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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Kirupa16, Aug 18, 2014.

  1. Kirupa16

    Kirupa16 New IL'ite

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    Hello Friends,

    Here is my story

    I am married for 5 years blessed with 2 kids, arranged marraige with my cousin. My father and FIL are close friends and relatives.

    I am the 3rd DIL of the family and the only working and high monthly earning member of the whole family. The other 2 DIL are housewife.

    My DH is youngest son and very dear to his parents. My FIL and MIL depend on my DH. DH elder brothers do not give any income to their parents.

    My MIL is very fond of the first DIL who is envious on my working nature. My Father is well off and he like my MIL ( father's own sister) and FIL ( Friend) very much.

    When i got married, myself, my DH first brother and my in-laws used to live together. The First DIL used to make fun of me and always keeps proving me wrong in all the small household works in do. When i complained about this to my husband, he favored, the 1st DIL saying they all live together and asked me to adjust.

    My MIL also favored the 1st DIL and slowly starting complaining about me to my father. Due to this the relationship between my father and my in laws started fading. My father also was not very happy on my behavior.

    I felt sad and informed my mother about the happenings at home and how all of them tease me. My DH is a good person and he takes good care of me. He is very rude and abusing only if i question on my MIL or the 1st DIL.

    My Father financed both my deliveries and gave lot of money and gold for his grandchild and took good care of my hubby whenever he came home.

    One day my DH wanted to give some money to my brother and he asked me for the money. I told him that i have money for school admission for my kids that year and i will not be able to give him the money.

    He started behaving very rudely and hit me inside the car in the middle of the road. He went home and hit me so badly. He demanded the money to be given to his brother. I gave the money and informed about this incident one week later to my mother.

    My Father asked my FIL to meet him the next day and scolded him badly. He also called my husband and scolded him for beating me up. The relationship between my father and FIL was totally ruptured.

    Months rolled by and things became normal.

    After few months, we went to our hometown to attend a marriage. My Relative ( one another cousin) told my father that my MIL used to inform everything that happens between me and my husband to all the ppl in the family every time she travels to hometown. She also abused me, my mom, my dad using bad words. She used to make fun of me.

    Knowing this my father called them and shouted on their behavior. From that day, my DH turned dead against my father. He scolded me, abused me and my parents. He refuses to believe that his mother is spreading so many abused words about me and my family. He asked me not to see my parents and my parents should not come to visit me. He also told me that the relative ( one another cousin ) is a bad person who spreads lot of gossips in the family.

    My Observations: My DH is very innocent and dumb in understanding relationships. He blindly believes his mother and brother. He keeps teasing me but take very good care of me.

    My MIL is a lady who can twist a normal scenario into a terrifying shooter game. But, she takes good care of my children.

    My FIL is person, who is very stubborn and has a habit of bossing and saying lies to maintain his bossy nature.
    he also takes good care of my children.

    My Relative ( the other cousin ) and his wife and not trustworthy , but, they have been victims due to some incidents with my MIL and FIL.

    I want to understand if the root cause of My Problem is:

    Am i wrong in telling my problems to my parents when i am in distress
    Or is my husband wrong in hitting me for small problems because of his short temper.

    Who is really saying the truth? Did my MIL say abuse me and my family? or is my relative blaming and cooking up a ego game.

    This issue has rooted into an elders ego problem. My mother is not well and suffering from arthritis, I feel very bad that i am unable to see her or take care of her. I am unable to talk to my DH on this because he is very sensitive and he does not want me to see my parents.

    Please give your suggestions to solve this issue.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Everything else aside, your husband hitting you is unacceptable. Period.
    A grown man should be able to manage his emotions in a proper fashion. And why do you need to give money to his brother against your will?
    Your DH sounds like a typical mamma's boy, but involving parents in your problems will lead to complications. I would not tell them about trivial matters. Unfortunately you have no control over your MIL's behavior.
    However, at least in the case of the hitting incident, I don't see how any parent would have behaved differently. This is a serious issue.There is no justification for that, and if it ever happens again you react appropriately.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2014
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  3. rainbowresh

    rainbowresh Gold IL'ite

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    Kirupa,
    Never allow anyone to manhandle you. If at anytime your husband gets angry one of you must stop talking and arguing and maybe talk at a later time.
    Everyone is using u as the scape goat for quenching each other's ego and u seem to be the easy victim there. I used to think its a boon for women married within the family.... Not anymore...
    Now forget about whether or not ur MIL or cousin is lying. Don't mind their lives or their opinions about u. Don't even give a ear and listen to each one quenching their ego. They re getting back at each other.
    Think on this....how does it bother u if ur MIL bad mouths u to others? Isn't it a shame on her that she talks bad about her own family/blood?
    Don't react to all this. FIL .... Let him be the control freak we need to put up with them so don't mind him as long as he doesn't abuse or manhandle u.
    I know its tough to bottle up emotions when u re boiling but try not to react coz when you react, it becomes bitter for everyone , they get their chance to abuse/beat/manhandle u or catch u when u re out of control! U re giving them an opportunity to think that they succeeded in hurting u or ur ego.
    About husband beating u , girl u need to put down ur foot and object. One more hit and u leave home. Live with ur parents and after sometime they must feel bad and get u...(given the fact that they love ur kids and will miss the kids at least if not u).
    First try talking to ur DH.
    Why m I feeling that even after he abused and hit u, like the majority of women in India, u re saving his side saying "he is nice to me only... Just hits me when he gets angry!"
    I say what kinda MANly crap is it to hit ur wife and u re going to save his face in a group here...!
    I repeat never take hits.
    Talk to ur hubby in a firm voice saying I cannot live without visiting my parents. Be firm. Stick ur ground about this.
    Another option is to let things cool off (like normally in families they all fight one day and after cooling off for a few months they get back) ... So a sudden wedding or smthing might bring them together. Put off meeting ur folks for a short while and pursue the topic after a couple months.
    I am strongly against abuse against women both emotional and physical.
    And yeah just don't mind that other first DIL. She just doesn't matter u know!.... Who is she to spoil ur happiness when she is a nobody to u?!
    Think on my lines before u react next time.
    May the Lord Narayana bless and guide u to a happy life!
    Om Namo Narayanaya!
     
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  4. rainbowresh

    rainbowresh Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry for the loooong reply...
    Sorry m bad at saying things in a nutshell like many others do with ease ...like yellowmango! Yellowmango where r u? What ur take on this?!
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op...your husband is neither dumb or innocent.He is nice and caring as long as you keep quiet...other wise he is abusive and even indulges in physical violence.

    You say he is sensitive....but that is only for his family. No sensitive person will keep his wife away from her family because they support her.

    Dear Op...your problem is your husband. No in laws dare to harass a dil if their son takes a stand. When your husband doesn't respect you...how can you expect the 1st dil or mil to do so.

    You need to address the issue with your husband.How? I don't know...but he is the key to all your problems.

    Do the other bils treat their wives the way your husband treats you? You may find the solution there. It is unfortunate that you in spite being the financially most independent are treated this way.It is surprising that your own aunt treats you like this. What is the use of marrying within family ?

    A word of advice...don't lose touch with your parents...they are the ones who care for you .
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2014
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  6. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Your husband is not caring. If he is caring he wouldn't stop you from seeing your parents. He is nice only if you keep your mouth shut against his violence. You are the highest earning member and you are treated as a doormat, you need to grow a spine.

    Them taking care of your children is not a big deal because the kids are their grandkids.

    1. You step out of the house with the kids if your husband hits you next time. Period.

    2. You step out of the house with kids if the MIL and co-sis abuse you next time. Period.

    3. Demand respect from everybody in the house including your husband.

    4. Start seeing your parents NOW. If your husband has any issue, it's his problem. If he abuses, move in with your parents with the kids. Period.
    5. DO NOT GIVE your hard earned money more than necessary to his family.

    Unless you start some measure, you are on a slippery slope....
     
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