Need Analysis on DH's act

ShilpaMa · Jan 13, 2010

Hi Guys.. I had this scenario in my home few mnths back & I still wonder what was the reason:

Act: DH locked up the cupboard in 2nd BR first time in 6 yrs after my ILs left.
Trigger: There was huge argument bet me and DH on spending equal # of days at parents/ ILs place when we were going after years & since this time I had 2 small kids I needed his support... my father was to be operated for slip disc and wasn't in a position to travel.. infact not even my mom. This argument was in the car where he uttered a lot of rubbish & sweared on me and my family & pulling up issues since day of marriage. This low level language is exactly what my MIL practices & her typical thought pattern.

My actions post fight: I was not talking to anyone for the following week until they left.. went into my shell.. was eating only once ..meal in office & I simply never felt hungry at home for breakfast / dinner after hearing the lowest level abuses in my life... I never opened any family discussion cos I knew what level of ppl they're.

My undersatanding of his act:

He never wanted me or my parents to use that room or cupboard.

Since he passed silly comments on money being withered off he was safeguarding some money from me or my parents.

He was hiding some court documents since they again threatened me and parents for separation.

Finally : After a fortnight when he became communicable & I could get him out of his shell... he packed his mom n dad's clothes in a bag & literally dumped it into the closet above..... there was nothing more in these cupboard :biglaughdid he or they fear that I wud have thrown all that stuff out?
If so then why did this thought never came to me & also does it mean that if I'd left something at his home it wud have already been thrown out?

After this event we did visit them & that visit was just peaceful nothing more & nothing less & finally with equal # of days at each place.. just that my DH booked a vacation tour for entire days I stayed at my parents' but did accompany me on flights to n fro. I did hear his mom telling him several times on call dont stay at her house even for a day... I was more than happy cos in either homes he's only important... if he's there.

SriVidya75 · Jan 13, 2010

Shilpa

All I could gather from the incident above is that your husband didnt know how to handle his anger. Sometimes there are some unresolved things/issues/arguments which he wanted to avoid with you, however when he is being reminded of those issues whenever possible (by his parents), it becomes more tough to control those anger thoughts/feelings and at the same time the more they try to control them, they would burst out in the ugliest form.

As per me, MEN would try anything possible to keep peace at home. Sometimes they just want to hide the issues under carpet so that they dont have to deal with it. Sometimes when they know that their parents are annoying, as they cant talk back to them or feel that they have to respect their parents, all that anger gets diverted on to wife and husbands say or act in surprisingly ugliest ways..however these temper tantrums live only for short period and when they are back to senses they again feel bad.

I guess some where down the line, when you both are in good mood, do find out why he had to be so abusive and if he thinks somethings were said/done wrong by you / your parents, time for him to let go of these things as past is past and if he keeps getting those things and cant forget, it becomes tough for you both to live happily in future..so why waste time and use ugly words and spoil your marriage! just explain to him gently also if he has any complaints pls do not take your parents side but gently say past is past let it go. With this kind of explanation, even if his parents rake up the past issues again, he too would give the same explanationt to them..let go..past is past

dont worry/think about this incident and spoil your peace of mind.

sandu · Jan 15, 2010

ShilpaMa said: ↑

there was nothing more in these cupboard :biglaugh
Click to expand...

Well, are you sure? May be your in-laws kept some valuable things for their own use and asked your husband to lock it up...

On the other side, you were probably thinking too hard :bonk Take a break! I have noticed that it is we, women, who tend to be careful of our possessions. Men are not that careful; they leave their belongings here and there and never lock things up! At least not my husband does that!

Time for you to Chillout!
Sandhya

ShilpaMa · Jan 15, 2010

Srividya. .thanks for ur feedback... we did sit to sort out this ugly event after his parents left
reg being ausive he says - it happens at times & is like an accident.
The issues are beyond resolution which still provoke him (provocation source- his parents who as per his own terms frustrate him)

1) Against me owing to the following conversation bet me nd MIL in 1st yr of marr:
MIL: My poor son got nothing in this marriage , I think it was a free & no-cost marriage for you & ur father.. also after seeing this marriage I feel I infact spent more even when grooms side. "an insignificant amount of
money was spent by you during the marriage. I am not sure how a person can celebrate a marriage function, yet not spend any money."
My Reply: Yeah it was almost free.. we spent on our clothes, ur clothes, our tickets, our hotel stay almost 2L, jewellery 1.5 L & reception venue & reception ~ 2L. I dint have to get furniture or appliances as already confirmed by you. Also since this was arranged under no dowry section we assumed that there wont be any hidden expectations.

2) Against my parents - since they agreed to goto gals place for my bro's wedding.. they are the worst creatures on this earth as per MIL.. she says any grooms party who agrees to carry out marriage at gals side does so cos they're getting huge cash as dowry.. else why will any sane person spend on his tickets & not have gals side pay for food of all the ppl whose party boys side have attended till date in their city.
When the truth is my parents dint take a penny frm the gal.. she infact entered our home in the jewel we presented her.

Also his mother claims that DIL abuses them & abuses are not only meant by direct words but by indirect ways of not talking to anyone when upset, keeping a long face & banging door (this we got fixed with the carpenter as the door to my room and loo had blown out during rainy season).

There's no specific expectations from DH that I need to incorporate to make life ay better.. all spouses fight in a while and biyearly to yearly fight he also agrees is normal for married couples.
Still the reaons of fight may be nominal what turns it ugly is the basic things mentioned above and a old age thought pattern of MIL which can't be altered. Do u see that any of these 2 issues are fixable?

ShilpaMa · Jan 15, 2010

Sandhya.. yes my DH also gives all valueables to me only for a proper keep & trusts me & also knows that I am not misusing any...
But his parents fail to trust anyone... to the extent that MIL shall count the # of hangers in his & my cupboard & tell me to pass of a few to him in case she found them extra in mine.

Yes I agree I thought too hard.. and have become very weak ever since got into the cycles of preg & deliveries cos a mother with 2 kids finds it really difficult to keep pace at office/ home & hospitals... and have become a bit vulnerable to the fear of separation which is continuously being imposed.
ILs always keep cupboards locked when they're here and am least bothered abu that behaviour cos its their stuff.. wht irked me was my DH keeping them locked after they left when he used to trust me to core. ILs left him in a mental state where he was not ready to share the room as well while changing clothes.

Anyhow only I myself can get stronger in time when kids grow.

flowerlady · Jan 15, 2010

Hi Shilpama, why are you ill-treating yourself by not eating properly ? This is for you and your kids , you must be take care of your health .

You are working and still being taunted for dowry etc. Why not have a frank discussion with your DH and sort it out ? Tell him to put a stop to this type of conversation forever as its having a bad effect on the growing kids.

No bad language is to be tolerated.

Also put a stop to all this talk and fear of separating of and on , you have to develop a thick hide or give an ultimatum to DH to decide what he wishes to do-stay with you or walk out.
I am talking out of experience, when I took the bull by the horns and promised to give DH a good time in case of D , he calmed down ,as long as I wimpered and cried he just refused to listen and carried on being nasty.

sophisticated · Jan 16, 2010

Hi Shilpa,

At the end of the day men are very shallow and very insecure especially if the wife is strong and wife's family is strong too chin up and march along.

After being married for 10 yrs my hubby still keeps on digging on how much we did not give him, They insisted on no dowry , and nothing , but when they saw how much my parents were willing to give their eyes were green with jealousy and kept on making an issue because all was in my name and hubby's name and not their son's name only.
When men start talking about unreasonable things like this, it hurts but don't let it get to you. I call men like that uneducated people with fancy degrees.

natpudan · Jan 16, 2010

Shilpa,

Men in general are the Weaker Sex when it comes to fighting with women.

Many resort to use bad language, shout on top of the voice, become physically violent, all because they can't handle the situation. They by doing so deviate from the fight originally started off and find an escape route.

Not all men, but majority of them resort to.

Women remember each & every thing that happenned in the past, good & bad and tend to accuse by quoting the bad things of the past, which men have forgotten - call it convenience.

So when a thing of the past is quoted, damn it they first don't remember and are caught squarely with no proper response, hence all the drama begins.

It's always good to ignore the past, never quote the past, never ever be a reason to start an argument.

Life is so beautiful and many of us don't realize that.

I have bitter experience with my wife. She used to & is still picking a fight for a thing of the past, which I have really forgotten and not for convenience sake.

Probably one day I will write about all those here.

Do a life balancing exercise. Weigh the pros & cons of the relationship, be it husband or children or anybody else.

If the relationship is worth in some way or other, a bit of compromises have to be there. That keeps us going.

Be happy that you are in a position to analyse. Nothing is lost till you arrive at a point that there is Nothing more that can be done.

Wish you a good life ahead.:thumbsup and let me try and make my life better (not bitter) with my wife.......

ShilpaMa · Jan 18, 2010

Hi all.. thanks for giving analysis...
Flowerlady... I knew they were leaving in a week & things that were said in that house made it really difficult for me to even take a morsel in.. I was cooking for the kids & packing their food & I was eating in office.. I wud have starved myself had I felt hungry.. but tht wasn't the case... sometimes self respect shuts down my basic needs.

Yes to set my mind at peace I talked to DH dorectly.. is D on ur mind.. he said no.. then I asked him why so mch of hostility in marriage.. he says I cant get normal... point is his parents dont let him get normal.. he'd mentioned once.. my parents want us separated.. they're holdling on till am positive abut it.. so I told him when u follow wht ur mom says then how long can u remain positive abu it.. He had nothing to say further.

Sophisticated.. I guess ur right.. they never visited my place even once & always used to undermine me & my parents.. only after a yr of marrr when my DH visited my house he was shocked to see that mine was much better than his..even then I'd never said a word abu anything & probably when he told abu his experience to his mother she made sure that he never visited or stayed with my parents.. I think guys are basically foolish not to assess wht the recepeint will react once they blabber everything like a kid.

Nat, the problem in my relationship is even when both of us tend to forget things of past... also when we disagree/fight on trivial issue of today.. he tends to discuss it with his mom & then she like a typical over protective mother (always ready with a sword).... makes sure to dig graves & to fill my DH's head with stories of her convinience... each time she provokes her son with the shortfalls of the marriage ceremony and forces her thinking pattern on him. Maybe she's a typical lady who fill the criteria mentioned by you. MIL & FIL used to fight like cats n dogs day in and out & were greatly shocked when neighbours told them that they never heard a disagreement between us.
We have mostly peaceful relation & I adore him for his patience & soft spoken attitude towards me.. however when I loose this peace as well due to the MIL I feel that there's nothing more in this marriage. There were a lot of things which a person gets by default in marriage.. which I did forgo for his nature.. if thats also not there anymore then I feel helpless.