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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by cheerful, Oct 20, 2010.

  1. libra4164

    libra4164 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Cheerful,
    In your posts you have given a lot of positive attributes to your dh. Most importantly you guys like the same tv channels and movies. He does not bother you to serve him his meals,takes you out etc. etc. The only thing is that he is non interfering. He is the quiet kind.
    Can you on your part appreciate the life he has given you. Trust me according to him he feels that he has provided with everything he can, now what else do you need, to be happy.
    If you feel he does not notice you then maybe you are wrong. Remember you said if I make a mistake then he corrects me instantly. As you say you have given up on taking care of yourself; you shouldn't. Wake up, make hot coffee, bathe, dress up be cheerful!
    Do not expect him to admire you all of a sudden. It may take years but it will happen. Trust me,some people take a lot of Oscar Awards and then there are a few who get a 'life time achievement award" so do not give up!
     
  2. IamOK

    IamOK New IL'ite

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    Cheerful,

    OMG!!! Exactly my story. I have been married for 20 yrs. This has been my life for 20 yrs. I hope in addition to all that you have penned down, your DH does not lie. Even after 20 yrs ,my DH lies when he wants to meet us with friends. He will tell me often he has office conference and that they have provided him accomodation for the night. He will have a good time with friends and spend the night at their house and come home in the morning.
    We live like room mates in the house. We even get intimate only once a year now. Which is very pathetic. He does not like to communicate so talking to him heart-to-heart is out of question. I have tried many times though resulting in huge fights.
    On the other hand he is very very good conversing with friends and also is very compastionate with their problems but not with me. I don't know why? I have tried to have conversation with him numerous times but always ends up in a big fight. I like to avoid that due to kids. I don't want them to see the arguments and grow up in this environment. I have accepted the situation and living with it. Infact I like it when DH goes out for the night or goes on official trips. I try to have fun with the kids in his absence. We laugh a lot and have fun a lot.
    I don't know what to tell you or advice you. I myself am looking for great advice here. I don't know if it is worth it living miserable for 20 yrs but i am being patient. I also had a good job but lost due to the economy. I am looking for job now but still being patient. I guess i have gotten used to the life style I don't know any different.
    Sorry for the long post. Any guidance is greatly appreciated.
     
  3. KuraiOnrumIllai

    KuraiOnrumIllai New IL'ite

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    I didn't mean to say it took years. Only a few months to see a positive change that I wanted. Of course, for girls living with in-laws it could take longer.
    One thing I want to mention - when we have fights I call him at work and sing the line from Steve Wonder's song ...I just called to say I love you, And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
    ...that just blows him away. and sure, he comes home with a dozen roses.


    Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to discourage you. This is just my opinion, from my experience (I 've been married for 20 yrs also). I think, it's easier to change them the way you want them to be when you are newly married, initial years, when you both still have the fire/attraction for each other by changing your attitude. Seeing you cheerful and lively, they WILL change their outlook on life.

    After, say 10-15 years when the kids are in middle/high schools things will get very hectic and there will be barely a "flicker" b/w husband and wife. At that point, I think it will be very difficult to change somebody coz the priorities would have changed. So, I believe, a strong foundation, trust, understanding need to be built during the initial years of marriage that will withstand the test of time.

    I would not put up with a miserable life with a lying H for 20 years even if kids were involved. I don't know how you're doing it. You must have tons of patience. I don't need a roommate for the rest of my life. If I were you, I would have walked out. Ask him point blank, is he going to be like this for the rest of his life. Based on his answer, you should decide. Nothing is worse than to live in a loveless marriage.

    Nagalaxmi
     
  4. indianflower

    indianflower New IL'ite

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    Nagalaxmi,
    Thanks for input appreciate that. I understand building trust etc. Ours was an arranged marriage. He loved to drink. I had a problem with that. Had numerous conversations with him on that. He stopped drinking at home but the urge to have it out with friends did not go away although it has decreased over the period of time.
    His priorities are friends and family then me as far as compassion goes. He tries to understand his friends and parents's difficulties more than mine and helps them with advice or money when needed. If I have something to say and asks for his opinion, he does not utter a word. Anyway I have 2 teens at home and feel they don't have to see all the fights and not concentrate in their studies. I just keep my calm and keep myself busy with things I like. He does not like that at all. Keep showing faces when I say I am going to do some social work etc.
    I don't know. My Inlaws are typical thinking son is always right not supportive. My parents thank god are in heaven not having to see all this. Anyway thanks so much for your reply. Thanks God for all the patience you have given me.
     
  5. cheerful

    cheerful Bronze IL'ite

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    Good morning all of you,
    I didn't get a chance to reply yesterday.

    >>What job does Mr.Cheerful do ?
    What is his career position now?I am very curious about this. He might be a workaholic.

    He is in IT, in a senior level..Your observation is correct. He is workaholic. Right now he is into a new work..both friday night and saturday night he slept at 4:30.en....worked til t.I have no problem him being workaholic..other than that I hav'nt seen any passion in him for anything. So no complaining or nagging from my side..Me and my child went for a small outing yesterday after lunch. He worked peacefully.

    >>Does being a matured woman/wife/mother mean putting up a straight serious face all the time?? Nobody is born-matured, everyone has a child within, its not so wrong to switch between the childish and matured facets of ones personality.

    [JUSTIFY]Not really..I am not a serious type..My dad and sisters had begged me several times to be serious as I had always cracked jokes and made lots of fun whenever i visited them from hostel/work..I have been away from them since I was 17 and it is so much fun when we all meet..Even my hostel mates and old collage friends used to tel even now to do somethng fun like that as we used to do when I visit them now..But my husband doesn't like that..He is an old model...70s..hehe..My husband have a hard time for laughing when I do something funny..Sita..your hubby and my hubby are totally different make.[/JUSTIFY]..

    >>For ex, I can not run away from getting a flu shot with a cute face, my DH will tell me "thats not gonna work", then buy my fav icecream or a teddy bear and will make me get the shot. So a cute face doesn't really work there. (p.s. I am terrified of needles)

    [JUSTIFY]I can not imagine my hubby buying a teddy for me...You will find me in emergency room after that incident. He didn't even allow me to buy an ice cream when I was pregnant with my first one..If I like anything I just have to go and buy it myself..no comments about the food(like yummy..or tasty or whatever) is not appreciated..basically you just eat like an animal...[/JUSTIFY]

    I told you that i would try that face..just for fun..to again how my hubby reacts..but he is too busy..

    To me if anything needs to get done, i just have to do it by myself..making that face as in your case won't help me..

    [JUSTIFY]After marriage whatever gifts I have given him on special occasions like b'days etc, he made me to return the shops or never used or gave it to somebody. Have you ever faced anything like that? Also he never bought me anything till date. The theory is "if I you need anything i can buy it, if you need anything you buy it"..My parents also send him shirts, chains etc..on our next trip to India I will have to take it back..he would say the color was not good or some excuses.Trust me, me and parents buy him the best always..I am not worried about any of these now..[/JUSTIFY]

    [JUSTIFY]His sunsign is taurus(me aries) and he is typical taurean and also coupled with his family background i find him very introvert and egoistic. He has several good qualities, hard working , reliable, responsible, dependable etc. etc..but seriously lacks in social skills..he never calls any of his friends..it's always them call him...bt he is loyal to them.I admire that..[/JUSTIFY]


    >>My husband cannot help but laugh out loud or smile eventually, when I play childish or give a silly pout or just go hug him tightly when he is mad at

    [JUSTIFY]Jaya dear, from my heart I am happy for you, your smiley dancing on your signature is very cute..It makes me smile whenever i see it...My sonig fan of it too..If I hug my dude he will push me away saying " how many times had I told you i am not that type"..he gets mad even if I touch him..[/JUSTIFY].




    >>ilovelife---I like your promosing username too. Thank you for your kind reply.

    [JUSTIFY]You are right, mainly the missing career part was a big problem for me..I have always needed something to focus onto..apart from house chores and cooking..(I do all my housework and cooking on my own, it's not a hassle for me, it's part of our life)..Also like you said or our son made a lot of difference in our life. He helps with anything related to son, giving him shower or feeding him etc.[/JUSTIFY]

    >>your problem smal compared to them

    I totally agree with you and aware that I am lucky in many ways..but i just couldn't console myself or couldn't stop crying due to lonliness..

    >>KuraiOnnumilla:>>But there is a right way/approach.

    Thank you for stepping in .That's his nature ever since I started living with him..He has some inhibitions..he is not open about anything...at the same time blames me for anything and everything..

    [JUSTIFY]Talking to my in-laws..I have better relationship with my in-laws that my husband has..If they need to tell him anything they call me ..Whenever they talk it will end up in fight..My dh won't listen to his mom or anybody. He has told me the same. If I tell my parents, my mom will keep talking about it and get worried , will even start finding more faults with him. They will loose respect towards each other eventually.[/JUSTIFY]

    Thank you again..as you said 'Open communication' is the key..But that's or main problem Nagalaxmi.

    [JUSTIFY]Dear Libra,I do appreciate what he has given me..trust me it was miserable with him in the beginning..He had so much infriority complex..as my parents broght up us with so much love and affection and comfort..So he never took me any good restaurents, or never bought me anything....The only outside food that he bought was $1 Mcdonald sandwitch...though I have been woking he didn't allow me to even buy mattress for us to sleep. He said it is not required and we slept on the floor..It has been changed and it took lot of time...but still whatever we buy for home..like furniture it has to be of his choice..If i say this is what I like , he never appreciated that and told me that I like only expenvive things..Honestly I look for quality..not the price..again I gave up on choosing anything that I like.Also he never admired anything on me since day one..he has always been like this..even worse..But thank you I will start making me happy again..[/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2010
  6. gjaya

    gjaya Silver IL'ite

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    Cheerful, I have read and re-read this entire thread, and your latest response....I am sorry to say but I don't think your husband really "loves" you. Yeah he cares for you maybe in his own way but does not really know how to be affectionate. Maybe he loves you but is unable to display anything and we really don't know what is holding him back. I really understand what you are feeling, if I were you I would go mad already if my husband just did not reciprocate feelings.

    I know its hard to live with someone who really is like a room-mate...but he is your husband and I guess despite you talking to him regarding your loneliness or depression he has already said he won't change it, so you start making yourself happy.

    Start making some friends, you can join a Mom's meet up group and can hang out with some other Moms in your locality who have children about the same age as yours. You already said you have some hobbies, so enjoy doing that. Arrange get together outside with your other girl friends like once every month or so.....you said he takes care of your Son nicely so you could make him babysit and you go out.

    See when you display your positive cheerful side of yours not to him but to your hobby to your girlfriends, may be one day he will realize and hopefully change.
     
  7. libra4164

    libra4164 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear,
    My hugs to you for going through such rough times. Trust me we are all trying to make you feel better in our own ways.Believe it or not we all go through situations in our life; with different intensities. The pain that you are going through we cannot take away or give you a mantra. I even know that you will never be able to get used to his nature.But trust me you are lucky to have kids. When they grow up they are like pillars in our lives.
    Luckily we have this forum to pour our hearts out. Write down all your worries, or talk to a trustworthy friend. It helps. It is very rare that we click with somebody. Now to find this kind of a friendly and fun loving dh is also rare. Give lots of love to your child. Make him a better person, put him in a lot of extra curricular activities, so that he becomes a confident person. Hope for the best in life. It will happen!
     
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  8. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    OMG cheerful, you have more issues than simple communication gap here.

    Your OP gave an impression that your H was ok in every other way, hence I suggested cute ways to fix it. But if your H is being so insensitive, that is a big problem and it needs to be worked on first.

    Not buying you an icecream when pregnant :shock: ... oh dear!!

    I can't think of anything to suggest right now, will come up with something later... but for now, hugs to you dear!!!
     
  9. KuraiOnrumIllai

    KuraiOnrumIllai New IL'ite

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    Indianflower, are you and IamOK the same person? I just want to make sure I am answering one post and not confusing 2 different problems/persons.

    I think you should also compromise. Why not allow him to drink at home like once a week no more than 2 drinks something like that. Definitely no staying overnight with friends. Try to negotiate.

    He doesn't make you happy and he doesn't like you if you engage in activities that makes you happy? What does he want from you? Does his friends' wives know about his behavior?


    >>We even get intimate only once a year now.

    This is unacceptable. Are you sure he is not getting it from outside?
     
  10. KuraiOnrumIllai

    KuraiOnrumIllai New IL'ite

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    He gets mad at you if you touch him? Seriously? Have you tried saying that to him when he touches you?

    Now that you are pregnant does he do things like touching the belly to feel the baby kicking and talk to the baby... things like that? Your post remind me of the oldies in my family - the ladies do their duty, men do their duty...repeat. No talking, no jokes, no laugh, nothing. Just breathe, eat and be alive. You both live like those 75, 85 year old couples who have seen/done everything in life.

    You both have so much life ahead of you. Don't give up. He is probably under enormous stress. It appears that he is one-dimensional and not capable of handling stress. It all comes down to communication. You have to keep poking gently to find out. Ask him what you can do to reduce his stress so that he will spend more time with you. Try to initiate a conversation when he is free from work. When he is busy just leave him alone. Make a list of what is important to you and what you expect out of him. Prioritize and ask him what he can do or at least if he can make an effort to do it. Based on his answer, at some point you have to decide. And, never stop caring for yourself. If he doesn't notice you. That's OK. Do it for yourself. Take care of your physical apprearance.

    Nagalaxmi
     

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