Need advice on handling an abusive husband.

Pooja

I suggest you to stop nagging him on what he did or said so that you can actually be firm and stern and tell him you both will go for the anger management classes. I think BOTH of you need to attend the classes.

Comeon, what is this question???? it doesnt matter if it is once or twice or hundred times...getting physical with each other , at this age, with a small kid looking at you isnt it bad??? If you are thinking and counting the abuse and saying its ok I did just 2 times or he did more than me...such comparisons are not really helping Pooja. Remember one thing, your son will also grow up thinking such abuse is a normal thing..one here and one there...do you want him to growup with such attitude? what kind of mental tendency he will have for both of his parents???

children from abusive families tend to grow with lots of insecurities. It becomes tough for them to face some aspects of life. They get defensive for everything. So do you want to imbibe these qualities in your son???

If not, You should aim for NO Abuse..not occassional abuse.

I really dont support such husbands , who give 100 of gifts and when the right time comes they use the most hurtful words about their wives.most obscene and worst words. Where is the maturity in all this?so he can buy you a nice big gift today and tomorrow he can beat you black n blue. Will that be ok???

You both are adults, you have to learn how to communicate with each other, when you are angry/upset /love

Please STOP nagging him. Why are you telling him over and over again? once is enough and it should make the point. If you forcibly make him realise of what he has done, how much time would that sense stick in his brain?

You know such restraining behaviour from your side is also not good. Make your point and leave the scene. If you push him to a corner , what if he gets defensive and abuses you again?

Pooja
I seriously think you both need to go for anger management classes. Dont postpone this further , before it becomes a big problem.

 

Pooja,

Generally, I really love reading your advice to the ladies on TTC, in laws, DH, etc. You give so much support through your experience and it really has helped a lot of people! So it feels kinda odd for me to step in and give you *advice* as you are way more experienced than me. Still hugs to you dear <HUGS you to>and wish you a (belated) Happy Diwali. Here's my attempt at offering my $0.02 (literally!):

1. I agree with the other posters here. Your DH should not be hitting you. period. No matter what. So he's at fault there. Sit down and have an eye to eye discussion on this when things cool down.

2. In some cases, men (atleast my DH) don't believe in "returning" stuff back to the store. Once it's bought they tend to think it's a done deal and if they don't like it, it's a total waste of money. I have no idea why they have this mentality.

3. I too had temper issues at some point and would say the nastiest things in anger (that I would later regret). I realized that it coincided with a couple of things- 1. PMS/hormonal 2. Low sugar in the mornings. So once I said the nasty stuff, it was reeeeeallly hard to blame him for the NASTIER stuff he'd say back to me that was totally unjustified. So I realized, it's better for me to control myself (which aint easy for me when I'm pissed off and hurt :bang) and make it easier to expose his faults, so he realizes it without an excuse that "Oh she said nasty things too".
Similarly, try to cool yourself down during a fight, so in this case, when he said the 'lights were a waste of money', just ignore.

From your description, your DH does seem like a good guy. So tell him that the next time he hits you, you're not going to hesitate before calling 911- whether it's the 7 years of marriage or the valentine gifts... He has no right to hit you! (also please don't hit him either, like you point out, it *encourages* him to reciprocate in some instances)

 

Pooja,

Abuse is abuse, whether it happens once or one million times. So, please do not defend him by saying he has *only* abused you five times in the past seven years! Please believe me when I say that most DV cases start off as sporadic incidents here and there, and then very gradually escalate to the point of no-return and active abuse. In fact, I am shocked and sorry to say that yours sounds like a text book case of DV.

In the case of physical abuse, the abuser blames the abused for pushing his / her buttons and makes the abused really believe that s/he did / said something to deserve the violence. The abused is completely confused and in shock that his or her intimate partner could actually hit / slap / punch / kick etc him or her. Then the abuser apologizes for the abuse (while insisting that the abused 'asked for it'), and most times, the abused person forgives the abuse and subconsciously buys into the allegation that s/he really MAY have said / done to trigger this abuse. All is well again until the abused partner says / does something to push the abuser's 'buttons' again. Very soon, a cycle of violence is established, and the abuse not only escalates in intensity (slapping around, as opposed to pushing / shoving partner) but also in frequency (once a week as opposed to once a month or so). Before you know it, one partner is actively battering the other but confuses the abused partner and keeps him / her tied down to the relationship by always following up the battering with excuses / apologies / gifts etc.

Also, a hallmark of DV is that the abuser slowly isolates the abused from his or her friends & family, and also 'supplements' the physical violence with emotional battering, intended to undermine or destroy the abused partner's self-confidence and self-esteem. Most victims buy into the partner's bullying and demeaning fully because of the faulty belief that as one's well-wisher, and loved one, the abuser has no cause to tell him or her untruths about his or her talents, capabilities and capacities. This further keeps the victim in the relationship because s/he feels that s/he cannot function alone and independently in the 'real world' without the help and assistance of his or her abusive partner.

Eventually, a point is reached where the abused person's self-confidence has taken a HUGE dent and his or her self-esteem is at an all-time low! Depression and a passive acceptance of the abuse as deserved and that there is no way out of this relationship completes the cycle. The stage is set for the abuse to becomes 'routine' with the abuser feeling fully justified in battering his or her partner, especially since the abused partner no longer even opposes the abuse or even actually makes excuses for the abuse and the abuser - which is exactly what you are doing now.

Pooja, my friend, PLEASE don't take this lightly. You don't have to share everything here with us but ask yourself if he & you fit the above-mentioned profile of a DV perpetrator and a DV victim.

I also ask you to seriously consider Flowerlady's advice. Both of you need to get yourselves in marital counseling and / or anger management therapy. But, please, for Heaven's sake, do not condone his abuse. Nothing that you may have said / done is cause enough for him to batter you physically and emotionally.

 

i don't support the physical abuse be it a man or woman.

now you have realised your mistakes & claim you have come out of that.

men are comparatively weaker than the women from getting out of a bad habit - be it smoking, drinking, drugs, etc.

they need external help from family & friends.

confidence & positive behaviour from your part will help in restoring the relationship and will ensure good atmosphere / upbringing of your child.

 

Pooja

My Take on this ....

Both you and your husband have to go for marital counselling!!! so that you both know where you stand interms of communicating with each other and also how to communicate.

You both have issues, anger and communication issues. Best thing is you both dont try to justify your anger towards each other and Try to take a third persons opinion ...that too a professional. on how you can work things out instead of falling into this total rut. with time its not going to get any better. even if its the same still its bad..reason..you have a kid and you are the role model for your kid. so think about what message you are passing to your kid.

Dad slapping mom...is ok???
mom shouting back or hitting dad...is ok???
mom running into the bedroom when dad gets angry ..is ok??
dad running out of home when mom screams...is ok???

these might be very rare or once in a while..being adults we know everyone looses temper once in a while...but the childs mind doesnt understand this...sometimes its really painful and confusing to see....that today dad slaps mom and the next day dad is hugging mom...its really confusing isnt it?? for a childs brain?/

So atleast take 2 or 3 professional counselling sessions so that you both can talk to a third person privately about whats bothering you both and how you can handle it...atleast you both willhave one direction to work on this anger.

 

Pooja,

As I some times say (might be a stolen quote), "let me start at the beginning"...

First, you never ever try to handle a person let alone abusive husband.
Your title for the thread talks a lot about you: you are a confident, responsible, level headed woman that likes to rationalize everything and address your issues by yourself. In other words, you have a pragmatic approach to life and would like to solve your own problems and loves to take control of your life.

That said, the content of your thread.....admittedly you have an abusive husband. Obviously, you are torn and your brain is torn. A rational pragmatic self-confident form of you says, you are in an abusive relationship. The loving, self-deprecating part of you can only only see his patents, his brains and your weakness. Pooja, this is classical pattern of victims of abuse.

I had to read your posts a couple of times, first to believe what you said and second to confirm that you said it. One of those is "but he abused me 5 times in 7 years".......:bonk:bonk. You should read that poem about DV in another thread. It only takes on strong blow for your son to be mom less. I am sorry Pooja but I am amazed at how well you turn around to support your husband.

I cannot understand why you feel so loved if your husband supports you against his parents and family. Not all abusers cut off their wives communication systems. Some please their victims by giving them everything that pleases them. So that the victim is emotionally enslaved. If he really was setting some boundaries for his family and intends to implement the boundaries, he would have succeeded long ago. The fact that he has to support you in front of them even today, tells me that YOU NEED HELP.

Please please please do not justify staying in marriage for the sake of that child. You can try anger management for him and you, but most importantly stay safe.
Get out separate till he takes care of his anger issues.

drjp
P.S., what does he have patents in? If he is a scientist, how does he have time and energy to get angy :bonk:bonk:bonk The scientist I have seen are busy book worms that have no emotions. Think about it!!! What if...........???

 

Pooja,

You remind me of myself. I left an abusive marraige, mine was a love marriage. For a long time i defended him just like you, he would tell me that he hit me because I provoked him, and I would foolishly accept that in his defense. many times after the fight and his abuse where he would ht me black and blue, (believe me this is not a phrase, my body would really turn black and blue) it would be me who would go back to him to say sorry for provoking him and trying to make it a normal livable relationship. But that is wrong, couples have arguments about a 100 different things and no one has the right to physically abuse the other. I lived in that relationship being abused atleast once a week.

The man I left behind was also a smart guy, had a good job, was a topper in college. He was also loving, he would tell me that he was sorry for hitting me, but in reality the abuse never stopped.

i lived in it till my mother came to visit me during the 9th month of my pregnancy for my delivery. When she saw what he was doing, she went ballistic, and with the help of family and relatives, she pulled me out that marriage. Today I thank god and my stars, and belive that GOD came in the form of my mother, otherwise I dont know what would have happened to me. I would have lived on in that relationship thinking that it was my fault and that I was provking him and thus was being hit.

Please save yourself, no one has a right to hit another person, and there is no excuse for it. You unlike me are atleast smart enough to come this far to this forum for advice. I kept quiet accepting that everything was my fault, as he told me again and again.

Please save yourself and your child, you think the abuse will not repeat but I guarantee you that it will. atleast leave the next time it happens. Seeing the abuse is not good for your child as well. And the one thing I regret today is not filing charges against him being in a country like US. Please call 911 and files charges against the abuse the next time it happens.

 

Dear HM,

I salute you for your patience as well as the strength in overcoming DV.It is good that you shared the info here.It is going to be an eye opener for many girls who suffer from DV knowingly or unknowingly.