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Need Advice!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Swan, Nov 14, 2007.

  1. Swan

    Swan New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    I have been a silent spectator of this wonderful website and now, I think, it is my turn to pour out my heart’s feeling to seek out help and advise.

    Mine is an arranged marriage and we are now in the 9<SUP>th</SUP> year of our marriage. We have a daughter who is 7 yrs old. My husband is a very nice human being. He does not control me of anything. He does not control me in money matters nor anything. He respects me, loves me, encourages me, motivates me and also exploits me. He is a very soft hearted person. Does not speak loud, he takes time to move along with new people and he is a very lazy person. What he does is that he goes to work early in the morning and comes home late. His is a stressful job, I must agree. He works daily for atleast 10-11hrs. He leaves home daily by 7 am and comes home only by 8 pm or later. He is a perfectionist when it comes to official work… He is also a very lazy person outside his office. Because of his strenuous job and his nature, I take care of the entire house management and don't make just move a pin also at home. I am also working full time… Our daughter is doing her 2<SUP>nd</SUP> grade… My daughter goes to her school and when she comes back, goes to her day care.. I pick her back from the day care when I get back from work.

    My days are really hectic and busy.. and knowing my husband well, I don't seek help from him rather I don't expect him to do any sort of domestic help to me…. Every minute in a day is very important for me and I am always on my wheels running to do some work…. I don't regret it at all.. I fully enjoy doing my work, and feel that I am a very successful lady – successfully managing job and house.

    Now, coming to my problem…I am quite short tempered… I get irritated quite easily… and my husband always relishes teasing me… As such, sometimes I feel that he exploits me by making me do all the chores at home, he teases me and says that I am useless and I am not that great what I think of myself and sometime talks not really abusive words, but things like “you are not a super women.. you are not doing anything great… you are doing just what other ladies are doing in this world… you are not something special” This is very very frustrating. Many a times, I ignore his comments. But sometimes, I get really worked up with this.. I feel, most of the husbands help their wives in the household chores. Atleast doing the outside works, like banking, paying the utility bills etc. But this guy, never does anything… Every day Morning he wakes up by 6.30, takes a shower, has his breakfast and goes to his office. Comeback home after 8.00 pm, has his Dinner, watch TV / read magazine / pick up a fight with me and goes to sleep. One would be taken for a surprise that I did EVERYTHING to get an admission for our daughter in a school when we relocated from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region>. He did not share a single bit of work in that… Be it anything in our lives, I have to do it.. Else it would not be done… I have to follow up with him for each and everything… He does not even change the water can of the water dispenser when it becomes empty…. I only do it.. He confesses to me that he has been brought up like this and he cannot do any domestic help to me.. He also advises me to seek domestic servants but it is very difficult to hire a servant here bcos of visa problems… so it is not possible.

    The thing which frustrates me is that why he takes me for granted.. why does he provoke me… why does he talk bad of <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">me.</st1:place></st1:State>? He says that he is normal and these are just his playful comments… But I cannot take them as normal… Am I exaggerating??? I know it is not a big problem but I cannot take them… He upsets my mood early in the morning, the moment he wakes up… He passes comments like, “ Coffee is very horrible.. Are you making a big hue & cry to serve such a horrible coffee only?” … I take such comments lightly on most of the days.. Sometimes, I get irritated and hurt very much.. It ends up in a fight… Then he puts the blame on me and asks me why I pick up a fight with me for silly things.. Am I doing wrong?? Am I exaggerating the problem… I have also tried meditation and yoga… Nothing seems to help..

    Our fights have become a daily parcel of our lives… and I know it is not healthy to fight in front of children…But I am not able to help the situation…

    First, I would like to know, if I am at fault and I am exaggerating things. What will make me improve the situation. Kindly advise me ladies!!


    Thanks,

    Swan
     
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  2. JayaJ

    JayaJ Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Swan,

    I agree its quite irritating if you have to end up doing everything, taking care of the house and the office, your daughter and to top it a lazy husband. If he thinks just putting in hard work in office is enuff, hes very very wrong. a relationship needs lot more effort to sustain, he needs to put in double the effort to keep a relationship happy and alive.

    Its too late now to expect a sudden change in him. But, do make sure, that you give him tiny chores to do...mayb it cud b picking up the bath towel, or putting the kettle on - u have to get him to do it by charming him, telling him how good he is at doing such work, stuff like that...if that doesnt work, tell him that your also slogging like a donkey the whole day in office AND at home and you need his help to keep the house running. Divide work between the two of youand tell him its his responsibility to make sure its done.

    Why do you make coffee for him if he thinks its horrible? he can make for himself if he wants good coffee???
    You want coffee, you make for yourself. Do things for yourself and your daughter. If he asks you, tell him he can make for himself, or you will help him learn. teach him. dont let him get away with the excuse that he hasnt done any work. its not rocket science...he can start to learn this very minute.
    If your going to be picking up his wet towel and running after him, hes definitely going to take you for granted...who wouldnt? mayb if you were in his shoes, you too would have.....draw a line clearly. these are my chores, those are your chores....dont bother to help him...let him learn...think if it as you have two kids now - your husband and your daughter...

    IF that doesnt work, go on a holiday for a couple of days or weekends away with just your daughter.

    keep cool and stop taking responsibility for everything. dig in your heels...get him to do his share of work.

    take care
     
  3. Aabhi

    Aabhi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Swan,

    First of all thanks for opening up your problem with our Ilites.

    I truly appreciate your efforts that you put in everyday at home & office. We women know how difficult it is to manage both. As you've said, it feels like a roller coaster ride right from morning you open the eyes till we end up in the bed. Some ladies are lucky to have supporting husbands some may not. But that's not your fault and please don't think that you are exaggerating. No... not at all. We all humans have some kind of expectations. After all SHARING is very much needed. Iam also in the same boat like yours. I take care of everything..... i mean it everything. Right from Kid's school to paying bills.... A to Z. I use to expect a helping hand from his side and use to complain.Same like your hubby, always very busy with his office work. At a certain point, I come to a conclusion that some people cannot be changed and it's waste of time & energy by expecting. And so I decided to stop asking him and finally stop complaining. Iam glad that Iam balancing both and I do the best as much as I can and on days of difficulties I just take off and charge my batteries. So far going good. Because Iam not begging any body to help me and Iam managing it by myself.... i mean the control is in my hand as far as it's me.


    So, dont worry. Iam glad that you enjoy your work and you feel that you are successfully balancing both. This itself proves that you are good in it. Try your best in getting his hands on domestic work... if not just proceed with what you are doing and have a deaf ear on his comments. I think your hubby is trying to put you down by giving silly comments inorder to hide his inability. He doesn't want you to shine. But hey.....who cares. As far as you are satisfied with you work and you do your duty. Relax. I would say the feeling of satisfaction within yourself would keep boosting you.

    Finally....DON'T EXPECT HIS APPRECIATION and DON'T WORRY ON HIS DEGRADING SILLY COMMENTS. Regarding coffee and all, try Jaya's suggestion.

    Keep doing what you are doing..... god is watching you. Your efforts would not go in waste.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2007
  4. Swan

    Swan New IL'ite

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    Thank you JayaJ and Aabhi for your responses.

    It is very nice and gives me a good feeling to note that my feelings are being understood by other people...and that I am not wrong.

    I will try the techniques as said by JayaJ and follow the rule of not bothering as suggested by Aabhi..

    Above all, I have had a lot of peace of mind after sharing my feeling in this wonderful forum.

    Thank you Ladies
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey,After reading your post,I felt a sense of Deja Vu. I am also in one such marriage. My husband will not do anything without pushing. But in 5 yrs of marriage i have grown used to it. He has changed a lot from how he was before. I make him do things. Like fill the water filter when it is empty,Cut brinjal.little organization. Its not a lot of change. But compared to how he was before,he has come a long way. you need to make your husband do something with repeated asking. Once he is fully used to it,he will do it by himself.it worked for me. It might work for u too.best of luck.
     
  6. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

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    Ditto situation with me...so don';t think you are the only person like this. I work full time and also manage home and have a 2yrs old daughter....with absolutely no help from anyone. I do everything around the house.
    And as you said...my hubby also used to pass such silly comments like coffee etc...I gave him back nicely saying that god has given you both hands why don't you make it yourself. And he does it by himself now. He says you have not cleaned the kitchen and kept it like a garbage bin...I just say its your house too...you can do the cleaning or just keep quiet and I will do it whenever I can. And I have heard this Super woman dialogue so many times...and I cooly reply saying that sure I am....but god has only given me 2 hands like you...I don't have 8 sets of hands to do everything:)

    I think the main problem is most of the times you try to take his remarks cooly and when you get upset the nth time, he feels something is wrong with you and tries to prove that he is right by picking a fight. Try to pinch such things in the bud.You should be stern and put the things straight the first time he makes such silly comments. He will never realise the worth or work you are doing if you keep taking his silly comments lightly. You should also give a stern reply but put it the right way not like argument. But I agree sometimes arguements do crop up for silly things....and I am short tempered person as you are....I do all the job but sometimes it does gets on my nerves and I feel like I just cannot take it anymore...maybe its mostly due to stress and nothing else I think.

    Also see if you can hire a house cleaning maid or something like that. I have done that and that has releived me of a big chunk of work and also less stress. Atleast one point of arguement that who will clean the house is eliminated by that.
     
  7. GPriya

    GPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey Swan,

    It is women who r not good in anything r always appreciated by their husbands. If you are really good in handling things on your own, you are always criticised by everybody around. It seems to be the fate of many smart women including me and you.

    As Jaya suggested, if the coffee u made isn't good enough for him, tell him he is not a handicapped, he can make for himself. Likewise, anything if he comments about your way of doing, stop doing for him and make him do for himself. Stop arguing,getting irritated, fighting etc., but start showing in action by NOT doing anything for him. Also, don't be too sacrificial and don't be too much of a perfectionist too.. Do what you can and make sure you take care of yourself too which is very important.

    Men generally are a nutcase and if you use little smartness you can change his attitude, if not atleast you can make him stop criticizing you.
    Marriage needs lot of hipocrisy to succeed. Even the things you don't like about your hubby or inlaws are to be appreciated to survive...

    Well.. i guess thats enough advise for you.

    Take care, Geeth Priya.
     
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hey Ladies..

    I loved reading it all. I think I can totally relate to most of it. But I made sure I dont get victimised like that. In my case, I was little lucky that my SIL is working in US too . My Husband see, BIL sharing work with her and even my ILs keep telling my husband to help me.
    But all that is just surface level. There goes lot of tact and affection to get our man to do something for us. I totally beleive in one advice, an old Parsi lady gave me. She had this very neat house, 4 dogs and one very loving husband. So I just asked how do u manage all this. And how ur husband helps u so much in household stuff. She said. I will share my little secret with you. "Men and Dogs both need training" :hatsoff There I got my Benchmark rule in marriage. It s very very true.
    My husband is equally lazy if not mor ethan any husband described here.
    But I have made some rules for myself as well to make sure he does his hous hold work.

    - If there is anything he s not willing to help. That thing will NOT happen in our house. If he s not helping in kitchen, we are eating out. If he is not putting clothes in washer , we wont have clean clothes for that week.If he s not doing groceries, we will not have breakfast for whole week. If he s not doing his part of work in moving to new house. We will NOT MOVE.If he is not doing Vaccum clean I WONT EITHER.
    Simple. Learn to forgo things, DONT TRY TO BE SUPERWOMAN. which is our biggest problem. Why we have to try to be SUPERWOMAN. When men are not even trying to be GOOD husband forget SUPER HUSBAND. I think we all set our bar too high. and in the process we get all tired and jarred.
    Few good pointer could be..
    -- DONT OWN UP all responsibility,
    -- from day one of marriage dont try this extra goodness factor. Be normal Wife. Being normal is what we can sustain for 50 years.. not being great. So set the expectation right..
    -- And the kind of disparaging and self-degrading comments your husband is making. Just tackle them from very first time. Dont tolerate for 99 comments and shoot down on 100th one. In that case, you are at fault. when he s speaking the first wrong comment. put ur foot down. Remember by you reaction to it, you are training him . so TRAIN HIM RIGHT. Dont leave the notion that he can get away with saying that most of the time. No that s not right.

    -- In your particular case since you have trained him in undesired manner for 9 years. You have slowly un-train him and train him right. As someone mentioned, start giving some mild chores to him. If he doesnot do.. let things slip. Dont do it. Just go some day out of ur home, leaving daughter with husband. Kids can straighten father better than wife can. He will get lot more training in those 2 weeks.

    Last but not the least, Never forget to please your ownself.
    -- Always go for nice massage monthly
    -- Go for nice pedicure , manicure.
    -- 20% time dont cook. Just get food from outside.
    -- Do things which make you happy

    All the best
    Ria
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2007
  9. padmavathi m

    padmavathi m Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Swan,

    As Ria mentioned if we try to become a super woman nobody recognises us. Let us also be a normal person like any other member in our family.

    I too do all just like you do everything, run for everything in the house, whether its kids work, hubby's work, house hold work etc., etc,

    I think every woman on earth is the same, obviously there are exceptions like hubbies running for everything

    So dont feel bad for anything just ignore all those bad comments, just do your duty as a mother, as a wife nothing beyond that.

    Hey Ria, that Benchmark rule in marriage is realllllllllllllllly true yaar.

    bye
    Love
    Padma
     
  10. geeta_sathish

    geeta_sathish Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Swan,

    You have echoed the experiences of 90 % of the working women. You have received many sensible advice from our other friends.

    If its of any consolation, very few lucky women get help from their husbands for household work. Infact, if you see the thread "Top three reasons for fighting with your husband" the first reason there is husband being lazy and not helping at home.

    Everyday say this first thing to yourself and repeat it many many times. "I AM A SUPER WOMAN". It is no laughing matter to run a family, take care of your kids, cooking everyday, doing all household work and working full time. Anybody who manages this without a hitch is definitely a superwoman. So are you. Irrespective of whether your husband agrees to it or not. This is the truth. Period.

    You have agreed that other than being lazy and not appreciating you for all your efforts at running the family, he is a good man. So, I am assuming that he takes part in the decision making but leaves you to do the implementation of decisions. Take the hint from others about not doing the work allocated to him even if its not getting done. Tell him that he has to pay the bills. If he doesn't do it on time, don't pester him. Let him pay the bills with the late charges later and that will make him realise his mistake. Do the same for other tasks assigned to him. Take it from me, if you keep doing it, you are never going to bring him out of his comfort zone. Many times, even women are not trained to do household work before marriage. So, we can't expect husbands to do work, without being trained to do it. Start training him from this very minute. Don't give him the luxury of doing everything for him.

    About him pulling your legs about you not being a super woman...again, some husbands absolutely love to irritate their wives, just for fun. I am sure he appreciates all that you do, but only says this to annoy you. You either put your foot down strongly when he tries this act or take it for what it is - something said just to annoy you and leave it as it is. I know how difficult it is to implement this as at times even me and my husband have this arguement about not being appreciated. He sometimes says I'm a waste, irrespective of handling everything independantly. But I know that he doesn't mean this, because I know how proud he is of me, from the way he talks about me to his family. So, I really don't care when he calls me a waste, simply because I know its not the truth. Even I used to get extremely hyper and fight for this, but now the mere knowledge that its not true itself makes me don't-careish about his remarks.

    Don't try to do everything by yourself and stress yourself out. Don't cook atleast once a week, wake up late, go for a massage once a month, visit the parlour, do a lot of feel good things, go to the park with your kids and don't worry too much about everything being in order at home. It's more important to spend some quality time with your children and husband than to keep a very clean house like a museum.

    Cheers,
    Geetha Satish
     

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