Need Advice Please!!

SandhyaKK · Dec 16, 2010

Hi Everyone,

I am working women and marriaed on July 2010. I wish to give 1/3 portion of my salary say 10k out of 35k to my family . Husband agreed wiht a condition that I can give the money to my family after informing his mother (ie my MIL). He too gives 3/4 of his money to his family every month though not necessary.

What I feel is that Mornign from 6.30 to 9 till i come out of my house i will be working with no helpings hands from my husband. night would reach home after 8.30 and have to cook and clean.So for the money i earn i work double than my husband. added to it we should visit my in laws house every weekend ( since it is 2 hrs from my house).because of tat no week ends i can clean the house instead i will clean the house when things boil in gas(ie will put potatoes in simmer and will clean the spider web etc., )

So in this case why should i inform to my MIL, My MIL is also a woman who will show the non acceptance immediately( no matter is she dosent accept i would give my parents). I have faced many non acceptance. i cannot digest the way she shows her non acceptance to me.. tat will hurt a lot .. she wil never talka alot to show the nonacceptance. a simple look or a smile or a phrase will kill you the whole day. So if i feel something ot be conveyed i feel tortured. my husbacnd told that i am about to give 10 k to my parents.

"NOW HE WANTED TO CONVER THAT I THINK TO GIVE 10K TO MY PARENTS TO HIS MOTHER WHICH IS A MENTAL TORTURE FOR ME - PLEASE ADVICE , AM I TAKING THE WRONG WAY . DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY THOUHGTS. I FEAR TO FACE HER NON ACCEPTANCE. I DONT TO SEE ANY SARCASTIC SMILE , LOOK OR PHRASE FROM HER""

jayanaresh · Dec 16, 2010

What are you scared of dear?
That your MIL will fill your DH's ears and he will refuse the 10K to your family.

Well well------------Is it not high time to stand on your feet and ignore the looks and taunts of your MIL. Then only your MIL will know her place and be careful and give respect to you. If you keep quiet then MIL will sit on your head and dance.. So wake up.
Hi you wrote that your DH is giving 3/4 of his salary to his family, then how you two are living and running the family ..... Now OK later when kids comes then what............. Is it not high time to save money for your future and plan for you twos future...........

Both of your give 10K to your families and balance start saving dear.
Anyways think and act.............
MADURA PONNU PAYAPADATHEY............HOW COME YOU R SCARED??

harinisripada · Dec 16, 2010

She's only going to make faces... she's not going to stop you.... so IGNORE IGNORE...

And check this post of mine and more websites online and see if you can make a financial plan for your future.... without govt jobs and escalating medical costs, ensure that you have enough for your retirement and kids education

Complete Financial Planning - IndusLadies

Keep smiling
Harini

SandhyaKK · Dec 16, 2010

Hi i dont want to stand stubborn with my husbands money running into his family becoz by husband is clear that he can give money only for 2 to 3 yrs. For sure he will stop after then.

What i doubt is that should the indian ladies after marriage should first inform MIL and only then can they act? If tat is the fate then i may be taking things in a wrong way. I wanted to know whether i take things in wrong way. Even if my mom purchases some things to me my husband tells me to inform to my MIL only then she will feel good.

All these days i can feel my MIL . She is not that arrogant Lady. But she expects to be cajoled everytime. that is the one which i dont like. she needs everone in the house to inform eveything well in advance.My husband is the first one to list things in his family.After marriage he will fonot forget to list things since he thinks tat his mother will fee like he has changed after marriage. i am sure my MIL wont tell me anything regarding me giving money. She will shows the non acceptance in a smile , or look or a phrase which i dont want. But after then she wont talk or relate to anythings. That instance i dont want to face.. If i am wrong i should change the way. PLease advice.

SandhyaKK · Dec 16, 2010

Thanks Harshini PRada and Jeyanaresh for your advice.. This is not the only matter. i have several matters. So from now on I will start ignoring My MILS reactions in similar matters.

Thanks for the financial link.

reverie · Dec 16, 2010

Hey Sandhya,

All MILs are Moms to begin with, especially to our DHs.

If we think MIL as our DH's ex-girlfriend, it is our fault. If we treat her like our Mom, half the problems will be solved.(Don't come back and say MIL does not treat me like her DD<?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" /><v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" oreferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"> <v:stroke joinstyle="miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></v:f></v:formulas><vath o:connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" o:extrusionok="f"></vath><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype><v:shape style="WIDTH: 10.5pt; HEIGHT: 10.5pt; VISIBILITY: visible; mso-wrap-style: square" id=Picture_x0020_1 type="#_x0000_t75" alt="0" o:spid="_x0000_i1025"><v:imagedata o:title="0" src="file:///D:\DOCUME~1\mxs812\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape>)

Don't we like to share anything happily with our side of the family? Why do we have the double standard?

It does not hurt to tell our elders on both sides what is going on in our life once in a while. They are genuinely interested in your family's welfare. No questions about it.

SandhyaKK · Dec 16, 2010

Hai Reverie,

I dont see my MIL as exgirl frind of my DH. I can tell her.. But the question here is only after informing her should i give to my parents. Is that Rule after marriage.

shivachoubey · Dec 16, 2010

Dear SandhyaKK,

SandhyaKK said: ↑

But the question here is only after informing her should i give to my parents. Is that Rule after marriage.
Click to expand...

No its not the rule at all. You are independent and intelligent so why you need to inform and ask for permission. As for her non acceptance and her sarcasm, if she has done it with you in past then she might do it with you in future. You cannot change anyone's behavior. If you firmly believe that you are right (which according to me you are) then please stick to your grounds.

I am married and I take no one's permission and neither do I inform anyone about anything, as an adult I guess I am capable of handling things myself. There are no rules in marriage. Be strong and take a step forward.

All the very best.

regards

Priya16 · Dec 16, 2010

I really don't think,informing to your MIL is good idea at all.Because your MIL would look down your parents.You need to take a stand here.It's your family and why does he have to inform to your MIL.Take a firm stand on this and see how it goes.

Even though you win the argument,this men definitely would inform to his mother without your knowledge and also can tell his mother that ,my wife don't want to inform you.

So it's up to you ,if you think you are working too hard,then slow down and relax sometimes .Sometimes,we can't do much about the situations.

Just have a peace of mind and don't worry about that much.

reverie · Dec 16, 2010

Dear Sandhya,

When I got married, I had so many pre-conceived notions about my MIL.I had seen her making bold decisions & being aggressive towards others. I was very worried about a lot of friction. Till date I have had only one minor issue with her…That too in the first month of our marriage.
The secret lies in open communication & mutual respect. No matter whatever happens, I give her plenty of respect. I never talk anything bad about her behind her back to anyone, including to my Mom. My relationship with her has always been something similar to mine with my Mom or my Mom’s best friends. I never consider myself on par with her. She is elder and seen it all and I can always learn a thing or two from her. Does it mean she does not have any bad qualities? No...She has a few…Don’t we all have a few?
I always confided in her for anything. Even before she hears anything from her son, I always wanted to tell her about almost everything. I am a strong woman too. I went to law school, while playing professional sports....I am not seeking her permission on anything, but at the same time she is comfortable giving her opinion on anything.
Now she is 8000 miles away…Still she is one of the first few persons to know, if status quo changes in my life.
Coming to your specific question, it does not hurt to tell your MIL, unless you think you have to guard it as a secret or think your MIL as your archrival.
Did I write too much Sandhya???