Another woman's gain."

    :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap
     
    2 people like this.
  7. reader123

    reader123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear all,

    Hearty thanks to everyone who cares for me. I must not be a gounder or atleast from a city to take bold decision:( mine is a very small village, my parents are so emotional that they might end their lives (without blackmailing me now) if I go out and marry him. someone might understand my situation better knowing tat I belong to Kongu vellala gounder family. He is too good and worth of fighting for him. But he has good respect for my parents and so he says we'll part as it will cause hurt to only 2 persons but if we join, it will hurt 3 ppl (my parents and my brother, who is unmarried). I know very well abt my parents n brother, they wont talk to me forever if I go out of home. I'm not able to convince them - only reply is it may be suitable for any other caste/city ppl, but not for us. I can very well understand their position, so not angry on them. Before 2 yrs, me n him thought things ll change in 2 yrs, but its still the same :( We 2 are parting with so much pain :( :(
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2012
  8. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,480
    Likes Received:
    2,511
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    reader

    Things are changing rapidly, and as of now, even in villages(where that particular caste is found), people have started to accept love marriages within and sometimes outside the caste.

    So what may be perceived as a huge societal outcry may ease off within a year or two, if not months.

    So, wait and proceed.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. raji2678

    raji2678 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,624
    Likes Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel that the mistake is solely yours. You knew your parents since birth..their nature and expectations and caste consciousness. So, you should have steered clear of all this love affair, and waited for a suitable time for your parents to fix a match with a nice boy.Is it really worth hurting parents for someone who came to your life briefly?
    And who knows how will life be postmarriage? Assuming that you have the best hubby and inlaws, there may be ocassions when their relatives will ask about your parents. Your inlaws will say..poor girl she left her parents for our son. Still her parents are so egoistic and do not talk to her..How will that make you feel?

    seeing other guys being pampered by their in-laws, how will your hubby feel to be sidelined by your parents and brother?
    Suppose you have a few issues with your hubby or inlaws, you may feel that it would have been better to listen to your parents.There will be a lot of ocassions when you will miss your family. For example, let us assume that there is a function in your inlaw's house, and the house is filled with relatives. You will really feel sad not to have your parents there. Once you are pregnant and have a baby, you will miss your mom most.

    On the other hand, you want a change and would like to go to your village and home, the place you grew up in and spent the best years of childhood..you just cannot. This dejection will ultimately affect your married life.
    If you choose to marry him, there will be another problem for the girls in your village their parents may not allow them to pursue higher education and work citing your example - they will say:
    "So and so's daughter ran away (villagers love to gossip and will not mince words or worry how much others are hurt) just because her parents gave her so much of freedom, we will not allow that to happen with our daughter". Thus the girls in your village may not be able to pursue higher education / work and are likely to be married off early

    Remember that it is your parents who will be facing the barbs of the villagers. There are chances that your brother's marriage prospects are affected. I am saying this, based on the nature of facts you gave me of the thought process of people in your village.

    On the other hand, if u forget this guy, I am sure that your parents will find a compatible match in all respects like eduation, finance, family aspects, food habits and of course caste! Other villagers will say to their daughters: Look at so and so's daughter : she has done so well, holding a good job and listens to her parents! I want you also to become like her.

    Remember that things are not as they seem to be now. Please go through the threads..esepcially on people who have done love marriage..the guy turns out to be totally different after marriage. Every marriage has its own share of ups and downs..but the guilt feeling that your parents are hurt will be life long.

    In a nutshell, this is my advice..try to convince your parents..see what other objections they have. If they still do not budge, forget this guy. All the best.
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. insha

    insha Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    771
    Likes Received:
    734
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes,i support your decision because if now at this stage you think you cannot handle the pressure,you will never be able to undergo the stress even in future.And most likely there will be lot more issues in future.Iam happy your guy is matured enough to say Yes lets part ways...By breaking up you are doing a big favour for both of you and your respective parents.So dont worry and just go with the flow of your destiny...All the best!
     

Share This Page