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Need advice on not to think of my husband's affair before marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by preethia, Jul 5, 2007.

  1. preethia

    preethia New IL'ite

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    Helo eveybody,
    I need advice from all of you.I got married before 2 years .when i was in college i used to think that i shouldnt love anyone before marriage,i dont have any belife in love marriage and i didnt love anyone.now my problem is my husdand had loved two girls when he was in college.when he had affair with first girlfriend , she got married to another one.later one year he had anothe affair with another girl ,that had continued for few years.even that relationship didnt worked out.after few years my husbad married me.he told me about all these affairs after we got married.i know that now days its common to have love affairs before marriage.but i couldnt accept this issue,eventhough i dont say anything to my husband ,iam feeling inside.that second girlfriend is now touch with my husband ,ofcourse not regularly.once i saw i have asked my husband about this ,he said she contacted me first,she is a good friend to me and so on.he said if i dont like he would not talk to her.that time i didnt said anything,but iam feeling bad inside.but i love my husband very much.he always tells me that once he committed one relationship he would strict to that.i know he has good priciples .but still i feel bad.i dont want to think abt all this but iam getting thoughts abt all this things.could any one help me how to deal with this issue.when ever i got thoughts abt all this i would not be that close to my husband,that time he would not know why i behaved like that.

    help me please ............,how to remove about all this thoughts from my mind and be happy with my husband.suggest me plaese.
     
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  2. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: I need advice please help me

    Hello....

    Is your husband loving to you? Is he nice to you? Did you ask him to tell you about his past BEFORE you got married to him? When you decided you wont go in for love affairs before marriage, did you also decide that you will NOT marry anyone who has had affairs in their past?
    A lot of questions, answer them honestly. If nothing else, do read the spiritual and religion thread by Chitvish and also read the Golden rules for Every Woman by Shanthi (FP winner for the month of April). All that reading might give you some inner strength and an ability to see right from wrong. Shanthi's thread will make you see how many marital problems an average woman faces in the world.
    Then, sit back and think about the goodness in your life and about your worries. You are sure to see how trivial they are.
    Just watch the daily news, you will realize what miseries exist in the world.
    Lastly, if he is a loving husband who takes good care of you, I don't know what your problem is.
    Look ahead, don't look back. There is much to be done and a whole life to live.
    Best wishes to you.

    L, Kamla
     
  3. preethia

    preethia New IL'ite

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    Re: I need advice please help me

    Helo Kamala,
    Thanks a lot for ur reply ,i am very happy to see ur reply.
    my husband loves me and takes care of me.he try to understand me .ofcourse when i was in college i didnt expect anything abt my husband.i didnt asked him to tell abt his past life,he told abt all these things by himself,he doesnt want me to hear all thses things from others.i know that i shouldnt think abt his past life,but iam feeling very possesive.thats my problem.
    thanks a lot for making me to think in other point of view.

    thank you very much kamala.

    preethi
     
  4. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Re: I need advice please help me

    Hi,
    I had a love marriage. So I know a thing or two of love.

    First I don't think it is possible to love 2 girls ! Then it is not love. They were just so called flings or affairs. Good news for you. Your husband is not going sulk and wallow in love failure.

    Second looks like your husband is prone to get into these kind of affairs. Which means you have to be more strong and strict with him regarding these matters. You don't like him having any kind of relationship with his ex-girlfriend - Tell Him That. Make sure he knows that you will not tolerate these kind of friendships with other women. Yes it is possible for men and women to be friends. But with your husband's history it is better to be cautious. Not become paranoid and restrict every move of your husband. Just when it comes to these matters whenever your insticts raise an alarm let him know.

    Since he has told you of his affairs by himself and also since he has actually asked you of your opinion about talking to his ex, he will be receptive to your feelings. Dont shout at him, fight with him etc. Just let him know how you feel, how vulnerable, jealous and possesive you are and how you feel that he should be yours alone! You say that with all the love you have for him. I am sure that will work wonders for both of you.

    Being silent and passive about this matter is just plain dumb. Let him not take advantage of your silence. Why do you have to keep quite and feel all miserable inside. He is your husband. You can tell him anything. Start with this and be happy.

    Love:wave
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2007
  5. Huma

    Huma Silver IL'ite

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    Re: I need advice please help me

    hi

    both of yours answers are very good

    bye
     
  6. preethia

    preethia New IL'ite

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    Re: I need advice please help me

    Helo Shanti,
    Thanks for your reply.thanks for understanding my point,i would never shout at my husband ,by nature iam a very silent girl .i know that i shouldnt be silent and let others take advantage of it.i have to start doing that.

    Thanks a lot for your suggestion.iam very happy for your reply and for good suggestion.

    thanks
    preethi
     
  7. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: I need advice please help me

    Hi,

    Attaching for you something that i read and thought it may help yuo to understand your situation better.

    Diana:)

    Should you divulge all to your spouse?

    Planning to tie the knot? Irrespective of whether you're having a traditional 'arranged' marriage, or if your relation with your spouse-to-be has grown from just a casual acquaintance, one question that may be weighing on your mind at this crucial juncture of your life is - should you divulge all? Should you tell everything about your past relationships to your soon to be newly wedded spouse?

    Undoubtedly, this is a tricky question. If you've had an elder relative lecture you as your D-day approaches, or have been reading up on 'ways to make a marriage work,' you've probably already deduced that several virtues hold a marriage together - love, understanding and patience put together work as glue, and cement a relation.

    What about 'truth'? Is it also an essential pillar holding up a happy, lasting marriage? Or are you off to a rocky start by glossing over all the skeletons in your cupboard? Is avoiding the subject equivalent to lying?

    After all, you usually get "special" time to interact with your prospective spouse even in the case of arranged marriages. If you choose to keep mum about your past, does it say anything about your lack of interest in making your new, intended relation work?

    Apparently not. V A Abraham replies with a firm, "No way!" and goes on to explain his viewpoint, "If you share your past, it means you're remembering and carrying your past life into your present marriage."

    His perspective indicates that you should start every relation afresh - with a clean slate - without letting the past hold you back either in your mind, or in your actions. Priya Florence Shah agrees, saying "I don't think that's necessary. No need to give the gory details."

    So relax - divulging 'all' is not a must do. Certainly don't drive yourself into a tizzy in just thinking of who'll go first!

    One could however, argue that some men and women would actually ask, if not told. Perhaps out of curiosity or a genuine desire to know about past emotional entanglements. Evidently, a lot depends on your prospective spouse!

    What should you do then? Shah presents one exceptional situation in which case you should go ahead and share all, and that is, "If he specifically asks." In this case, don't feel shy or cornered, for as she explains, "If he asks, he'd better be ready to accept without judgment. Everyone has a past, and everyone deserves to be accepted for who they are, not who they were once upon a time. It's our relationships and life experiences that make us who we are. And if your spouse has chosen you, then he's chosen the person who is a product of all those experiences."

    So if speaking out leads to him - or her, for that matter - exploding with indignation, as they say, just chill. She/he may not be your Mr. or Ms. Right.

    And if sharing your past has stirred your desire to know more about your partner, spell out and rationalize the reasons for your inquisitiveness in your mind before you go ahead. Will hearing him/her out achieve anything besides satisfy your own curiosity? Ask only if you must.
     
    2 people like this.
  8. sunshine789

    sunshine789 Senior IL'ite

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    It is inappropriate for our husband to have any contact with an ex-girlfriend. His contact with her is insensitive to you, and will poison your marriage.

    If your husband did not still have contact with an exgirlfriend, then I would think that it was nothing to worry about....lessons learned from past relationships can help new relationships be better. But, since he chooses to keep in contact, I do not know what to tell you. In my mind, the only correct response from him would be to not have contact with her, and if she contacts him, for him to reply that he is married and further contact is not appropriate. He needs to think, what is more important? His contact with her, or your marriage....the truth is, when this girl is in a happy relationship, she would not contact with him.....
     
  9. Decentguy

    Decentguy New IL'ite

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    Re: I need advice please help me

    Disagree...I know a girl who had 2 BFs( Not including me just to be clear) in her engineering college. I don't think those were flings. She will kill you..:) ... She is happily married now to someone else.

    OP - There is an idiom in English. "Make a mountain out of a molehill". This best relates to your situation.
     

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