Need advice on handling my family

Helpless · Dec 15, 2010

Hi Friends

This is my first post and I came to know about this forum while searching web for my problem. I need some advice on how I can resolve some of the issues in my family. Its a long post to give you complete background, so please bear with me.

I am 28-year old single guy currently in US temporarily. I have a younger brother and both my parents are in India. Although both me and my brother are doing well in their career my dad had to struggle a lot during his years. Inspite of his struggle he never compromised on our studies and I respect him a lot for that. My mother is a homemaker but she too had a tough life. She was the youngest daughter in her parents family and when she got married, she had lots of responsibilities being the eldest daughter-in-law and since my dad was struggling she often had to bear the anger of my dad. The other thing about my mom is that none of the relatives cared to share her problems but when me and my brother started doing well in our career, relatives who never called started calling-in which made my mom proud. So me and my brother are kind of lifeline for my mom and she gets hurt if someone even points anything bad about us. Both my parents do not live with my grandparents as they are in different city.

Now, I have two main problems.
1. My dad has anger issues. He would sometimes scold my mom very badly which causes tension in the family. Not only this, sometimes his actions create rift between relationships. For eg:, I had called my parents for a visit to US. My mom was taking to my grandmother (her MIL), and my grandmother had some misunderstanding and she said to my mom that you have changed after going to US. My mom replied back that I have not changed and why are you annoyed if I visited my son. Hearing this my father jumped in, took the phone receiver and started shouting at my grandmother. Later my mom tells me that she did not like the way my dad talked to my grandmother. So the issue was not so big but my dad made it big. My grandmother is visiting us now and my dad has this habit of trying to make things extra nice for her and constantly pushes my mom to behave in a certain way. Both my mom and grandmother acknowledge the fact that there is no problem between them but it is only my dad that is the problem. Now I am the eldest son and my younger brother is having issues dealing with all this at home. He also gets irritated and angry and recently sent a mail to my dad saying that my dad should stop bothering him and not push him so much that he is forced to leave the house. It is hard to talk to my dad over these emotional issues without getting agitated. I really do not know how to bring peace to my home. Please suggest what should I do.

2. I am looking to get married and I am obviously going to settle down with parents as I cannot leave them alone. However, the attitude of my dad often worries me and I think how would a new comer in the family be able to handle all this. I can't leave my mom alone with my dad and I find it difficult living with my dad. I do not know what to do and sometimes think about never getting married. Please suggest if there is an alternative.

My dad is not a bad person. He himself had a struggling childhood. There was no money and he still studied hard to build a career for himself. Whatever I am today I owe it to my parents but I feel helpless on how to bring peace to my house..

Thank You for reading my post,
Helpless.

Priya16 · Dec 15, 2010

Is your dad still working?

People have this kind of aggressive personality need some work all the time in there hands.If they have free time there mind would jump or if he liks some activities or bhajans,may be probably good to send him daily to reduce his temper?

This kind of personality,should have something in there hand to work all the time.

Helpless · Dec 15, 2010

Priya16 said: ↑

Is your dad still working?
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Thanks for replying. My dad works in insurance business and also runs his own practice as a lawyer. The problem is that both these professions sometimes involve dealing with difficult/no-so-nice people which create problems in his work. This makes him angry. He keeps himself busy but the only problem I can say might be that he runs his practice from home and so is at home most of the time although working on his computer most of day. With less responsibilities now he does not get angry as often as before and he goes to so many spiritual programs which helped him to keep silent when he does not like things but eventually he would blow up some day and forget whatever he learned in these programs. He would get extremely angry if he is under some pressure or something is not going right at home and this makes situation bad to worse.

I do not know what to do... I can't hate him and find it so difficult to love him....

Priya16 · Dec 16, 2010

This is what I feel.

Your mom and grandmother might already saw enough of your dad and they might not have same tention as you and your brother.

Is your brother studying?If so,arrange to him seperate room in the house where he get least effected by your father and let him focus on his studies.Is your father interfear in his business and instruct him?

can't leave my mom alone with my dad and I find it difficult living with my dad
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Whatever you feel but your mom would have different feelings.One day she might feel it;s tough to live with her husband but other day the same women can't live without him.For them it might have been 20+ years of realtion and that relation,it's hard to stop it.

Coming to your marraige,may be you can find house near to your parnts and your mom can have flexibility to come and live with you whenever or build some house on your exisitng house and spend time with your parents whenever needed.

But whatever the situation you had is not at all bad and some house the situations are much worst.
So you don't have to worry too much on it.
May be ,your mother might need to arrange seperate room for your dad business and also send him to more spiritual programs.That's all any one can do with that situation and when he gets super angry,just come out of the place quitly without answer and these people would calm down.

Does your father knows his anger issues?If so does some anger management would help him or some books?

ArchanaP · Dec 16, 2010

Helpless said: ↑

I can't leave my mom alone with my dad and I find it difficult living with my dad.
Helpless.
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You have mentioned, your dad is working on his anger issues. So he is well aware of his behavior towards others. How close are you with your dad? You might want to talk to him personally, explain him, how his anger effects the peace in his family and probably his own health. You can give it a try without expecting any results.

It's possible that we take our relationships for granted. Your dad might also be doing that, probably treating your mom as his punching bag. How about bringing your mom to US to stay with you for a while, that way she will have little time away from these tensions. Your dad also might start missing his wife and re-think about his behavior.

About your brother, does he have an option of living separately or moving to another city in the name of job (maybe not too far away from parents). It's better to live separately and keep your peace than to live together and loose it.

About your marriage, I would suggest you not to live with your parents at any cost, especially after reading the above lines. Your future spouse might be very understanding and patient, but how long would she be able to cope up with this kind of environment is the question?
If you want to move back and take care of your parents, you can rent a house near your parents and take care of them.

riya123 · Dec 16, 2010

OP,

How about not taking your dad so seriously?.. Basically, you have to react in a such a manner that'll make him realize that his anger is going to get him no where.. Right now, he thinks anger is a way to get people to listen to him. You need to bust the myth. Ignore bad behavior and reward good behavior. Like listen to him only when he tells things in a calm rational manner; ignore him when he gets irrational and angry (you can even tell him that you'll talk only when he is calm - and mean what you tell). You may not see any changes in him initially but if all of you are consistent with your responses to him, then overtime for sure you'll see changes in him..
However, during leisure time you can tell him about the importance of self control and the ill-effects of anger. You can give him a book to read on anger management.

My grandmother is visiting us now and my dad has this habit of trying to make things extra nice for her and constantly pushes my mom to behave in a certain way.
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This i feel is a matter between your mom and dad. How does your mom feel about your dad?.. Is she ok with being pushed to behave certain way all the while.. Your mom must have learnt in these many years how to live with it?..

I am looking to get married and I am obviously going to settle down with parents as I cannot leave them alone. However, the attitude of my dad often worries me and I think how would a new comer in the family be able to handle all this. I can't leave my mom alone with my dad and I find it difficult living with my dad. I do not know what to do and sometimes think about never getting married. Please suggest if there is an alternative.
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Since you are sensing trouble even before your marriage, then why not play safe. How about living nearby but under separate roofs after your marriage. The new girl might really find it difficult to adjust to his anger.

Happysoul1234 · Dec 16, 2010

The best way to deal with people who have recognized their anger management issues is to ignore them when their behavior is unacceptable. Generally, they use their anger as a control mechanism, or as a vent for some silly reason. Going about your daily routine without noticing them when they behave badly is the best way to make them realize the worthlessness of such behavior. This has worked for me well with my mom.

About your future wife, once you are married, she should be your primary responsibility. You should not let what is going on with your parents affect your married life. Best thing to do is to live separately, but close by, or even on different floors of the same building/house. This way, your wife will have an escape route when your dad gets into one of his moods (and so will you) and your married life will be spared from the pain and suffering that your mom and grand-mom endured.

Good Luck! You have rationalized your issues very well and I am sure you will have a happy married life!

ajain35 · Dec 16, 2010

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Helpless · Dec 16, 2010

Thank You everyone for replying.

Priya16, yes it has been almost 29 years of their relationship but everyone in the family gets low/high blood pressure whenever any such incidence happens. It seems to effect our healths too including my dad's. My brother is working but he is trying to build his career and wants to focus on it and not get bothered by these disputes. But he can't go away because someone has to be there with parents. He can only leave once I return.

Riya123, I or my brother don't care anymore but my mother still cares for my dad a lot and when he is angry she hears him and then cries afterwards. And this makes us sad. I have told my mom several times not to listen what he says but still as a wife she listens to him.

Pmahensa, the problem is that he is often irritating and a very difficult person to reason with. Above all when he starts shouting it creates an embarrassing situation.

I still don't understand what can I do to make life easier for my mom. She is really having hard time dealing with all this. My brother will be ok as I am quite sure he will leave once I return. I can also maybe stay nearby in a different house with my wife. But then what if my wife doesn't like my mother visiting us often?

SriVidya75 · Dec 16, 2010

Sir

What a coincidence? I had come across about a similar situation posted on some medical info related site...

Where the father is usually nice and loving, but tends to express fits of rage and anger, suddenly gets very intolerable, however when the father is calm and cool he appears very loving and understanding etc..

They are actually realted this to signs of dementia...something slightly related to Alzheimer's

Please try to read this book...its exactly about what you are experiencing as the author also experienced the same with his father.."Elder Rage or, Take My Father... Please! How to Survive Caring For Aging Parents"

Hope it helps you....basically I guess all our friends here gave suggestions on what they could..however I guess its going to be a big task to make your father realise what he is doing wrong or how his anger is hurting everyone..and how this would drive away his own kids away from him.

Try to read the book and am hoping it would help..as most of the times if we know how to address the anger...half of the issue is resolved!! you can take it up from there on how to convince him for treatment