need help feelng as if m depressed awful relationship with in laws and husband

avni23 · Sep 11, 2012

hi frnds
i have been married for the last 1.5 years and initially the things went on very well as i never responded back to any of the things said by my in-laws ,its not that now i have become outspoken but i have no feelings for them now.
reason being that i knew since the very begining that they did not like me as i couldnot dance to their tunes but then i thought with time things would settle down.
but to my horror when this june i visited them and stayed with them for about 10 days on the last day when my hubby came to pick me up they started concoting stories about me and my family.Like i never ask them ever about anything ,never infortm them as to when i had to go to my sisters place,in very rude language my MIL said i only consult my mom for all the issues.all these things were not true for i have always before even planning out things informed them ,whenver we undertook any journey i made it a point that i stayed in constant touch with them and kept informing them about our whereabouts and stuff.
they even went ahead and sais bad things about my family that her mom told at the time of marriage why should i give you anything i would give it directly to my daughter as she will stay else where,which is totally untrue as i asked my dad about it.
i felt so belittled and insulted because by doing all this they were just trying to tarnish my and my parents image in front of my husband.
they started lamenting that they have been so much insulted this way by my parents and they are so depressed since their son has got married he has started following my instructions wherein i have never asked my husband to ignore his family and he never does.
as a result of all this now though untrue but this image of my parents have been established in my husbands mind that my parents have done very wrong to his parents and that his parents are so hurt and all when this was just a trap set by my inlaws so that he doesnot interact with my family and strains out his relationship with me.thewy have even succeeded in it a swell.he now doesnot call my parents,one day i asked him in detail the reason why he stays so upset and again he said that the conversation that occured in june is the reason he is so disappointed that his parents are so hurt and my parents dont respect them.
he even went further to add that his realtionship with my family is strained because of this only and he said that he fights and quarrels and gets irritated with me a swell because his parents and i dont share a healthy relationship.
honestly speaking i had left no stone unturned to make them feel happy and to please them but unfortunately when i tried to be nice and sweet to them they took it the other way round that see now she iis under our control and started tourturing all the more by saying what ever came up in their mouths.
my husband earlier used to say he understands all this but cant say much to his parents as well.
but now i feel that he has taken things for granted a she is concerned that his parents feel bad but he never ever said that you know things were very bad for you nor did he ever ask me are you ok after the incident as they even said that i have blamed their son that because of him our family is not getting planned he has some problem,when i never said something of the sort even in my dream.they even said we have no relationship with this girl she should now never touch our feet and stuff.
now the scene is they never call me but i call them every day,and in july we got to know that i am on family way.yet my husband is so concerned about them that though he knows they never call me he would keep asking "do you not call them daily?you should talk to them."
i mean have a heart man no feelings for me and the stage i am at yet your expectations are sooooo high that i should be the one who shoudld do it all though they never ever ask about my health as well when i call they only enquire about their son.i feel even if i would sya something to him that i feel bad about all this he is going to turn quiet defensive and find a problem with me.
my problem is at this stage of time i should be happy but i am so tensed and stressed all the time help me how do i handle the situation???

falgunid18 · Sep 11, 2012

Hi Avni....hugs to you dear. if it helps in anyway... then trust me you are not the only one with this story.... I guess every other DIL goes through this. Typical MIL, typical Husband, typical story. I would say as far as they dont live with you, consider this as a positive aspect (even though it has many side affects to it). First make sure that by spoiling your DH's brain, your mil doesnt plan to shift with you guys. Your mil will keep on cont. torturing you this way indirectly. There is no way you can stop her. So the best is IGNORE what she says. I know its too hard, but just develop a mind set so that your mil words do not stay in your head for more than few min.

Your DH has just become another momma's boy and it will take a lot of time for you to change him. So that is why just concetrate on yourself. If he asks you to call daily, tell him in a stern way that at this stage you are not feeling to talk to anyone and will call later or tomorrow. Leave this habbit of calling your inlaws daily. It will only create more tensions for you. Your Dh will dance as per your MIL's tune only. So you have to put your foot down and start doing what you feel like. Also, remember you DH is not your GOD. So think him as your life partner and NOT your life.

Involve yourself in activities you like. I understand how irritating it must be if your DH is totally convinced on his mom's side, but then for now, just leave it. Do not bother him or about him much. Let him handle his relations with his mom, you take care of him as usual, but at the same time you take care of yourself first.

See if this works for you -- Do not talk to him much. Just be busy in yourself. answer in one word and when needed. Not a silent treatment, but kind a similar to it. Your DH should realise your importance too.

Whenever you remember your MIL, just vent here, but dont let it affect you. She will ahve nothing to loose, but her impact can create a rift between you two.

I donot have anything else for you now. But I am sure, other ladies will have excellent advices for you.

Good Luck to you dear.

Take care

Falguni D

silvertulip · Sep 11, 2012

Hi dear, I can understand how u would be feeling as I have been married for 1.5 years and still I am putting up with my MIL's usual nonsense regularly. Let me tell u one thing, which is definitely hard, but once u learn it, things will be a bit easy to handle. No matter what ur MIL says (constant nonstop nonsense) unless she is not physically attacking u, turn deaf and dumb, don't respond as if she is talking to a wall. Let ur DH know u are not bad with his mom but she is the one who is being bad. Hear her nonsense from one ear and take it out from other the very next moment. Yes, it's hard but think u r practicing meditation while someone is playing loud music and u need to concentrate on urself.
He is listening to her right now, let him do what he feels like. U take care of urself and do only what is required and don't give in if u aint comfortable. Tell him if he expects u to respect his parents, he needs to do the same for urs. But yes, communicate properly, don't fight, and stand for urself.
He needs to see that it's his mom who has issues with u and not u. Tell ur parents to keep communication minimum with ur ILs so that they don't get chance to create stories abt ur parents. Give time sometime and see how things turn up.

snm1984 · Sep 12, 2012

Same old story.Happens in every household.Why are Indian men so spineless and stupid?I find it highly irritating,don't these old ladies have any other better job than to disrupt a married couple's life?If they are so insecure they should keep their "raja beta" to themselves and not get them married.I was in the same boat as you,don't worry.Take advantage of "momma's boy mentality".Which is insecurity,lack of confidence and needing reassurances for whatever decisions they take.Once they get the msg than you are not forever going to stick around listening to his mom's crap talk,they will slowly start taking stand.Tell him in a marriage its husband and wife relation that matters,everything else his family/your family takes a back seat.You are what you are,if his mom doesn't accept that then you don't care.All you care is about him & you are concerned that his mom is causing him great depression by feeding negative thoughts into his head.That's right if mils can act manipulative and evil,even we dil's should give them the same treatment.Divide and rule policy,i know it sounds evil but if my marriage was worth saving by doing this,I would gladly do it.

coolpinky · Sep 12, 2012

Hi Avni,

Not a new story to hear. Its happening in my life also. My Dh also doesnt talk to my mom inpsite of me telling him so many times. So I just make it a point that there would be just formal talks between my dh and my mom atleast once a month.

His brain is filled with so much of hatred against my mom and MIL is responsible for that. Even my MIL doesnt speak to my mom.

Though I am worried about all these things nothing much can be done.
Just leave the things as it is. You make sure that you take care of your parents well thats all.

Whats the loss to your parents if the PILs and your DH doesnt call them? Nothing right? The more you ask him the more he will hate them
So leave it there.

Enjoy your life. Dont worry about your ILs

avni23 · Sep 12, 2012

hey thnx friends for ur prompt reply.i agree it doesnot make any difference to my family even if my husband doesnot talk to them and belive me though i expect it out of him but have never ever asked him to do so.because i believe anything that is done under pressure looses its meaning itself.i think that my parents are so precious to me that if some one doesnot want to talk to them why should i tell him to talk ,it should come from heart and since it doesnot then its fine.
like i do call my in laws daily but without any emotions just like a duty a formality.
my concern is also that would ever my husband realise what i have been going through alll this time?would he ever stand by me and support me before his parents or i would have to put up with it all my life?because it is hard to believe that he is so sensitive towards his parents feelings then i am sure he must be able yo make out how hurtful it is for me to bear with all the trauma.or is it that he is only concerned about his and his family's emotions and comfort and as far as he gets it he is fine what so ever may happen with the other person?i dont know if any one of you have gone through the same thing do share ur opnion.