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Need Help .. again :(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sushmamohapatra, Jun 25, 2010.

  1. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    My Dear ILites,

    I am back again, not for me, but for my sister. Two-three months back i had posted about her situation. Giving a breif description again, her's is a second marriage, where her husband came forward to my parents to get married to her. But eventually he started listening to his mother and beating my sister brutally for petty things, never supported her where his family was wrong. Many from IL group suggested to file a divorce, where my parents too got convinced and have become strong enough to bear the consequences, for the second time.

    But my sister thought of re-wokring towards it, as she loves him alot. He despite of changing or even thinking to adjust, starting throwing tantrums in the same way again, and that time my sister called 911. The cops came and arrested him. She then asked someone to give his bail. The court asked to stay somewhere else for some time until their hearing was done. He was very angry, with my sister did to him and was not expecting her to do it. But many people and friends tried to make him understand, and he thought of talking to my sister and making his marriage work. He was trying to be all goodie. BUt soon my sister realised that he is being good only to come to his own house and be the same! Also, his sister has a conference in NY,after which he had planned to get to MA, to be with them for some days. Knowing my sister would not allow his sister(SIL) to live he was buttering to my sister. My sister was still too low as he told her that he will or rather cannot change as he is addicted to be like this. They had couple arguments, good times in past 2 months. But just in the begining of this week, while going to work, when they had a discussion over SIL coming to MA, he was forcing my sister to allow SIL to putup with her in their house. And to which sister politely said no, due to her past experiences and issues SIL created between both.On this, he turned so wild while driving and started verbally abusing her. That day they had a hearing in the court to decide for a restraining order and my sister took another 1 year's restraining order.

    Last night, she happened to read to some of his mother's email to her DH. That mail clearly stated that my sister doesnt work even after being so much educated, and now wants to sit at home and spend his money (where my sister's MIL used to tell my sister not work now as she need to first settle with DH in US and can study if she wants). She is not a good wife and homemaker, she doesnt want to plan a family. It also stated that she married her DH just to spoil their family(she wrote : usne tujhse(my jiju) shaadi hi isiliye ki taake woh teri zindagi kharab kar sake aur humara ghar barbad. uske pehle ghar wale khush naseb hai jo usse chutkara paa gaye. tumhare paas abhi bhi time hai chod do usko aur wapas aa jao india. aise relation se kya mil raha hai tumhe?).. All these statements and more like these which his (sister's DH) mother has been feeding him, was told to my sister by her DH. My sister is very hurt as she recollected everything that her DH told her in their arguments, which was all taught by his mother and absoulutely not understanding how to handle this. She doesnt want to confront DH or MIL as of now. But now the urge to unfold all her tricks is just hitting my sister. I tried telling her to concentrate on her job front as these things will eat her completely.

    My sister is trying to get a job, but no one is ready to sponsor her visa too. She tried to take up J1, but again, they are paying only for 3 months salary in the duration of 18 months, where her extension of visa is also dicy.

    I dont know what to tell her and how to guide her. But i am way too sad the way MILs treat their DILs and feel DILs are just doormats! :(

    Sushma
     
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  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Op the situation is so messy I could not understand where it begins, where it ends and where it is going, they both are living together, she filing restraining order what about divorce? what are they waiting for to change after so much has happened?

    she calling police is right if he was beating her for petty things as you described. Also getting restraining order is right, but where do they go from here esp your sister?
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2010
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    You said your sister has taken another 1 year restraining order against her husband. So, she shouldn't be having any contact with him now, right? So whatever her piece of crap mil is saying about her shouldn't matter to her! She should not even be knowing about it! If she has taken a restraining order against her husband, she should NOT be living with him. If she keeps taking out orders, yet continues to live with him... what message does that send? That he is not that dangerous? That she doesn't know what she wants? I think asking for an order of protection was the RIGHT thing. BUT, she must use it!

    Guys like her husband, who 'brutally beat' their wife... do not change! She is risking her life everyday that she stays in that house with him. Especially know that her mil is trying to trigger him. Suppose she suceeds and this guy hauls off and attacks your sis again? And even if he doesn't, does she want to continue life with such a no good guy? And a no good family?

    You can advise, but if your sister is desperate to stay married at any cost, then there is not much you can do. Maybe she would rather die than be a twice divorced woman. Try to talk sense into her that this marriage is a SHELL. It only appears right from the outside. But on the inside it is empty. Intense violence? Restraining orders? Antaganistic inlaws?

    Do everything you can to help her in her job search. If she needs a safe place to live, let her come stay with you until she can support herself. Perhaps going back to India to be with parents or relatives would be better than continue living with her husband. Losing a visa is chump change compared to losing your LIFE.
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Not sure what your sister is qualified in but you will first need to target the state according to her qualification, like CA for software.

    And from what I understand, she is afraid of being named, "twice divorced". But, tell her that her life is precious and she should not waste it with living a man ike her husband. Anyway, why is she still living with him after the court order? financial problem?
     
  5. kumudh

    kumudh New IL'ite

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    If your sister is still staying with him despite getting 2nd restraining order & if this is true, both your sister is in trouble if hubby reports this to court & can be arrested for faking or showing contempt to the court. that will put any future court action will be difficult for her.... again, if this is true..she should immediately leave or not to allow husband to the home where she staying..
     
  6. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    Your sister has restraining order against her husband. That means no communication by any means. I am not sure if I understood properly, but does your sister still live with her husband even after serving him with the restraining order? If her husband violates the restraining order, your sister should report to the authorities immediately and she should absolutely not contact him.
    Ask your sister to ignore her MIL/SIL or whatever they say. Right now, she should be concentrating of about her life. She has 1 year of restraining order. So ask her to take this time to think clearly what she wants in this relationship. You as her sister give her support. Listen to her issues. Make her look at the pros and cons of the relationship. I am not sure about this, but if she is dependent on her husband for living, he should give her some kind of alimony. Just take the help of the officer who is dealing with her case or contact the domestic violence organization.Some states reimburse the expenses caused her while she is away from the home due to the domestic violence.
     
  7. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    Sorry for a delayed response, was off the internet for the weekend.

    Thank you all for replying to my post. But i guess i created a little confusion in my first post.

    When my sister did a 911 complain, then at that time by law they were supposed to stay separate until next hearing, but they could meet or call each other. In this duration, additional arguments, relation mending things have happened. My BIL (jiju), had been going for marriage counselling as well, but eventually he stopped going. The lastest hearing (which was last week), just before that, both of them had a heated argument on his sister's stay. And then in that hearing, my sister decided for 1year's restraining order.

    Dear Tridev,
    Where to head is the only question :(. She doesnt want to get divorced. On the contrary, now after the incidence that happened last week over his sister, BIL is not in touch with my sister, to manage / mend things on marriage.

    Dear ASG,
    They are not staying together, The court had order only calls or meeting other than my sister's work place or her current residence (which is supposed to be both of their residence). And you are, "Losing a visa is chump change compared to losing your LIFE.". She does understand this, and so she called the cops, further not taking a risk. But right now, when things were getting little better, things have to come to a halt again, due to his sister;s visit to MA.

    Dear Rakhii & Kumudh,
    She is a pharmacist with a Masters in Biotechnology. She is trying to find job in MA itself. She spoke to her laywers about the restraining order and then only she has gone ahead for this 1 year of gap. She is consulting all lawyers, to help herself to come out of all this situation, and to maker her marriage work.

    Dear ArchanaP,
    I did ask her to do the same, to ignore the SIL / MIL mails, conversations and even be least bothered about anything related to them. Regarding her expenses, the court has asked my BIL to bear it, and he has accepted it. So as of now its not an issue. But surely she is contacting the domestic voilence organisations to be prepared to face the unexpected. While speaking to a lawyer there, she realised one thing, that if, both the spouses are not ready to workout on the marriage, and demand for a divorce, and the marriage has not completed 5 yrs, then the wife doesnt get any compensation / alimony. Since then she is a bit tensed, if BIL files a divorce case directly before their next hearing, then she wont be able to do anything and wont be getting anything from this. Though domestic voilence is there to support her, but she is way too scared for her future. Not sure about the US laws, if either of the spouse files a divorce petition, then the divorce is surely to happen or whats next?

    I am planning to send my parents there for quiet sometime, not sure if this is the right time to send them but I thought if they going there and talking to them might make a difference or be of some support to my sister.

    While replying here, I went through a post here by MadeInIndia "Need some perspective. after 5 years of marriage..". This gave a good idea or must say a clearer picture of their issue. And must admit this has helped me to understand BIL's side of problem as well. The responses to this thread was amazing and I liked everyone's reply, which had almost all views for a personality.


    Sushma.
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    Thanks for clarifying, it makes more sense now. I'm super glad to see she is not living with him at this point. Just too dangerous! If her husband was serious about making the marriage work, he would not let a disagreement over his sister get in the way. The fact that he would rather have his sister in the house no matter what his wife thinks about it (that too, in the midst of a marital crisis) tells A LOT about his priorities in life. Also, he stopped marriage counselling. What does that say? I think it's pretty clear.

    You mentioned sending your parents 'there'. Where is 'there'? I don't think anyone from your side should be living in the same house as this guy. Them staying with your sister is fine. But I think everyone going back to live in the guy's house is a bad idea. It is just asking for more trouble. If they want to talk to him, do it in a public place. Or at a friend's house. Really though, what are they going to say to fix the situation? This isn't just a small marital tiff/adjustment issue. It's major domestic violence where courts are involved and sister's life is at stake.

    Hope your sister is able to work this all out and find happiness. Good luck to you and your family...
     
  9. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your wishes ASG. By sending my parents there only meant that they would be with my sister for some time. I know this is a major domestic voilence case, and so I was planning to send my parents to be with her for some time, until she is a little okay. Even if my parents want to speak to my BIL, they ill not speak to him in either of the residences, and will be speaking only with the presence of third person. After reading various posts out here, I realised one thing, that it can be an udnerstanding issue as well for natures. My sister is too talkative and my BIL is introvert. Likes to be in his shell and do his own things like playing games, watching movies alone till late night, keep doing tp on FB orkut et networking sites. But he is scared to mention his marita status anywhere, because he is scared of his parents and sister who keeps an eye on his status, and picks on him if they see such things. (this wrong although, because he is being remote controlled completely! and doesnt want to change). One of the response to a post i have read in these days, was of the fear of supporting wife infront of mother, regreting getting married to your own love, because of the guilt feeling that he has gone against his parernts wish once, and now he doesnt want to hurt them again. Though such things were listed in my initialy discussion with my sister, and she tried to help him come out of this state-of-mind, but in turn he used beat her and till date never listens to anything wrong against his parents or sister, even if they would have murdered someone and they were clean-chit cuplrits!

    Not sure, if my parents making both of them understand all this would help, because his parents are absolutely not intrested in getting this matter resolved, as they are happy that their son is in their control. He sends money without even telling my sister about it, for which his parents are all the more happy now. There is no harm in sending money to parents when they are old, but hiding and lying to your wife about it is wrong.

    Thank you all for the suggestions. Do post if you feel to suggest something that can workout in this situation.

    Thanks you once again.

    Sushma
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sushma,

    I think your sister jumps into marriages too fast. This guy is afraid to even list his status as 'married' on facebook? Doesn't want to tell anyone he is married? She shouldn't have gotten married to him. Not unless he was strong enough to stand up to his parents, not just on the wedding day, but everyday for the rest of his life.

    Now I see what you mean about your parents going to stay with her. That's a good idea. For a minute I got mixed up thinking her and your folks would all be moving back in with this guy.

    My only further advice, would be that in the future, your sister take A LOT of time getting to know a guy before getting married to him.
     

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