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Need advice on handling an abusive husband.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Happysoul1234, Oct 19, 2009.

  1. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi IL Friends,

    I need your advice to save my sanity, and maybe, just maybe, my marriage.

    background info : I had a love marriage 7 years ago, and have a 14 month old son. We live away from both sets of parents in a nuclear family.

    In the beginning of the marriage, I had anger control issues and when we fought, I sometimes hit my husband, either pummeling my fists into his back or throwing an object at him. He always hit me back either slapping me or strangling me. Well, both of us were at fault and he always expected me to be the one to take the blame for everything which i generally did for peace in the household. After my son was born, I have somehow managed to break my cycle of anger and hitting out in frustration but it seems he has not.

    I had the worst diwali of my life yesterday. my husband went to home depot in the morning to get some lights for diwali decos. but did not get enough. i had to go out later to pick some stuff from the indian store and swung by target to see what kind of lights they had. I called and told him what they had and he told me get kind x. I later realized kind x was only white lights and for diwali we need kind y so I got those instead (the ones with multi-color).

    when I came home he got mad bec. I got kind y and yelled at me saying I had no brains and no sense in shopping and that I just waste money on nonsense stuff. I told him I had a receipt and I will return it if it is not needed. he kept on saying I waste money . I got upset and said well just imagine that the money wasted was from my earnings and bec. I earn just as much as he does he has no right to tell me I waste money. the next thing I know is that my glasses are on the floor and he is slapping me left right and center. my son is standing there watching this and bawling his little heart out. had it not been for his bawling I don't know what I would have done. I just picked him up and took him upstairs and calmed him down.

    therefore I ended up not doing diwali prayers as a family today. I am very hurt and upset that he continues to be physcially violent and that too in front of my son.

    today I tried to talk to him abt his behavior and he tells me that I was wrong to say what I did. I said fine, but that still not not give him an excuse to hit me. he says ki by saying what I did meri jaat aur meri aukaad samne aa gayi hai. and he says he is right to hit me because that is the only way to straighten me out and set my dimaag straight.

    what should I do? I am well educated, earn reasonably well. so if I walk out it's not that I'll be on the street or anything like that. but I am worried for my son. what about him?

    he refuses to acknowledge that it was wrong of him to hit me especially in front of the kid. and he hit me again today. and tells me he will hit me bec. I deserve it and because I don't have brains and that I deserve to be hit because that is the only way to set my brains right.

    I am just at a loss as to what to do next.

    please pour in your advice on how to handle this situation.

    pooja
     
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  2. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Pooja,

    No matter what you did / said, there is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for this man to hit you. To further add insult to injury, he is justifying his abuse of you by saying that you deserved it and because you need to have your 'brains set straight'???????? I am sure that you realize that you are not only being physically abused but also emotionally?

    You are a very smart lady (and, in fact, a VERY WELL RESPECTED member here), and there is no reason why you should put up with this physical and emotional abuse. In addition, abusing you in front of your son is a strict no-no. Children who grow up exposed to domestic violence in the home are known to struggle with anger and self-esteem issues themselves. Furthermore, they have a warped sense of interpersonal relationship and grow up believing that abuse is 'normal' and, in fact, to be expected from an intimate partner. Since you are financially independent, and can support your son by yourself, and moreover, since this violence seems to be ongoing, you need to really decide if this is something that you can tolerate for the rest of your life.

    Only you can decide if you are done with this marriage or not. Only you can say for sure if you believe that he will ever change and wish to give him one last chance or not. Only you really know if anger management has been a lifelong problem for him, a problem that he refuses to acknowledge and / or seek help for.

    But here is what I would do if I were you (and this is just my opinion): I would sit him down and make it clear to him that you will no longer tolerate abuse and that the next time he so much as raises his hand against you or verbally assaults you, you are walking out and / or calling the cops on him. Then, be ready to do so. Get your financial ducks in a row, so that you can walk out at a second's notice if the need arises. This means getting & keeping ready copies of all of your son's & your own travel documents, credit & debit cards, bank account statements and safe deposits, insurance policies etc in a safe location - such as in a bank locker or at your work or with a trusted friend / relative. Set up a separate bank account for yourself, if you do not already have one, and start depositing at least half your paycheck in that account so that you have access to money in the event that you finally call it quits. Finally, confide in a friend about this issue and arrange with him or her to have a safe place that your son & you can to go to, if / when your home situation escalates and gets out of control.

    In addition, regardless of whether you opt to give him one more chance or not, you may wish to call Maitri, the local DV prevention resource for South Asians. They are located at 34 East Gish Road, Suite #200, San Jose, CA 95112. Their toll free number is 1-888-8MAITRI. Their local number is 408-436-8398. When you call, ask to speak to one of their counselors and explain your situation to them. What you cannot share completely at an online forum, you may feel more comfortable sharing with a professional counselor that specializes in DV intervention & prevention, especially as you will able to speak to him / her on a one-on-one basis.

    Please do not just let this go, assuming that he will come around and / or the situation will right itself. 99% of the time, an abuser will not simply back off and ignoring / tolerating DV will only aggravate the situation until it gets out of control.

    Pooja, sweetie, no matter what he tells you, you do not deserve to be slapped around in order to have your 'brains set straight'. He needs to get into anger management therapy. Until he does, he does not deserve any consideration or compassion from you. In fact, if I were you, then I'd make it mandatory for him to get into an anger management program as a pre-requisite for you to continue in this marriage (if you decide that you want to stay married to him, after all).

    Good luck, my dear, chin up, and stay strong.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2009
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Pooja

    It really feels horrible when the husband we love talks more crap about us than anyone else and to top it, he beating you black n blue.


    As of now I would suggest

    Seriously, Stay away from him. Even in your own house..dont even try to make /strike a conversation with him atleast for next few days. Totally ignore him. dont cook/talk/do any chores related to him.


    Take care of your son and ensure his mind doesnt have to think about this incident further. Take him to some parks or play pens where he can forget about this incident and play with kids.

    Dont cry infront of your kid/husband.

    Ensure you have a small package ready (with your clothes, certificates, your kids documents and clothes in a bag ) and keep in any of your near by friends place. Just tell them this is for safe side(dont give any reasoning/explanation)..Or keep the jewellery and certificates in locker on your name. so that you dont have to worry about them.

    Totally dont talk to him, dont answer or respond, dont even be in the same room.

    First of all you have to get your emotions straight even before you take any decision on this. thats my take on this. Get your emotions together.Then observe his reaction and behaviour. Dont give in quickly. I would say totally avoid him for few days and if he comes for any talks then make the points Malyatha has suggested. Talk to him about he taking anger management classes and that you both will take those classes.If he says / talks nasty again, let him know this wouldnt work and tell him that you might have to live separately for the benefit of your son as you wont take this abuse anymore.

    Dont cry /shout/yell. Be firm, be stern, no emotions and explain to him. Then leave it there. See how it goes from there. Whether he would be ready / not based on that take a decision.

    But really meanwhile if he again raises his hand, Time for you to really show him his place. Tell him you would call 911:rant. If that word itself doesnt STOP him:hide:. Pls do make a 911 call let him face the consequences:crazy.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2009
  4. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    he always expected me to be the one to take the blame for everything.

    Pooja, Never ever do that to an abusive husband. That will only make him stronger and more abusive. He will feel he is not at fault to all the abuse but you were asking for it. Take it from a person who has been there done that. Only in my case my in laws and SIL assured him that I was asking for all the abuse meted out to me.

    I also feel this has set a pattern in your husband and expects you to take the blame as always.Setting a pattern for abuse can always lead to disasterous results. Abuse will only increase if not stopped at the right time.Do something in that direction and be prepared in case of next abuse.

    that is the only way to straighten me out and set my dimaag straight.

    You do not need any straightening of brains and even if you did definitely not from your husband.Abusers always will say that we needed the abuse and we need some brains which need some straightening from them.
    My husband did the same thing until I put a stop to it. I do feel you need some legal intervention here too.You have a kid who is getting influenced by this .Definitely not in a good way.
    I think you can think of doing either of the two things:

    a)Move out from your house with your kid and have your husband take anger management classes during your stay apart. If by separation he is convinced to do it , let him go ahead. In case it heats up to separation /divorce be firm and tell him you are ready to do that too instead of living with an abusive husband. ( Dont worry these are empty threats as my husband and in laws did it too)

    b)Next time he abuses, please be open to calling 911 and file a DV case. Dont worry that will only make the Anger Management classes mandatory. That combined with a TPO (Temporary Protection Order) may bring some positive results.

    Do not lose heart.Gather yourself up and think about your son and make some arrangements for any future abuse. Maybe look for an apartment for yourself.Separate yourself for some time and see that there is some improvement from your husband's side. Do not ask any questions to your husband regarding the next abuse as there will be the ideal answer to that . You were asking for it??.Just walk out or call 911.

    P.S: If you read my earlier posts it will better explain all the things I have replied here to your post. Good Luck.


     
  5. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Pooja,

    My hugs to you honey, but read my post without getting upset.

    You are an adult, you have a small kid you are responsible for. So read through the posts and find out the answers in you. WHAT YOU WANT. Because end of the day you are the one living this life. Not us.

    Please take some time off. Don't go back to life before curing this disease in your marriage. Eventually it will become fatal. PLEASE take time and work on these warnings.
    immediately.

    No matter what you say, he has no rights to abuse you physically. PERIOD. What he is saying is to let go of his guilt if any left. So don't listen to it. Think clearly honey. You have only one life and so is your kid.

    In my opinion you have 2 options. You can give him a second chance IF HE follows through your rules or WALK OUT of this marriage. You are the only one who have lived with this man for 7 years. So you make the decision if you are going to walk away from this guy or see if he can be salvaged/reformed as a human again.

    You, you got to work on your anger as well. I am really surprised that a single "y kind of bulb" purchase led to this extreme action. You both are living your life at the edge. For how long? Are you really living your life happily? Is this the quality of life you are foreseeing in your future? Are you content with such a life? Please think. Why are you both triggered to react in such extreme ways so easily. Physical and Verbal abuse are very bad to a relationship. Both of you should understand that. The reason I am saying this to you? Very easy to move from one relationship to another. But unless we correct the mistakes in US, the problem will be like a shadow in out life. So see in YOU. See what is your shortcomings that you can work on. Please don't take me wrong, I am saying we should see both sides and see where we can correct ourselves to lead a simple, happy and sane life.

    I have more in my mind, will pen it down tomorrow. Please take care of yourself and think. Life is in your hands. Good night. God bless.
     
  6. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Pooja,

    There is lot that happened in your marriage, lots of deteoriation from beginning, the cycle which was started cannot be stopped as one wish

    You claim you had anger issues, you started hitting your DH first, isn't it?, then he used to revert back at you hitting, so who was at fault?

    Your saying to him was absolutely not justified, a mans dignity and ego is very badly hurt when wife says its my money and I can do what I want, esp if you want to repair a marriage or you are in broken relationship. Even in healthy relationship I know this statement can put a permanent dent in a marriage one way or other.

    Generally women would say anything, do anything and then expect men to control themselves, how? Yes Physical abuse is not right, esp in front of kid, what a mess your boy is in , my prayers are with him.

    Why were you hitting him in beginning? because you could not control yourself right? so now where is he wrong?

    just because you want him to stop?

    Now let us focus on the current situation rather than dwelling on the past, I feel bad for your diwali being spoilt.

    Your husband hitting you for saying its your money and you can do what you wish is not justified, period , and your telling him those words esp when you know the abuse history was also not right, but he may not want to move out of the marriage too, he is too frustrated with what is going on.

    you two have lost the sanity to live together, and its both of you. Dont keep the kid in this situation. It is very bad for the kid to see violence at that early age.

    Please distance yourself and move out at least for some time, its very important, and then take a stock of situation,but dont blame only your DH for everything, its not true.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2009
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Pooja,

    First off, don't feel so bad your Diwali ended that way. My husband and I also had a BIG argument yesterday, over an issue as trivial as holiday lights, and exchanged bitter words. The trivial issue was he wanted to put up Diwali stuff on Saturday and Halloween stuff only on Sunday. The kids wanted to put up both on Saturday itself, I told him to do what the kids wanted and our arg started... I lost my cool completely half way thru, broke a self imposed resolution to not comment on his family in our arguments and while we didn't hit each other, the words we used were absolutely not suitable for young ears. In some households using of such words is considered equivalent or worse than hitting each other.

    Coming to your situation, re-read this paragraph from your post:
    From the description, you have initiated the pratice of physical response to arguments in your marriage. The sentence "well, both of us were at fault" might be something he did not or does not agree with. Irrespective of what is the point of the argument, and who is right or who is wrong, the person who first resorts to hitting ends up shouldering the blame.

    After your son was born, you decided and broke out of the cycle of anger, and apparently expected your husband to follow suit since you have finally seen reason?

    Right now, I would suggest that you find a time when no argument has happened for a few days, no outside tensions are happening (extended family, work, kid related etc.), and talk to him peacefully. Without pointing fingers or laying the blame anywhere, get the point across to him that you both cannot continue like this, and both need to brainstorm how to stop it. If he predictably says it is all up to you and because of you, then, be patient, acknowledge a little that you have a temper some times, and ask/discuss what can be done in addition to you trying to control your temper. In a tactful way, get the point across that you don't lose your temper for no reason and those situations also need to reduce.

    Rihana
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2009
  8. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Friends thank you very very very much for the advice. Lots of stuff for me to think about here. See the reason why I have put up with this is because

    1. Both of us have horrible tempers and issues controlling it. I just decided not to be physical because of my child. Since I have a hard time controlling my temper I think it's unfair of me to ask the same of him.

    2. He is a wonderful husband in all other aspects, especially when it comes to protecting me from his family and also being a wonderful father to my son. He is a very loving husband too. For example this year on valentine's day I got 6 presents from him, that too in front of his mom too ... she was black and blue from jealousy. he gave me 2 presents on behalf of my son. I told him then you should give your mom presents too and he said she does not need them, I do. (MIL had a major meltdown 2 days prior and had said mean things to me). This was his way of appreciating me for my presence of mind during her tirades.

    3. These incidents have happened maybe 5 times in 7 years, so it's not as if I am being abused day and night.
    For 4 of them I take the blame, as I started the physical hitting but believe me I have not done anything the past 3 times. 5 incidents in 7 years is not a bad thing is it?

    4. I told him today he was a pyschopath who needed to be put in a mental asylum and that I was going to stay in my house and he had to leave. I also told him about a 100 times he had no right to hit me no matter what. he left the house for a few hours because I was not letting him use the tv or computer to escape from me and then came back and apologized for all his words and actions and promised never to raise a hand on me again. The thing is I just dont know whether to believe him or not.

    I think I am going to keep my cool for a few days and talk to him abt what hapened. he def. needs anger mgmt classes. see bfr he used to blame it on me saying u hit first . now he cants say that so lets see how he does.

    thanks again dear friends.

    love

    pooja
     
  9. rajalakshmigopal

    rajalakshmigopal Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Pooja,

    I like this piece of info from Malyatha.Very well said :thumbsup

    I hope you problem has come to an end Pooja..Keep the spirits up!
     
  10. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Both of you should go for anger management classes and marriage counselling together. Its honest of you to say that you too were at fault earlier but are now controlling your anger. Let your DH also learn the trick.
     

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