My story of coming out of an abusive relationship

I’ve been reading so many stories of abusive husbands,manipulative in-laws, so I thought to share mystory. I thought someone may find hope to get out of abusive relationship by reading this.

Let’s begin from the beginning. I’m youngest among 5 girls. I was always good at studies and that made me apple of my daddy’s eyes. Fast forward, I completed my MSc as agold medalist and qualified CSIR-NET twice. Everything was great. I started my PhD at IIT-Delhi, with field work in Haryana where my parents lived. I was all of 21 when I started PhD. Two years in PhD,my parents started looking for a good match for me. They even asked me if I had anybody in mind. I always had male friends (I’m still friends with guys I went to school with) but never a boyfriend. My parents knew all of my friends (girls and boys). Anyway, I told my parents that I’d marry with whoever they choose but not until I finish my PhD. Working at two places and the hectic schedule at IIT-D was more than enough to keep me busy. They agreed until they found this ‘super awesome’ match. The guy was from the same town, an MBBS doctor in Govt job. Within 10 days we’re married. It was an arranged marriage and I knew nothing about this guy (other than his qualification and whatever I could know in 30 min meeting). You’ll say why did you get marry? Well, just like any parents my parents wanted to ‘see me married before something happen to them’ (they’re both retired).

It was a joint family. Younger brother didn't go to college so he got married first. Because he didn't go to college his wife was sent to Ayurvedic Medicine College on NRI (paid) seat. She lived in a hostel. They’d a 2 year old girl. My ex-husband flunked BSc, so he was sent to some college in AP to get MBBS (also on a paid seat, took him 8 years). According to FIL- they liked me for their son because I was NET qualified and doing PhD from a good institute. Second day of wedding, FIL called me in the family room and told me what was expected from me. ‘You should finish PhD in 6 months; I’ve talked to an MLA to get you a job at the local university (by giving my dowry money to the same politician who secured job for the husband). Because university job is so easy (you only need to go for an hour a day), you’d be the one taking care of BIL’s kid and your own kids’. When I told him that it will take me at least 2 more years to finish my PhD and I university job is not what they think, I was told to shut up.

My life was all planned out and I didn't even have a say in it. If that wasn't shock enough, husband tried to physically abuse me but I stood up to that and he could not lift his hand. Well, he found his way and abused me verbally and emotionally. As someone else mentioned, all the money should go to FIL and then you get pocket money. They’d (including this so-called MBBS doctor) no concept of what a PhD is. They didn't let me get internet connection (my parents gave a PC as part of the dowry) and I was told to ask MIL to accompany me when I’d to go to internet café to get relevant papers for my research (internet meant **** for the doctor). I was blamed of having an affair with my PhD advisor(a male professor). My cousins (My mother’s side of family lived 2 houses down to us) were cheap lads who must have relations (read physical) with me that was the reason they used to visit me’.FIL went to my bank to look at my account details. I was even asked to give them all the money that I earned before marriage (I didn't do). If someone on the street asks for direction that means I knew that person and must have slept with him. In the beginning I didn't know how to react. I cried.

After few months, I started ignoring my exFILs rude comments, he wanted me to clip his nails because other DIL did that and put on socks because he didn’t know how to-really? His son thought didn't find it weird either and supported his father. I got pregnant after 6 months of this torture and of course my body wasn’t ready to nurture a new life. I started bleeding, Gyn suggested complete bed rest to avoid miscarriage. They asked me to go to my parents’ house because they’re unable to take care of a sick DIL. I called my dad to pick me up and his mom and he yelled at my parents that ‘if I can’t have a baby then I’m good for nothing’. That was the first time my parents were involved (I tried not to tell them but I’m sure they knew long before). My dad yelled back at them. I asked my dad to not pick up a fight and we left their house. His father came to my parents’ house and did a big drama- cried and touched my dad’s feet and asked to send me back but I decided it was enough. My parents and sisters supported my decision.

In the meantime I got a visiting fellowship to Scotland and went there for 2 months. As soon as I returned, FIL brought his son to repeat the drama. Then brought older people in our community and begged for a second chance. The fool that I was, I gave him that second chance. Nope,nothing changed. If anything changed it was just them being smarter. They gave my kinetic to SILs daughter because I didn't need it any more. Another drama that FIL is really sick and needs surgery but no one has access to his a/c to withdraw money, if I lend money (I had money saved from my Scottish fellowship and they’re eyeing that money)they’ll return it once he is well. Nothing happened to him, there was no surgery once they got money. The maid left, they couldn't find new maid- of course I was the new maid (maid was for floor cleaning only). Whenever I said no to sex it was because I get enough outside. That guy was sick.

At this point I knew it’s never going to work. After a huge fight when he and his father told me that I was worth nothing, unless they pay the MLA, no one going to hire me, not even for Rs 2000 and I will be sleeping with my colleagues to make ends meet, I left their house in whatever I was wearing. Packed my books and work related CDs, told his parents not to create drama again, and went to my parents’ house. I rented an apartment in Ber Sarai, stayed there for few months and then told my advisor that I wanted to finish my final year of PhD abroad and he agreed to it. I never told him anything related to my personal life but he knew what was going on (ex husband called him and accused of having an affair with me). I was accepted for Johns Hopkins fellowship to visit for a year and that was my final year of PhD work. I remember the day before I left for JHU, my advisor came to my office and said- you’re a very talented scientist and a wonderful person, do not waste your life for a worthless fellow.First time I cried in front of him.

As soon as H’s family came to know that I’m in USA, they wanted me back.After a year, I came back to Delhi to defend my PhD, got my degree and went back to USA to start my job as a Research Scientist. No one told them. My parents moved to a different town to be close to my sisters so I had no reason to go to my home town and see their faces.

Once I started my job, I filed for divorce in USA and within 3 months I was granted a decree. When they got the notice in mail they ran here and there to find my parents’ new address, same drama again-I love her, can’t live without her, I get angry and say bad words but I don’t mean it; if we live in USA away from parents we’ll be happy, but it was too late. I actually celebrated my divorce with my friends here. It was a big day for me. My boss (she went to court with me) gave me a day off to celebrate J. Five years ago, I met a wonderful man. I was scared to commit and took me over a year to feel comfortable marrying him; he stayed by my side all this time. I’m happily married now and have a wonderful little boy who has filled our lives with so much love and happiness. First time when my current PIL met me my MIL told my husband- you’re lucky to have her.Make sure that she is always the most important person in your life. They always tell my parents how lucky they’re to have such a wonderful DIL.

Someone here on IL commented on a status (that person was divorced and married a US green card holder) that why’d a US GC holder marry a divorcee? My husband is an American and this is his first marriage. A divorce didn't make me less desirable; neither did his US passport made him moredesirable. I’d my own green card (through employment) before getting married. Itwas the person, we fell in love with. My ex and I grew up in same town but had nothing in common and my DH and I grew up in different continents and still have so much in common. The most important thing is we respect each-other, our values, our cultures, our families and as an individual. Our son is lucky to have a family where we celebrate thanksgiving as well as Diwali with equal enthusiasm.