Need Advice on in-laws visiting from India for 6 months every year

sanaya1 · Oct 13, 2012

Hello,

My husband and I been married for less than one year. When I moved in with him, his parents were living with us for a couple of months. They then left for India and returned in July to live with us for 6 months (they have have a green card and are trying to get their US citizenship. The law requires that a green card holder live in the US for 6 months to be eligible for citizenship). Note that the only reason that they want US citizenship is because they will not need a visa to visit their second son who lives in Australia. My husband has confirmed that they will not live us permanently. Before I married him, he stated that they would only live with us 6 months this year, but now if seems like they will keep coming back every year (for the next 3 years or so).

I'm not sure how to to handle this. They are nice people; however, they do interfere in our arguments (my husband will argue with me in front of them). Their food habits are also very different (only eat Indian food everyday). My MIL cooks indian food sometimes, but they will not eat anything non-indian that I make. My husband now travels for work, so he is out Monday through Thursday every week working in another city. So I am basically living with his parents for most of the week. I have a busy job, but I am usually home at around 7pm.

Since they are bored (they have limited friends in the area), my husband now expects me to spend some time with them everyday. They also do not drive or go for movies / trips etc (not independent).

I'm fed-up with this situation and thinking of getting my own apartment (this will definitely upset my husband) Am I being unreasonable? Please advise.

maya69 · Oct 13, 2012

What reason will you give your husband as to why you want to rent a separate place? That you are fed up of taking care of them? Dont you think that will put a wedge between your DH and you?
Can the parents go with your hubbie to the other city once in awhile and give you a break maybe. Both with you or him they will have to be alone most of the day. You can simply say that they can take care of hubbie and same time enjoy a different place.

eandian · Oct 13, 2012

Within one year, you want to rent another apartment ---- your husband will hate you for this.

It does not matter if your idea is reasonable or not.

sparkly · Oct 13, 2012

you can ask DH to take them with him for a change ofcourse
and also try to adjust with them and their habits..because the visit is fixid due to visa and all..so there is not much you can do..shifting will be a bad decision which will upset your DH and ILS forever..you are busy thats good..tell your dh that you are not able to take good care of them..so why dont he take them..

sasikala196 · Oct 13, 2012

what i understood from your letter is,

you have softcorner for inlaws,
you are feeling lonely, because they (H, FIH, MIH) got intimacy between them (together with many years).
you are not in a position to share your feelings with anyone in the house, nor share their feelings......

you have solution in your hands, After so many years of hard work only you got the job.
in the same manner you mentally programme you brain , that 2 months time to make your house and people
happy with you , THAT IS passible to you if you take this as a chalenge.

LIFE IS CHANCE given by God.
what ever response you are expecting them from you offer to them,
ask their childhood memoreis and show inaterest and spend some time with them, you forget about you job for few days and spend with them.

ONE FINE morning you may feel proud of you , and the totaol family feel proud of you.
in this process dont forget to puT them busy by themselves,
each person have their own interest and hobbies if you encourage them, they automatically never interfere in you routies .

I WSH YOU A HAPPY HAPPY DAYS.

snm1984 · Oct 13, 2012

I don't understand why do they have to keep coming for 6 months every year when they really feel bored here.At this point anything you do to prevent this situation will pretty much backfire.But you do have to lay down some ground rules to your husband-

1)You will try your best to take care of them but he simply cannot dump the entire responsibility on you.As a son he too should contribute to the well being of his parents.But tell this in a tactful way.Like someone here suggested,he can take them to another city where he works for some days and you can take care of them for the rest.That way they will have a change and not feel too bored and you will also be free for sometime.

2)Tell him issues between you too are private,and you don't like it if he argues in front of his parents.Stop this habit immediately.

There are some ways to cope with them and reduce/prevent them from coming in the future.

1)Encourage them to be independent.Tell them in a sweet way that driving in US is so much fun than India and suggest your Fil to take a license.Tell them to go to temples,library and long walks in nearby parks,so that they don't feel too bored.

2)Constantly talk about their life in India and how great it was.Be very sympathetic and tell them you are really sorry that they are feeling too bored here.Point is make them hate US and miss home so that they don't come for solid 6 months in future.;-)

3)Is their second son of marriageable age?Subtly let them know that its high time they did bride hunting for their younger son,because its really tough these days.So let tham go to India and do bride hunting instead of wasting time here

4)Sorry for being blunt about this,but assuming you will be planning for baby after 1 year or so,be clever and tell your Dh about your concerns.TTC is a stressful period and there's no way we can try for baby when his parents stay here for 6 months.

These are some points I could think of.Good luck:thumbsup

Rihana · Oct 13, 2012

1. Try to get "busy" in your job so you come home around 9 PM on Mon, Tue, Wed.

2. Looks like your husband is going back on his word. Deal with it tactfully. Let this visit go by, since there is nothing much you can do about it.

3. A couple of weeks after they leave, bring up the topic of future visits and what compromises you, he and his parents can make. One option is rent a house. That will literally give you some breathing space.

4. Marriage is a long journey. Lots of give and take. If after discussing it with him a few times, it looks like his parents coming over for 6 months for next 2-3 years absolutely cannot be avoided, accept it gracefully while making sure husband is aware that he is breaking his word, and yet you are gracefully compromising. Do not rub it in, but make sure he is aware of your huge compromise. Somewhere down the line, you will need some compromise from him, and then having now compromised you will have reason to expect it from him, and he will have the desire to give it.

What I am trying to say is that, try your best to avoid having his parents staying with you guys. Keep the trying calm, unemotional, nagging free, whining free and with minimum of finger-pointing. If their staying cannot be avoided, accept it, and turn the acceptance into something positive for your relationship, now and for the future.

parvathi1980 · Oct 13, 2012

If they are not too bad then try to adjust. If my in laws had been civil with me I would be more than happy to live with them.

rhrh · Oct 13, 2012

@sanaya1, can u introduce them to some local indian community clubs etc. so that they will find some other indian elderly people to talk to and to spend time with, it may help u, also if u invest some time to hv good relationship with ur inlaws may be it will be helpful to u when u have baby.