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Need advice.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Amicable, Nov 1, 2007.

  1. Amicable

    Amicable Senior IL'ite

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    My husband and his ex wife has 11 years daughter. My husband ex wife calls him everyday, when I complain. He says, he only talks to her because of the daughter. He says he hates his exwife. But what is so important going on,so that he has to talk to the ex everyday? Sometime he tells his ex-wife about our plans also, which makes me so angry, that why she has to know everything happening in my house. He says, he tells her so that in case if his daughter needs him. I feel like I have no privacy in my life. We had fight on this issue so many times. He has forbidden me to stay away from his personal issues. He will competly change the reason for fight and blames me that I don't like his daughter, thats why I create fight. But thats not the reason, I get upset on him.

    Now a days, he compares me with his ex wife all the time that how she has ruined his happiness. He says bad things about his ex and now I feel that he has the same sick feeling for me too. He says he loves me, but I am not sure if the feeling is same. I find myself that I didn't marry to him only, I married to his ex and daughter also. How do I live with this feeling? I am getting angry and don't know how to tackle this diplomatically. I don't want that my love die for him, but he is taking me to that edge, And he is surely working hard on it. But I still want to make my married life happy. Thank you.
     
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  2. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello dear,
    This is a tough situation.
    That ex has to be thrown out of ur and ur husband's life.When he is divorced and everything is done and over and he has got married to u means that he should start a new life.I think u have to let ur elders (both parents and in laws) know abt what is happening.U should not nag or cry.U should speak v maturely.Tell them that u understand that the girl's custody has to be discussed but there is no need of so much involvement of that other woman.

    One more important thing is U should realize that U r the woman of his life.Whatever past a husband has had after he has got married he belongs to the wife.Be possessive abt him.Show to the whole world that he is yours.Hold his hand in front of everybody.Sit next to him.That first wife is no more anything here.She is just the other woman.& we wives should not allow any other woman to play with our lives.Become bold.Go to movies,park and hotel with ur husband.Even if ur step daughter comes its ok,but U have to sit next to ur husband.Dont ask anybodys permission.Start doing this and see the difference.
     
  3. gisjul

    gisjul Senior IL'ite

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    hi
    i would suggest since you are married to him now he is your husband and you are the mother of his step daughter.
    So why does the ex need to interfere. i understand she is her biological mother but you need to spend time with her as well so that slowly she will start loving you too. it sounds difficult
    your husband is giving an excuse saying because of his daughter he is in touch with her so why not keep his daughter busy with your love and attention more than the ex-wife.
    Gis.:hiya
     
  4. lilyven

    lilyven New IL'ite

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    My two cents worth!

    Hi. You are quite correct...you did not just marry your husband...now, his daughter is also yours and...you are stuck with the ex-wife. That is just the way that it is.

    I think that crux of the matter comes down to trust - your trust in your husband and trust in yourself. By allowing this to be such a source of stress for you (and perforce him), you are, in fact, giving the ex-wife tremendous power over both you and your husband. I think that you must try to have trust in his regard for you. He is married to you NOW but he and his ex-wife will always be co-parents to their daughter. This is just reality.

    By accepting with an open heart his daughter, you will help to strengthen his love for you. This is appropriate - his daughter is a part of him and your love must extend to her also. As for the ex-wife - I would not let her bother you. Who knows how much it might trouble her to hear of the plans that you and your husband have going on???

    Trust in yourself and your husband's love for you. Do NOT make the mistake of getting caught up in a power struggle over him with the ex. YOU have already won!! YOU are his wife - not her. You must try not to put him in the position where he feels like he must choose you over his daughter or vice verse. This is unfair, IMO, and not necessary. You are the winner here already...just smile and accept that and enjoy your husband's regard.

    Best of luck to you!!
     
  5. CharuKaur

    CharuKaur Senior IL'ite

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    Hi There

    i completey agree with lilyven. marriage needs some effort to work and you just need to keep your faith in yourself intact! it is important ot understand your husband's love for his daughter with his ex-wife. And it does make some sense to be keeping his ex-wife informed about your travel plans etc for the sake of the child.
    I would suggest you to be patient and be a friend to your husband rather than a nagging wife for some time. as it appears to be a low-time going for the two of you, just try to make him feel free and comfirtable so that you gain his confidence back. and then you can take it up from there. Just treat his ex-wife as another of your in-laws whom you dont like much :crazy

    Nonetheless, you would have to accept the fact that he loves his daughter as well. But thats it! you prove yourself to be mature, understanding and loving and he will definitely reciprocate!

    Hope all turns well for you
    Good luck

    Charu..
     
  6. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Hi:

    I agree with the others' advice. When one is a parent, and you get married to them, you get married to a package. The man and his kids from the ex. You knew he had a child when you got married, so you have to accept the fact that she will be a huge part of his life forever.

    As for th Ex, I know it bothers you, but as responsible parents, they probably need to talk. One thing he needs to do if he respects you and knows it bother you is......maybe you can suggest that he talk to her when you are not around. I dont mean by sneaking away, but they could finish their call when they are at work, so you dont have to see all the drama. If he respects you, this is the least he can do for you.

    There is nothing you can do abt the daughter......she will always be there.
     

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