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Need help/advice to let go of my bitter past with inlaws to move on..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by MSharma10, May 24, 2011.

  1. MSharma10

    MSharma10 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I have been a regular reader of this forum and have benefitted immensely form the information shared by the members of this site, so though I was not a very active member in writing. Most of the times I have been able to find a solution to my issues by just listening ur advices to other people, but this time, I have come with a problem of my own. I had earlier voiced my opinion abt a year back but now I need ur advice.
    I have been married for 6 years and have a 3 year old son. Initial 3 years of my marriage were blissful. I shared a god rapport with my inlaws as well. However, when my younger BIL got married 3 years ago, situation started to change. My SIL and BIL came to stay with us on our house since he changed his job to shift to our city and we to were more than happy to accommodate them with us. But within a couple of months, I started to feel the change in behavior of my in-laws towards me. They were staying in another city at that time.
    I had been working at a good position both before and after my marriage but took a break when I had my son as I wanted to give my complete time to him. I used to stay at home, look after my son, and manage the whole household. We had a maid who used to come and clean but the cooking etc. and all other activities were done by me. I was putting in all my efforts, slogging day and night to keep everyone happy and at the same time take care of my son as well. However, things soon started to turn very bad as my SIL managed to create a very negative image of me in front of my in-laws. She created a picture where in she was doing all the work, managing everything and I was not doing anything at all, except playing with my son. My inlaws behavior became really partial and she was favored over e’thing. Though I was managing the house, still if something was to be done in particular for any auspicious day, they wud tell her. She wud pass on the directions to me and march off. Here I was doing e’thing like a slave forgetting completely my life and still I was being not credited for it.
    Every time, I wud try to discuss the issues with my hubby, he wud end up saying that my mentality is wrong. His parents don’t think this way or do any such thing. He was not even willing to once discuss this with my inlaws. This started creating a rift between us. MY SIL is very smart in that sense, while I don’t hesitate to call a spade a spade, she wud never do that. She is sooooooooo very sweet in front of u, that one cannot even thing that she can have a conniving mind. In the meantime, my inlwas also shifted to stay with us. Things went so very bad, that I once tried to commit suicide but was unsuccessful as my son too ate the same poisonous stuff and so I had to rush him to doc where in I vomit out my stuff as well as I needed to take care of him. My husband again blamed me for e’thing and called up my parents to inform them that he cannot stay with me anymore. I had not informed anything to my parents so far coz my mom is a heart patient and is suffering from cancer as well. She is presently undergoing treatment for the same. I didn’t want them to be further troubled. But when my husband called them up and told them, I cudnt take it any more. I decided to walk out of the house.
    It is then that my inlaws came up openly outside and started blaming me for e’thing. For the first time in my life, I answered back anyone elder to me. I had always given them respect and gone an extra mile for them but that day all the bottlled up feelings came out and I spoke e’thing abt their partial behavior, their lies and unjustified actions. Everything. But they refused to acknowledge even one of them and instead started their own melodramatic scene where in they started to cry and say that ”They don’t want to say anything. They want to leave and go.” Things never got cleared up, they never ever gave any explanation for nay of their actions.
    But they moved to another house 4 houses away from ours. They moved out abt 7 months agao. My relationship with my husband was on the verge of splitup. The only reason I was staying was coz of my son and my Mom. Now that they have moved away and are staying separately with my BIL and SIL, reality is now being seen by e’one. My husband has now changed his attitude and behaviour towards me for the better. He accepts that in some of the things his parents and BIL/SIL were wrong, though he does not accept all of their mistakes. And also doesn’t want to confront them.
    My problem now is that though our mutual relationship has started to improve, with both of us agreeing that past can never be forgotten so that small crack wud always remain (at least we think so), the problem comes when inspite of staying separately, my inlaws keep meddling in our life. Though they don’t say anything directly now, but even if they taunt me indirectly, I am not able to take it/ignore it as I used to do earlier. All the past happenings come rushing to my mind and I end fighting with my hubby or just upsetting my mood. All in all, the peace my home is disturbed. Please tell me how do I foget their past doings, how do I free myself from negative thots abt them? How do I manage to keep myself and my home happy and let go of all the negativity of the past? I want my peace of mind and positive attitude back coz I want to give a healthy environment to my son.

    Please help. Thanks a lot.
     
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  2. sreemanavaneeth

    sreemanavaneeth Gold IL'ite

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    My dear friend,

    Donot worry. Every problem will have a solution.You slowly share your opinions to your husband. If any quarrel is going to take place you avoid it from your side. Surely your husband will realise and he will know what is good and what is wrong?? Do not confuse yourself by thinking of the past.

    All the best dear. CHANT SAI MANTRA 108 times daily which will bring more happiness to your life. I too will pray for you. A very good medicine for all the humanbeings in this earth is none other than PRAYERS.
     
  3. sitara1

    sitara1 Bronze IL'ite

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    Living happy is the best revenge. Make a deal with your H that whenever your ILs hurt you with their comments/actions directly/indirectly, you and your H will do something special to counter their negativity. Like going out for dinner, movie or a small trip. Beat negativity with positivity.
     
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  4. amul

    amul Silver IL'ite

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    Dear MSharma

    very sorry abt your situation dear.

    As yourself have mentioned that your hubby is trying to understand you now...its a good sign for you to make ur environment happy.

    basically ur hubby can know wat is right and wat is wrong but it took sometime for him to understand who is wrong...so i would advice you to be bit more patience and engage urself with ur son and household chores...

    if you are working..may be u have no time to think of all these things.
    if u r not working..better take up ur job as u r already working before its not tough for u to get one.

    its t ime for u to think of ur mom and son but anyone else or ur tragic past.

    i sincerley request you not to attemt such suicides and put ur life into troubles...that is not the only solution.

    be positive and have patience....time will show you good results....as u already saw it in ur hubbys behaviour so wait bit more.


    take care
     
  5. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Time will heal everything. Try the following

    1. Be happy for yourself that atleast now you are seeing better days.
    2. Pat yourself for coming through such tough times hail and healthy.
    3. Try to cut off your thoughts right when they come in your mind. Divert your mind to some pleasure activities.
    4. Read books on strength and wisdom.See how people have fought back and faced even tougher times. Your problem would look miniscule in front of theirs.
    5. Life is very short to resent or regret about anyone. This time with Your son and his childhood wont come back, enjoy every moment of it.
    6. You dont want to later look back and regret wasting this precious time thinking of some morons who wanted to hurt you.
    7. Spend lots of time with loved ones and friends
    8. Build your support network of friends. Friends really give lot of support. Spend good times with your friends. Like call them up for a party or visit them or plan a vacation with them
    9. Every morning when your waking, think how you are going to make your day beautiful and joyful
    10. It can be delightful to spend time with kids. Their innocence is very charming. Spend as much time with your kid and thank god for giving such a precious kid to you.
    11. Leave all your worries to God. God is very kind and he will help you sail through tough times.

    Hope these tips help!!
     
  6. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    You have to let go of your bad memories to enjoy the future. This might be very difficult to do, but it's very essential.
    Glad that things are getting better with your husband. Don't expect him to confront his parents/BIL/SIL. This may end-up in him losing the relationship with them. And you won't get any peace in the process. You will end-up having still bitter memories.

    Make it a point to prove that you & your husband can live happily irrespective of the bitter past. Keep your day as busy as possible, as you won't have anytime to think about the past. Spend much time with your son, this should be a joyful stage for you to watch him grow.
     
  7. manjubashini

    manjubashini IL Hall of Fame

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    Even i have passed through all ur situations. Pray to god when ever u get angry. DOnt ever end up in fight with Dh this creates a bad image of us in their mind. i too used to end up in fights in some situations But after that i thought y should we fight of those people(in laws) who dont care or love us.we ladies are the pesons who can lead our family in peace isnt think of it.
     
  8. RJMK

    RJMK Silver IL'ite

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    I have been through this but today I consider my self a fighter since I survived all of it..Sweetheart even you are a winner..
    Remember that husbands cannot go anywhere.How long will they stay with their parents or Family..In the end you and your son is his family so dont think anything on that track..Come to your in-laws side..I think you can stop thinking about them right away..I know it disturbs..Its the same with me...And those are the moments when I want to yell at him and call him a coward...but I dont..Only reason is that Inow it will not servr any purpose for me...I will end up messing things..
    So dear..Make a new start..Consider In laws as crap..Dont be least bothered...Concentrate on your son and plan to join work again..When you quit and stay home...they automatically consider you as slave forgetting that you are the same woman who used to work and earn a handsome salary...He will understand your worth and you will get busy...
     
  9. uvs

    uvs New IL'ite

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    hi,
    Thinking of the past,can u change anything that had happened?So whenever u get those thoughts deviate yourself doing something which u like,like watching movies,listening music,cleaning,....anything which you like to do.Even i too was sailing in the same boat,unable to forget some of the past hurts....I started telling myself daily that I SHOULD NOT WASTE MY PRECIOUS LIFE THINKING OF THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY HATES ME.It really worked now i m least bothered about the past happenings.
    Please never try to commit suicide.God has given you a good dh and a loving son.Be positive,think positive.
    My best wishes to you dear
     
  10. MSharma10

    MSharma10 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Dear friends,

    Thanks a lot for the advices that you have given me so lovingly...am already feeling a lot motivated and encouraged. Yes, u al r soooo very much right...when i cant change the past, why spoil my present and future over it?
    Abt the job scene, yup, i had applied and have also got a job offer fom one of the leading software companies which 'l be joining maybe next week....hope things are now moving slowly on the right track.

    Appreciate you all for the warmth and affection showered upon me in my time of disillusion.

    Love u all and thanks a lot....I hope I too can be of some help or motivation to anyone in their times of need like u sweet ladies.... :)

    God Bless u all !!!!
     

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