My SIL--Please Help Me-UPDATES

IamLucky · Apr 7, 2015

This is an update from my end for my previous post.

Last week for 3 days my PILs ,SIL and her son came to our house .
As usual they were full of love when they see us. Its on friday they came.
I had an important work so my husband took leave and i prepared tea,breakfast, lunch before i leave and went to office.
Full day rest cos they were very tired due to travel.
i came early in the evening to see them still sleeping.
I cleaned the house and prepared tea.
MIL asked to prepare cake for SIL's son. then she told please prepare the chole masala ,last time it was very tasty. so made chappathi with chole masala(no help from anyone) My husband helped in making chapathi
MIL:before marriage he ll not take his plate itself, now he is doing everything.What all i should see.
Day 2:full day outing and bought dress to MIL,SIL and her son.(reason she is coming 1st time and we should get for her)
I selected a dress which costs 1700rp(i didnt see the price,it was good and looked different. MIL took me aside and told,select something around 2500-3000.
but she told she ll take 2 dresses in 1700 range.(so they have preplanned for the amount to which they should take)
next day i prepared a feast and sent them fulfilled.
SIL's son was all crying for leaving us and my husband was very moved and he was literally crying and booked ticket to go to their place after 3 days for easter.
After all this hospitality i thought this time we wont have any hard time.
The time i reached there i was made to cook full time with the pretext you cooked that and this very well.
Even on easter sunday after the night mass, i was very tired but cooked biriyani for 10 people and veg and non veg side dish.
when my MIL atlast told she ll keep white rice, my sil told amma pls sit,she ll keep.
MIL told i ll keep,let her sit for sometime.
while having lunch MIL told we both will have at last, let others have.she was very curiously serving her daughter oly, other ppl i served.When i had my food it was 3.30pm. that night i need to travel with my lil DD and next day to office.
Added to that my MIL has given the saree which we took for her to another relative telling she s having the same color,which she noticed after coming there.
for that my husband told why did u give that to that woman, my wife liked that color very much and she s wearing saree every thursday to office.
for that my SIL with a great heart gave 2 old sarees which is unfit to wear in home itself.My DH was not there at that time. I felt very insulted after all the tings i did to them, they treated me like a door mat.
i dono how to react when i saw those rug sarees. i fastly got and kept (threw)on my bag and went out.
I need to express my anger and their fault desperatly.What should i do now. Please friends help me.

gauridinesh · Apr 7, 2015

Well, your SIL and MIL seem to be utilizing you on the pretext of 'you cook well'.

There is no point in fighting with these people or getting into a tiff , because all it will lead to is loss of peace of mind for you. If you so much as had said 'I am feeling tired', you would hear it for the rest of your life. No one would have remembered that you cooked and toiled so much. So for the sake of your peace of mind, let it go.

Next time, ask for help. Tell them politely that you are tired and you need help. Make sure you dont get angry or rude. Ask in a calm manner. Ask in front of your husband so that your words are not twisted later.

Regarding the gifts - one golden rule is never have any expectation. They are your IN LAWS. You are not their family for them, so they actually dont care a pence for your happiness or health. So keep that in mind and just move on. Belated easter wishes!

abla · Apr 7, 2015

Take this incidents as a learning opportunity .Stop cooking and serving and shopping for them when they visit you and when you visit them . Keep the efforts to minimal .Ask your husband to order some food out . If you do not let them treat you like door mat they will not .

pear · Apr 7, 2015

My golden rule with my In laws is that ,i dont accept used clothes & second hand goods.I wont be rude but keep on giving reasons not to accept that they stopped offering thier next to usable stuff on me.The (nearly all)MIL & SILs have this habit of lovingly donating 5000+ worth roughly used faded stuff and telling one and all the 5000 worth of thier love (including DH who would start singing thier praises).After my first experience i placed this golden rule. We need to maintain a certain dignity to make them treat us with respect.One of my SIL even takes new stuff off my co-siss rack and replace it with her unusable stuffs in the name of exchange.When my co-sis complaint to me ,i asked her to refuse SILs stuff as and when she offers.Now she had completely stopped her from taking her new stuffs.

The lesson to be learnt is to give them no option but to treat us with respect.

Marzipan · Apr 7, 2015

I would suggest you use the same tactic as they do. Tell them next time they are visiting or you are visiting them "My husband keeps praising your cooking skills and how much he misses your food, amma. Can't you cook X and Y for us today" or "I really loved that Z that you made when we got married, I have been yearning to have it again. Please make it for dinner today, pretty please". This is the way to deal with people like that.

yellowmango · Apr 7, 2015

Start praising mil and sil's cooking and ask them to cook something special next time.Play their own game.
I would have left the old sarees there itself. Don't be treated like that.Don't lower your standards for her pettiness .A new less expensive cotton saree would be acceptable but not used old one.It is ok to give and exchange old stuff with people you are comfortable with.I do it with my sister but never with sil or co sister.

Sparkle · Apr 7, 2015

@IamLucky:

As your signature says: "If God Brings you to it...He will Bring You through it..."
All this is over now, so let it go.

The positives I see here are that your husband seems to help you even if its a little and he also speaks up to your ILs.
Don't give them a chance to make you cook everything if it happens the next time. Ask them to make a favourite dish for your DH or delegate tasks to them like chopping vegetables, setting the table, rolling chapathis etc (you can point out that you have to keep an eye on something else, so need help - which is true from what you have mentioned. Preparing a feast all alone for 10 people is hectic).
If you get any used items as gift, either refuse directly or take it and leave it there itself. Only when we give space to people they will start walking over us.

Daenerys · Apr 7, 2015

Show the "gifts" your inlaws gave to your husband and ask his opinion. If you have a good rapport with your husband express your displeasure. He needs to know that their actions have hurt you. But keep the discussion short.

Next time be clear about what you want - from them and yourself as well. Most of us want to keep everyone happy and we do so much more than we should actually be doing. Never can you satisfy anyone a 100 percent. You might as well do your thing.

dsmenon · Apr 7, 2015

Like YM and @Marzipan suggested, next time start praising your MILs/ SILs cooking and tell them you were expecting to eat that dish. Regarding hand me downs, tell them straight that you dont like to wear used clothes.

pear · Apr 8, 2015

Dear op,

One more thing dont miss this opportunity to tell your DH how its to cook for 10 people without any help, given a couple of old sarees and treated more as a servant than a DIL(link the incidents for more impact). May be he wont as it is agree with you or support you ,but he would keep it in his mind.In future you could expect some change in his attitude.When i say change dont expect men to support you in front of MIL & SIL(its a miracle not change if it happens) .Your DH would see to it gradually that you were not treated like a maid and given proper respect.Avoid giving him word to word instruction or advising him about bringing over a change (men hate it).You too need to make changes to stop them treating you as a doormat.

I remember a similar incident where my MIL inspite of me gifting her a saree,that she loved and of her choice gave that to a relative.My dh plainly told her its a direct insult not acceptable and vouched not to buy her a saree again.After 1.5 years i had to intervene and insist him to gift her a saree. May be this incident happened as generally i take extra effort to find the best for his mom and my choice suited my MIL well.

Relax pa ! its all part of life, take it easy,thank god its not 365 days horror.