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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sushmamohapatra, Jun 25, 2010.

  1. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks ASG for a prompt reply. But my sister didnot jump into any relation hastily. Its all about udnerstanding given to her in their courtship. She had clealy told my BIL that she cannot lead life as per his terms and conditions, and on this my BIL ate some poisions thing, and tried to commit suicide! My sister was always clear on what she wanted from her marraige for the second time and she cannot make a mistake again. To which BIL used to always give her those goody answers, "I am there with you no matter what happens. I will handle my parents too." Everytime they had dicsussions over his parents opposing their relation, he was confident on handling it. I can say this becasue I was present while these discussion sometimes and BIL also used talk to me in person, when my sister was not around or busy with her work / studies.

    But when the actual time had come to prove his skills in convincing his parents and getting married, he clearly told my sister that he cannot go aaginst! They had arguments fights everything, and he disappeared sudenly for 2-3months. Suddenly came back and told my fathe to fix a date in gurdwara or church or anywhere to get married to my sister, against his parents wish. And there on changed the entire story! After their marriage, he was completely remote controlled by his mother, where he should work like city, company, howmuch money he should spend on his wife, and see to it that his wife should cook clean and chamkaofy the house like crystal glass! and that she should serve her inlaws as its her second marriage so she be as good as servant to all and still not complaint. In all thius, to an extent my sister did all these things, to save her marraige, but BIL was and is still controlled by his mother. He may not back answer to his mother, but will surely ooze out his mothers lessons on my sister for NO GOOD reason. The smallest example, not sure if i had written in earlier posts. He beat her for putting 'kadipatta' in paneer! saying what rubbish is this, and you cook your dirty meals like maharashtra at your house. In our north, this bloody thing is never used in paneer. This was one of his mothers stmts, that maharashtrian put kadipatta in everything and tastes aweful! (no offence here please :( i love MH food!).

    He has told many times to my sister, that he is frustrated with the fact that watever he does fro my sister she is not happy, and there his parents are as it is unhappy. He did tell that he is not able to undertsand as to what he should do, to make this marraige work becasue he is completely confused! BUT doesnt stop beating my sister. I can say, that my sister might have misunderstood certain things at certain points, but beating is not the final retort. He doesnt want to talk about things at all which has made things more worse.

    Regarding she getting into another relation / marriage, she will not do so, if this one breaks.

    Sushma
     
  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    All the warning signs were there for this guy...

    Clearly a nut. A NORMAL, RATIONAL, SANE guy does not try to commit suicide when the woman in his life discusses her problems with him. He listens, makes a change, and tries again to get her love back. He clearly has an unhealthy view of how relationships work, and I'm surprised your sister continued a relationship with him after that.
    He told the truth, your sister should have listened. She deserves a real MAN, not a momma's BOY.

    Not even married, yet already having fights. Probably 1/2 of it was due to his parents interference. What more warning sign did she need?

    Again, he showed his impulsive and irrational behavior, just like the suicide attempt. I wish your sister had also dissapeared during this time and found a better guy!

    So either he is wishy washy and spineless, or an outright liar.

    That's sad Sushma. I can understand why she would never want to get married again, but I think, if she just took her time and found the right guy, everything would be ok. She's in the US... what about dating a non Indian? Sometimes Indian men give way too much importance to their parents, and especially in Indian community, twice divorced is going to be a big negative. So maybe if she expanded her circle of friendship and started to meet other people? The key is though, she's got to learn to identify weird behavior! Her current husband showed ALL the signs of being a weirdo, way before the wedding. If she can't identify the warning signs, try to guide her about what is and isn't normal behavior! Being divorced twice doesn't necessarily mean she is a hard person to live with, it just means she may not have the best skills at picking out the 'right' guy.

    Sorry to say, I really hope she breaks this relationship. He doesn't deserve your sister. He sounds like an absolute coward... too scared to speak up to mummy dearest, so he beats up his wife instead. Boooo! :thumbsdown
     
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    BIL ate some poisions thing, and tried to commit suicide!.

    Sushma, I was waiting to see a few posts from you to get an overall picture.When your BIL ate poison , your sister shud have broken up from him. This is clearly a WARNING!!. He is an extreme personality. Not reliable at all in a relationship. This is the first warning your sister neglected.

    But when the actual time had come to prove his skills in convincing his parents and getting married, he clearly told my sister that he cannot go aaginst!

    Again, One more warning. This is the marriage which was going to happen against his parents wishes. When the time came he was not upto standing up for it . He is very unreliable in crisis situation. Your sister wud have been happier breaking the marriage right there. What use is of being in a marriage if you cant look up or seek support from your spouse. Its as good as being a roomate.

    serve her inlaws as its her second marriage so she be as good as servant to all and still not complaint.

    This is plain abuse. So what if its her second marriage. Its not her fault and she shud not be made culprit for her earlier marriage failure. This clearly shows her IL's were looking at all ways to break the marriage.

    I am sorry if I am talking old times. But all the signs what your sister underwent ,even I went thru it. Only it was arranged and my FIL liked me for my husband. Are you sure there is no black magic done on your sister and BIL. I know to some its nonsense. But I know the signs. My FIL had done it on my husband and me and result was my hubby was extremely abusive. Just like your BIL said about your sister putting kadi patta in paneer,My husband used to choose to abuse me for the lamest of reasons. I can be wrong too. Do check.

    I dont know the motive, but your sister 's SIL's visit at this time looks very suspicious.How is she and her relation with your sister?

    Regarding she getting into another relation / marriage, she will not do so, if this one breaks.

    Dont think in those lines. There maybe her better half somewhere. Maybe its your BIL,maybe somebody else. The world is full of bad and good people.Sometimes we have to pass thru bad to get to good.She needs your support in giving her a bout of optimism.Good Luck.
     
  4. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks ASG & Chocolate, for your replies.

    My BIL tried to commit sucide only when my sister had walked off the relation. But not sure, if she got scared or turned too emotional when this happened and resumed the relation. Also, he wanted to marry but didnot want to confront his parents, on which they both had arguments, and at that time he told her that he cannt go against them.

    Secondly, when they got married against his parents wishes, BIL asked my parents to go an speak to his parents and convince them! which counded absurd to me at that time and still sounds nonsense to me! My parents were not the one to run after him to get married to my sister, then why will they go and convince his parents, and that too after he got married. He never convinced his parents, TILL DATE, for he getting married to a divorcee. Instead, he feels guilty that he married my sister against his family's wish!

    My sister heard soo much from his parents, specially his mother, just for a fear that this is her second marriage! And that she cannot risk anything to it now. This gave them more strength to do wrong with her and are still doing (both inlaws and BIL too!). After this marraige, when she went to her inlaws place for her first diwali, her MIL passed a comment, infact a very bad one 'paise wale toh bohot log hote hai, paise ko kya hai, paise toh vaishyaon k paas bhi hote hai'. My sister gulped it, but this man dint even stand for her for such a comment! Both mother and daughter (MIL & SIL), played all games/ tricks to emotionally fool BIL, and get him in their control (which has happend), by saying that you never listen to us, for you your family is zero, see her she doesnt leave her family irrespective she has US (inlaws) or no and such more crap, infact very petty things! My sister's SIL is too jealous of my sister, becasue my sister is very beautiful (this is true and not telling becasue she is my sister) and she is extremely fair. Just because of these 2 reasons,her SIL got married to a fair guy as she is a little dark complexion and wanted fair kids to beat her own brother & bhabhi. She used to tell this upfrontly that my sister and BIL will have fair kids and she will have dark complexion kids which she wont like. Also, during her marriage, she compared my sister to her to-be husband saying 'bhabhi xyz aapse zada gora haina :) (wid a grin!)'. She has such a mentality.

    In this situation, I tried talking to her SIL, and told her to please make her brother (BIL) understand. She diplomatically told me that you know soo much about yoursister's married life and its not good to interfer and all crap! When I asked her that dint you mother tell yoiu anything about their married life issues, as she know everything becasue my sister spoke to her about all this, then she denied. After sometime in the conversation, when i said how can you mother not discuss such things in the house, when your brother and sister-in-law (bhabhi) are on the verge of getting divorced! Then she said 'nahi aisa nai hai, mummy bata rahe the, but poora nahi bataya' and there I caught her diplomatic answer and blasted her. Later she wrote and email to my sister wrting all crap about giving respect to her parents (my sister's inlaws) just like my own parents. She pointed out all / only of my sister's mistakes, where on call she was telling mistakes about her brother too! Whenever my father was trying to reach his parents for help or to talk, they clearly told papa to do a police complain and didnot answer the calls saying they are not intrested in this issue!
    Just becasue of this attitude of his family, my BIL has become strong to do all wrong with my sister. He is not using his brain at all, that he is MARRIED now and that if he changes his title from married to divorcee, he too will face the same problem as my sister did or is doing. Many friends in US from their social group tried to make him understand, that mothers are possesive about son;s but YOU need to draw a line on that, as you will not die in your MOTHER's arms, but it will be your WIFE till the end with you. BUT ALL IN VAIN :(

    You rightly said ASG, that she lacks skills to identify the right person, let it be friends too! She was made fool so many times by her friends too, and troubled because she of her past. This was only becasue she used to trust people very soon. She was supervised strictly by my father during her teenages, and never listened to my mom, that she wanted to tell my sister for her betterment!

    I know she can get someone else if she off this marriage, I am not sure what she will do, as she is only 30 now. She has soo much to do in her life, but just because of this relations, she is suffering badly. She feels if this marrige will go off, then the next person will also treat her the same way as these 2 have treated her and she is very scared to even think a life like this again. :(

    Sushma
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    I think this guy is not the one for her. In fact I would bet she married him out of sheer desperation, thinking that since he went after her, he would not mind her divorcee status. Because of her desperation, she has ended up with a spineless nut case. She married for all the wrong reasons (i.e. desperation for herself, pity for this suicidal guy) and hence this is where that road has taken her.

    The problem is, if your sister keeps thinking of herself as 'damaged goods', that is how others will see her too.

    She can find a good life partner, if she BELIEVES she deserves one, and if she refuses to settle for any tom dick and harry who comes her way. You said she is beautiful. That means lot of guys will be attracted to her.... some good, some BAD! She needs to learn that everytime a guy likes her, she does not have to say 'yes' to marrying him! And like I said, she might have better luck going OUTSIDE the Indian culture, where being a divorcee is only one aspect of a person's identity. She should DATE before marriage. If she dates a guy, she'll slowly see his good and bad side. And if the bad is real bad, she can cut her losses and dump her 'boyfriend' rather than keep racking up nth number of divorces with a 'husband'.

    I don't know what future she has with this guy. Personally, I would run run run from him as fast I could. He has no control over his impulses, no direction in life without his parents stirring him left or right, and no compassion for your sister, who after all she has gone through, deserves a lot of compassion and love.
     
  6. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    I feel very sad for your sister going through the trauma, the second time.. Your sister is being emotionally blackmailed.. Your BIL does not seem to be mentally stable.. He is spineless.. Your sister is too bhola types to give in to that kind of a guy.. I think he got married because she is beautiful and wanted to possess that beuatiful object and not because he truly loved her.. I think your sister got married giving in to his emotional blackmails and was desperate after her first divorce..
    Marriages should be based on love and respect.. If not the outcome can be disastrous..


    However, my suggestion is, meaning if she is keen on saving her marriage -
    First - , it is very important to keep her inlaws out of this.. and second - Deal with husband's volatile-voilent behavior.. She has two problems at hand to deal with..

    Ask your sister to document all those incindiary mails what her MIL has sent to her husband triggering him to abuse his wife.. Document every little bit her MIL and husband do.. Ask her to discuss this with her lawyer.. Your never know it might be immensely helpful later on..
    Your sister has to become tough with that guy from now on, not giving in to his stupid emotional blackmails..
    I think till that guy learns to be more calm and composed, and be responsible for his behavior, your sister has to live separately.. He is an adult and should be responsible for his behavior..
    Your sister has to affirm her position - because she is a divorcee does not mean she has to be taken for granted and abused.. Being a divorcee is not her fault to be treated like a second class citizen..

    Btw, i didnt understand that thing, she has a restraining order against her husband, that means both sister and BIL are living separately, then where will her SIL come and live.. And for what is her SIL coming over?..
    Another question i have is, how is your BIL other wise, keeping aside all the in-law interference.. How is he otherwise?..
     
  7. amaman

    amaman New IL'ite

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    Sushmaji, sorry to hear of what your sister is going through.

    Tell your sister that only she can rescue herself from the mess. Others including yourself can do only so much. At the most anyone can do for her is to feel sad for her.

    In her position I would have :-

    Kicked myself to decide for my own life. I would do what makes ME happy and then think of him if I want to.

    Not worth wasting my life with a loser.

    I would get myself another man. So what if there are losers in this world? There are also millions of winners.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2010
  8. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    @ ASG,
    You said right, she made decisons in haste. but not becasue of desparation to get married, but seeing that somoene can come forwards and hold her hand despite of having a past. The problem was, she was seeing ppl proposing her for marriage (after the first separation). But when time actually came to standup and speak to my parents or theirs, those guys abcked off. In other words, many of those guys took her as an object of merely spending time in teenages. She had to leave her education half way when she got married first. When she resumed back to her college, she was torchured like anything from everyone in the college! Right from the peons, Professors, seniors / juniors / yes her classmates too! Poor she used eat her lunch alone in lunch time. Was not helped during her practical sessions where she needed her help. NO ONE was ready to be her practical partner for doing experiments. She was humiliated by girls passing comments and linking her to other guys and cheap jokes making fun out of her! (gurrrrr .. still this boils my blood when I remember those days!) ONLY saving grace was the Principal was with her, and one of her professors use to fire students and other professors for this behaviour towards her, but still these ppl use to torchure her in this manner. She has gulped all this JUST for one thing that she wants to complete her education. Gradually, one guy came up to her and stood with her as a friend, as a shield and started balsting everyone who so ever was trying to act funny with her. Since then she gto some more confidence that yes, she has some value for someone as friend too. That person is still her friend and rally a nice fellow. Gradually when she finished her remainig 2 yr course, almost entire class was with her, friends with her and supporting her, they apologised too for their misbehaviour. When she joined her Masters, she met my BIL, through one of her junior (my sister's SIL now). BIL starting meeting my sister daily in her college, where my sister got his intentions at first. But she was avoiding him coz she thought if he comes to know about her past, he will surely walk away. This continued for 6months, and when he came to my house saying that he wants to be at home as he misses his own home, he spoke to my mom directly without speaking to my sister about marraige. My mom told him about her past and he said that he already knew about it from day one when he met her (his sister told him about my sister's past). Mom told that you better speak to your parents and then come. He confidently answered that I will handle them. My parents were not too much convinced, but asked him to take time and think over this decision. Nowhere my family including my sister forced him to marry her! It was him always to pushing for getting married. After knowing him for a year and a half, my sister spoke to hiim clearly that how she is planning for her life to be with the next partner. He confidently said that he wil never let her fall (by this time i had moved with my sister to work in same city so these things were infront of me.. on and off). Before she committed, she was clear with her goals and other aspects of their "to-be" life and he readily agreed too!

    But all of sudden when he saw his parents agaisnt this relation, and teh way his mother yells at him, he started becoming too irritated and frustared for no good reason.And finally that escape period of 3months and then came back to get married! He continued that 'did-a-favour' attitude after the marraige as well. He used yell at her when she used to even ask are you coming home on time or getting late. (This can be due stress of facing parents or due to his mother abusing /yelling at him for getting married to her). But this situation has not changed till date. His mother scolds him, and he inturns blasts her.

    @ Riya,
    You are right, me and my mom too felt the same, that he got married only to posses a beautiful wife, and wanted to be a 'proud' owner of such an 'object' (for him! x-( ). Her SIL was supposed to live my sister and he still continue to live separately. SIL is coming for a conference in NY, and has planned for putting up in MA for 6 days. Now not sure what BIL will do, as he is absly not in touch with my sister. No mails, no calls, no sms, nothing.he doesnt even reply to her call (once she called to get insurance no.). She is consulting a counsellor there for herself.

    If we minus the inlaws interference, he was very nice in courtship days. Very much understanding, supportive and caring too. Even occasionally when we met, they both did have some tiffs, but he used do somethings to change her mood. Gradually that too went off as his mother used hit him on such things later, 'biwi ka chamcha and all' type of taunts.

    @amaman,
    Any girl would do the things you listed, but my sister is just too skeptical about her moves this way. She being beautiful is soo much know to ppl. ALso, not only in friends but in all my relatives and related families have been fond of her becasue of her naughty nature and beauty! She feels if she becomes harsh, then everyone will point fingers at her and then again the same suffereing that she faced in her college, when she re-joined after the first marraige.

    One more thing I remember Chocolate had mentioned in the reply, about black magic. My sister's MIL speaks often about this thing. Also, when these guys went to visit them once, (I was with them for SIL's marraige) some babaji had come to visit them (inlaws house). He gave some rakh to MIL, and then later she asked my sister to eat it forcefully. My sister made some reason of not eating at that time, and threw it later. But she gave it to her son and daughter, saying that if ppl do black magic, this will protect them! We too feel this cna be on reason for his weird behaviour, becasue we too haev faced this black magic trauma few years back :(.

    Sushma
     
  9. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    He gave some rakh to MIL, and then later she asked my sister to eat it forcefully.

    Sushma, You dont give rakh for protection to anybody. Atleast I have never heard of it(eating it).I wud ask somebody whom you trust what was the motive behind your sister's MIL doing it.You know in my case the motive was clear cut.My FIL wanted us to be in his control forever and come back to India asap. Here the motive looks like your MIL wanted the marriage either not to happen and if now its happened to break it asap. Never mind how it is acheived. Such people are ruthless to their own family. My FIL did it to his own son and me. And with what motive. Just for the fact HE wanted us to do as he says and live as he wants. Never have a life beyond him and his wishes. I shudder to even think of those days where I was under it. It was pure hell. If your sister wants to continue or leave the marriage , I wud still get it checked. Its always better to know the warning signs of such people when we meet them next. Try this if you are convinced of what I am saying. If not , I dont blame you. Most of them whom I tell this, dont believe. But then I give them the benefit of doubt that they havent been thru this. No science can say this is false and prove otherwise. Its a fact even in such age of advancement.Good Luck.
     
  10. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    I need and urgent help or say advice for my sister.

    They had a hearing date today in the court for the DV case lodged against my BIL. For the first hearing, which was somewhere in May, he pleaded guilty. But since my sister didnot accept SIL staying with her for SIL's US trip, today, in their next hearing BIL has not pleaded as guilty. He also told the jury that what he did was not wrong and he has all rights to do that. My sister's lawyer told that he absoulutely didnot seem to be sorry for doing all that to my sister.

    Now, after seeing such a drastic change in behaviour my sister is thinking of finally giving her a divorce. But she is completely stuck, becasue
    1. she fears that the court can send a summon on BIL's request to vacate the house in which she is staying currently, and she will have no place to live, as we dont have our relatives.
    2. BIL had taken her signatures on the H4 visa extension, but now after seeing him soo much stubborn, she fears he may have either not filed the extension OR might have cancelled her visa extension.
    3. she is trying hard to find a job for her. She even got ready for taking up J1, where she is being paid only for 3 months and rest will be unpaid wrk. But after J1 expiry she will have to go back to India for 2 yrs.
    4. she canot take up a course by giving any entrance because BIL will not pay money for her fees.
    5. She cannot come back to india becasue she fears that she will nt be allowed to re-enter US, and her life will be screwed up more.
    6. The next date is somewhere in Sept, but she now cannot this pain and hurt anymore and wants to end this relation as this man is selfish, self-centered, the biggest egoist! where he is spoiling EVRYTHING hat oul take to build a marraige.

    Please help me to guide my sister in right way,so that atleast she is not at loss. I am way to annoyed and hurt with the current situation of my sister, but I want to be strong and bail her out of this messedup marraige!.

    sushma
     

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