Need Advice On Better Parenting My 3rd Grader

Something is bothering your child very much that's why there is such a drastic difference in marks. How old is your younger one.
I think you need to spend a lot of time with the elder one and talk to her about her school, friends, teachers, sister, bus friends, etc and please exclude studies for some time. You will get to know what is bothering, troubling or distracting her from studies.
Also reduce the screen time or no screen time. Mobile phones should not be given to kid. Let her go and play. Be very strict about sleep timing. 8 to 10 hours sleep is required for the child to think and act and study well. Follow these and see if there is a difference.
If you are not able to take her studies, send her for tuition classes.

 

Parentship is blessings from God.

 

Why tuitions for hindi and regional subjects only???? Send her for all the subjects. The tuition teachers have a knack of getting the studies done from the kids.
Secondly just have a word with her classmates parents and see how their kids are scoring, how are they managing studies. You could also talk with the teachers at school and ask for tips in helping with her studies.
You could also check with parents of other schools and boards and understand the exam pattern and if required shift your child to another one.
You cannot compare the our generation exam and studies with the current time. In our days we could just study one day before exam and pass with flying colours. Today, from my observation, child has to study daily, only then he can get decent Mark's in the weekly tests and only then he can breathe easy during semester exam. Otherwise it's going to be lot stressful if the parent wishes the child to get good mark.

 

Oh my God. The kids life seems pretty miserable already. More tuitions?

OP needs to watch the movie inside out 2 first. Then, pull the kid out of this school and put in a school where she has time to think and breathe and look at the world around her

 

oh my god. why are you blaming yourself. On first reading your heading, i was thinking it is some TEEN issue with severe drugs , physical.

3rd grader is tortured with so much surprise test. Also please relax on STEM. this is another nonsense . grind the kids for robotics, coding, math. there is a age for that . not in 3rd grade., this is non sense. find a different school. talk to other parents. It is ok . just work with her gradually. even adults do not work so hard.

 

Hi @Sweety2016 ,

Take a deep breath. She is just a third grader, and honestly, the next couple of years are a great time for you to build good habits in her. Do you think you can take a step back? What I mean is, what will happen if you do not push your daughter about academics for a week? Just work with her without the pressure, fear, and judgment of marks or teachers. Seriously, think about it—how would you feel? How would your daughter feel? I think both of you need a reset button. Your daughter is only reacting to your stress. I am a teacher, and I see this happen with some students. They feel overwhelmed by their parents' stress, shut down completely, and do not do their work. Please know that I am not blaming you! Not at all. I know you come from a good place. She is only a third grader, so maybe just 8 or 9 years old, right? The important thing is to help your child be a lifelong learner and enjoy learning.

A couple of things from your original post -

She doesn't need a friend in you right now. She certainly needs that parent—the one who can guide her, help her, and make her feel like 'she's got this!' and that you are her champion.

In another post, you said

Is it necessary to continue with these tuitions—more of the same teachers, the same kind of pressure after school? I would not like it either. It's something to think about. How would she be if you didn't send her to language tuition?
Also, why do you feel STEM is more important? She is a third grader and just about getting introduced to various subjects. Is she naturally inclined towards STEM education? Why do you feel languages are whatever....I am only asking because these attitudes will be visible (invisibly) to your daughter.

Imagine! Like how you feel STEM is important, the language teacher feels language is important and wants to feel what she does is also important. Apply that to all teachers and adults around your child. Now, it has become all about the adults, right?

All of the above are signs of her growing disinterest in school. Troubling her sister could be a way of asking for attention - in her mind; she might be associating 'joy' with how you interact with her sister, especially if there is no study pressure.

Can you arrange for help? 8 PM is kind of late to expect a child to be alert to learn. I understand your difficulty of managing work and a younger child. I am just thinking out loud to come up with solutions.

Does she have a favorite teacher? Is it possible to get input from her? Then, if possible, meet with all her teachers together. I do not know how many subjects your kid has in school. I think you should have a meeting with teachers and pick one or two subjects at a time for her to focus 100%—it doesn't mean you ignore others, but it helps to remind yourself to say, 'that it is all about Math this week.' When you focus like that, you get a handle on her learning style, and perhaps you can translate that to other subjects. A favorite may emerge, which I promise you will change constantly as she goes through schooling.

There is a quote attributed to Einstein (no evidence) that goes, "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

We cannot bring about education reform quickly, but we can certainly help our own kids and be their champions. I understand the pressures of modern education; you understand that, too. Keeping that pressure in mind, you as a parent, need to change. I don't think the answer is timeouts, schedules, etc. I feel she wants your attention but the right kind meaning where she doesn't feel like she is not good enough.

Finally, don't get depressed about this; don't keep pushing her or leave her to face the consequences. You are the parent who can help her child and make her feel that no matter what, you are there despite all the judgments. Showing your frustration by beating or pinching will only make her withdraw more and these memories stay at the back of their minds. Please be a little more cautious and, if possible, see how you can help your own self to reduce stress in your life. Ask for help if needed and even if not needed.

From all that you have said, I don't think she has ADD or ADHD—she is only looking for assurance. She is 8 years old; I don't think she thinks that deeply or understands; if anything, she might be confused by all the pressure others are going through around her and is only responding how she knows best -- by resisting. Let me share something that happened just a couple of days ago. I have an 8-year-old I work with whose sister is on the spectrum. She came to class yawning and when I asked her about her sleep, she said her sister came to her room and woke her up early. I responded with a, "Couldn't you tell her to go so that you can sleep more?'. You know what this student's response was - "She was so cute when she woke me up, that I couldn't resist and played with her.'? My heart melted in a million ways and more and I can tell you honestly that this is why I stick to being a teacher.

Coming to teachers, let me give you another example - I take some shloka classes online where everyone is an older adult, and I am atrocious with singing (intonation), and the teacher is picky, very picky. She picks on every little thing, and on the days she picked on me, I would cringe! In one class, she picked on another student. That lady tried correcting herself 5 or 6 times, and the teacher would not give her a break; the lady got irritated and ended up saying, "Okay, madam! Give me a break. I am trying to learn my best. Rest it now, will you?" Guess what happened? It helped me become more confident about myself despite the mistakes I make. Imagine that! At my age!! Your daughter needs that champion who says, "Ma'm we are doing our best. My daughter is brilliant, and we will work through this", to yourself and other teachers.

@Sweety2016, they are kids. Enjoy them. It will all work out fine. Trust me, I have seen a lot of children/students in life!

PS: I hope I did not come across as judgemental or preachy. If I have, my apologies. I am often told, I only feel for children!

And sorry about the long post as well.

 

@Sweety2016,

You had this issue earlier too about your older child. Did her performance go down quickly in a few months or is it a gradual drop in grades? Anyhow, I feel it is a cry for help from the child to her dear mother. I would recommend taking time out from this intense daily routine at least for a week and reset the clock. For at least one week, instead of you telling what to do to your child, tell her lovingly that you are all ears to listen to her anything she wants to share. You may be surprised once she is out with what she had to say, things may change. She might have a mental pressure to perform the best to the satisifaciton of her dearest mother which creates more pressure on her day to day activities.

Meet with the teachers and discuss with them what they have to say about her dropping grades but take it as one of the inputs in your decision making. Listen to your child more to find out what she had to say. You may find a treasure trove of information which might set the stage permanently on the right path. Her crying for attention from you is what resulted in all this, in my view. If you can take a week's break, spend a lot of time with her and make her feel she is very important in your life. She can take a break from the school for a week. It could be the environment in the school, or classmates, or even the mental pressure she is encountering to prover herself to her dear mother, or even her own simple attention seeking effort. But you will understand better only by changing the trajectory of what happens everyday.

My best wishes.