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Need Help In Managing Short Tempered And Highly Irritable Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Needtobestrong, Sep 26, 2021.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I am going through a very rough patch in my marriage.
    Ever since the pandemic started, our married life has taken turn for the worse.
    He is generally a moody and impatient kind of guy. once upon a time he was good to me but not now..

    1. Offices closed due to pandemic and staying indoors..he used to love talking to colleagues and office life and going on breaks, team dinners, team lunches, professional networking etc. The pandemic has taken this away and he gets irritated staying indoors.
    2. In laws long duration stay..they stay mostly with us and occasionally in native. Their requirements, expectations etc make him irritated and he shows on me.
    3. He has this idea that since im a homemaker im useless and lazy etc,. he always taunts me for not being in a well paying job..i did get an interview call and job offer but due to some reason it dint finalize..im trying and ready to take on any kind of part time paid or unpaid work but he is not supportive and doesnt feel im capable of anything. Criticises my cooking and makes unwanted comments on my food or my household work.
    even when i make genuine effort to do certification or job application he acts like he doesnt care..ive lost confidence in myself..
    4. Home makers in my family circle are enjoying life by keeping 2 maids, i.e morning and evening...cook..driver etc..
    i need a maid atleast part time vaccinated maid ..(im in India)..he taunts saying why i need maid and am i so lazy that i cant do chores myself.
    if i ask him for small help like arranging small items, washing few vessels, cooking one dish either sabji or dal when unwell, he gets so pissed off and does with anger...earlier some years back he wasnt like that..we had a maid for cleaning work and chapathis and he wasnt so aggressive if i asked for help.
    even small help in looking after kids he doesn't want to do..
    if he does the help he does grudgingly and with complaint.
    I bought a few household gadgets during lockdown so i can get relief as maids were stopped...he became so aggressive and yelled at me for wasting money..i had infact saved money because the money that we would have paid to maid during lockdown periods was much more than what i spent on household gadgets.
    Even when my tentative job offer was there he said i should do all office work and household chores on my own with no maids and if i cant manage i shouldnt take job..but i didnt get that job.
    some years back when i was working he had no problem with me keeping maid or cook..why is he like this now i dont know..
    5. He gets pissed off or small things and yells..like a small item kept here and there ..water spilt in kitchen while cooking..some days my dress would get soiled while doing cleaning work like dusting shelves etc and i would change and that also irritates him and he taunts me as to why im adding so much to laundry.
    6. Sleeps and wakes up as he wishes and slightest disturbance to his sleep by me irritates him..even if i get up early morning and finish cooking before he gets up still he has a problem with the coffee i make.
    7. work related stress is there for him and i dont trouble him unnecessarily ,i do my work and mind my business.. he is the one who makes a small thing an issue..
    8. Nitpicking throughout the day..even if im having a casual phone conversation with friend or relative he shows contemptuous kind of look..the way i arrange groceries, the fine layer of dust on a shelf, the way load laundry in washing machine everything irritate him.

    I feel so damn envious when i see how other home makers my age are being treated like queen by their husbands..full freedom to buy what they want, freedom to keep 2 maids, full time maids, cooks, order outside food and designer clothes as they like. Why im treated like maid servant is it my fault i cannot get a well paying job and earn big money..
    if im financially independent i would have boldly walked out on this guy and left him.
    1. Ladies, i noticed ever since pandemic started he has become worst kind of person..
    Does the pandemic cause this..
    2.If normal life resumes and he gets to go to office and work as earlier will it help..and socialize with friends will it change his personality..
    3. Im surprised that a guy who was a reasonable and somewhat supportive has changed gradually into an MCP over past 1.5 years..

    . In general, how to handle an extremely short tempered person , for my own peace of mind?Till things get better..want to save my marraige..he wasnt this bad earlier..since 2019 end or so just before pandemic started his personality changed.

    Please dont advice me to leave him or separate from him or to go and stay in parents home etc..Till the time im financially independant i am not ready to take any drastic step.
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    The issue is not with you. Its his problem. He is angry at himself. I will reply later, but have your ever communicated your concerns to him that you cant live like this and this is unacceptable. Did he ever faced any consequences for his bad behavior.How old are your kids.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2021
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Good that you are clear about this. Mental energy is not wasted on investigating options that you are not ready for.

    With in-laws at home, having a few frank conversations with him around the topic is ruled out, I guess.

    Maybe this will help: When he makes a comment you don't like, do not react, keep your tone calm, and say something like: "Maybe you are right <pause> but, <pause>, do not talk to me like that." And walk away. If he calls out something after you, turn around, look him in the eye, and repeat the entire sentence calmly.

    The "maybe you are right" will in one shot acknowledge what he said yet you are not responding to it. Instead, you are simply asserting your dignity and saying "No matter what, I will not be spoken to like that."

    It depends on the dynamics of your household. But often, quietly repeating, "do not talk to me like that." will make the other person's shouting or nasty comments to stand out.
     
  4. traveldream

    traveldream Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Needtobestrong,

    I felt a strong need to respond as I could identify with many aspects of your problems.

    Firstly hugs to you. I know thinking about the problems can result in overwhelming emotions.
    Don't loose heart. The mantra I kept repeating to myself during some tough times is "This too shall pass".

    About your husband, I have no suggestions as being a short tempered person is a flaw in him. Though you are affected by it, unless he changes himself there is not much you can do about it, other than develop a thick skin.

    Don't take his outbursts to heart. Really try to respond as Rihana has suggested above and don't engage in escalating arguments.

    However, I feel the one option I can think of is , try to think after removing all the emotional clutter and think through your issues. If possible go for a short visit to your parents (though u may not share ur problems ....the distance may give you a breathing space to evaluate ur issues.)

    Also About looking for a job, see if you can find out abt some work from options with companies like , Lionbridge, Appen, Leap force, etc. Though the amt you can earn for a couple of hours of work will be not be high, it may provide you with a distraction and give you a starting point.

    Also if going to your parents is not possible, try to go for a walk with a neighbour / friend, though you need not share ur problems, having a person (outside ur family) to talk to , will improve your mood and help deal with the emotional abuse ur going through.

    Remember, we can only be hurt by people to whom we give the power to ...by acting the way he has , ur DH has created the issues in ur relationship.. It cannot be only u who can fix this. He also needs to meet u half way, until he realises and starts acting on it, take care of urself . Put yourself first.

    Do meditation, listen to some good motivating videos on YT, by Sadhguru, simon sinek, etc.

    And Remember, though its sounds like a platitude, this is too shall pass.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2021
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  5. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    He wont change. So you need to change the ways you live and respond to his emotional abuses. I feel your pain. I guess more or less almost all of us deal with this patriarchy bullsh$!t that women should handle kids, her career , home ,cooking everything. Men feel like they did big favour by "helping" you when you ask.

    Anyways, please boost your morale. You are in a better position you know why? No, I am not going to compare you and your issues with other women's issues here. Because, each of us are dealing with our demons in our own capacilities which cannot be measured less or more by others judgement based only on virtual presentation of a problem at surface level.

    Here's what I would like to advice you....

    1) when you know your husband gives only negative vibes.... Stay away. No not physically... But mentally accept this fact that you cannot expect anything from him. You can build an invisible shield of positive aura around you that wont get affected by his negtaivity.
    It is definitely easier said than done. But keep practising. You will be surprized at how you are yourself sufficient and a complete woman whose worth is known to you, your God and your soul. Dont let any 3rd person be it husband or inlaws or even parents to judge your worth.

    2) as Rihana rightly said, start asserting ...it is not easy let me tell you this. I am not a short tempered woman but I did lose my cool in initi days of my marriage because my inlaws were bloody.....(fill in your imagination). I know that I should not react to their bullcrap but at that moment when they talk such cheap...I lose it!. But slowly I understood the power of assertion. Its hard to not react but again, keep practising! Look sternly in his eyes straight but be very calm n just say "Do not talk to me like this again". Keep repeating this irrespective of what he says or blabbers
     
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  6. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    3) do only what is in your tolerable limits without breaking your back ( I mean about cooking, cleaning etc. You are not his maid or caretaker of his babies!).
    If he complains, be calm and assert that you can only do this much. He cna do the rest or hire a maid if he wants.
    If he calls you lazy, its ok smile and say that if he thinks so, so be it but this is what you can do.

    Side note - once you get a job, ensure you dont put money into joint account or give to him. Open separate account for you and deposit in it. Give only part of Salary to him. Never tell actual real salary numbers. And save some money to hire maid/helper if required.
    You don't need to ask his permission to hire. Tell him if he cant share the chores with you, least is to hire a maid/helper.

    4) Focus on yourself. Work on getting a job but more than that work on rebuilding your self confidence and keep reminding yourself how worthy you are.

    Goodluck
     
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  7. maalti

    maalti Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Needtobestrong,

    In todays’ pandemic and WFH circumstances, all of us are put to lot of work pressure. If we are required to work from office, we can take many short breaks like having coffee, chatting with colleagues in between, taking break for lunch etc. The working hours will also be limited. We may be required to work for 8 to 9 hours a day and after coming home, we can relax for some time and attend to our family. But there is no specified time in the WFH. Some of us don’t get time even to come out and eat. One of our relative’s sons is in IT Sector. His mom prepares his breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner also and serves him in the room from where is working. Sometimes, his wife feeds him food with a spoon. Not only him, most of us who WFH face the same problem. Phone calls keep coming and when he comes out after finishing all his works, his eyes would be red, and he would always complain of a severe headache. Even if his three-year-old kid comes to him, he gets irritated and used to shout at his wife to take the child away. Some even think of quitting the job because of this severe work pressure but unable to do so since there is a severe job insecurity. If we are not able to deliver, we will be fired. The thought of losing one’s job is enough to create panic. That might be the reason for his indifference towards you and not letting you to spend money. I am sure his attitude would change once the pandemic is over and he returns to his office.

    So, my suggestion is that you can wait for some more time. Further, you can also have a heart-to-heart talk with him and make him understand how much you care for him. You may also think of getting into his shoes and analyze his problems. In these days of pandemic, it will be very difficult for you too to get a job. If the same attitude continues even after normalcy returns, you can always think of going in for a separation.
     
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  8. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Op,
    Most of the wfh people are under high pressure. Agree 100% with the above poster. I have also seen people who work like without able to eat food on time and many a times skipping food. It is very hard for an outsider to understand their pressure.

    Your husband is transferring his mental pressure onto you. Your in laws are also staying with you since a long time, thats also an added pressure. You can try to avoid him as much as possible. Just think that he is not there and go about with your houseworks. Dont wake up early to do the housework. Wake up when everyone is getting up. Let them see with their eyes how much work you have to do in a day. Take help from your inlaws for small works like making tea coffee. Its a matter of 2 3 months n everything will be back to normal.
     
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  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I am very grateful to all of you for replying.
    Sorry couldnt reply individually as i was busy and i dont want my H to know about my IL posts and activities in case he snoops around.
    I realize what pressure he has on him. I really dont go in his way and I have enough tasks of my own to be occupied.
    I feel there maybe some relief when things start becoming normal.
    Will try to stay cool, he wasnt this bad before the pandemic and I hope he becomes the person that he was earlier.
    In the meantime using different strategies to keep calm and cool and not get provoked when he behaves like a jerk.
    I too have become a cranky and insecure person. Hoping for some good luck in getting a good job.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    We don't have any control on what life throw at us, but we can control how we respond to the situation.
    You have already noticed (1) and (2) as possible reasons for his change in behavior. He may be not able to manage his own life or thoughts. But, his inability to cop with the new situation is not an excuses to emotionally torture you.

    There are many options. But, you need to realize that if he is angry, its his problem, it not about you. So, you can learn to stay cool and detached to his tantrums. I know its not easy. Don't give the reaction he is looking for. He do this often because you never defined the boundary on what you cant take.

    Different options

    * stay aloof. Just look at him. Don't give any reaction or act deaf.

    * respond positively but disagree. ( yeah, you are right, I also want to clean. But this is all I can do/ Can you do that or can you help me with that/ We should hire a maid. May be you can do a better job. When can you help me with it etc...Find combinations that work. Give the ball back to his court.

    * if he complain that you are lazy then learn to smile. Yeah. You can think whatever way you want. Or yeah thanks reminding me, I need a break and going to take some rest. You consider me as lazy let me confirm it

    * if he yells at you.
    Take a deep breath , relax and be neutral then look at this face, say can you stop it. If you cant talk normally, don't talk to me. Or say, I understand what you are saying, but... don't talk to me like that. When you assert... Be calm, talk minimum and walk away without waiting for any response.

    * when he complain about a particular job, yeah... Can you do that, I am busy with...give a reason.

    * I feel that he is unaware of how much you do or don't appreciate it. If you are not feeling well, take rest, let him manage. Give a break to appreciate your contributions.

    They are visual. Schedule your life. Plan it well. Do house hold jobs when he can see it. Rest of the time, spend time for you. If I were your place, I wont spend full day in kitchen. We have to be smart to manage these people. They treat you this way because you allow them to do that. If you say NO and learn to ignore their reactions or comments, what's going to happen? nothing.

    * involve your in-laws in house hold jobs if possible. Ask like, can you help me with this. While I do..
    Involve kids in household chores. If they are at least in elementary school, ask them to do chores. For example, mom need your help can you take your plate to sink, can you help me clean/wipe the dining table..

    * I feel that your unhappiness arise also from comparison with others also . May be others have more maids or happy life from outside. But they will have their own problems. So learn to be happy with what you have.

    * self love- learn to take care of yourself. Every day, spend at least half an hour as " me time'

    * be empathetic your dh, as he is otherwise a good person. You can convey( only when he is approachable ),...I don't know what's going on. May be you should check your BP or do blood work, not sure what happened, you were such a sweet ( find better person) person. I am missing those days... Express your love through touch or whatever way he likes.
    * It unfair that, Indian women have to tolerate this patriarchal b******t. Sometimes, husbands behave like toddlers. If you can look at him like that may be you will be able to smile.

    * by the end of every thing, you are the only person you got. So love, pamper yourself. Have a life of your own with hobbies, friends and entertainments( learn to ignore any of his comments on it, don't allow him to control your life). So focus on job search and help yourself. There are many self help videos in YouTube and information in websites

    * you are a good person with lot of patience. But these people are so ignorant of your value and virtue. Bad luck. I am sure they realize it one day . Be who you are and learn to be insensitive to unnecessary comments by others. You know who you are and what you are doing. You don't have to prove it. Let them think what they want. Its not in your control. So be happy, this shall also pass. I guess your life will be back on track once PILs leave and your dh go back to office. But learn now how to manage by the above approaches. Good luck with your job search.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2021
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