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Need a happy Future!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Deepa82, Dec 25, 2007.

  1. Deepa82

    Deepa82 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I am a new member here and I exclusively registered here to get help and guidance from all the good ladies out there!!!
    Will detail my problems.Pls do help me with ur valuable suggestions and advice.
    I am married for 4 yrs and have a 2 yr old son.
    Before my marriage i had an affair which lasted not even for 4 months.the person was someone whom i knew since i was a kid.He was my brothers friend and my family knew him very well from his school days.But he expressed his love for me during my college days and since i knew him very well ,i did reciprocate.But fate had somethin else in store for us.His dad went ill and he had other commitments for which he had to give priority and so we gracefully parted.My parents also know abt this.
    My hubby before marriage was another well wisher of mine and he knew all abt the affair and after college his parents came home with the proposal for marriage.I was not in a mental state to decide whether i shld get married or not.I just did not have any expectations.Since i cldnt marry the person i loved i was not interested in getting married.But my hubby convinced that all wil work out well and since he knew everything I decided so let it be him.
    After marriage ,say in 2 months time,trouble started cropping in.I was not workign at that time and was a full time housewife.My hubby used to come back from office and used to check all the rooms and always carries a suspicious look.We used to live in a flat and ther used to be bachelors there.He always had suspicion that i talk to them or i look at them.Whereas i dont know who lives next door also.I was hurt at his attitude...i was veryhurt.He always suspected me.To the extent that one friday evening he came home and went to the bedroom straight and took the pillow and kept searching for something.i asked him waht and he took a hair strand from there and asked me "who's is this?" .I opened my mouth in disbelief and shock.I cldnt comprehend what he was trying to prove.Then he said that he had cleaned the bed before he went and so if this hair strand has come now then it means someone visited me...!! Can u believ this!!? My parents had brought me up with so much love and so much values instilled that anyone in my neighbourhood will give me and my brother as an example for good kids.
    And my hubby's attitude was so much of a shock to me! I cried so much that day..and he kept questioning and i lost my temper.No wife will accept such a question from her husband.Then by night he came and apologised.Like this ther came many fights between us and my married life became hell.I used to make calls home frantically and he used to pulll the phone and tell my parents to file a divorce.His parents never knew anythin abt this.My dad became heart broken seeing my life like this and my bther kept tellign me to leave him and coem.But when my hubby apologises i tend to forgive him but the wound is still there.
    We have had fights and it went to physical abuse.He hit me and i hit back ....once i lost my control and took a knife and said next time he accuses me of infidelity then i will stab him...!! I just cldnt control ....!!My life went like hell...!!! But each time he says like this...he later comes and apologises.he used to doubt with everyone arnd my neighbourhood...not sparing th 60 yrd old houseowner!!!

    Then i got an offer from an IT company and i joind that and my posting was somewhere else and so had to stay in a hostel.He used to call me and keep asking "with whom are u going arnd" and he never gave me peace of mind.I just pushed aside all that and concentrated on work.I wanted to live for my parents and do lots for them.After sometime i got posted to the place where we live and then i got pregnant.So things stopped for a while.But when i was 3'rd month carrying..and i was dehydrated due to vomiting and was lying down at night 11.00.suddenly my hubby woke me up and showed a paper and asked me what is this? I asked "what"and then looked at the paper.The paper was some recipet for a toll gate payment and the place mentioned was something which i have never heard of.He said he got it near the window.I said i dont know and told him to allow me to sleep...i was dead tired.He kept quesitoning me...There were lots of chances for the paper to have come in from the flats above our floor.But he ws not ready to believe tht.And after some time he left the topic and i slept crying!!!
    Then after the delivery there werent much fights and now ...i am stayin at my mothers place.He is in another city.I visited him a month back and was there for a week and then i came home and now working.He called up one day and said that the week i visited him he had counted the number of condoms and now itseems one is missing.I got was totally shocked.I was like...what are u tryin to tell me?I told him.."u stay there alon and i shld suspect u and instead u are suspecting me."He wanted an answer...and cut the phone.And after 2 days he agan called and everyhitng was normal.Now yday night he called me at 12.00...i was sleepign with my son..and first he said whether there is any christams carol there and his tone was normal.I said...Pls...lets talk morrow...our son is sleeping and me too not well bcuase of cough and cold.He said ok and cut the call and again after 5 mts he called and asked "How are u able to cheat me...like this" I was confused...i asked what happend?He said..."i am maintaning an excel sheet and in that i have written the days we have had sex when u visited me and in that it does not tally with the no: of condoms" I was taken aback and i screamed at him and cut the call..!!!
    And I just dont know waht to do...!!
    My love for him has drained out and there is nothign between us except for the kid!!My kid loves him and he too is lovable towards him and also to me and sometimes his personality changes and he accuses me off all possible things!!!
    So many times i have gone on the verge too divorce...but thinking abt my parents and what the society will tell them and me...i used to stop...but now..i dont want him to take me for grantd...!!
    I want him tob sorry for what he has been doing to me...!!!
    Pls..help me take a decision....!!!
     
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  2. presci

    presci Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Deepa,
    Very sorry to read about your married life. A person can live even with a poverty stricken man, but it is difficult to live with a suspicious character as there is no end to his suspicion. You have to sit and discuss with your family members as they will guide you better. It is always the girl's parents who suffer more . You are independent now and have a son, lucky its a son.
    I pray to GOD so that you overcome your peril and to take a good decision.
    Luv,
    Presci
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2008
  3. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Deepa,

    Did your in-laws also know about your pre-marital affair?? Talk to them too if you are in good terms with them about your situation. Let both the parents sit together and talk it out.

    As presci has rightly said...there is no solution to a suspicious mind. Be strong now you are independent too. Do something before your life becomes hell and makes you a mental/emotional wreck.

    Warm regards
    Roopa.
     
  4. iindus_17

    iindus_17 New IL'ite

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    Hi deepa,
    How is relationship with ur ILs? First talk to ur ILs ,If they know about ur affair.If possible consult good psycologist for ur husband.Take care deepa.:2thumbsup:
     
  5. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Deepa
    It is really sad to read about your married life. Once suspicious worm enters your body it is very difficult to remove it out so easily. I think you should consult a doctor.
     
  6. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I would advise you against talking to your in-laws. Usually when you bring in in-laws the problem becomes worse. And they may naturally just side with your husband and not you.

    If your husband is so suspicious about you why the hell did he make you pregnant. I don't think it is worth living with a husband like this. Instead of crying for the way he is feeling you are better off separating for him.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.


     
  7. Deepa82

    Deepa82 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    Thanks for taking time to read my suffering!I do understand that all u can do is empathize for me!
    Answering to some of ur questions...Talking to my inlaws is not going to make any difference because,my hubby doesnt not have a good relation with them.In the sense..they are jus parents for namesake.He does give them money and help when in need but i have never seen him valuing them!!Well...he never accpets their suggstions or advice! He things only he is the best!
    In my first post i mentioned abt his negatives...

    Now let me give the positives...He is a teetotaller..doesnt smoke,doesnt drink. And no other woman in his life...it is only me..!!
    I am sure he loves only me and he has only me to share all his feelings and he loves the kid a lot too!!

    When we fight and then he apologises he does take me out and get me what i want and i go with him in a very confused state ...as to very uncertain state..not knowinh which side to categorise him!
    He has showed his anger on my parents and my dad has also blasted him for his attitude...but when everything is settled he does visit me hom during weekedns and my dad also doesnt bring the topic up ...cause all he wants is me to be happy...But my father did tell me one thing...he said that the decision lies wth me and i can chose to stay where i will be happy and he will be there for support...!! Since it is a very very sensitive issue...i am in a dilemma as to waht decision to take.
    Today my hubby called some 3 or 4 times and i made it clear to him that only when he is sorry for what he has done to me and when he is sure that i am a dutiful and sincere wife...onyl then he can talk to me else i mentioned that we can go ahead for seperation.

    He hasnt called me back yet , but i am sure he is going to make calls in the middle of the night...and try to settle this! but i dont want to give in...!I was accused for something that i wldnt ven dream of doing and he still thinks he can jsut get away with that.!
    I want him to realise that he cant take me for granted..!!

    but the pblm here is ...i feel sorry for his plight and since i know that he thinks onyl abt me....i am not able to abstain from him!!! I am a devoted wife but I dont think i will b happy with him!!

    I am not the typical indian lady who thinks husband is God and take in whateve he does...I do protest but till what is the saturation limit...is somethign i am not able to understand.

    I do realise that i have written somethin which only a few can comprehend that is to put themselves in my shoes and understand the crux of what is going on in my heart!!

    When my hubby's positves and negatives are weighed...i dont know which one shld i consider him...a bad husband or a good one!! :-(

    Shld i forget everything and accept him or shld i take this matter seriously and think of getting independent..!!?
    If i decide on the latter then will I feel sorry later!!??
    If i get along with him..will i think i have wasted one life..!!??

    I am extremely tensed and unsure abt my future!! :-(

    Luv..Deepa
     
  8. Shobanag

    Shobanag Bronze IL'ite

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    Deepa - it was difficult to read about your situation. Marriage is based on trust and it is quite obvious your husband does not trust you even though you have given him no room for suspicion. The fact that he accuses you and then apologizes seems to be that he wants to believe you but is haunted by your pre marriage affair which he was fully aware of. You both definitely need counselling. It may take a third person talking to him and making him see that you are true to him. I know that every woman can only take so much. My personal opinion is that if you want a shot at a happy future, you both need counselling. Talk to your husband and see if he will come with you for a session.

    I hope it works out for you.
     
  9. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I see few missing links in this.

    - Your husband seems very suspicious of the fact that you are loyal to him. Are you very beautiful? Or is he lower in terms of looks for you. Was the ex-affair guy better in looks to husband?
    I know you would think I am asking frivoulous questions. But if you look deeper, Your husband's fears seem like he feels threatened by your appearances or your past boyfriends.He just seem to feel inadequate for you.

    - I believe trust is basic building block in marriage. However love precedes any other. So the fact that your husband overcame your affair and married you. He definitely tusted you intially. Somewhere unknowingly or by mistake, your words or actions may have invited this suspicions. I suggest you mentally revise what was the first incident when your husband started asking such questions.Sometime we miss our inadvertent actions leading to such suspicions.

    - instead of thinking about divorce, Have you ever discussed this issue at length with your husband. I understand you folks have had several fights over this. But what about talking with peaceful and logical mind. I feel too many times emotions and our reactions diverge the issue. Sit with your husband when he is in peaceful mind, Discuss everything openly. From the day one of your marriage, both of you need to revise together, which step he lost this basic trust.

    - Some habbits of your husband sounds maniac to me. Like keeping excel sheet of issues, counting condoms.. All this may be warning sign of some kind of depression or mental sickness too. These are not normal actions. When both of you have talked things , both of you may consider to go to counselling, As Shobhana have already suggested.

    I hope this helps a bit.
    Ria
     
  10. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Deepa
    What you have put up today, it looks like he is very possessive about you.
    As shobanag says you both need counselling which is very important.
    Take care God help you in taking the right decision.
     

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