My Sister's marriage - Advice please

^ Many posters have conveyed the point, but Malyatha has put it quite clearly. Let your sister grow up and be independent first. Maybe you can even suggest she take up a job in a different city for 1 year, it will help tremendously.

 

Malyatha...

You hit the nail on its head...bang on....

Being a woman who has gone through a fair share of problems and unwanted interference in my marriage... I too feel it is a little over stretched to ask your future husband to live in his wife's place with constant interference of the girl's mother and siblings...

Really... this girl has to grow up....before even thinking of marrying...

 

Malyatha is spot-on. It is nice to be in a protective environment, but one must be tough enough to face the realities of life. I would recommend the husband and wife to live separately (read far away) from their respective families until they understand and mold themselves to reality.

It is not a good idea to be spoon fed always. Parents or siblings can intervene and support only to a certain extent, but once married it is the responsibility of the man and woman to decide on their life path. I am not saying that your sister will be influenced by all of you, but the immediate inclination for her will be to depend on you for any solution because that is the way she has been living.

Very few men will accept this kind of a system and even if they accept you need to really check for the genuine interest they have.

My 2 cents about the Saudi proposal. In the event, the man doesn't return to India as planned your sister must be willing to move with him and live in a country like Saudi. It is not easy for women to live in Saudi given the living conditions for them. I am sure you will be well aware of the conditions in Saudi, because you were with UN.

Career can be molded anytime in life, but not a good companion or partner. She is the only person that can decide what she wants. I would recommend the following:



Ask her to write:

1. her long term and short term goals
2. how she will deal with some of the difficult situations (financial difficulties, in-laws, accepting and adjusting with a new persons personality)
3. her exact expectations from a marriage
4. her top 10 priorities in a marriage and in a husband.

She has to write everything without any one of your influences. This will give her a clarity of mind. When she has come out with what she wants, she will eventually know to identify the right person. Ask her to save these priorities what she writes today, you bet after 6 months she will knock-off several of them. That is reality.

Today you don't have a kid and your brother is planning to get married. How will she react when both of you are engrossed in your own family affairs and she has be left only with the husband. What she's expecting is including another member in her life with the existing members. The new member is her life and the existing are just a part of life. Does she realize this?

If she is not aware of the ground realities of marriage, I'd recommend don't talk to her about marriage. Let her go out and check the world. If she's not interested in a serious career, let her work for some NGO and perhaps volunteer as a marriage counselor. She will know the dark world and will know to identify the right person.

 

Wow. Just wow!
So beautifully conveyed!

 

Hi dear
does ur sister got married or not?
How is she?
what she is doing?

 

Tugga,

I wanted to ask you about your sister's education and what you meant by saying "She is dependent". Now you clearly explained about her because When I say I would like to be a home maker, people come with the same advice. By default, I am taken as a lazy immature girl with no interest in making money. The later part is right but not the first part.

Rightly said Tugga. :thumbsup. Why didn't I have a sister like you....you made me feel

Best thing would be accepting her how she is and finding a match accordingly.

Only point I want to say here is...Be careful while accepting a guy who accepts your preferences because the guy may be behind her money/property [Chance is less since she clearly said that she wants to be a home maker...then it is clear that he has to take the financial responsibility] Do check!

 

Tugga, I want to share a personal experience here. My late neighbor got his daughter married to her love interest. This was in early 80's. They are family of Drs. The son-in-law came from a very humble background; whereas the lady had very strong political backup. The condition was the man will stay in the lady's house after marriage with her parents. He accepted it and moved-in with them. The old neighbor gave absolute stability to the son-in-law in terms of high profile contacts in the govt, a good position in the govts medical counsil and what not. Although the man is only a professor in a govt medical college he recently got his daughter married in such a grandeur. I was stunned at the extravaganza. Both the lady and the man work in govt medical colleges as professors and a simple professor just cannot perform such a grand wedding. I bet they would have atleast spent 50 L on the wedding.

Now, the bottom line is the son-in-law was literally bought by the brides family and in return he got status, contacts, and what not. I had never seen the lady visiting her in-laws anytime. Now, the lady's parents are no more and her MIL has also moved-in with them. She has the upper hand and is the deciding factor.

The man has traded his family and what he got was a bounty which otherwise would have been impossible for his background. The man is extremely loyal and sincere to his wedded family. If you get a person of this kind, I would say you have hit a jackpot.

I have an uncle who leans more towards his inlaws and lives as a neighbor to his inlaws. These are not uncommon but they are rare. They must be aboslutely genuine and sincere to the spouse and her family. They must not simply make use of their offices and dump them later (simply my case).

Tugga, I am contradicting your idea of arranged marriages now. Currently, the girl or the boy look out for themeselves even in arranged marriages. Arranged marriages doesn't mean that only the parents or the siblings scout for an alliance and then pass on their judgement and decide on proceeding.

When we start looking out for a prospective groom with marriage in the back of our mind, this itself is an arranged marriage. In a love marriage the relationship develops into matrimony. In arranged marriages the relation develops for the sake of matrimony.

 

Tugga,

I am a stranger, yes? I don't know you, your sister, your brother, your mother or either of these guys. That means that the feedback I give here is neutral. I have nothing to gain or lose by your decisions but I would like to ensure that your sister is ready for marriage.

Others have said it before me, but you have defended your beliefs. All we're doing here is trying to get you see your sister from the eyes of a third party. Evaluate objectively if she is ready for marriage or not. See, girls have a highly romanticized notion of marriage before they get married. All too soon, the blinders come off and what seemed to be a bed of roses is revealed a mixed bed of roses, thorns and evil seed-eating birds. Marriage can be a shock even to the prepared, so for the naive and innocent - like your sister - it can be a bigger shock.

IN THEORY, your arguments work well. You ask why cannot the man, who is also that city-based, take advantage of the house my father built for my sister in exchange for letting my sister live in a familiar neighborhood, surrounded by familiar people for the rest of her life? Yes, why not? In PRACTICE, however, this may nor be that cut and dried.

Both my parents worked for banks for their entire professional lives and I can tell you that bank officials frequently get transferred, unless they are in lower positions. So, even if you pick the bank manager, there is no guarantee that he won't get transferred - even in the next 6 months! Then what? In an arranged marriage set-up, it takes MORE than six months to build a good understanding with your husband. So, what will your sister do under these circumstances (if they should arise)? In fact, there are very few careers that allow one to work and retire from the same office / posting! So, your sister should understand that her husband cannot guarantee that he will live in the house with her for the rest of their lives with no transfers / no disturbances etc.

If this is so important for you, then it is better to go with someone who is doing business! Groom No. 2! Generally, business people don't tend to move from place to place so he may be the better option for her - PROVIDED they have compatibility.

That brings me to the question you raked in your posting to me. How do arranged marriages work? Generally, the parents / elders DO initiate proceedings, gather horoscopes and match them, then boy meets girl, they talk and discuss, take time to take their decisions, and the marriage happens. I have never seen any cases where the girl's (or boy's) family spends extended periods of time analyzing the pros and cons of each proposal, spoon feeds the results of their analysis to the girl who then goes with what the family has decided. It is up to the girl to analyze the proposals and choose what she most feels comfortable with. Moreover, the girl's choice is final. That does not appear to be the case here. Your sister has already told you that she is NOT INTERESTED in either groom!!! But are any of you listening to her??

This shows her immaturity. She does not understand that love and emotional closeness take time to build. Basically, she does not understand that arranged marriage is about superficial compatibility - in terms of background, education, profession etc to begin with - and things like love, UNDERSTANDING etc come only with time. And, for understanding to come, the couple has to live together, get to know each other and build a rapport with each other - far away from either FOO!!!!

Moreover, right from Day 1 of marriage, she needs to shoulder the responsibilities of family. Who is going to do this for her if you, currently, do all the 'brain-work' for her? Who is going to help her solve the misunderstandings that might arise with her hubby from time-to-time? Who is going to help her deal with any issues with her in-laws? None of you can interfere in her marriage so this is all up to her. So, if this girl is currently not even in a position to independently analyze the pros and cons of the grooms currently being presented to her, then how on Earth is she going to deal with the can of worms that marriage can sometimes open up?

On top of all of this, she has already told you that she does not like the height difference she has with the first groom, and his sister has furthermore continually made remarks about the same. But you all seem still to be eager to go with him simply because he is well settled (whatever that means) with his career. Please hear me out - if she is uninterested in a proposal for ANY reason, even those that YOU seem to deem silly and childish, do not push it on her. If anything goes wrong tomorrow, then she will lash out at you. What will you respond then?

So, not only does she not realize what married life is all about but she is also unwilling to learn from YOUR experience! What does that tell you, Tugga?

Please think about this. I had an arranged marriage, as did many of my friends and families. The grooms were introduced to us by our families but we INDEPENDENTLY analyzed the proposal and went with the ones that we felt comfortable with, despite their cons. No one did our homework for us, and so we signed up knowing exactly what we were getting into. This 'homework' actually prepared us for married life. If your sister wants you to do all of her homework and will take her final decision based on YOUR analysis, then it begs the question as to who will do her post-marriage homework for her? Issues can crop up from literally the first day of marriage - before any understanding and empathy has developed between husband and wife, so it takes great diplomacy and maturity to solve them. That is why I asked, is she really ready?

The way I see it, 24 is not too old. Someone else also told you not to hurry up her marriage simply because your brother needs to get married. This, IMO, is a bad idea because not only does it force you to rush into something that needs to be taken slowly but also it limits her choices!!! If you wait, then maybe she will get better proposals who don't have quite so many issues / limitations / restrictions.

Also, I notice that you say that she is your business partner? What exactly does she do? If she is involved in business, then how come you claim she is dependent or that she is not interested in working? Is she is a nominal partner only?

If she does not want to work, then that's fine. But let her go and volunteer with deserving charities and non-profits, so that she can see something of the REAL WORLD prior to tying the knot. It is very important that she lose some of her 'dependence' immediately because she cannot be a dependent after marriage and it is up to you people to make sure that she is independent and capable before she marries, so that she can handle the affairs of her life with ease and great capability.

Interesting... the man never bothered about his parents but now his mother has the upper hand in his house? How come?

This is the key. How do we know who will be genuine and who won't be genuine? Moreover, it seems that Tugga's family is not looking for a veetoda maapillai but someone who will agree to live in the house that was built by Tugga's father for his younger daughter. From what I understand, Tugga's mother will live near to the couple but not with them? And that the future SNIL's family will also probably move in near to the couple but not with them? That sounds like a good arrangement. My concern is not about who will be given more importance by the young couple at all, my concern is only that girl may not be able to handle the responsibilities that marriage brings.