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My sob story - will it affect my sister's?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by JoyPls, Feb 18, 2010.

  1. JoyPls

    JoyPls New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I've been a silent reader of IL for many months now. The suggestions and opinions shared in these forums have been of immense support and help to me, thanks so much! I'm writing for the first time with a query of my own and I hope you all will be able to clarify it for me.

    I've been married for about 4 years now (arranged, no kids). To be honest, it hasn't been a very happy one. Lots of issues, misunderstanding (in-laws interference), fights, trust issues....the list is quite endless. Naturally, my unhappy married life has been a source of major grief and despair for my family and I tend to bank on them a lot for emotional support. I've contemplated (still do) separation/ divorce few times but really never had the guts to do so...I haven't ruled it out as well. Anyway, this post isn't about me, so I'll cut short the specific details of my issues.

    This is about my younger sister, who has literally been my pillar of strength all through my troubled married life. My parents just recently started looking for suitable alliances for her. My question is whether my sister should inform prospective alliances about my marital issues. My sister is quite adamant that she will, saying she wants to marry someone who knows fully well our family situation (specifically, my marriage issues) and who is willing to allow my sister to support me as she has always done. I also think it is right for her to inform much in advance, not so much so she can support me as always (I don't intend to drag my poor sister anymore into my issues). But just so the boy knows exactly what circumstances he is getting into. I definitely don't want the groom to feel betrayed or cheated later. But I also have my own doubts as to whether it will jeopardize my sister's marriage prospects? What if boys refuse, saying our family issues are too complex?
    I'm just so confused. Should we inform or not? My mind tells me the right thing to do is to be frank, but deep down I'm worried about my sister's chances. If any of you have been in this situation before, what did you do? Please let me know. I don't want to make things difficult for my sis.

    Thank you.
     
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  2. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Joy,

    I think it is better that your sister makes the situation very clear. Because she intends to help you. However after marriage, things change and she cannot help you anymore without the support of her husband.

    Moreover if the boy agrees to marry ur sister, u can rest assured he will be always there to support ur sister throughout her life. This wil also create good understanding and bonding for the two right from the beginning.

    And the guys who dont agree, u can still be happy that ur sister is not marrying a person, who is so mean and cannot understand other's woes.
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    How old is your sister?
    When is blood is young, your sister might think that she should stand by yourself by leaving her future and the plans. But when they started getting old they realize by themselves what they was not a right thing.
    Are you financially depending on your sister? If not just for moral support then try to reduce your dependency on her and let her carry on with her life.
    In arranged married, boy and girl itself new to each other and they don't know abcds of each other. So how they can understand about your situation and give support to your sister?
    If you want you sister get married and settle in life if she found some good match then you need to step out from her life slowly. Ofcourse as sister you will have some support but not all her time.
    Other choice, she needs to select a person whom she known like a kind of love marriage. In that case, both boy and girl will have room to understand each other and would able to explain their situations ahead of marriage.
    I believe at this point you need to start relay more on your parents and let your sister carry with her future.
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2010
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Since the support is emotional, I assume she supports you via chat on the phone or occassional visit or something like that. So, how would her marriage make her suddenly unable to call you or be emotionally 'there'?

    Really, I don't see the need for her to inform her prospective husband. Afterall, HE is not getting himself into anything with you. He will live a seperate life with your sister... so I really don't see how YOUR marital problems will affect HIM. Unless of course you show up at their house every night dumping your marital problems on the both of them, it shouldn't be a problem.

    Your family issues aren't complex. They're normal. Most people have issues at one time or another in their marriage... it's just some make it public to the family, and others keep it hidden. Why would your marital problems cause your future bil to feel 'cheated'?? Doesn't make any sense. His marriage life should have nothing to do with yours, and vice versa. You are going to just be the new sil. That's it! Nothing more.

    Obviously as your sis's relationship grows, she will share family stuff with him. If the topic of 'you' comes up, she might casually mention there's been some tension. But I don't think she should flash some huge disclaimer to every guy she meets just because you are not happy in your marriage. Because really, it has nothing to do with HER or how she will be as a wife.

    Just my opinion! :)
     
  5. sowmyar

    sowmyar New IL'ite

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    Hey There

    Welcome to IL, There is a great community of supportive women out here!

    I sympathise with you dear, it must be hard being in a marriage that is seeing unresolved issues for so long.

    To answer your question, it would be hard to say straight off that your sister's and your marital life are totally unrelated. Your post does not say if your sis supports you financially (or intends to later in case you need it/are not employed). Barring this case where she will need her future hubby's explicit understanding I see NO reason why he should concern himself with your marital problem.

    Far as I can understand your sister and family act as emotional and moral pillars of support, which your sis CAN still continue post marriage. I think you may want to focus your energy on finding a good groom for her, for you may bring newer perspectives considering your troubled marriage thus helping your sis avoid such a fate for herself. You may even be able to help her judge how prospective grooms would be open minded in sharing family burdens of the girl's extended family (not many guys out there like this, I am sure you agree). This way you know he won't have issues sharing your sis's need to support you. BUT there really is no need to share your life's story at the onset. Let your sister build a life for herself first, without any impact from your marital problems.

    On a side note, you may want to share your personal issues and seek suggestions from other ILites out here. Even if it does not really solve your problems it will certainly feel great venting to those who will listen (personal experience)!

    Just my 2c...
     
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    The way you put it across makes me think that you are more concerned about your sister being your agony aunt, than for her to have married life. If you think that your worries might affect her marriage and you feel the necessity to tell the groom about it, then I think its time you should think about taking a step back and sorting out your problems by yourself and stop depending on your sister this much.

    Why would anyone tell the groom about the sister's marital problems. It sounds very strange. You need to grow up and handle your issues by yourself and stop this selfish attitude.
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Hey Joy,

    Welcome to IL.. I am sorry to hear your story, but be strong and have the courage to face all the challenges in your marital life.

    Ok.. Coming to your question about your sister's supports and marriage proposals.. Yes, She should inform her would be husband at least something about your marital issues and her willingness to assist you in the future.
    Let them sit down and discuss their priorities, issues and plans together in advance before comitting to a long relationship.

    If you are financially dependant to your sister, it is VERY important that she tells her would be husband about her future supports. The decision has to be mutual, and well informed.

    Since the support is just emotional, then it is the question about her availabily for you.
    It is all ok as long as you folks live in the same town. You can always rush to your sister for emotional support and other physical protection (if your DH is abusive), or temporary accomodation (if you are forced to leave from your home).
    But, if she has to leave for abroad, then just a SMS, chat or occational calls wouldn't make the real emotional support for a person like you.

    Since you both (you and sis) are very affectionate towards each other, I guess your sister too cannot enjoy her marriage if she has to leave you alone in a dark life.

    So better inform her would be about the kind of support she is planning to offer you in advance, so that they can either handle these issues in their own style or find separate paths.

    Good luck:)
     
  8. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    I agree to asg that if you are just emotionally dependent upon her, there's no need to disclose..in fact you should try to become independent and not let her have any negative perceptions about an arranged marriage since it can also turn out to be too good.

    ALso, one more thing that struck me as your issue and your sis's marriage is walking hand in hand in this post...if you are very stressed and so is your husband and both families and you have no kids yet, then why don't you go for a divorce and pull out yourself , your family and your sis of that daily discussion agony. Move out and try to stand on your own feet.
     
  9. Deepali_deepali

    Deepali_deepali Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Joy,

    Sad to hear about it.. Well I'll say, not everything is perfect in life..There is some or the other problems but we have to face them with courage and faith and find some solution. Most of the sisters are emotionally dependent on each other. I don't see any problem in her marriage because of this, but it will be good if she shares a bit about this with her prospective groom..

    Socially, I would suggest you not to take any big decision about your life before her marriage..That's what I have seen people saying around..

    I hope everything becomes fine..Be strong dear..
     
  10. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    Joy,

    People have given you some good suggestions here. I don't really know what to suggest but I just thought I would share with you my situation as I believe it might help you in your decision.

    Firstly, I am very sorry for your grief and your unhappy marriage. I do hope things get better for you.

    Anyway, my position is not similar to yours but rather to your prospective BIL"s. My SIL too has a very troubled marriage. Its been troubled for her ever since she got married 8-9 years back. She was always extremely dependent on her family, especially my husband for everything - emotional and financial support, career advise...basically everything. When I got engaged (arranged marriage) I was obviously not told anything about her situation, so I had not the slightest clue about my SIL"s and consequently my DH and IL"s misery. At the time of my marriage, all I thought was that she was happily married and well settled with her husband. Post marriage, I began to get glimpses of SIL"s dependency on my husband. I was not told about her situation until about 3 months after my wedding, but began to feel its pressures on my marriage right from day 1. My SIL was SO dependent on my husband that her life penetrated nearly every aspect of our life. I even posted about this in some past thread on IL. For nearly two years, our life revolved around her - her life, her issues...My husband would spend hours on the phone with her discussing her issues and consoling her, we would cancel trips for her, there have been instances when we would go for weekend outings only to stay put in the hotel so DH can discuss problems with her or I would have to silently drive along while DH would talk to her, we would spend hours on weekends just planning for her, etc, etc...The first few months that I did not know her real situation, I used to sometimes get annoyed about my husband"s incessant talks with my SIL, especially when I also needed his time for something. I never really understood why even after several mins of conversation, he could not hang up for just a bit and resume talks later. Sometimes, this used lead to silly arguments and fights between us. When I was finally told about my SIL however, I felt very sorry for her and pretty much went out of my way to help her. But it soon started taking a HEAVY toll on our marriage. And after 2 years, when I couldnt take it anymore (it was just becoming too stressful for both of us),I told my husband she had to learn to take charge a little and bank on us for external support and since then we have had several unnecessary arguments and misunderstandings over his sis. His sis is now expecting a second kid, her ILs are visiting her and the stress for us paramount (that"s another story anyway)

    Sometimes I get really annoyed as to why I was not told the truth about his sister. I sometimes feel like this is an extra burden on me. I mean, if it had happened AFTER I got married, then fine. But considering it has been the case of nearly 7-8 years before my wedding, I believe I should have at least been told the truth so I would know what I was getting into.
    I would say, in some ways, my SIL"s issues have unnecessarily brought a lot of squabbles in our marriage. But whose fault is it really? Do I blame my SIL? I can"t because she does have several issues of her own and needs the support of her family. Do I blame my husband for helping her? Of course not, because he has every right to help his sister. Do I blame myself saying I am being unreasonable? I won"t agree because I have tried as best as I can to be really helpful. Yet sometimes it is only natural for me to get irritated. So who is to be blamed here? I don"t really know. Yet there are some very unhappy people here (especially me)

    You say you depend only emotionally, so that"s good. But based on my experience, I would still suggest you inform your BIL. No matter the extant of your dependence, you never know what life will throw at you in the future. You say you have contemplated divorce - if you separate tomorrow, you need all the support of your sister to get through those testing days. And tomorrow you do not want your BIL to ask the same question I sometimes ask - "If this was the situation for your sister even before our marriage, why was I not informed?". Your BIL might be the nicest man, but it is only human to sometimes wonder along these lines. Better to clarify before than fight over it later.

    Not sure if I make much sense here. Am typing in a hurry as well. But I hope you do get my point. Good luck!

    Divs
     

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