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My Sister's Choices... Please Share Your Insights

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Jan 7, 2023.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear all,

    I am here in Sri Lanka on vacation, and returning back in a couple of days.
    During this vacation, we got to spend quality times with family & relatives, which gave us mixed feelings.

    On one hand, I feel blessed to have accomplished what I wanted in life, and living a luxurious lifestyle. I hosted my siblings, and cousins at my place during Christmas and everything went well.

    My brother on the other hand do well in life, and have a progressive life; hence he was able to match our lifestyle and it was great.

    But, there was clear disparity at our sister's place, where we witnessed her struggle, and everything seemed not right.

    Apparently they face some financial hardship during this economic crisis in Sri Lanka, and unable to manage their expenses as before.
    They mostly live on credit cards, and forced to take up loans to lead an equal life with others.
    It was not easy for them to accept what is real, and convince their young kids who demand a life like their cousins.

    To find a solution to this struggle, my sister & BIL have decided to migrate to New Zealand, but the only available option for their qualification right now is to opt for student visa.
    They have tried for Canada & UK in the past, but moving together with family was very expensive.

    But an migration agent has convinced them of a positive plan to NZ, and they are expected to pay some good money to proceed with.

    My sister has requested me to give a huge amount of cash on loan, in addition BIL has taken several loans, and sold almost all their jewels already for this migration plan.
    Plus, he is planning to quit his banking job with the hope of getting the provident fund to meet the expenses related to visa & migration.

    If they receive the visa, my sister will have to resign her government job & move with kids together.

    Now the concern is....

    BIL is 44 already, and he has a PG diploma only. He has applied for a 1 yr masters degree in NZ. Not sure whether this course will allow them to stay in NZ beyond the expiry of student visa (on work)?
    His age being 43 is another concern.
    They are negotiating with the agent already & browsing for further details.

    My sister & BIL are ready for any kind of jobs to earn money, but is it still worth to leave a respectable job & life in the country and engage in odd jobs elsewhere?
    Even then doing odd jobs, and multiple jobs will help them pay back the huge loan & lost savings soon?
    Is it even possible to handle different weather, culture, lifestyle and do odd jobs at this age? BIL is a soft person, a banker and never engaged physical works in the past.
    Besides, they have 3 young kids too.

    BIL's parents are currently living with them, they are very much attached to the family and are very old. At this age, leaving them is not easy. Also coming back to the country won't be as easy as they think given the sky rocketing ticket prices.

    But, of course if things work well for them, they can very well settle in NZ and buy a great future for their kids.

    However, I personally suggest my sister & family to move to our native city, (currently they live in a metro, which is very expensive).
    I have a home there, and my brother too live in that city.
    Both BIL & sister can take transfer & move kids to schools in our native place. The schools are not luxurious, but decent enough to produce many students to the university. They are very cheaper.
    The cost of living would be cheap too, and the house is rent free.
    Help is readily available as we have many relatives here.

    For me, giving a lumpsum for them as FD (on loan) and allow them to enjoy the monthly interest as additional income would be a smart move rather than giving the same money for immigration and hoping it will turn good.

    Besides, they all have to survive this crisis smart till it improves.
    They can even rent out their home in the metro city, and get a great rental income in addition to their salaries.

    But, they wish to stand on their own feet rather than depending on us. For me it is fine, but I am worried about their moves as it is uncertain.

    What do you think guys, especially those who live in abroad or know such migrants & their stories... Please share your insights?
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your sister and BIL are adults. They have presumably thought through their situation. You can decide whether or not you are willing to lend them your own money. You can also check whether the visa agent is legitimate and that they are getting correct advice and not some overly optimistic estimates.
    Beyond this the decision is up to them. There are countless stories of people immigrating at all ages and going through a lot of hardships in order to give their families a better future. They are taking a risk because if things don’t work out then they will be worse off than before.
    I don’t know how the job scenario is like in NZ today. One of my relatives migrated to NZ long ago to provide a better life for his family. He was an engineer but he had to work as a teacher for some years before finding work suitable to his qualifications. His wife also joined as a clerk in a bank. Slowly they established themselves and they are in a very good position now.
    You can offer your opinion to your sister but they need to take the final decision for themselves.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    All things being unequal, trying their luck in New Zealand beats moving to your native city.

    People remaining on student visa well into their 40's and even early 50's seems to be quite a normal occurrence in the U.K. and other countries. They do this to give their children a better future.

    About helping your sister and BIL financially, think of whatever you give them as a gift, not a loan, be realistic. Further, if you give them money, give it with no strings/advice attached. Money given with conditions sours relationships more than saying no to a loan request.

    You have listed the pros of moving to your native city. For each pro that you have listed, there is a corresponding opposite. Their kids may not adjust in the not-fancy school even if those schools have sent many students to good uni's. Any rent free living arrangement comes with its associated problems. Relatives who provide help also cause lot of discord. The metro city home may not always be rented or may not get good rental income. Settling into a new office after transfer is not easy especially if the move is not due to a promotion.

    I myself if in this situation would avoid giving money unless the family is struggling for basic necessities like food.
     
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Your suggestions are solid, practical and realistic. However in their current mood, I feel your sis and BIL may view then as 'compromise' or 'settling' - more in the sense of accepting defeat instead of facing the adverse circumstances and winning over them. I put it clumsily but hope you got my drift. Similarly the suggestion of putting the kids in a so-so school compared to their present school will be viewed negatively in my opinion. They are adults. Let them decide what they want to do for their family. Support her in her desire to create a better environment for her family to the extent you can - by encouragement, ideas, etc. help them monetarily if you can otherwise say no. But I feel she will not take these suggestions in the spirit you intended.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks guys for your valuable suggestions.

    All I wanted was to give them realistic suggestions and practical solutions before they make up the final decision. Because, compared to them, I have more experience and exposure living in different countries, and have friends who have gone through different levels of pros and cons of such decisions.
    If I am in their shoes, I would not take such risks, that too on loan, rather give it some thoughts and try my luck otherwise until it gets unbearable to stay here. But different people have different thought process, so I just want to confirm that my sister & BIL have enough details before they make this decision.

    Secondly the amount they requested from me on loan was too much. I have the money, but nothing came to me by luck, but it was my blood and sweat that I single handedly earned, and need to sustain my family (Given I have no support from my H on the financial front, and my health issues, etc).
    So, I am not in a position to give such a huge amount as gift, but as loan only.

    Nevertheless, I have been hearing lot and lot of stories where people end of losing all the money losing their immigration claims, which will put my sisters' family in a dire situation where they won't be able to sustain, so forget about paying me back the loan.
    Within close family, such a thing would sour the relationship. So, I am worried.

    Saying NO, when you have the money, and when someone is asking for it (on loan) for something they believe as a last hope in such a situation is hard.
    Besides, I helped my brother when he needed such a big amount, but that was a life or death situation for him and I did not expect him to pay back the money then. But fortunately everything turned well for him and he was able to pay me back everything in no time.

    What would you do if you were in my situation?
    How would you say NO, that too after having agreed to give loan (they didn't mention the amount earlier, so I thought they are asking for a decent amount, so said OK, but now they expect more).

    Any thoughts?
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Don’t feel pressured to give more than you can comfortably afford as a gift.
    You have a young family of your own and you are essentially the sole breadwinner. Money issues are the most common and easy ways for the family relationship to turn sour.
    Your sister can chase her dreams but within what they can reasonably afford. There is no shame in being honest with her about your financial equation.
    The fact that you helped your brother out shouldn’t matter in this situation. It was the life of your niece in question and it looks like your brother was also in a position to repay you. But you should tell your sister soon and clearly so they can make their plans accordingly.
    As for the risks, we have all seen stories that turn out well and those that don’t. But for your sister she may need to experience it for herself. If they have made up their minds then they will not be receptive to your cautions. The only thing you can try to impress upon them is to make sure their visa agent is honest.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    It is a difficult situation when an adult we care about decides on a course of action that we think is not feasible. Be it your sibling, spouse, parent, adult child, close friend, whoever... you can only list the pros and cons to them two three times and after that you have to let go. You continue to care, pray for them, and wish you are proved wrong and they succeed in their venture. I am saying this based on experience with sibling, parent, adult child, adult niece, nephew.

    In such situations, I have given loans or conditional gifts and regretted it bitterly. I learned from that and now am wiser. The wiser me tries to do this: choose peace and no-drama over everything else and align my actions and life around it.

    As you already sort of agreed to help them, decide on what amount you can give them as a gift, not loan. Tell them this is the best you can help right now. Communicate this gently and with compassion. However, do not give any reasons. For any reason you provide, they will have a comeback. So avoid giving reasons. Keep restating the amount that you can give and that they are welcome to pay it back but not paying it back is fine too.

    Once you start saying No to this request or other requests, you will find that saying No is not so unpleasant after all. People will be a bit upset for a while but will come around. Relationships won't get cut off. A harsh fact is that as long as you have money, as long as you are the richer sibling or relative, people will be willing to forget your past No's and ask for help again.
     
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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    That’s a tough call. There are no right answers.
    One thing I will say is that both issues which your siblings faced are dire. We cannot say that one was more important and the other was not. That is the first step to huge misunderstandings. You will have to accept what they are saying is their estimate of the problem at face value .
    I realize this complicates the issue for you. One suggestion is that you decide the lower amount which you can give as a gift, not expecting a return in near future, and since you said your brother is now doing well, recruit him either directly or indirectly to contribute a similar amount. In this way maybe not the entire amount your sister needs but at least 3/4 th or a larger part of the requested sum will be available to her.
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for sharing this wisdom @Rihana

    If not for this time, I can definitely follow your advice in future, as I really need this kind of advice in life.
    In fact, my mom has repeatedly advised me to say NO when siblings and relatives request for money, except for dire situations like my brother faced a couple of years before.
    Developmental needs are there for everyone, and there is no limit for such needs. But, she hasn't taught me the trick of saying no diplomatically, especially without giving any reasons. This one from you is really awesome.

    Secondly accepting the fact that people will be upset for a while, and then come back if they need you in life is very practical. Of course this is true, and I have seen it.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks a lot @1Sandhya

    This is indeed a tough call, and to each their own - so I can't weigh whose situation is worse when it comes to help.
    But generally speaking, it was easy for me to help my brother as the urge to help them came naturally without them asking for it. I was through everything what they faced, and acted from my heart.
    Here, I do not see the need to go to NZ with lots of uncertainties attached to it. I have a gut feeling that if circumstances go bad, I will be forced to help them again to bring them back to the country.

    As you suggested I would give them whatever I could as I have already gave them the hope. But this is a lesson that I can learn and follow next time
     
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