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My Story... Betrayal At It's Best... How To Save My Marraige?!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mariselviprabu, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. mariselviprabu

    mariselviprabu Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,



    Greetings to you all.I have been a silent reader of the forum for quite sometime.I write this post to find an answer for a heart wrenching issue which has been eating my brain for the past 2 years.I don’t think I can pretend anymore.So here I go … Thanks for reading and would be greateful for your advice.

    Mine was a love cum arranged marriage.At the beginning of our marriage days,I did find that my parent inlaws were not in speaking terms with each other , unless necessary and they never go out together.never,ever.This was the first of the many things I noticed in the family. Both my MIL and FIL were more concerned about their own circle of relatives and friends, there was no family bonding, not even a shared family dinner.This was very different from my own family and I decided to intervene and to bring about an understanding , so arranged for picnics,movies and tours involving both my parents and my PILs and the expense was borne my me and my husband.Even when PIL were sick,I spent from my salary.My mum used to taunt me little bit ,(as my DH has a elder brother too) I used to reply ‘ they are my PILs , I love them as I love you and my DH , and it’s my duty too.’ My DH was so proud of me too. My MIL used to praise me for all that I am.We have 2kids now and its been 8 years of marriage.

    But what I failed to notice here was that , I never needed my PILs support (both emotional or financial) all along.I was the giver and they were happy takers.Before two years ,I was pregnant with my second kid and due to my job , I had to stay some 80kms away from the city.My parents moved in with us to help with my pregnency and we splited all our expenses.My PIL’s are retired too but did not want to move out of the city.So we used to visit them on weekends,every week. As my pregnency progressed to 7th month, and my job pressure took over ,I was unable to travel.My MIL demanded that my parents to visit them on weekends , and I obliged. When it was 15 days before my due date , my doctor advised me not to travel and to stay in the city, as I could have delivery anytime and It was also my second pregenancy. So I assumed I would stay at PIL home and asked my parents to stay at my workplace, as my first kid was studying there and my DH was out of country due to work. I had an easy first pregnancy , and since my PILs were at home, I told my parents and DH not to worry and confident I will take care of my self till delivery.Now comes the rude shock ,my MIL refused to let me in the house as she was “afraid” to take care of me and asked me to stay in a guesthouse or hostel. I had no idea what to do, as I have planned it that way, and in our tradition too, second pregnancy is taken care at PILs house. I had no choice but to stay at a guest house at full term along with my mother (as my father was with my first kid ,taking care of his schooling and my DH out of country).Not even a single day PIL came down to meet me nor enquired about anything.For those 15 days it was like I never existed for them.My second kid was born, and PIL came to the hospital once and saw only the baby (as I was still in the labour ward) and left quietly.They never visited for the next six months , till me and the baby were better.They started asking when I will visit them on weekends (I used to cook and clean and do all the household chores when I visit and also pay for house expenses).

    I was so shocked by their heartless and cold attitude.How could they act in such a way ,when all I needed from them was a 15 days stay at their home ,that too when I was full term.Is it not PIL duty too to take care of DIL? Now my PIL want me to be back my ownself, caring for them and spending time with them,take care when they are sick and take them on tours. I cant do that anymore and feel betrayed.When I thinkl back,they did anything during my first pregnency but I was so pampered by my DH and parents (I stayed at my parents house then) ,I dint notice.Nor they came to visit me anytime during my entire second pregnancy. Never have they spent a rupee for me,DH or our kids. I just came to realise ,they are just selfish and I am not fool enough to treat them same anymore.Al the least ,I feel cheated.



    Now MIL calls my DH every night and emotinally blackmails him for nearly an hour,everyday.My DH too seems to have convieniently forgotten it all. Now I can feel a gap between me & DH.With 2 kids, job and DH constant travelling abroad for work, Its like the gap keep widening each day. I feel my marriage has taken turn for the worse and going downhill, and I have no idea what to do.Even writing this post was emotionally draining. So frds, What do you suggest I do.Is there anything at all I shoud do to make things better.

    Please guide me and give your valuable suggestions.Thank you .
     
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  2. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs to you dear. Be strong and confident as you were in your second pregnancy. This was wrong the way your ILs treated you.
    You didnot mention about your husband's reaction to all these drama. I fee he too did not feel good about his parents.

    About your DH forgetting their ill treatment, its expected, after all they are his parents.
    As long as he does not force you to mingle with them as earlier do not mind. Let it go..

    with two kids, you being working will lead to stress, what ever you see will look wrong, everything with you looks wrong.

    First calm down and write down, why do you think the gap is getting more? Is it communication being not normal?
    Is it physical relation?
    Is he abusive?
    Is he not taking responsibility of kids and home?

    After some years into marriage, responsibilities increases kinda short gaps happen. May be he is also tired of frequent travels and likes to take rest as soon as he is at home.
    He is just listening to their parents , for their sake.

    Try talking to him normal as a routine without bringing IL's matter. Talk about kids to him. Involve him in kids activities,
    Ask him to take to parks/movies.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
    September2015 and sindmani like this.
  3. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    OP may be pil were scare to take responsibility of you when their son was not there to run around if some emergency come?How is their health?Do they drive?
    Apart from that in any relationship apply this rule,give some thing to people then wait and observe their behavior. Do they give back to you in some form? Or they start treating you like a free maid demanding more and more?
    If they do later keep distance.Those kinda of relationship are not worth it.
    Why your husband is growing apart?Is it because you complain to him about your pil?
     
    sheztheone, sindmani and MNR like this.
  4. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, you need to have a very frank conversation with your husband. It will be most appropriate if this convo happens face to face. Ask him to visit you or if you can manage (I know it must be very difficult), go visit him (leave your children with parents along with a maid). This urgency will naturally wake him up from his convenient slumber. Childbirth, post-partum stages are extremely vulnerable. On top of that, a full-time job is draining you. Agreed that your DH is also managing alone in a foreign land but under no circumstances, he can pretend to be aloof or distant by forgetting everything.

    Second & relatively easier way out is to call up your DH and tell him in length about this realization. You can also write him a mail. Refrain from directly complaining about in-laws rather, express your concern that despite giving your best, your feelings have not been reciprocated when you wanted them the most and that henceforth, your visits will be limited & only as per your convenience.

    Lastly, you can have a word with your in-laws as well. I don't know how they are going to take it. Just be sure that this is a very polite conversation & should never get into a confrontational mode. You may ask them politely that why did they hesitate in keeping you with them? OP, who knows, they might have some genuine reason(s). OP, when parents grow old, they do get insecure. For example, though my dad is 61 but since he suffered from TB last year, he has lost a lot of strength because of which he can't carry my nephew in his arms nor can he play with him.

    Relax for a while. Take rest & eat properly. Assumptions can wait, though I know it's easier said than done.
    Take care
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  5. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    Not willing to take responsibility during your second delivery could be because of fear of something going wrong. Your DH should have been there for you too, but that's just my opinion. Asking you to stay at a hostel is a tad too much. You could have invited your mom with you at your PILs if that is feasible and informed your DH at that moment itself.
    But these are over now and now that you feel this way, keep your care-giving at a minimum. If they ask you when you will visit on weekends, tell them what you are busy with and do it at your convenience. You have two kids now and working, that's a lot to handle. Let their questions not affect you. Go out for dinner or on a date with your DH to rekindle your relationship.
     
    sindmani, Lakshmi6197 and MNR like this.
  6. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    whatever your PIL did was inhuman....saying a women in full term pregnancy to stay in a guest house or hostel is just inhuman for me....you were going to give birth to their grandchild....you were not an unknown woman asking for help...
    if they were scared of taking responsibility than they could have let you stay in their home along with your parents....and moreover they should have been scared more of goign things wrong while you are in guest house and of the blame that they didnt let you stay in their house....
    you PILs are heartless people.....they just belongs to the school who thinks that they deserve the services provided by DIL because they have married their sonny boy to her....they dont have any need to do even a basic human behaviour but still they can expect uninterrupted services from DIL as they are the GOD on earth for DIL afterall they have the title of saas sasur(PIL)....

    its a big thing and your DH should not forget this thing but as happens this is the common behaviour of indian DH when it comes to their parents.....this behaviour coming from his parents should be more shocking and hurting from him.....but forgetting everything is easier and convenient solution for him....
    these kind of things become eye opener for a woman and then they realize that not even health of safety of wife is first priority of husband....

    Dear, dont do anything for your PIL anymore. period. let your husband do whatever he wants to do...you just maintain bare minimum formal relationship with them.they dont deserve even this much from you but you have to do it for maintaining decorum....

    Regarding emotional wedge creating between your DH and you, you cant do anything in it....its he and his family who failed you....so its he who has to put effort into it....at most you can talk about your feeling to your DH and stop fighting with your feelings.....your feelings are valid.
     
    anumuralik, sindmani, Sparkle and 3 others like this.
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Firstly Op...there is no excuse for your in laws behavior.
    Even if they were scared of the delivery ...how could they not let you live with them and send you to stay in a hostel.Disgusting.
    You were staying there with your mom...you could have done the same at their house too.
    If that was not possible they could have kept a maid for you.
    What was the excuse to not even wait to see you after your delivery?They were scared of you too?

    Op...your in laws are fair weather relatives.

    Secondly ...what exactly is your husband's role in the family.He is not there for your kids delivery,not there to take care of you or the kids ,not there to take care of his own parents.Op...you have moved from being a wife to a mother of two kids.You are a working woman ...you are doing everything yourself.You are stressed out. How can there be a long distance relationship like with the father having very little role to play?

    While your life has changed...his has not. How can the relationship become stronger with only one partner carrying the family.

    Thirdly...what does your husband expect from you regarding your in laws? Does he expect you to do your bit like you did before you had two kids?
    Does he expect you to forget their disgusting behavior and be back to normal weekend seva mode ?
    What was his reaction when your in laws refused to have you at their home?Did you call him up and tell him ?Did he ask them questions?Did in laws offer any explanation?

    Op...your relationship is going downhill because your husband does not seem to be taking up a role in your busy and hectic single life .

    As for in laws...If I were in your place,I would not have any relationship till they gave some explanation.
    Now you know neither your absent husband,nor your in laws are going to be of much help to you during crunch times. Make your self stronger and learn to put yourself first.
    You are overworked and over burdened .You need to put your priorities in order.Your in laws can be really low in the priority list after what they did.
    Best Wishes OP...
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Op, you gave. They took. You gave more. They took more. They didn't perhaps ask but you gave out of goodness of your heart. They probably thought that it was simply what was due to them from the DIL, what with them being the parents of the "boy" and all. In short you were taken for granted. Unfair but unsurprising.

    What they did during your pregnancy was ridiculous. However I'm surprised you hadn't discussed this before nor did you come back to the comfort of your own home once they shut their doors.

    Anyway, now you know where you stand. They aren't grateful for what you do. They positive seem to demand that you come there to do chores. Husband conviniently forgets any slight because they are his parents; they don't have exposure; they don't mean ill; they don't know how to express their love; whatever BS reason. So, what can you do?

    You can't change their outlook. You can't make them feel guilty. They aren't going to take any responsibility and that much is clear. What they did was wrong on so many levels. However there is no grand scheme for justice present which will ensure you get your due.

    So, move on. their behaviour shouldn't define you.

    Be sweet, be nice and diplomatic. Brush his under the carpet. Pull out slowly from doing what you used to do for them. Don't be their maid. Sweetly say, I'm so tired mum, could you make me tea? Gee! It's so dirty here. You poor thing. You need a maid. Do not lift a finger. Engage yourself with your kids.

    Or organise an activity when you go there. Visit relatives or go to the movies or something. Say kids need quality time with busy patents and grandparents. So don't be cooped up at home.

    Enroll your first one in some weekend lessons so you don't have to go every week. Go once a month, visit and return. Be strategic. You can live your life happily with your husband and kids.
     
  9. mariselviprabu

    mariselviprabu Silver IL'ite

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    Dear MNR,

    Thank you and your post got me thinking on relationship between me and DH.

    Is it communication being not normal? - no issues there.We are same as before , might be most talks revolve around kids but we talk on everything, no bars :) .
    Is it physical relation? - Yes. Its not like what it used to be. It's like there is no time for it.
    Is he abusive? - No,never.But I do, sometimes now.I think I have to have a check on this.I need to refrain myself.
    Is he not taking responsibility of kids and home? - I wish he could do more. When he is at home he does help but while travelling, I am on my own :-(

    Just hope things will be for better.
     
  10. mariselviprabu

    mariselviprabu Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Iamagoodgirl,

    Thanks for the reply. Their health is fine ,they dont drive but the hospital was near to PILs home. I actually booked for an ambulance , in case of emergency.

    Yes,I think the incident showed who they are.

    My relation ship with DH, , I do complain abt PIL , now I have stopped but its like I have a feeling he wants me to treat them like before.
    at the time of delivery, He actually shouted at his parents for ill treating me. But I think he has moved on.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.

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