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Need Help .. again :(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sushmamohapatra, Jun 25, 2010.

  1. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Also, if you could let me know whar will happen if BIL's lawyer is successful in proving that the charges on BIL are false? What will my sister have to do ? Is he supposed to even get some medical reports to prove herself? I am not sure about the US laws,so just want to understand how will this go further now.

    Sushma, Your BIL's lawyer shud not be trying to do it. Here in DV cases the attorney usually defends his client to minimum charge and minimum sentence thats it.They dont usually question the victim. Only the judge asks for the statement of the victim. You dont need to worry about that. No medical reports to be submitted unless she was injured to a great extent.
    Your sister shud not in any situation come into your BIL's talks and try to see his way now. He needs to take some anger management classes and see some sense. If at the end of it all he is genuinely regretting then there is a chance. Meaning your sister listen to him. This is still too soon for making decisions coming into pressure.Good Luck.
     
  2. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    Chocolate is right. DO NOT Dismiss the case when your BIL is at fault. Dismissing the case meaning your sister has to tell the authorities that she is at fault too and that she has lied to cops previously, which will be a big mistake if something like this happens in future. I guess your BIL is really scared to face the criminal charges so he is trying different means to get out. He is not the one who would be deciding to continue in marraige or divorce. Your sister is the one making the decisions now. Your sister has to handle such questions very tactically. Let him spread the gossip around. Do not bother about it and ask her to concentrate on her life. Is the restraining order still in place? If he is trying to contact your sister directly or indirectly when the restraining order is in place, you sister needs to let the cops know about it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  3. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your replies Choclate and Archana. I logged in to see other posts which will give my sister some more understanding and confidence to deal with her situation and saw a reply to this. Felt nice after seeing this. :) Thank you once again.

    I completely agree to what you said here. Me and my parents had already told my sister not to dismiss the charges and not worry about it. She has turned anxeitic and completely under stress, as she is all alone. She tried to convey him or make him understand through mails that what he is doing is not correct and is ruining their married life, but all in vain (he dint reply at all)! Also there is friend of theirs who spoke to my BIL straight and clear, and BIL spoke to him very nicely initialy 2-3 times and told all problems. That friend understood from his talks that BIL is ONLY concerned of HIS job, image, family, mother, sister's stay (as BIL told that my sister had a chance to patch by keeping his sister in their house and she lost it). BIL very tactfully proved my sister at fault and that friend and his wife started suspecting my sister to be fake. But that friend called my father to speak about his discussion with BIL, and then he realised that my BIL was fake. That friend also understood that he has no regrets at all, of beating her. Recent incident was, his sister visited him and went back, and it happened that this friend called BIL casually to ask how he is and if he has thought anything to do further, like trying to make out from his talks whats on his mind. But instead of talking normally, BIL blasted that friend soooo badly, abusing my sister and saying that she lost all chances, why is she after me now to solve the case? now i will fight this case, and i am ready for a divorce. tell her to file the case and i will sign for it. I want to live my life on my own terms now. She is blah blah.. and what not he told. That friend was aghast by the kind of language and statements BIL spoke about my sister. He from then asked my sister to leave him as he is and start for a course and try for jobs. He is currentlty helping her with things and both he and his wife are being a great support to my sister. That friend keeps calling my father on and off to update him about my sister's state, which is also a great helping hand for my parents too.

    BIL also told that he has already told his parents about these charges. The entire episode of blasting that friend was an outcome of his sister and mother's lessons taught to him.

    Just hoping, he realises what HE is losing and NOT his MOTHER, SISTER or FATHER! HE is ruining HIS life, which he still needs to understand, but his family is not allowing him to get over their thoughts / likes / dislikes. This is really upsetting, and feels like WHY his mother & sister are bitches (sorry but cudnt control :( ).

    Sushma
     
  4. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    Firstly, if your BIL is under restraining order still, your sister should not contact him. period. And if he does, she should be reporting to police. If she went for restraining order and tries to contact him, then in court she has to face lot of questions, like if there is a threat from him, why is she even trying to contact him instead of staying away from him? It will be tough to convince judge on this.
    She will be in a state of anxiety but the poeple around her should help her keep in normal moods. She and the folks around her has to leave the anxiety of what's happening on the other end. Let the BIL fight the case, go to jail or hell, it shouldn't matter to her anymore.
    Secondly, yes, bad influence would make a difference in person. But good influence should also make a person think. But your BIL does not want to accept his mistakes and he thinks what he does is perfectly right, not because of the influence of his mom/sister, but that's the kind of person he is. So no need to blame the third party. Even if those women are not in his life, that's how he behaves and he is equally bad as his mom/sister. If he is ruining his life, it shouldn't bother any of you any more. Just concentrate on your sister's life. You guys need to help her get out of those thoughts and she will do it when you diver her mind. Let her talk out her fears to you. Answer her questions and give her hope in life. Do not keep taking her back into her past.
    I believe even today he is controlling your sister's life and it should be completely stopped. Ask your sister not to have any contacts with him in any form. And none of you have any kind of contacts with him. Do not even attempt to negotiate anything. That will leave her nowhere.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  5. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Archana for a prompt reply.

    She has the restraining order which states they can meet at outside places, except the place she lives and works. But she is not contacting him anymore. Its becuase she was anxeitic initally, she sent him few mails, hoping to change the situtation. Not sure if she is supposed to do this as well or no.

    BIL was not like this earlier. He has turned this way gradually. It was few days back I was talking to my sister about his behaviour before getting onto this situation, and she said he never adjusted or even bothered to change. He always wanted to do this HIS way, always wanted to live like a bachelor only, despite of getting married. When she started opposing, he started beating or abusing or spoiling her mood / holidays/ weekends. He never wanted to pickup a spoon if it fell from is plate while eating! Beat her when she wanted some money to pay her insurance premium and he refused to give, where he had taken a personal loan of 2.5lacs (dont why)!!! Where he spent this money .. no one KNOWS! He spent carzily on credit cards, where he has almost 4-5 of them, before leaving for US. After he left, all the recovery agencies threatened my sister and howled at her to payback that money, and BIL had not even informed her about those bills!!! Neiother about that loan thing. Still his parents & sister fed him not to sponsor my sister's H4 and not even support to make her passport!!While being in US, when he beat her on putting kadipatta in sabji, he forcefully fed her by pushing food in her mouth. Poor she was not even able to gulp it, still he pushed food and yelled at her and said what not. Simply Unbeleivable! Becasue he was NEVER like earlier and whatever he speaks or behaves with my sister, are clearly his family's statements / thoughts / to-be-done actions (with my sister) because I have already spoken to his sister only once on this issue few months back and what came to me was completely diplomatic answers which poisioned BIL more. So I am confident that he is been spoon fed by them day & night!

    Just because of BIL's attitude, few of their common male friends (married), are trying to get close to her and take advantage of her situation. This is depressing her more. Though have asked her to stay away, she is just scared to speak to anyone in their social circle, thinking dont know who will do what and when. Guess BIL has spread a word that she is aprty freak and likes her freedom, so she is like free to go out with anyone and he is not intrested etc etc.

    None of us are even bothered to contact HIM or his family, becasue we had been trying to ask ihs parents to sort this matter and ask BIL to stop behaving like a jerk! But they instead shed-off their shoulders as if my sister is a peice of s**T for them:rant!!! Now, even if they know or they dont... I have decided and told everyone in family NOT to approach either of them (her inlaws or BIL) for anything. We just need to concentrate on making my sister strong and confident to do something for her future / career.

    Sushma
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    One word from me.Your sister is lucky to get a sister like you.Not many will have sister like you who will support siblings in hard time.
    All the best sushma!!
     
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Sushma,Your BIL is a big time jerk who doesnt know your sister's value right now.I know how it is when IL's paint a rosy picture of their darling son's to them in such situations. I have been there. But I took control of my life at that point. The point is now your sister needs to find her inner strength and tackle your BIL confidently. Kick him out of her life right now.

    I dont understand why your parents are approaching your sister's IL's now. Evil is existing in her marriage thru in laws too long before she left to US. So what difference does it make by talking to them.He will never see his family's evil. So its better your sister starts thinking of her own life.Also I do believe that she needs to punish him for making her suffer.I mean to say she needs to tell in court all the past abuse done by your BIL.That is beneficial in a way to keep away all such unsavoury elements you mentioned like your BIL's friends.She can always post here to seek support.Do post what happens. Good Luck.
     
  8. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    The restraining order says what one can do and what one can not. Your sister can write an email to BIL, but if the criminal proceedings go to court, the judge will question you sister why would she contact a person from whom she has threat. So best thing is not to contact BIL, it's not just for court purposes. Absolutely no contacts will give her time to recover. She will never recover as long as she is in touch with him. I admire her courage and your decision to help her walk out of the situation for second time. She has every right to be treated as a human being and she shouldn't be counting no.of times.
    You are being such a good support to her. Please be her emotional support until she settles down. These are the times we need our near and dear ones badly. You have to be strong and keep her strong.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2010
  9. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    @ Priya, Thank you so much. Indeed, my sister's are everything for me and I love them a lot. I cannot see them in pain. Yes my parents too are a very important part. Trying my best to help her become strong and stabilise her future and become independent.


    @Choclate, I agree with you completely that BIL is a jerk and I did tell him this and he got damn angry at me calling him by this! Also my parents are not approaching. But you how parents feel in such situations, and these thoughts keep cropping up in their minds. And its mainly my dad who is insisting more becasue till this time, he was the one to bear all the nonsense from her inlaws becasue it was her second marriage. But now in this, he doesnt want to keep quiet. Have made him understand that WHY he needs to keep quiet now, and let things pass by and let her inlaws come and talk to us first rather we initiating discussions. He understood my point, but he still keeps asking me if he call them (have to hold him tight on this :) ). My sister has given her side of verdict to the attorney for the forthcoming hearing in september, including the abuse right from day one when they got married.


    @Archana, I too was of same opinion, that the judge will question her on her emails. Told her not to do so, but still she is getting panicked, as men around are taking her undue advantage. She has stopped as of now, but its difficult again as she is far and I cannot remote control her, becasue she extremely angry on such things and feels I am not allowing her to solve her marital problems, which is not true. So had to allow her to send 2-3 ,mails of her choice but not wirting anything which will make her land in problems.

    Thank you all, for the support. Its a difficult situation, for me to handle my parents, my sister and give them all the suggestions & opinions seeing to it that nothing gores wrong or none of them perceive the statements I pass in a wrong manner. I feel I am making them understand like a mother would do to their children. I really feel that I am becoming older than my age :p. But still worth it, if it solves problems for my sister & parents worry for her!

    Surely will keep you all posted about her situations and seek help if & when required. Thank you once again.

    Love to all
    Sushma
     

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