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My Wife Doesn't Want To Live With My Family Anymore. I'm So Depressed.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rthor05, Oct 13, 2016.

Should I start living separately with my wife? And leave my family.

  1. Yes

    25 vote(s)
    65.8%
  2. No

    13 vote(s)
    34.2%
  1. rthor05

    rthor05 New IL'ite

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    I'm married, age 24 / Male.

    It's just a year to my marriage and my wife don't want to stay with my Mom and Dad anymore. My parents are old. Specially my dad is 65+
    My family is middle class family and her is much better than us in financially.

    Atleast once a day my wife or my mother complaint about each other to me for different problems. I somehow manage to solve it every time and always makes both of them laugh.
    But few days ago it went so bad on sunday when my wife started debating with my mother on house work. My mom was working from morning 6 am that day, my wife woke at 11 am and asking me let's go outside after her tea. Mom called me and asked me who will cook now? I'm so tired. I immediately ask my wife to help mom and then we will go outside. She went to help and she started debate. The debate went so bad that she was insulting my mother in front of me as well as throwing things like mobile, keys... I picked up the mobile phone but she again slapped my hand to drop it. It was a gift from me to her. Because of that I slapped her hand too. It was first time I slapped her, there was a reasons behind it.
    After that she went to her mother's place who lives just two buildings away from me. After sometime I went to her mother's place to calm her down. But, There she insulted my parents and me and also used bad words. As she is working wife, She said that my family can't afford her that's why we sent her for working. I really got very mad on her and almost went to slap her but I didn't and leave that place.
    In the evening she called me and said that my brother will come to collect my cloths. I packed her cloths and sent them to her.
    Again she called and said that she don't want to live with my mother and father anymore. She said If you want to live with me then take a rented room nearby, give everything my father gave in wedding and shift with me.
    I really don't want to leave my family. My parents are old and I don't know how they will survive without me.
    I'm so much depressed. Once I thought to finish of my life once and for all. So no one ever will have any problems. I want her back with my family but she refusing.

    Please help me....
     
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  2. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Who is at fault? your mom or your wife or both? what is your opinion on this?

    In my opinion, you are at fault....before marriage itself you should have checked the compatibility between you, your wife and both the families on every aspect including financial status, which is the most important one. If your wife is from a rich background, then it is not so easy for her to adjust in middle class life style.

    After marriage you should be able to balance the relations. Atleast you should have tried to solve the problems between them before it goes to the level of your wife leaving the house.

    Your mother is old, and your wife is working....so it is not fair on their part to manage the entire household work. They need a maid / cook. At the same time being newly married your wife has some expectations on you, like going out on a weekend or spending time with you.

    You need to have a open talk with your mother & wife and listen to their issues. Then you can try to solve those based on the practicality.
     
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  3. dc24

    dc24 Gold IL'ite

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    So..you think that ending your life is the solution to your problem..Have you ever thought about the aftermaths ? Will your parents be able to survive after you are gone ?
    Please never ever consider suicide as an option....
    Regarding issues between your wife and mother..you can consult an experienced marriage counsellor. If your financial condition permits so, then best is to hire a household help for cleaning...doing dishes...cooking etc.
    In any case...you must not leave your old parents at such an age when they need you the most..Like every parent, they too must have sacrificed a lot to bring you up..to provide you with a good education etc..now it's your duty to serve them and care for them..
     
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  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP
    Fights happen in any kind of marriage. Even if u have thoroughly checked for compatibility and family status. When adults from different ages and families live under one roof, these things happen. Cuz no one wants to surrender.

    Just lay low for some time n understand what went wrong. Since i am a working woman, i hate to get up early on weekends and work in kitchen. But i figure out an alternative like getting take away. The most thankful thing which my husband does in my house is..he doesnt interfere and stays calm and walk away and doesnt take sides. Ofcourse it took quite some time for him to reach this stage cuz the fights and interference is making him lose his sanity. He lets me n mil fight openly n finish it off. He doesnt console anyone, but cautiously helps each of us with after the fight..like getting food from outside or taking care of my kid.

    I dont say living separately right away will make sense. If ur wife is a spoiled brat, then it gives her wings to worse. Else, if she is understanding, then she cool down. Also, ur parents need to cool down too.
     
    sindmani, MindVoice and MNR like this.
  5. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Humor is a great way to resolve most conflicts. :thumbsup:

    Why couldn't you help your mother yourself? :confused:

    There is no good excuse for violence. :nono:

    If you are depressed and considering suicide, please see a doctor right away.

    Good luck, OP.

    .
     
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  6. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op. first of all suicide is not going to take care of your problems...nothing can be worse for parents than this....

    From you post I can not make out who is at fault, your parents or your wife.I agree with other posters here that you need a domestic help as it seems household chores are the main reason of conflicts. She is working but still blaming you that you cant afford her, so does she not want to work ?? does she want to be a homemaker??

    As par me there is no harm in living separately nearby. If your parents and your wife are not getting along together than both will get respite and peace. Your parents are old but not that old if they are not ailing from some big disease. Your mother still does household chores. You can hire a help for them.

    I think you are thinking emotionally on the topic of living separately. If you live nearby, you can take care of your parents and can visit them daily and fulfill their needs, like taking them to Dr. visits, taking care of them in sickness, shopping grocery for them etc etc.

    If you feel that you can take more care of parents while living together, than toxic atmosphere because of living together will harm them more too.

    whats your parents take on this?? They are agree to live separately or totally against it??
     
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  7. rthor05

    rthor05 New IL'ite

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    For updated information.
    I don't know why you think that I'm wrong...
    Do you think that I didn't checked the family background and all? They all were so nice to me and with my family. Everything was good until marriage. After marriage I heard couple of times my wife was complaining about my mother to her's and they were using bad word which I don't want to tell here. I kept that in my mind only, she doesn't know that I heard them talking.
    My mother is working women too. She handles everything, my wife only do the evening work even in that my mom helps her. My mom makes tiffin for both of us in morning 6 am.
    We have maid at home so no problem of extra work.
    Don't say that I didn't tried to solve issue. I tried everything. I was sleeping with all these problems taking with me every night and keeping smile on my face.

    My father told me this is the life. You have to take stone on your heart and accept everything. He telling me to go and live separately, but I know how much pain they holding inside.

    I'm just 24 I'm scared and don't know what to do. I really don't want anyone to leave me or I'll leave everyone.
     
  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I really felt bad reading your post. However, I fully agree with above posters @kcb and @dc24.
    You should not think about ending life for such matters.
    The fault lies with no one. I believe it is in communication. Please communicate your feelings, expectation and share your thoughts with your wife. Like kcb has posted.. it will be hard for a rich girl to adjust in middle-class family, is true. You should have communicated at that point your expectations before marriage. It still is not too late. You just have to figure out what you want and understand what your wife wants and meet her half way.
    Always remember successful relationship is always successful when both the parties compromise.

    The problem I see is-The minute your mother tells she is tired doesn't mean you have to push your wife to help your mother. Isn't your wife working too? Doesn't she need some rest? Wouldn't she be taking the same stress from boss and meeting deadline and you expect her to help at home too?

    Have you tried something like doing the chore yourself....?? When you do things like that.. it may invoke your wife to take responsibility and may be she may understand that you are there for her.
    Men standing up for their wife is something every woman needs in a marriage. If you don't stand up for her, who will she turn to? Obviously, she will turn to her parents.

    Just coz your wife is a girl doesn't mean she was made to do chores when she was growing up. She was given the same opportunity as you to sit and study. Maybe she isn't into doing chores...? Have you considered that?


    *Right now I highly recommend you tot talk to your parents first. Explain to them she is a working woman who will have to work like a man and coming home with a bunch of duties to fulfill is not something everyone will do, just coz they are married.
    *Hire a maid for/ cook.
    * Talk to your wife and tell the changes you will adapt for her to come and stay with you and your parents. Tell her, you love her and you are willing to compromise on certain things. Communicate clearly what you want to work in the marriage. And ask her to meet half way.
    *Plan your weekends ahead, spend equal time with parents and wife. One weekend with your wife and another involving your parents.

    Goodluck
     
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  9. shwetapj

    shwetapj Silver IL'ite

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    Hello

    I think you should make your wife and parents sit face to face patiently and talk out your issues and expectations. Better have clear communication then reach conclusion. You are in a situation where there are old parents and on the otherside is your wide. I feel you should explain both of them and sort out the issues. Separation from parents is a thing to be decided after one to onw thought. To be honest initially adjusting with new life is quite difficult for newly weds and its not even a year of your marraige hence give it sometime and dont get involved in their fights. Better not to take sides and hurt the other party. Talking is the only solution and not suicide.
     
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    rthor...can u afford to live separately? This is a growing problem in the cities these days with rents skyrocketing...If u can...would u still have to support ur parents financially..or can they take care of themselves?
    Is living near by an option?
     
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