My Sister's marriage - Advice please

Dear Mithy,

Thanks for your compliment, count me as one of your sister from now on... You know what, I really feel sad why didn't I have an elder sister like Malyatha and Canwait after reading their comments. They are so matured than me, and hopefully I will become one soon

Dear Malyatha and Canwait,

Exactly... My mom will live in her house (our family home) in the same area. The groom is not expected to live with his in-lows, he is not expected to do any service to his in lows, because my brother and my self also will be living in the same area in our respective houses, and we will take care of our mom (by the way, my mom's widowed cousin sister is also living with her, so no worries about my mom's lonliness). So no worries.

Moreover, we are not forcing her to marry now. This marriage talk has been going on for a while (immediately after my marriage).
Many proposals came through our church, through known contacts etc.. etc.. but we didn't want to analyse everyone as we simply knew some grooms are not matching with our family. Finally, we came up with these two possible grooms, with all the 'other factors' matching (including the house matter), hence we have left this for my sister for her final decision.

Whatsoever, I just could not stop my self from giving her advises like the bank manager's height issue (SIL's talks), the Business one's career issues (apparantly he has no savings at the moment, so he may assume that he can use my sister's savings for his new business - We are not interested in starting a new business, but if he is doing one already, then we have no problems). Because I felt like she is not married yet, and has no emotions for them yet, so my advises would not affect/hurt her anyway.

She understands this point very clearly, that's why she said she can not say which groom is best before devoloping any emotional connections with them. Both of them have been short-listed based on the superficial compatibility only i.e education, economy, caste, career, background, religion etc..etc.. and that was done by the elders of her home.

She said neither of them are my lovers, nor friends, hence I can not say which one is best just by seeing him for 5 mins. That's why she said she will leave this matter upto us and in the hands of God.

Thanks for this informaion Malyatha. You know what, me and most of my cousins had love marriages. My parents too had a love marriage. I studied and then worked in abroad, so most of my close friends are not from India, hence they too do not have exact idea about how arranged marriage works.

Though my mom did not have an arranged marriage, she knows how it works, hence she advised us on how to initiate proceedings, analyse the grooms, etc..etc.. as I wrote in my previous post.
Now I see, my mom's way of arranged marriages is kind of old fashioned. Your idea sounds good and I will definitely discuss this matter with my family this evening.

You know what, I tought it is weird if I ask my sister and the groom to go for date ( I mean a simple one to a park or beach to discuss in private about their basic compatible levels), hence I told her to have a meeting at our church after the mass.

Well, that did happen yesterday. She met with the bank one very briefly at our cathedral yesterday. Both were able to realise their height differences at the first place. Then it seems the guy said apparently there wont be any transfers for the next 5 yrs (since he has recently joined here from another branch) but after that definitely they have to move.
My sister has no problems with that I guess, because you never know what will happen after 5 years.
Moreover they talked about interest, likes and dislikes.. also they have decided to be friends for sometimes before commiting into a serious relationship (So, he has added her in FB too).

Surprisingly, the Business guy's elder brother met with my sister in the same day at a shoping mall. They had a brief discuss as to future business plans etc..etc.. (It seems he too has a FB account, but my sister is not interested in adding him as a friend before meeting him in person - Well, that's her choice!)

I really don't see anypoint in such brief conversations. You never know the other persons personality and actual compatible level in this. This is a 100% GAMBLE game for me.

As I said, we can take some extra steps to make sure that the groom is not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, not a womanizer, not into other bad business... The ILs are reasonable etc..etc.. Also we can somehow try our best to satisfy her demands such as the house matter.

If she is not interested in these two, then we can always short -list another set of grooms. No problems in it. But she has to select an appropriate one, and according to me it is all upto her DESTINY.

Just to clarify:

She is my brother's business partner. Actually my dad was runing a big business in Sri Lanka and some parts of India. But after his sudden demise, we have decided to devide the business into 3 shares (mom, brother and sister) and my brother is taking care of EVERYTHING right now.

Some business and the properties are under my sister's name. She knows them very well, and handles them quite well, but just as a silent partner. Not a real business woman.
She loves to stay at home, not interested in any career, professional jobs. She loves to learn cookery, interior decorations, beauty culture etc...etc.. She already volunteers as a tuition teacher at my church for the poor children

Since begining, i grew up like an independant child, hence I asked nothing from my dad's business, property, bank balance etc..etc... But I took up my favourite career and started earning my life/money/love EVERYTHING on my own. However my mom says all her shares to come under my name after her times - That's a different story

 

Dear CW,

This is what exactly my point too. But my mom and other elder relatives of my family do not seem to be OK with this idea. They say, a relationship is a relationship.. be it friendship or love affair.

If a girl goes out and meets a certain guy for 1 month and develops friendship the she had to marry the person. Else this will be noticed as a black mark in her hostory and that will affect her marriage life with someone else.

Because you can not date with someone secretly. We live in South India, hence it is extremely difficult to go out and have cordial friendship with someone and reject them for incompatibility. Though there is nothing intimate, the society will never take it in the right spirit. The girl will be labeled as someone who dated with a guy before. That will definitely devalue her worthness during marriage talks.

You know our society better than me... In an arranged marriage, these matters play a huge role (the girl's virginity, the girl's previous affairs etc...) though these things really have nothing to do with a real marriage happiness.

My family will allow her to date with this boy only after their engagement is fixed. Before that no way
Only possible thing is to meet the boy at the church for 1-2hrs after the mass, or invite the boy to our home and allow them to have an open conversation for a longer time in private. Punto finale:bonk

Yep, she has too many friends.. and she does socialize, goes out for trips, and parties with her friends..

Ye..yeee.. now I got an idea.. Isn't it a good idea to ask her to meet the guy along with her friends.. They all can go to the beach and my sister can have a private conversation with that guy while others play outside???? What do you think????

 

Dear CW,
Here goes my answers to your questions, based on what I know about my sister.

Nope... I don't think so

As I told someone before, my sister is not at all a sentimental type like me. She is so practical, hence she sees the life in a very practical way with ups and downs.
You know what, I was ready to commit to suicide during my Advance level time (+2 in India) as I thought my result would not be good as I wanted. But fortunately it turned out be a surprise good result.. I survived.
My sister was not that bright in her School time as me, yet she has no problems with whatever the final results. I wondered how this girl can still smile when her result was just an avarage, as I was about to commit suicide for such matter. But she continued to stay calm and cool. That's her.

She is very cool person like my dad. But when she is really angry, then she will not talk with us for 2-3 days. Both my brother and my self are quite different as we are short tempered persons, but we become cool with no time. But it takes time for my sister to forgive someone.

This is where I name her as a dependant. She entertains suggetions, advises, blabering everything from others. Definitely from future ILs as well.

Of course yes. She does it for her business shares, as well as at her bank matters.

Nope.. I don't know.. But hopefully she will learn to adjust as she is just 24 yrs and has never explored the other side of the coin. But it doesn't mean she is not capable of handling her life if she has to.

That's a good question. All her friends are like spoon fed young girls and boys from a upper class society. Most of them are Christians, most of them are not married yet, and most of them are like getting ready to marriage phase. Hence she is also preparing her self for one
In one word she is extremly different from my self.

Not a talkative type at all. Very silent, quite person. It is very hard to open her mouth

I am sure she is emotionally very strong in a sense that she doesn't need any emotional support.
For ex: I make phone calls daily to my mom and my husband if I am staying away from them. I just can't sleep peacefully if I don't talk to them at least once.
But my sisster often forgets to call home whenever she is on trips with her friends.. Hence my mom calls her and inquires about her well beings. She is not an emotional fool as me.

Her decisions are not too strong. Because she keeps on changing her attitude. She easily trusts people immediately, then faces problems due to that. She makes quick decisions without thinking its pros and cons.
I am saying all this from my knowledge about her studies, friends etc...
That's why we are so much worried and influencial in her marriage proposals. Because we know her very well. She will quickly select someone, then regret for it like the way she does since begining in everything. If that is for education, exams, business it is ok, but you can't easily take a risk in life. But this is her nature.. We never influenced in her other choices, but marriage we can't observe it blindly.

Yes.. Somehow

Not.. Most of the times, she ended up with failures, because she never tried hard for success. Be it studies, career, making relationships etc... And she has no problems with failures too.

I really don't know. She says hi to all my friends, and keeps a very basic contacts with them if necessary. But never mingled with them closely. There wasn't any need for her to mingle with others, but hope will adjust in the future.

This is quite interesting one. She is very calm and not an open type. If she is not happy about something, then she will keep quite and make a long face, but do it silently in a way everyone can notice the diference. Never argue, never fight or reson her judgement. She just moves into her shells and stop the communication, then others will notice and adjust with her. But if her requirement is not reasonable, no one will adjust with her at my FOO, hence she will back to normal after a couple of days.

OK.. Please analyse and tell me what sort of a girl is she.. Definitely she is not my type