My Sister's marriage - Advice please

Thanks a million my dear friends for your thoughtful responses. I am reading each and every line of your posts and preparing myself for a better conversation at my momma's home this evening regarding this matter.

@ FL, Sita, Tara, Ms True and Skalluri

Thanks for your suggestion.

Both guys and their families visited our home to see my sister. After the ground level disucssions, we received a green signal from both families. So, it is our turn to finalize.

The Bank guy's elder sister called me the other day, saying that she was expecting someone with the height of at least 5'10" (that's her height too) as her SIL (brother's wife). She would have been at least stayed calm if the bride is of my height (i.e 5'5"). Because height means a lot for them, specially when they go for walking or parties people will unnecessarily comment bad about this height difference.
The groom or his parents didn't talk anything about this height matter yet, but this lady (sister's wouldbe SIL) has been talking like this for more than 3 times since we met.
They take this as a weakness, hence they expect my sister to be thankful to their generosity to marry a short girl (5'2") - Which botheres me, as my sister has so much plus points, that they do not want to understand.

On the other hand, the Soudi Arabian guy (working there) seems polite, and his family seems so caring too. They live in the same area (30 mins drive from our home), hence they have no problems with my sister's home matter.
The guy too has a home for him, where his parents are currently living (they have one family home in their place of origin), but he has absolutely no problems in shifting to my sister's home as it will be gifted to him (on joint names) after marriage.
The only shortcoming is that he doesn't have a solid career after quiting his present job in Soudi. Since his other brothers are into business, I really see no problems, as a nice behavior and acceptance is my priority - Career comes and goes so is money, it is all depend on our luck - But I really don't know how to put this matter in a right sprit during discussions.

 

@ Spderman

Yes, I too believe in LOVE marriages and had a love marriage too:thumbsup
I know love marriages are equally risky as any marriages as you cannot predict anything about your future at the time of your marriage. But at least, I feel like that the TRUE LOVE never dissaprear in your live. You can always FORGET AND FORGIVE your loved ones and make up your mind by thinking all the positive love matters of your past.

Though there are lots of incompatibility, yet you continue the marriage because of the LOVE. But in arranged marriages, it is totally a BIG GAMBLE as you never know who will be your future life partner. You just start your life based on the trust on Gods, and the people who arrange this marriage, hence if something goes wrong you blame both the God and the parents.

If your partner is compatible and a perfect match to you by luck, then you easily fall in love with him after marriage and the life starts happily. But if the luck doesn't favors you, and the partners are not compatible, then how can you bring the love forcibily? This is where most of the arranged marriages become as loveless marriages at the end.


@ Pooja

I 100% agree with you... A career or money should not be the priority here. I have asked her to have an open chat with both of them, and she will do that (has started though). But still I am not relaxed, as I doubt how a 1 or 2 hr chat can decide someone's compatibility? Hence I started to analyze everything. Because this is already an gabling game, so you have no option, but to try analyzing all the possible ways.

 

@ Anuradha

This is the LOGIC.

Before marriage your brother/son is a part of your FOO. He is an IMMEDIATE member of that family, hence he has EVERY rights and EVERY responsibilities of the family which he belongs to.
In Indian Society, which is more of like helping parents physically and financially, helping siblings to have proper education, set up their careers and settle in their marriage life. Particularly, it is perceived as a responsibility of an elder brother to help his younger sister to settle in her life (i.e marriage).

But after marriage, he becomes as an EXTENDED member to his FOO, so is his FOO becomes extended family to his IMEEDIATE FAMILY (i.e he, his wife and kids). Now his FIRST priority should be his IMMEDIATE family, and EVERYONE else comes after.

If his wife and kids are happy and comfortable in extending any helps to his FOO, he can go ahead. If not, it will ONLY ruin his life - It is not worth.

It is NOT wrong to expect ANY help from your brother after his marriage, but it is DEFINITELY WRONG to expect EVERY help from him like the way you expected before his marriage - So, better be careful than sorry later.

In our case, since my dad is nomore, my brother has become the one and only male member in our family to take care of EVERYTHING. He helped me a lot during and after the initial days of hickups in my marriage. Nothing financially, but the moral and physical support as a strong brother counts a lot than the financial support.

Similarly he has taken a long break from his job in abroad to fix my sister's marriage as soon as possible. He is now in India to meet the grooms, and represent our family during the initial marriage discussions with the grooms' families. He is fully devoted himself to find a prospective groom to my sister. He will definitely organize this marriage from A-Z, as my FOO too expect such leardership role from him in this regard.

But the same person may not be helpful after his marriage due to some family pressures. Eg:- He can not take a long break from his career for his sister's marriage. He needs to think and analyse a lot with his wife and see whether he can allocate any time for his sister.
My family can not expect him to play a lead role in this marriage preparations after his marriage. His availability, responsibility and EVERYTHING will be changed, hence he needs to sit and discuss with his wife before committing anything with his FOO.

Me and my sister would not stay with him forever, but his wife will do. His wife will be the person who is going to share the rest of his life. The one will take part of all his ups and downs, hence he needs to look upon his wife's and kid's comfortability before extending any helps to his FOO, unless it is something unavoidable.

So, it is better NOT to expect ANYTHING from your brother after his marriage, and better to get EVERY helps when he is still a bachelor and available and ready to help you. Just commonsense.

 

@ Induvadana, Pavani and Mithy

Thanks for replying

I agree with your point. In an arranged marriage, normally it is the bride's parents/elder siblings who discuss and arrange things. Generally parents do not look for a compatible one as per your emotional needs (though this is very imptn), they short list grooms based on other physical compatibilities, such as height, look, cast, religion, education, career, family background, descipline, dowry, etc..etc... In this phase the bride really has no options, but to nod her head.

But after someone is shortlisted, then she can have an open talk with him to check their emotional compatibilty. Which is ofcourse not an easy tasks to judge someone within 1 or 2 hr meeting, because many love marriages too fail after several years of understanding before marriage.

It is just a GAMBLE GAME. We can analyse and short list the best, pray to God, and the rest is upto her LUCK.

@ Srividya

I know... But this is the way she has been raised up since childhood. She is the last child at home, hence she became as my dada's princes. She was never exposed to such difficulties, or hardships of life yet.

In another thread BeeAmma has quoted a very nice equation about dependant kids.
Dominant parents + Dependant kids = Weak dependant kids
Dominant Parents + Indipendant kids = Rebel kids
Normal Parents + Dependant kids = Dependant kids with the chance of growing up with time as per circumstances
Normal Parents + Independant kids = Independant kids

Here me and my brother belong to the last category, whereas my sister belongs to the 3rd category. She is naturally dependant, and my parents are very normal (never dominated her), so he never had a chance to make her own decisions, never wanted to risk her life too.

We have told her clearly about why and when is the right time for her marriage. She is 24 now, and my dad is already expired. My single mom needs either mine or my brother's help to fix and finalyse everything regarding her marriage. My sister is not an independant girl who can do anything and everything. She simply needs someone at this stage, as she is yet to explore the other side of life.

If there is any gurantee that my sister will grow up in the next 2 years, then we can happily wait until she is mentally prepared for a wedding. But at this stage, she seems prepared, and happy to welcome a new person in her life as husband, but yet to grow independant.

I am already married, and with all my ILs issues, I cannot extend 100% of my support for this marriage as before. So, naturally my brother has become as a strong pillar in our FOO. So, I think we must fix this marriage before my brother is married. Hope I make sence.

Basically she is not interested in both grooms. Her reasoning is, she can not feel any love or emotional closeness with both of them. But other than that, she is ok with their looks, background, education, money etc.. also these boys are ready for her demands. So, she is quite happy with it. Beyond that, she is not able to think anything.

But I have practically seen the bitter part of my marriage and the influence of ILs. So, I am very careful on this aspect. Also, I think love, affection, good ILs, adjusting hubby, understanding hubby etc... makes the life easy than a sound career. I have personal experinece in it, but I can't expect my sister too feels the same as she is yet to see the real life.

 

@ Shipama

I may sound odd, but I think Indian men still like dependant wife provided the wife is not dependant on her FOO after marriage.
I have seen many Indian men, who has problems with their very independant wives. My DH would be also feel happy if I am a dependant one, who doesn't question about his acts, interference of his parents etc..etc.. all oour problems were my independance and my wants to do things on our own - That's a different story.

My sisters dependancy is different, as she is not depend on others to live her life, but always look for our opinions and suggestions before making any decisions. Also there won't be any inteferences from our FOO in her life.

Whatsoever, we must be very careful about the greedy manipulative ones. Thanks for the idea.

I don't get this... Why??? Is men only has emotions towards their town, country, people and family? Are we women made by briks and stones, so why we have no problems in leaving EVERYTHING to start a new life in a new/strange place?

Since they have decided to go for a nuclear family, and in a metro city, then why to bother with a rental house or to build a new one by taking huge loans???
Woudn't this already build home make any sense????

The groom is not expected to live at my momma's home with other relatives. He and my sister are going to start a new family at their new home... It is going to be just the two of them. So, what is the problem?

He is anyway going to leave his parents to start a new family with his wife, so is my sister.. So, instead of going for a new rental house, this gifted house would welcome them as a new couple.

And why should he cut off his parents for this??????? I didn't understand your point at all?


@ Geetha

My dad build this home for my sister, and gifted this for her during her 21st key birthday. Every brick of that house is selected as per my sister's wish. Also it is painted and polished as per her recommendation only. Moreover it is my dad's wish that my sister to live in that house forvere. My dad is nomore. So obviously my sister is emotionally connected to that house, and has lots of expectations to start her new life there. This matter was clearly explained to the grooms at the first place.

Secondly, my mother is living in the same lane (where both my mom and sis living currently). Recently I too have moved back to India and started my new home in the same area only (my ILs too live in that area).
My brother has a land next to her new house, and he will build his own house there sooner.
Moreover, most of our cousins and friends do settle down in that area, as it is a big metro city with all the luxary facilities, and employment opportunities.

So obviously, she loves to stay there, rather than isolating herself from every known persons.