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Need Help in solving marriage problem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by laamadhura, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. laamadhura

    laamadhura New IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,

    I Do not know where to start.
    I have a friend.Though she is not very fair complexioned or good looking she is a best fit person to lead family life.She is very caring and manages all her official and house hold chores very efficiently.
    To brief about her marriage her DH is 37 now and he is ten years older than her.Theirs was a love marriage.As people say Love is blind she decided to marry him inspite of every one telling her not to do so.That person is like an island.He had been married to a girl 10 years before.He told my friend that he had divorced her.But now he says he has not done so.
    They have a 8 month baby now.Before the baby was born he was quite a bit normal.But now he always tries to ignore her.Maximum goes for night shifts,some nights if he is with her also pretends to sleep before she comes.
    She came to know through some other reliable source that the other lady comes home when she is not there.Since their kid's birth they were not in bed even once.But she has no proof for his activities and he is not ready to talk about anything to her.He just tries to escape.
    My friend is now worrying very much.I am in a very confused state that i can't help her in any ways.Moreover she is about 20 hrs distance away from me.She is crying through phone daily...Donno what to do?Please help......
    She is afraid of her DS future.Will her marriage be invalid if he had not divorced the old one?But For God's sake they have registered the marriage.Please tell us how to proceed further...
    Thanks in advance,
    Madhu.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2010
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  2. shruthi10

    shruthi10 New IL'ite

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    Re: Need Help in Intimacy

    If she is sure that he is back with that woman, can she hire a private eye to get some answers? I dont see how else she can find out since his lips are sealed...

    If she has legally registered the marriage Im not sure what problems she cld face...how cld he marry again if he did not divorce the first wife...
     
  3. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Need Help in Intimacy

    How did your friend come to know about her husband's ex-wife coming to her house? Your friend needs to confront him directly. If he married her without taking divorce first, then it's cheating problem and he is in lot of trouble if your friend reports to authorities. To answer your question, if he did not take divorce and married your friend, then Yes, their marriage is not valid. If your friends marriage is registered, then it's good for your friend as she can has solid proof to prove his cheating if needed.
    In any case your friend needs to resolve this issue talking to her husband and involving the family.
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Need Help in Intimacy

    More then intimacy ,first she need to resolve the other things.She might have done mistake but she needs to correct the mistake now.She should have done verify the things even before the marraige itself.It's not too late ,she needs to take control of her life and verify the things with her husband.If she goes to her family they never say NO to give her support.
     
  5. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Need Help in Intimacy

    If they have registered their marriage, then it could be used as evidence that he cheated her.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Need Help in Intimacy

    Visu had asked the right on question!!!

    How did your friend come to know that he is not divorced yet? Did he say anything about registering the old marriage also? in either case I think he is in trouble!

    Marrying another woman when he is still married to the first wife is a crime. He registering the marriage i.e the one he had with your friend had made him fall into more trouble provided if your friend can show the proof that he is still married to the first wife.

    However , all this apart did she confront her husband on this? what is his take on all this? is he interested in this marriage with your friend? Intimacy problems are observed after a baby is born, however if the marriage itself is in jeopardy, your friend has to ask herself how does she want to go about all this?
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  7. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Need Help in Intimacy

    Forget intimacy, ask her to work on their relationship first - trust, communication etc...

    was she legally married in the first place. Think abt the other lady too. What if, she was cheated by your friend in the first place, her marriage might have been broken by some woman yeah?
     
  8. kumudh

    kumudh New IL'ite

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    Re: Need Help in Intimacy

    Ladies..

    Not much info on 1st marriage.. divorced or not until huby comes forward with more info.. Right now, this poor girl is with baby of him. She need to think of her future before his future etc.... First.. she can contact his parents & find out what out what's going on.. & get some sort of support. No parent can tolerate cheating with two wives.. that will give her some info as well whether 1st is properly divorced or not... First with the parents help, this can bring about her life back to some order or do things at-least now to make it proper.. Next if parents is not of help, then warn this husband guy directly that she will report this to authorities & matter will be messier for him (2nd marriage without dissolving 1st is straight jail time) plus expenses for him. If he comes around, vomit everything & be nice and kind with this girl, it should be fine.. let us hope this be the case.. if he is not cooperating, then she need to report this & let the law take it course.. but it will be rough time for her... hope she has a job & strong to face future..
     
  9. pshanti1986

    pshanti1986 New IL'ite

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    hi,
    One thing is for sure. she has been cheated and exploited by a lying husband. To correct things, she needs to first ask for the divorce papers of the 1st marriage. After seeing them only she can proceed with her marital life. My guess is he will not show the divorce papers as he may not have divorced the 1st wife.
    So in that case whether marriage is registered or not, it is not recognised by law. So she then needs to make a formal complaint with the police, who will then proceed further. she also needs to engage a lawyer and proceed accordingly. She would then be eligible for financial support for her child. She would benefit if she moves to her parents place and enlists their support during this stressful period.
     
  10. laamadhura

    laamadhura New IL'ite

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    First of all Thanks you all for your immediate responses.
    To make the Scene clearer it was through intimacy she first identified his difference.
    The first wife seems to be his distant relative. When my friend was back to Chennai for her delivery it was her mother in law who told her that the old wife had been cheated by her lover and she s now back with her mother. She came to my friend’s house in her absence and wept a lot it seems and she regretted a lot for leaving such a nice person and going behind that idiot. After she left her husband was feeling very much for her.
    So my friend’s mil alerted her to be very careful with that lady. To brief about her family support both her mom and her mil are widows and are very innocent by nature. So she cannot rely on their support as well. Her husband usually dominates them.
    When she was back home from her mom’s place she found her DH very abnormal and trying to ignore her by all means. This increased her doubt. Later one of her colleague who lives near to her residence told her that a lady comes to her house after she leaves to office.
    And about the divorce of the first marriage she asked him and he does not answer properly. Before marriage he told her that he had divorced her but now he is making fun and asking her whether she is afraid that her marriage is valid or not.
    And Nandhu,
    It was the reverse he was in full love wit her but she betrayed him and went away wit her past lover.
    Even at the time of registration also he played a lot of tricks.Before her mom and brother accepted for the marriage,he took her silently and did the registration.Even we friends came to know about this later.We gave her nice blast for all these.But later we were like OK kind of thing that they were happy after marriage.but now all n vain.
    Now coming back to our case this poor one is now very nervous. she does not want to divorce him and all. Basically she is very soft natured and tender hearted and does not have the guts to confront him straight away. And also she is afraid that whether he will leave her away permanently. She is cent percent willing to live with him only but does not know what to do…………
    Lots of thanks,
    Madhu.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010

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