Need Advice On Better Parenting My 3rd Grader

In third grade, they learn both Hindi and a regional language? If so, feel bad for the kids.

Lots of suggestions have poured in. Just a few random thoughts below:
1. You are already spread too thin, close to zero down time, and stress is extremely high. Do not experiment with counseling or therapy for yourself right now. It will make you feel even worse and helpless. The issues that need addressing are not in your control. Counseling is not magic. It will not give you more hours in the day or a kinder school system. If you do try counseling for things like anger management, your childhood trauma, please choose a counselor very carefully. For example, read the FAQ at the bottom of the home page of the Banjara academy recommended in a post above. When you are at your most vulnerable, do not lay bare your innermost fears and insecurities to well-meaning but not professionally qualified people. The professionals we seek for the mind should be as carefully vetted as the ones we do for the body. You are one of my dearest IL members, your achievements over the years, your challenges, your dreams that came true and ones that had to be left, all are dear to me. Only because of that, I am taking the risk of writing such a direct suggestion as this one.

2. For the love of God, be gentler and less judgmental of yourself. You are operating on not just zero reserves but below zero reserves of energy. Child birth and the health issues you have faced are no joke. To top it you have a MIL at home who has automatic life-time residency rights but of whom you cannot have any expectations. The years of resentment (valid resentment) take a toll. And, she has the widowed young card that cannot be trumped.

3. You come home with your younger one, so even that commute time is not your own. You have never had the luxury of an argument with your husband that won't be heard by other ears. Bringing up children calls for many many arguments, yelling, blaming with husband. It calls for many long unproductive discussions after dinner and in the weekends. Parenting brings out the most vulnerable parts of us. Those baring's can be ugly. To go through that with a MIL at home can turn a saint into a devil.

4. Not much mention of husband in your posts in this thread. No need to explain. Just mentioning it to highlight what a load you are carrying.

5. Rat race is a reality in education in India. To ignore that is like driving in India traffic following all rules while those around you are not. You are being expected to provide a Gurukul environment in a Kota setting. As if changing schools is so easy. No doubt hitting a child is not right, not productive, horrible, but I find it hard to blame you in any way, as you have tried practically every thing you humanly can. For your own sanity, you simply have to back off, and leave it to natural consequences. Let the teacher scold her in class, let the teacher do whatever if beti gets 30/100 or incomplete homework. Third grade or fourth grade report card will not decide her future.

6. Learn to talk about school stuff without using words like STEM. Or folks will pounce on that and the rest of your message gets lost, including how you have tried practically everything that can be done.

7. Do what you can without killing yourself. Paru's two posts in page 1 have immediate steps you can try.

Stress is listed as a cause for pretty much any modern disease. Take care of yourself. And never, not even in the most desperate scenario, quit work. Don't.