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My Wife Doesn't Want To Live With My Family Anymore. I'm So Depressed.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rthor05, Oct 13, 2016.

Should I start living separately with my wife? And leave my family.

  1. Yes

    25 vote(s)
    65.8%
  2. No

    13 vote(s)
    34.2%
  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Obviously your wife is also very young and both of you need to mature emotionally and start a life of your own. That does not imply dumping your parents or her parents. You can take a small apartment close by and help develop a healthy relationship between your parents and wife. Having your independent set up will also teach you both to take up bigger responsibilities on your own.

    Your parents are by no means 'old'. Yes, they might be senior citizens but from what you say, it appears that they are still fully capable of looking after themselves - touch wood. Be grateful for that and use this time to develop a good equation with your wife. Let your parents enjoy their space too.

    This is the time to strengthen your own relationship as a couple and then family relationships which can sometimes be better done with a little space rather than insisting on living under one roof and letting things get ugly. Loving relationships cannot be forced on anyone. They need to be nurtured.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2016
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  2. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    You and your wife are very young, @rthor05. You have a long life ahead of you. Don't panic.

    .
     
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  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I'm married, age 24 / Male.

    And your wife might be around the same age. There is lot of generation gap between your age and your parents. Your wife is in the age where she wants to eat out and enjoy the life for a while and this generation is way different than before. Your mom already went through all this and she had different style of living and expectations.
    Now with women working, they don't tend spend time in the kitchen or doing chores much, because there are other options available these days. But for your mom, that is the way of making her life productive. For your wife, making her life is productive is different means.
    These days lot of women in India hire cooks and spend minimum time in household chores, so here your wife not able to meet your mom expectation where women would spend majority of there time in taking care of houses.
    If you take me, I don't do lot of stuff at home rather go and get from outside. Your mom is in generation where she wanted to do fresh meals and do lot of other stuff which may not needed but it's her style of living.
    You may be just married and your wife may become more responsible eventually but this may not be the time for her to get responsible with household chores. Probably living closer by is the option for time being and support them from outside.
     
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  4. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    You got good advise from others, talk to other elder family members like an uncle or aunt. It is happening in every family, you are not alone.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2016
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  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    other things to consider...

    Do you help your mom do house chores.
    These days it's important both men and women chip in household chores.

    If you are not helping anything at home, then have a discussion with your mom that you and your wife will help equally at home and also you avoid any unnecessary work which your mom interested.
    other things to consider, hire a cook if you have a good comfortable house to live,so you can spend that money on cook instead of going outside.
    I know your mom may not like the cook option but you have to be firm with both the ladies and understand both of their plight and come to middle ground.No one right or wrong here.Each one of them are in different stages of there life and it's difficult to do what others wanted to do.
     
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, First of all your wife is little impulsive . At the same time you are not a bridge b.n your mom and wife but just trying to maintain calm in the house. Bridge takes each side into consideration for smooth flow. Here you are only thinking of your aged parents.

    If your mom was tired why cant you help her. Why is so necessary your wife has to help her.

    Stop repeating you are only 24.You are married and you need to take responsibility even if you are 18. Instead take the logical step. Hire a cook . Nowadays I rarely hear anybody say they cook. Don't listen to anybody about not hiring . Go ahead and hire. See to it that nobody at home does anything from cooking to clean to arranging. Hire hire and hire..

    If you have own house, start constructing a small house above or take the apartment next to it.

    One big mistake was to marry somebody above your financial setup. Expectations, way of life everything differs. Your wife may feel 100 things different from her parents and you may think she is different. Either way not a smooth life.Only take steps to change it to smooth.Good Luck.
     
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  7. Adharv

    Adharv Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    You have narrated your situation very well but my kind request spare sometime for yourself and think what is going wrong in your life narrating your situation doesn't mean you have a good hang of the problems happening around you, you got to have a birds eye view. Each one of us would be able to give our views based on your writing but the fact is you, your wife and mom alone know what is actually going wrong. Things would vary from person to person. Looks like you are newly married and your wife expects some privacy and some additional time to spend with you. May be you would have put your efforts to know her concerns and make her feel good but it wouldn't have worked.

    Give a second shot and try your best to know what your mom and wife's expectations are and act wisely. Do not loose your temper and don't ever think of ending your life. Your intention is to lead a happy life don't ever dream that committing suicide is the best option!! neither you will see the heaven nor your family members. One more thing there is hardly few family without these kind of issues in realty :)

    Take a wise call and definitely this will be a lesson for your entire life and I wish you Good-luck for your well-being & happy life a head!! You can make it up man!
     
  8. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    If you really tried to solve the problem, then why it gone to such an extent. Why those two ladies were still fighting? Why didn't you stop your wife when she was walking out of the house?. Sometimes you have to be strong and take the situation into your hand. You & your Dad should have given a strong ultimatum to your mom and wife to not to fight and create an unpleasant atmosphere at home.

    Okay, understandable. You were 23 when you got married. First of all I think you are too young to get married. Again please don't say that you are not too young. The reason I said so, you mentioned that you are feeling like ending your life. This statement shows your lack of experience in life / immaturity. Do you think this is such a big problem in life to end your life?

    You have so much of life and bright future ahead. So it is a sin to have suicidal thoughts. There are people living with bigger problems than yours.

    You have only two options:

    1. Live separately with your wife if you want to continue in this marriage
    2. Leave your wife, and live with your parents.

    It is not possible to live in a joint family in your current scenario unless your mom & wife has self control to not to fight with each other.
     
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  9. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    I didnt have anything to comment initially. But then i did a double take when i saw your age. Good god, you got married at 23 ?!

    I think this explains your wife leaving in a huff & all of the fighting going on at home (including what looks like some hand to hand combat). I think it is partly a maturity problem & partly the good old adjustment issues. You guys, esp your wife, are practically kids. And the fact that there is a 40 year age difference, a huge generation gap, between your wife & your parents may also have something (significant) to do with it.
    Don't be a drama queen, now ! Nothing to kill yourself over. A lot of your problems are easily solvable if approached intelligently.
    1. If the thought of moving out is killing you, try to solve your problems by getting paid help. Please hire a cook as well as a maid and make it easy for your wife to adjust living in a new home. Relieving her of some of the household duties may reduce the interaction between your mom & wife, and consequenly reduce friction.
    2. Strike a deal with your wife that you miss her terribly and that you'd want to try this arrangement for 6months with as much additional paid help as necessary to reduce house work-related friction between her & your mom. That if still doesnt work then you can work out other options.
    3. Tell your mom to go easy on your wife, esp considering how young yr wife is & her background. Tell your mom to stay out of your wife's business (i.e no comments on her dressing, wife's spending or her lifestyle etc such as waking up late etc).
    Basically get ceasefire on the ground, hire a cook and any additional help, give spending money to both wife & mom seperately and tell each to stay out of the other's business.
    Convince wife to try this arrangement for 6m and then decide accordingly.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016
  10. SeekingMind

    SeekingMind Silver IL'ite

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    @rthor05 With all due respect I request you to kindly remove that poll you put up.
    First of all , please understand life is not totally black or totally white. There are lot of grey shades in between.

    Talk to your wife calmly about what happened. No doubt she behaved impulsively but you too did the same. When you see she is losing temper and behaving unreasonably, you just stay calm. If you too do the same as her then the result will be devastating sometimes. When one person is angry other should not react immediately. That will keep the balance. That doesn't mean you give in to her tantrums every time. After she has calmed down, talk to her about what happened and sort out the matter. You will see she is more open to hearing your side and admitting her mistake then. And, most importantly don't start such conversations with other people like your parents, her parents or others around. Just raise the topic in private....only you both in the room. This is very very important to see good results. :biggrin:

    Sleeping till 11 am is not a crime....please understand that. Lot of people compare and judge what time the woman wakes up. Maybe she was tired or just plain lazy....its her house too right?.....nothing wrong in sleeping in late.
    If you both decided to go out and eat, either you could have bought some food back home for your parents or if it would be too late by then, then try to offer help to your wife to just prepare a simple meal for them before you leave if your mom is too tired. Your wife will surely appreciate you helping her in kitchen than asking her to do it herself. You will see sometimes she will refuse help and do it all by herself gladly.:wink1:

    Living separately doesn't mean you leave your side of the family your parents totally. You can live separately and still take care of your parents.
    You guys are just married and many couples in the earlier years opt to live separately. Nothing wrong in that. It will actually help you both bond with each other more better. You can rent a place near to your parents. That way you can check on your parents and your wife also gets her space as she desires now.
     
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